myself_i_must_remake

i have my top ten on my facebook so i'll put them here as well: the way the crow flies (ann-marie macdonald) beloved (toni morrison) 1984 (george orwell) fall on your knees (ann-marie macdonald) raise high the roofbeam, carpenters and seymour, an introduction (j.d. salinger) song of solomon (toni morrison) cat's cradle (kurt vonnegut) me talk pretty one day (david sedaris) dubliners (james joyce) mrs. dalloway (virginia woolf)

when i think of gay music, i think of this (gay) kid in my french class last year who took it upon himself to dance dramatically to techno when it came on this movie we were watching. it's like, god, of course the gay kid would do that. i get irritated like how he plays his role to the rich catholic girls. his job (and i'm not judging, i've seen him do all these things) as a gay man is to dance to techno, compliment the girls on their outfits "oh my god, you look SO cute today", and talk about people behind their backs, stuff like how they're annoying or ugly or dress out of style. why do some people hate gays? because look at the ones who stand out. anyway, to contribute - my exboyfriend got me kind of hooked on imogen heap. six feet of british female talent.

lol one day a GA get together will be less than 2000 miles away from me... seriously... next time, NY. gay people flock there. we should be no different.

my friend elise may have you beat. we went to a club and a guy just started jerkin it behind her. still though, i feel for you. (it must be horrible to be that attractive.)

my friend stephanie is getting me lube and letting me keep it at her house. (because at almost twenty, i still haven't earned the privacy of having something in the house without my mom or sister digging it up, accidently of course.) who wants to help me use it?

it definitely exists. i spotted one at the checkout counter to pacsun right when i walked into the store so we're talking like... eighteen feet away, right when i saw him i was like BAM, got you pegged. the part of the story i'm less proud of is when he did turn out to be gay, and have a huge drug problem and turn out to be a major slut. i had asked him for his phone number hahahaha. i have balls once in a while. it was actually new year's eve of last year so i can celebrate this one month disappointment shortly. (and do so alone :'( ) i have a feeling my gaydar misses a lot of people that are gay that are just more subtle. i still swear there's a facial thing that i can see but oh well last time i said that i got ass-raped on this site. (heh heh...) current example - the cute little emo thing i see at my school that i try to hunt down so i can hear him talk and observe him. he's given me eyes before twice and then we looked away and i was like ughhhhhh tits. and the worst thing is i have exactly four more days of class and i haven't seen him in a few. (we don't have class together, but we have class around each other and hover around the same areas. it's a small campus) so what if i don't see him again? rawr.

i'm nineteen (almost twenty even!) and the other day at border's to get a border's card they asked me if i was sixteen yet. so don't feel bad.

if you pull your own hair endorphins flow. and if that's not true, we can pretend.

still. the point i was making is i have it. i can tell by my own face that i'm gay. and if i weren't gay, then i probably wouldn't have it. there's no way to be sure, of course, but i'm pretty confident.

i'm going to have to disagree with you friendlyface. i can often tell a gay boy by his facial structure alone. there's something different. i can't put a finger on it, but there's something different. but it may not be the testosterone. i shouldn't've used that word, but i do believe there's a lack or abundance of some hormone that makes us look slightly different. and i think straight boys look better. gay guys try harder, but it doesn't make up for just sheer good looks which no amount of hair gel or nice clothes can get you.

reminds me of the christina aguilera song.

i'm realizing it defines a lot of who i am. i don't know if i like that or not. sometimes i actually think i'd be a worse person if i were straight. mmm, at least in some ways. i know i wouldn't try as hard if i were straight. and i think i'd like different things. the whole writing thing... yeah. i'm not going to pretend that i'd do it to the extent i do if i were straight. there's a definite coorelation between homosexuality and the arts. everyone knows this. just look at the bloomsbury group. (no one will.) at any rate, i wouldn't write what i write, i wouldn't be as "out there," i wouldn't do flips and shit, i wouldn't be as neurotic about things. i think i'd be less socially awkward though. more confident. the testosterone would probably make me better looking. oh well.

yeah i think i am on your track. they're starting to pop out everywhere. though none are interested yet. we'll see.

where are all of these gay guys? i have a force field i swear. i even went to a gay bar and it was ladies night so it was just lesbians. a;lskdjfalskdjfsd well it's good that you're keeping busy because the best thing is to keep your options open.

doesn't it all depend on perspective? i imagine her as seen from above and that makes her spin counter clockwise, but because she's tilted slightly away from us, we're encouraged to concentrate on the outstretched leg which makes a clockwise pattern on our screens.

remember your fail-safes, don't come on too strongly. don't get discouraged. don't do anything dramatic when you don't feel like you're making progress. from the way you described him, i bet he's used to guys liking him and making a sloppy move, so stand out by not doing that right away. honestly i think slow progress could get you somewhere though. although, i had no way of seeing how you guys interacted so i could be wrong, extremely wrong. keep talking to other guys so when you have a bad day you can feel cocky and be like "oh well i have so-and-so anyways" and it raises your confidence just to have other guys seeming potentially interested in you. then again. i'm nineteen. what do i know? a lot about books and nothing about people. but i think anyone who reads this is pulling for you and you need to be reminded of that if you're going to take this on. i know my advice seems obvious, but it's what i always see people forget when they get into this kind of situation. always look at the situation from an outside point of view. always always always. and... if you write, i don't know if you write on this site, start journaling this as it progresses and maybe it can go under eFiction even though it's a true story. i don't know.

Dear Mike, I feel bad because I always forgot to get back to you. You have a pretty consistent... bladder. You make me five dollars . You should not be upset that I'm a neglectful GA member. Someday I will not take weeks to respond. You + me = Youme?. If I saw you now I'd shuffle away awkwardly because it's four in the morning. I want to interrogate you. I would build a paper airplane just for you. If I could sing you any song it would be an imaginary song because I don't sing. We could keep our hands to ourselves under the stars. Love, Billy (P.S. Delightful.)

i'm reading that book soon and "a thousand splendid suns" by the same guy for a book club at school. though the real point of this comment is to urge you to write another blog. <3 billy.

ann-marie macdonald: the way the crow flies, fall on your knees <---should be read by anyone who has been in a love situation not appreciated by all, that means all homosexuals so dear god, give it a go. also if you are, ever were, or plan to be 18 and ambitious, it's for you as well. toni morrison: beloved, song of solomon george orwell: 1984 david sedaris: me talk pretty one day

he's a nice guy too...

next year- new york?!

i was being sarcastic about the alcohol thing... it'd turn into sexfest '07.

young gay people drinking together. a recipe for success.

i've caught myself imagining every so often what it would be like if there were a GA convention where somehow all the active members from this site ended up in one place for a day of... something. camping? homosexuals in the woods? it's weird though. imagining what everyone would look/sound/smell (hopefully we'd behave enough not to feel/taste) like. i have no idea where i expect this to go. just imagine for a few minutes. i'll regret posting this in the morning because it sounds ridiculous. but for now, i giggle.

alright then i guess i'm just a f**kin idiot then... i was annoyed with a group. not a specific person. if i want to upset a particular person, i will call them out by name and not talk around it. i've seen teenagers do what i mentioned. it's not arguable. thinking about homosexuality from the father's point of view i would say is thinking outside of the realm of most gay nineteen-year-olds. but apparently i was just stating the obvious. cool.