myself_i_must_remake

i struggle over this a lot, and i do say struggle. i don't know where nature and social forces and other things start and end on this issue. i used to be a pure closet case. my interests and lack of interests used to make people think i was gay, but now about half of people can tell just from the way i carry myself, dress, and my mannerisms. (although i think my going to a jesuit university throws a wrench in this. because i'm different in general, i think they just assume gay, even though they'd do the same to someone who acted different but was straight.) anyway: i wouldn't answer the above questions because i don't know if i'm masculine or effeminate. i like to think i'm just kind of free of either. i take what i like and encorporate it into my personality. i find that in role-models and possible lovies, i'm attracted to people who work what they do. i model myself after a lot of my professors, especially the ones that seem in-sync with themselves. i can think of both male and female professors that do this, and i emulate all of them in some way. as for people i'm attracted to, they tend to be masculine, but i think that's because i don't discriminate between gay and straight, and there just happen to be more straight guys than gays, and more straights tend to act (i think whether they want to or not) masculine. i have, however, in the past seen certain effeminate gays that i wanted to get with just because they way they carried themselves seemed natural to them. there are many effeminate gays, however, that i feel the opposite way with (and super masculine guys), where it seems like a show. i think if i say anything more i'll just start repeating myself.

i'm making this post to keep the masturbation and show yourself threads away from each other. they shouldn't touch.

yeah i was going to say... twice a week is frequent? twice a day maybe. we all need a way to wind down.

i hope to see for myself one day the in person part. i don't want to actually examine the genitals.

a funny thing happened to me that made me post my pictures. it wasn't an erection. but it was a combination of leo's pictures and watching the video for lady gaga's poker face. and there were all these beautiful people on my screen. and next thing i knew my camera phone was in my hand and i was snapping away. (and wishing i looked like leo and lady gaga?) when i begin to say things like this it's bed time.

eeeeeeeee it's been a while since i did this. and it took a lot of tries. and i had to hide in my hoodie. but i got one. and i'm gonna show it to you. and it's going to look like this:

it's been so long since someone's taken interest that i suspect if i ever pick up lovey signals i'll check next for crazy signals. both in the perpetrator and myself. because you get no lovey for so long... you start to see things.

i hate where i live. all the gays look like feet.

it's a figure of speech.

maybe.

yeah i'm on the let's not make gender roles boat. i.e. corvus's defining a human being. real man? chromosomes would do, if that. (das Mann?)

smells like one of those things (just from what you've posted. clearly i don't know the whole situation) that could end up in you guys getting back together. also: the financial aid offices of most universities are EXTREMELY UNDERSTANDING and if you talk to them, there's a chance they'll give you additional money (this happened for me.) you just have to show them that you're not deadweight to the university and that your situation is difficult (and living on your on at your age while trying to attend school, i would say you have some ammunition.) best, billy.

never have, probably never will, unless i get curious.

everyone tried to be too grave i think. lots of death. lots of lost love. i went for something lighter: unarmed boy running, covered with paintballs. the exercise reminds me of a play erin and i thought of. it's a simple play. characters: two people, at least one of which can move props: a loaded gun stage directions: gun lies in the middle of the stage. characters start equidistant from it on either side. improvise.

naturally all texts that claim to be true are true.

MEHHHHH.

i at least looked remotely happy! i'll revise the rule: if the look you give the camera would make someone nervous (with anything but lust) in person, please reconsider.

we need to enforce a smiling rule soon.

i want to be an english professor and a novelist. i will settle for fifty percent of that.

my family has been democrat for as long as i can remember, and all of a sudden my dad is interested in mccain. this exposes three sides of him at once: he hates blacks and says he doesn't want them free-loading with obama. (wow) he's a greedy business owner now. he'd f**K palin given the chance. boooooo. she has an annoying voice and her kids have weird names.

eh. i hear few anti-depressant success stories. juggling as much as it sounds like you are, i'm sure you have it in you to beat it. good luck moving out though. i'm in the same boat right now (though it's four girls i'm looking to move in with and no one i can tickle with.)

there's an abundance of aarons and michaels. also: graeme mentioned kyle and tyler, and that does seem to be true. for some reason names with non-terminal y's do seem really popular. ian too. this is true not only in stories, but real life, at least for me. i have met far more gay ians then straight ians. go figure.

i didn't know they did that! life just got worse.

i'm finally reading The Kite Runner. it is a decent story but the writing lacks. there's little doubt it's popularity is partially the result of playing the public interest card.

i flail and scream and end up hitting someone in the face. when they do it repeatedly i start to feel it before they even touch me. tickle fights are serious shit to me.