myself_i_must_remake

i'm struggling a lot with this lately as well. (okay kids. let's keep in mind: this is billy plus a bottle of wine talking.) the more i read, the more i want to do away with terms "masculine," "feminine," "gay-acting," "straight-acting," etc. but then i don't. race and racism suffers a similar dilemma. here's why: on the one hand difference creates room for oppression. as soon as one thing is different than another, there is always a type of person who will say that one is better than the other. but on the other hand, i like difference because hey, we ARE gay. in this time and culture, that sets us apart. why shouldn't we have our own culture. (then i wonder: in the future, would i still want my sexuality to be enough to set me apart so much that i want it to make me part of a culture?) i've been avoiding calling people flamboyant or passing as straight because i don't like everything that it implies as stated above: it makes flamboyance a bad thing, it operates on a standardized definition of masculinity, and it encourages homophobia. i do this, yet when i go out in public, i look for all the stereotypes when i hope to hit on someone. so i'm trying to eliminate the same linguistic phenomenon that i use when i "hunt." recent example: new twenty-two year old manager at work has a slightly "gay" voice and sure i've got my eye on him. but then i'm part of the group of people who doesn't want voice to be any indicator of sexuality. what to dooooooo?

i am here! i am here!

wah wahhhhhh. where the hell did this all come from?

i take issue with the question too. i really do feel versatile. the height and demeanor of my partner kind of decides what i want to do with them. and i know i definitely have jack off phases (i have no shame.) i'll get off thinking about one for a week, and then like switch. i also know: in steady relationships, i need both, preferably on a one to one kind of ratio like... i want to do one just as much as the other. but i will also say this: for strange hook-ups, i tend to bottom because i get nervous sometimes with new people which makes it hard to get off, and obviously you don't have to get off if you're a bottom. there's my input.

i actually didn't vote, but i do want you to do it. the truth is i don't know what i want on it. this is one of those things where i need it decided for me. i can say or not say gay on it, either way i'll want it. wow. what a useless comment i've made. -billy

i feel scandalized.

happy birthday, my cheerleader.

depends what i'm kissing. i'm actually going to be contrary and promote the sloppy kiss in a certain circumstance. actually it happened with a girl, but it was still pretty hot. we found a wall and we were just like going at it like there was candy in the back of each other's throats. i mean from all angles, it was a goddamn disaster. but then after we were done we sat down and caught our breath and there was this feeling of "yeah, that just happened." which was nice in its way, or at least fun to have under my belt.

i checked "all" for weapons used because in their existence, they are already in use. in a way, they might be something stopping the war because of the fear involved in committing to a large scale struggle in which we'd all have to keep trumping each other. it's like playing chicken: which weapon are you willing to use, knowing i will use my next worst back?

you'd have to roofie me to get me on a plane.

i could say the same joe. i'll alert you if i wake up in texas.

that's actually really funny. and those pictures are really good too, especially the middle red one.

for a while my hair was long and i had glasses. but now it is shorter and looks silly if i wear glasses.

yeah come to think of it, the person whose homophobia plagues me worst is me. we're talking about the "phobia" part of that word. i really am afraid of most gay people for any number of reasons.

i don't know about my first word outside of the typical mama/dadda deal, but my mom says one of the firsts sentences she remembers me saying was "i want to drink liquid." twenty years later... avid homosexual.

i wonder what they suggest for fathers who molest their sons.

MADDYYYYY <33333333

a bright shiny A, naturally (and a thesis paragraph that took three hours to write.) but i did really like that movie. i wish i could find more GLBT movies i liked, but i feel like i'm too picky.

i like the idea of it as culture. honestly i'm not in love with how gay guys sometimes sound, but i like the word games, and i'm known kind of for my speech ticks and tendencies because it rubs off on people.

j'ai voulu toujours lire "les liaisons dangereux" alors, il n'y a jamais de temps. on a reading note: i'm finishing up jude the obscure and hoping to start dostoevsky's "demons" (sometimes called the devils or the possessed) soon, and then i have to do a presentation on the crying of lot 49 after easter.

ok so, by and large, i take horrible pictures, (even my friends say so,) and it makes me have a really bad self-image. well... tonight i feel like kind of making fun of myself to lighten my attitude toward how horribly i photograph, so i'm posting pictures that i find particularly embarrassing. somehow it feels like winning. you genetically-fortunates wouldn't understand. a theme of these pictures is that i'm drunk in every one of them. i don't know what i was doing in this one, or why both erin and i are touching our armpits. it looks like i'm grabbing my tit and wailing. here i've taken a shot that i clearly didn't like on my twenty-first birthday. i'm sweaty from dancing to bad seventies music. and here i've finished throwing up and passed out, again on my birthday, and some of my lady friends decided to pose with my corpse. i was told that my guy friends were against this picture being taken. all right. this ends my attempt at owning what i look like through a lens.

i suspect i was gradually given the talk over a number of years because i know i've known or at least had some sense of things for as long as i can remember. i think this is why: my mom used to get REALLY scary PMS to the point i know she explained to me at a very young age that something happened to women once a month, and i suspect i asked why that happened, and that she gave me a watered down version then which i just added details to as i went along. and i'm happy it went like that. a religion was never forced on me, i was exposed to all swear words and scary movies early on, i knew what sex was early on, my parents started giving me alcohol when i was fourteen, and told me that while they don't want me doing drugs, neither can really say anything about it. result: i feel well-rounded and never had a rebellious stage.

it is a little pass

left eyebrow, right industrial, sort of craving another one.

it's unfortunate that whole and hole are homophones. because brokenhole is two percent funny.