I Saw Trouble In The Night...

[jdmotion]

I saw trouble in the night.

 

I'm on a journey, standing still,

I move through as no one can or will.

When the sun said good morning to the moons light,

I saw trouble in the night.

 

I stood with the rest of them, ready for the dawn,

and watched as they left without saying goodbye or so long.

When the cold seemed to settle for the long fight,

I saw trouble in the night.

 

I followed the stream of life and sin,

at its end I saw what I needed from within.

When the free felt the fright and held tight,

I saw trouble in the night.

 

I saw what I had done,

left it behind to sing my sad song.

When finally what I had done seemed right,

I saw trouble in the night

Edited February 28, 2007 by Mr. Jon

[Drewbie]

Nice, I like it

[redlightfeeling]

I love the line "When the free felt the fright and held tight," Nice aliteration. (and internal rhyme)

Is this the climax? because it seems like it is. You could even put "and held tight" as one line, to emphasize it as the climax and to put some time between their challenge and their behavior. I think it might make it seem a little more glorious.

[Bondwriter]

OK, third or fourth time I read this poem and postpone commenting because I cannot find any witty, insightful thing to say about it, so, here it is: I like it.

[AFriendlyFace]

The first thought that struck me was that this would make an excellent rock song! It really seems to have the right flow and feeling for one.

 

Anyway, good job

Kevin