myself_i_must_remake

What I've done on first dates is hopefully different than what I plan to do on future first dates. Although, some people it's better not to pass up.

Home is wherever I'm with you <3

I had back problems in the past, but it's really starting to feel better lately so I told myself I'd get in shape once the weather got nice by running and doing flips everyday. So it seems like a bad joke that the temperatures this year so far are fifteen degrees below normal

I'm struggling with this on the story I'm writing right now. It's definitely a pleasure you can give the reader if that's what they're looking for, but it can distract or be the only thing some readers remember. I'm trying also to weave character development into the sex, but it seems too heavy-handed, like an obvious metaphor or something. EDIT: New problem. Writing sex is its own distraction. Make what you will of that.

It's not for you to say who is the type of person to take offense. He insulted an entire group of people, but whatever that's cool, let him get away with it. You didn't even address the quote. You just essentially said, "NOPE YOU'RE WRONG," without justifying all the negative language he used when DESCRIBING OTHERS.

The thing is, it did come across that way. "pussy fem-boy" were his words. He could've defined himself as masculine without negative reference to others, but no, he had to define himself as masculine as opposed to what he called a "negative stereotype" which he claimed made it harder for other gays. I want him to see that it's that kind of thinking that makes things hard for us. I don't care if it's off-topic. It was insensitive.

Why don't you "cast a precarious eye" on the people who've decided it's a negative stereotype? That's what we're asking. No need to fly off the handle over it. You keep blaming the victims, when it's the assholes of the world who make it hard to be gay, not the gays themselves.

The crux of internalized homophobia: two opinions of yourself: love/hate.

Actually I know a lot of straight-acting gays who don't insult the less masculine ones, and likewise don't get called out for internalized homophobia. It's the insults that provoke that argument, and it is a valid argument. You can't just dismiss it because you've heard it before. This is really frustrating because I think I made a lot of valid points, but you're just ignoring them. You probably owe some people apologies, but I'm pretty sure doing that is admitting you did something wrong, which isn't part of the masculine code. Personally I'm offended. I've likewise worked hard to get where I am, but it sounds like you're saying that if I were more masculine I would get farther. Furthermore, it sounds like you'd sooner blame me for that than the society which would make things work out that way. I never said anything about straight-acting gays. I did, however, say things about those who attack the more feminine ones, and those who are straight-acting only because they try hard to be. Also: you can't have any idea who you'd be in a different environment. Identity is, after all, largely learned. You really have to admit the historical basis for your behavior. Back in the days of racism, the lighter skinned blacks acted poorly toward the darker skinned ones, and here we have a straight-acting gay seeing nasty things about feminine gays.

Also, from Wikipedia:

You never really addressed what that masculinity is. Go ahead: define it for us. The problem is, in your descriptions of yourself and more "effeminate" gays, you end up tying things together that don't go together. All right so first you said that, and then when someone called you out on it, you said this: Is calling an entire group of people "pussy fem-boy gay" not implying that you see yourselves as better than them, especially when you go on to say that those "perpetuate the stereotype that brings us all down"? Way to blame the victim for the faults of the bullies. Gay stereotypes don't bring us down, the allegedly masculine ones do because this group of people has deemed themselves entitled to lash out at other people who don't fit their contrived ideal. Things really start to fall apart when you describe your reason for being straight acting: "Some of us were raised in environments where being "campy" was not an acceptable choice. I was raised in a very competitive environment where the strong got ahead and the weak and "un-manly" got left behind. I learned from a young age how to act and what I had to do to get ahead. I learned to become competitive and to do what I had to to get to the top and become the best. . . . I molded myself accordingly and got to where I am today because of it." So only masculine gays get ahead? There are no effeminate gays in prestigous positions at universities, businesses, in Hollywood, and in the arts? Well hot damn. I should reconsider what schools I apply to for my PhD because I might not be masculine enough to make the cut. What's most interesting about your defense of what I'm going to call by its name--internalized homophobia--is where you say you "molded yourself." It makes it sound like it's not natural in you, like it's some act of mimicry you had to pull off because it wasn't essential to you. Honestly: you didn't have to tell me or us that being ostensibly gay wasn't okay in your developmental environment. We can tell already. Like so many, you took those lessons to heart and instead of asking yourself, "What's wrong with this and how can I challenge it?" you conformed to what society at large wanted, and now take out their faults on the more effeminate gays. How masculine of you.

Brings out the worst in some people and the best in others. My family has a poor track record for it, and I don't see myself as an exception. I would, however, entertain the idea if it mean a lot to someone I was in love with.

I'm out. Girls usually peg me right away. Other guys usually say, "Something seemed different," but don't think of it as gay-acting until I tell them. Then: "Oh, I see it now."

There is a second gay stereotype: the gay who "passes" and says shitty things about more feminine gays. I've met quite a few. They've been all around the same age, and they all have insecurity issues. There was some confusion, somewhere along the line, about what constitutes masculinity. First and foremost, it's a perception, at least the way I see it used in common parlance. When a gay says, "I'm masculine," he means, "I pass for straight." Meanwhile, of the more abstract, less superficial qualities of masculinity that men allege to have--courage, willingness to go against the herd, strongheadedness--I see very little. So many men, gay or not, work to make sure they don't commit one of an increasing number of masculine faux pas so other guys let them remain part of the herd. The status quo argument is a fallacy. To do something because "that's the way things are" is a non-argument. The "real world?" By that people often mean corporate America. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't call corporate America or any of its silly off-shoots the "real world." It's the exact opposite: a society running around a set of rules designed to benefit a certain group of people. Like so much, it's another song and dance, but one with high stakes.

he's an opportunity. that's what's important.

good to hear from you. all 3.5 of our interactions have been pleasant.

Sometimes lubricant makes things worse. I was eighteen. It was my first time. Scented hand lotion was the only thing on hand. It stung really bad.

Like politics, death is a subject that troubles me but that I don't delve too far into because neither I nor anyone else can know enough to feel a sense of control over it. Some feel that they've achieved a sort of victory over death by coming to terms with it, but I don't consider dignified surrender a form of victory. Anywhere absence follows presence, you have a metaphor for death, and if you think about it, those are the situations people trouble themselves over most. All anxiety over loss is microcosmic death fear. Break-ups, graduations, relocations, empty bottles. These things aren't all necessarily bad, but they are stressful, and so too is death. If people react poorly to your interest in it, then they are probably hypocrites without realizing it. Everyone fascinates over death, but perhaps most do only through its everyday guises and metaphors. I hope not to deal too heavily with it for several decades.

History My mother’s madness has an architecture. Its symptoms, as I have seen them during my nineteen years, are terrible and various, with the layered complexity of aged bordeaux. I can trace the thread of the origins of that madness at least as far back as her childhood, but there can be little doubt that they extend much further, the first cogs antedating Milton. It’s easy for me to imagine that there was, perhaps, an original matriarch sputtering madness in a dead European language from u

December 26 2010 - ?

"Petals on a Wet Black Bough" I cannot shake the feeling that my mother is still alive. Down in the cellar of that collapsed mansion, she slouches in her wooden chair: head down, eyes shut, arms crossed under her breasts. Aside from the parasomniac nourishment of spiders, she sustains herself with stories. Unlike Scheherazade, she is the author, audience, and subject of her own monody. She awaits her death, wondering if it is even possible. I, on the other hand, have no doubts about my mo

i'm at least a quarter irish. there's some polish in there, and then a bunch of eastern european countries who have either disappeared or shifted borders. if a delinquent from this website says i'm jewish, he's lying and mean.

a time machine

happy 3-hour EST belated birthday.

YOU JUST MADE THE COMMENT I MADE ON YOUR PREVIOUS ENTRY MEANINGLESS!