myself_i_must_remake

It is and it is not. I didn't want this thread to be just about me, so I broadened so anyone who felt alienated in an extreme way might be able to relate. Obviously I'm dozens of times better off than my hypothetical islander, but I wanted to start with kind of an everyman because I'm sure I'm not the only one having a strange experience of feeling like I was transplanted into a new society whose rules don't make sense to me. Nope. I've never had what I would consider a serious or even semi-serious relationship; only a few long-distance disasters and some colorful affairs. Nice answers, though, everyone! No one half-assed this at all

I have a thought experiment for you guys, and I hope some of you (especially the wiser and older, but of course I believe everyone will have something to offer, and hope to be surprised by incisive young people) answer it seriously and at length. I do have motives for posing this prompt. Some of them are probably obvious, but some definitely are not. So: A young male grows up on an island cut off from civilization. Let's say he had a family who taught him speech, basic mental abilities (math, reasoning, a crude system of ethics), basic food preparation for survival, and some hygiene. Let's say the young man is twenty-four years old (yes, I'm inviting parallels with myself). His family has died several years ago, and for a while he has been without any human contact. He is not a savage, but has no worldly skills. He is discovered and brought to live in a city. Your job is to outfit him with the tools not only to survive in the city, but also to have the potential to thrive. You can only give him directions and information, not friendship. Let's say his intelligence and attractiveness are average, and that he has no outstanding abilities. Your ultimate goal is to make him "pass" as a normal human being, and even to reshape his experience of life so that he thinks of himself as an outsider only when he remembers his past. How do you start training him? What do you expose him to? How do you prioritize his goals? After attaining what skills will he have achieved personhood? What does day one look like? Week one? Month one? Year one? Remember: he has no understanding of what it means to be a person. He does not know how to work, he does not understand human interactions, he has zero supports outside of himself and your direction.

Honestly, it sounds like maybe you should wait before thinking about the next guy, doesn't it? Being needy, overspending, putting up with abuse, having your world torn up, being afraid to be alone, and feeling insecure at social events are all signs of issues that you should resolve before you enter into relationship territory again. It's no coincidence that the last two people you talked to (the one who wasn't interested and the one who stood you up) didn't go so well; for some reason, people can sense when people are needy and insecure and want the relationship more than is healthy, and it repels them. I only say this because I've done similar things in the past, and only now (five years older), am I really learning that as much as I'd like a relationship, and as much as putting lots of effort into it seems like it'd help, I still need to learn to enjoy life without it and feel confident in myself; only then will I have the magnetism that attracts the guys who'll treat me well. So: why not put yourself on lockdown for two of those summer months? It takes a long time to recover from a bad relationship. Just don't be like me and take until twenty-four to learn a lesson you have the opportunity to learn now, at nineteen.

If I hadn't deleted my entire blog about a month ago, you'd be able to dig back through the entries and find one where I made a similar rant, and I was probably even drunk too. My version of it had been not to assume that people who have an enviable relationship have any idea how they got themselves into that position. (What's worse: I'm starting to realize it's even less likely they deserved it.) I find that people tell you essentially to do whatever you're not doing: If you're using online dating, going to bars, asking people out, and mentioning to friends that you're looking, then they say: You're trying too hard. It'll come to you when the time is right. Why just the other day my friend was at the grocery store--of all places!--and met this nice young man... It just happened. It happened because their time was right. And then you'll hate everyone involved because not only are they all retarded, but they have what you want and clearly seem too stupid to appreciate it. If you're focusing on yourself, your career, your hobbies, your friends, and generally not putting forth effort toward romance but remaining open to the possibility, then those same friends will say: Well how do you expect anything to happen if you don't put yourself out there? Oh, I know what we'll do. We'll fix you up. I know a great place where we can go and meet people... And then you've become a charity project. In either case, some well-meaning but essentially unthinking outsider hijacks your life according to principles absorbed from common sense (which isn't sense at all) and television. Why do we ask, then? Well: the dissonance is good, in a way, isn't it? Something about hearing others speak thoughts you've already generated yourself seems to change things. The same is true about writing things out. And occasionally there is that person who does have solid, unobvious, effective advice. Usually it comes from people who have endured a similar problem and crafted a way out. Even then, those people are usually wise enough to provide disclaimers (and that's how you know to trust them). They say: I can't make any promises, but when I was in a situation like yours, I did this, and this is what I got. It isn't exactly what I was shooting for, but it was something... For many gays, however, this person is difficult to find. For me, a lack of role models ranks among the top problems facing gay youth. If there is a positive to asking people for advice, even if they have none of value to offer, it might be that being involved in the solution to the problem makes them listen to it in a way they might not otherwise. From that you get a degree of recognition and understanding, if nothing else.

Dear BC (Friday, August 13, 2004): You'll need proof that I am who I say I am, that is, that I am your future self, nearly eight years forward. You need proof that this isn't something Koren did (you'll be calling our mother by her first name after college for reasons you're not ready for) to mess with you, or to upset you into some kind of confession. You'll agree that the best proof will be the things that--as of your present moment--only we know. So: you were bold last night, weren't you? You've been bold lately in general, and others have noticed. They might deride you for it (look up that word; look up all the words you don't know), but the truth is, when you are bold, when you are most yourself, is when they respect you most, regardless of what they might say. From this distance of nearly eight years, I can say that you will regret no moment of boldness (even if the immediate consequences are sometimes painful, they will always be productive), and you will regret and punish yourself for all those days you spend playing it safe and second guessing yourself. Have you met anyone successful who tells you to trust not your first instinct, but instead your second one--fear? As I said: you were bold. You scheduled your party for a Thursday night--a strange choice. Why not for the weekend? Well: the Perseid meteor shower peaked last night, didn't it? It's not peaking tonight or tomorrow night. At North Chagrin Wildlife Reserve you had seen the sign advertising some stargazing event, and you organized a party because--who knows?--maybe you and Paul would somehow end up outside together, alone. And that is what happened, isn't it? You were playing Soul Calibur II and a hand tapped your shoulder, only yours, and soon enough you were laying side-by-side on the trampoline (weren't your arms touching?) talking about--well, you remember. The meteors were great, and the fireflies too. You'll tell him what you never thought you would soon enough. I know what happens, and in your mind, you think the obvious thing for me to do is to tell you how things wind up: is he gay? does he love you? Trust me when I say it's best you don't know, and trust me when I say the best thing you can do is to tell him. Remember: you will never regret having been bold. More generally speaking, things have been different lately, haven't they? You have more friends, you feel better about yourself on a day-to-day basis. It's hard for you, at this point, to see why that's happening, but I can tell you: you've finally started forming your own identity instead of imitating others. You could continue to do that and be very happy, or you could falter, and question yourself, and regret it terribly. You were dealt a different hand than anyone else you've met; what's more: you might not even be playing the same game. When you play cards with your friends, do you stand any chance if you play 7-card stud by the rules of rummy? Imitation is not the answer. I do not have to tell you your talents; focus on those, not those of others. Lastly, and even more generally, a metaphor to understand the coming years by: do you remember the beginning of Kingdom Hearts? At the beginning of the game, you get the opportunity to answer questions from Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka. The way you answer the questions determines how you level up: your journey might start at dawn and begin easily and end with greater difficulty; or your journey might begin at midday and remain steadily moderate throughout; or your journey might start in the dead of night and begin with extreme difficulty and end with ease. In the long run, you know, the latter is the best, even if it means you have to work really hard at first, it pays off eventually. You would do well to remember that. Pet Cody for having brought this to you; he isn't a smart dog, but he's a good dog. In fact, he's probably a good dog because he isn't a smart dog. -BC (Wednesday, May 23, 2012)

seeing as though one of the phd programs i'm applying to will be in austin, i'll be needing to know what jsmith is i'm versatile, btw, though leaning top lately, which is very odd for me. when i was 21 i just wanted to bottom everyone and his brother, and now i'm totally chasing tail everywhere.

Happy Birthday, Paul! That offer still stands for you to buy me a video game.

this is all spoken from the position of someone who has been unable to solve a similar problem... but i do notice that socially, the people who need something too badly of course do not get it, because need is socially unattractive (for some reasons that make sense and others that are horrible). the ridiculous thing people would tell you is that you'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking, and yet those people end up correct for reasons that we puzzle-everything-to-death types will never understand. in other words: try not to try?

i wonder: when we recognize each other masking, is it more polite to point it out to the person (privately, obviously publickly it would be callous), or to respect it and play along? i remember a professor a while ago talking about how women in the restoration period of england would go out with masks to conceal their identities and be someone's mistress. but anyone who's seen someone with a mask on knows it doesn't really do much to hide anything. still, it was good decorum to pretend that you didn't recognize the person. weird, eh? and maybe more pertinent than it seems.

reminds me of my attitude toward gay marriage: yay, another way for pretty people to have better lives.

can't tell if i actually like it... or if it's just really stuck in my head.

it's about time someone focus grouped us.

Neither. What I look for in a story is what it can give me that other media can't: a certain relationship with language. Television took over plot, and character too often for me relies on stereotyping or certain assumptions about retaining attributes over time. The more I read, the more character and plot for me have become excuses for language. I can point to one of the first times I felt this way. I read James Joyce's "The Dead" after coming home late one night from a little affair I had sophomore year. Here's the final paragraph of the story: Obviously I wouldn't deny the importance of plot or character, but for me both are an excuse for language, and both rely on language in ways we sometimes miss because we think of it as a transparent medium instead of a material (sonic, spatial) thing in itself.

Personally I don't understand how people like Cia keep up with everyone. As a professional complainer, I get a lot of help from people on this site, and it just amazes me that they are able to reach out to so many of us.

We're reading an autobiography in one of my classes where something like this happens, and it seems like in autobiography--of all genres--it should be impossible, but yet the author speaks for some other characters's emotions and events she couldn't have actually been present for. I brought it up in class as kind of a turn-off, and I'm glad I know a word for it now.

thanks everyone! it's been a pretty good birthday. my roommates decorated the hall outside my room, and gave me cake and wine. considering i wasn't planning on celebrating, i'm pretty pleased!

I've struggled with this a lot over the last few years. Through college I picked up a lot of vocabulary, and I became concerned for those words: if no one uses them, will they die? At first I didn't like the idea that part of the language would atrophy, but over time I've accepted that if a word does not get used, then it must not be useful enough. (There is, however, an element of education here: vocabulary is becoming less and less the object of education before college. Sure, the SAT assesses it, but other than that, the focus is shifting toward research and information retrieval skills.) But what about pleasure? Having several available terms to cover a small field of meanings can afford a certain pleasure. Synaesthetes will tell you that sensory experiences attach themselves to certain letters. In that case, selecting a word means not only approximating a meaning, but also importing sensual cues. When I write a particularly affective scene, I listen to songs that represent that feeling for me with that hope that the music will guide me toward more sensually accurate word choices. (Weird, eh?) Having a field of terms to select from--even if some might drive the reader to the dictionary--is a privilege. I have several points of disagreement or at least clarification here. Part of the joy of reading is, according to some, being in the hands of a master story-teller; hence, the tie between author and authority. To tell the truth, I do want to read an author who seems smarter than me, or who has something to offer that I do not have. I completely sympathize with the sentiment here: no one wants to read an author who's flexing his vocabulary for show, but let's not assume that all uses of non-"common" language necessarily have that as an aim. Lastly, there are certain characters who are fun to read or write because of their overblown diction. (For examples: Nabokov's Humbert Humbert and Faulkner's Rosa Coldfield.) I like this understanding best. When an author places a slightly erudite term amongst otherwise everyday vocabulary because that term is the most specific, the effect for the reader is really exciting. I just read a Gwendolyn Brooks novel, Maud Martha, where her vocabulary is mostly simplistic, but occasionally she lets fall a perfect, specific word, and the effect is stunning. I can agree to simple being best, but only if simple means most exact. Simplifying would be dangerous.

I want to say I can't believe someone would say that, but my generation seems to be the must repulsive yet (I'm assuming he was around my age). The least he could have done was have a conversation with you. I wish there weren't so much hostility between gays. How does the people expect to "find love" if it's always a game of oneupsmanship? Half the profiles I read on dating sites say something disparaging other gays, and more often than not it seems to have to do with the speaker's own insecurities. I know how that stuff can ruin your day though. Sorry man.

our best dog was a shepherd. small breeds be damned.

I had this very thought about my ex. When I was dating him, he was still highly attractive, but I saw pictures of him when he was like nineteen and twenty, and it was out of control. Not only was he beautiful, but beautiful in a way I had never seen before, like... I didn't know a human could look like that, and I think it had an undue effect on me. If I had met him back when he looked like that, I could see myself having gone crazy over him. I'd post pictures if it weren't creepy. I know in my mind, I'll always imagine him like that and when I'm writing stories, I see myself imagining him often as a character.

As I mentioned in my blog, I have a new story in the works... kind of. If I do finish it, I certainly won't do so quickly. At any rate, find the link below The House of Water

“anyone lived in a pretty how town (with up so floating many bells down) spring summer autumn winter he sang his didn’t he danced his did . . .” --e. e. cummings “This is no place to sleep.” Something nudged my ribs. I assumed it was a foot. I was regaining consciousness, trying to move my body or say something, but sti

I agree with sat8997, and I would discourage the flowery dialogue tags. I know many people think they should switch up their diction so the reader doesn't get tired of the same word over and over, but says and said are the exceptions. When it comes to dialogue, readers glance over says and said the same way they do punctuation, and that's a good thing: it allows the dialogue to speak for itself. Flowery dialogue tags distract from the dialogue itself, suggest that the dialogue is weak, or make it read like a cheap romance novel. Some authors object (similar to their objection to the easy-on-the-adverbs rule) that they just can't possibly trust the reader to imagine their scene correctly without the dialogue tag, but my response to that is that 1) they need to trust their readers more and 2) it might suggest their dialogue is weak. If the author sticks to says and said, the alternative tags have more value (just like an earned, appropriate adverb) when they do appear.

Thank you for taking time to read carefully the begins of what seems like a cryptic story. Things will make more sense soon (but only after they make less sense), and that specific line will get an explanation. In a sense, it is what the entire story (29 chapters), will be based around.

I am not alone, I am sure, when I say I have blown up moments into years and squeezed years into moments. My few moments with Other Michael, for example, I have replayed over and over in mind so much that, over the course of my life, I have likely dedicated at least a month of thought to the events of several hours. Contrariwise, my first year and a half at university exists as a dull gray gap in my memory. Rarely do images from my life at that university bubble up on their own. If I want, I can