AFriendlyFace

Awww Talk about romantic! What a great story, Jack! I'm sorry to hear you guys didn't stay together, but it's awesome that you're able to still be friends! He is gay though, right Vic? Awwwww That's so sweet, Colin! Good luck to you both in college As for me, well I'm not seeing anyone, but I'm optimistic Take care all and have a great day! Kevin

Interestingly, at the beginning of the article when they showed that picture of the hair whirl, I not only did immediately, correctly identify the counter-clockwise whirl as "gay", I also thought it more "attractive". On the other hand that could have been due to hair colour/style as well *shrug* I really enjoyed this article! Thank you very much for posting it, Jack I didn't particularly care for that Michael Bailey, and I was furious when I read Sven Bocklandt's "You activate one or the other

Sorry I'm a bit late, Greg! I hope your birthday was completely fantastic! Take care and may the coming year treat you very well indeed! -Kevin

Hmm, like Menzo I think I pretty much went from 1 to 5 too. I sorta already had too many gay friends and was too okay with gay people to go through anger, barganing and depression. Apart from which I don't really do anger and depression in general much anyway, and barganing would have probably felt silly to me. Take care all and have a great day! Kevin

Well said Perfectly said, Dio! Exactly what I was going to say, Graeme! In many ways I think the internet is great because it allows you to really focus exclusively on people's thoughts, feelings, ideas, and general personalities and ignore appearences, mannerisms, and behaviours. However, as you pointed out these are things are aspects of the person in question and do need to be taken into consideration. In general though, I'm pleased that the internet does offer a venue in which to essentially "ignore" these other things since all too often it's only these things that are given consideration in casual day-to-day interactions. So a divide? Hmmm I suppose if I had to put myself in either the butch or femmie category I'd fall into femmie, although I certainly wouldn't describe myself that way unless I had to pick one or the other for myself. True enough I have a major shopping addiction, I'm fascinated by clothes and while I most certainly don't descriminate against people based on what they're wearing (several of my close friends need a major fashion intervention yet I've always managed to keep my mouth shut unless asked), I almost always do notice and remember what people wear.. I also have a collection of skin and hair products which could rival any teenage girl. I also tend to seek emotional relationships and connections with people ("How did that make you feel?" is more important to me than "What happened?"). On the other hand I consider myself a very strong, independent person. I tend to relate to other gay guys in more of a "protector" role, and I pride myself on my "southern manners" which I extend not only to women but also guys (especially gay guys). In general I don't think there's that big a divide between the two categories, and I don't think they're usually that cut and dried. Sometimes I see clear examples of one or the other with very little mixture, but most people (myself included) seem to fall somewhere in the middle. Let me use some examples from my last job. There were a couple of very effiminate (gay) guys there. I really liked them both, and was quite close with one of them; however, occasionally they did make me uncomfortable, mostly because while everyone at work was okay with them on a few occasions I was treated the same way that they were. They wanted to be treated/regarded in this way (essentially as "one of the girls"); I didn't particularly care for it and while everyone definitely had good intentions it made me uncomfortable sometimes. On the other hand there was another gay guy there, who I suppose was more "butch". On one occasion I went for drinks with he and his friends at their favourite bar. I had a great time! However, I didn't really feel like I "fit in" exactly. For one thing there wasn't really a single guy there that I was particularly interested in in anything beyond a platonic capacity (which is completely fine, and as I said I had a great time, but people do tend to go to clubs/bars for romantic/sexual reasons). I guess in short, I do tend to be attracted to "pretty guys", but while I want them to look pretty I don't want them to act like princesses. LOL, I guess I like "straight acting" but "gay looking" guys. That's about the only time I'd say I have any biases based on "fem or butch", and that's only my personal preferences for dating. When it comes to friendship I'm happy to hang out with, and likely to get along with, the butchest or femmiest gay guy. -Kevin

Hi Nick So sorry I haven't been around very much Personally I love the idea of you incorporating characters from the anthologies into the serials! I think it would be really fun! I hope you have a nice time with your grandparents Take care and have a great day! Kevin

Hey Luc! First off I pretty much agree with everything Viv said. Especially with regards to solving the concrete problem of the plans you guys had with Scott. Here are some thoughts I had though:

I guess overall I consider myself thick skinned. That's not to say I don't react to criticism, I just don't fall apart over it. My most likely reaction will be to either distance myself from the situation until I can improve (assuming I think the criticism was accurate), or to distance myself emotionally from the person who did the criticising (assuming I think it was unfair). That second part sounds worse than it is. I tend to be a very emotionally available, empathetic person. If I remained emotionally close to someone who was harshly and unfairly criticising me it would be bad for my emotional well-being. The distance is also usually temporary, usually only until I/we can work out whatever the issue is, or if it's completely about me until I can sort out what to do with the criticism. But anyway, while I'll adapt I most certainly won't break if someone criticises me. The only time criticism really does hurt is, as the others have said, when it comes from someone I respect in the area that they're knowledgable about. In other words a friend that I really like and respect could say "what a stupid play" with regards to some game I'm playing, and chances are I won't care if the friend is less knowledgable about the game than I am. Also, the criticism should be about something subjective if it's going to hurt me. If you say you don't like something I've written, or painted, or otherwise created and I care about you (and you've done it in a harsher way than simply "I don't like that"), THEN I'll be hurt. If it's something objective then it doesn't really bother me because either you know more about it than me in which case you're right and the criticism can help, or you know less about it than me and I'm right so your opinion doesn't matter. Actually I admit that during an argument/confrontation/fight I won't let my opponent see that he/she has hurt me at all. It may have hurt but I'll deal with it later on on my own or with trusted people, but I'll hold up during the incident itself. To be honest the only time I do let someone see that they've hurt me would be if I were doing it for guilt or sympathy purposes. Few things frustrate me more than seeing someone fall apart under criticism when they're the only person that can help themselves. If I can help I will, but often the only person that can fight back is the person in question. In which case I just hate seeing them fall apart. Of course there are a few sore spots for me that always hurt and that I always take straight to heart. Unfortunately this is true even if the person isn't trying to offensive, or even "brutally honest", but just happens to say the wrong thing that they probably can't even imagine why it would be offensive. It's probably further complicated by the fact that apart from these few things I'm generally pretty difficult to offend or upset so I'm sure it seems like it comes from out of no where. I realize this, and I don't hold it against the person, but it does hurt. LOL, generally in this case I'll be completely open and honest with my feelings since the person wasn't trying to hurt me in the first place and since I'm not on the offensive. What an awesome post!! Everyone come look at Jamie's clever post!! Yes, I agree. Postive feedback is definitely more important in the beginning phases of something, and I think it's very important to remember this and adjust what and how they say something accordingly. Take care all and have a great day! Kevin

I was actually thinking his pants were really cute. You guys look adorable, Joe I'm glad for ya'll! -Kevin

That's probably the one thing that can be boiled down to from all my other disagreements with traditional Christianity/religion in general. I have absolutely no problem with Faith, and quite the opposite I think it can be very healthy. Indeed I hope to instill it in my own children. But I think this faith should always be based in reality, should be open for discussion and debate, and should most definitely take context into consideration. A good example is birth control. Of course birth control wasn't supported in the Bible/early church. Comparitively there weren't very many people. The ones that were here died much younger and often didn't reach maturity in the first place, etc. etc. So naturally it was advantage and indeed moral for people to have tons of children to ensure the continuation of the species. TODAY however, when we've got OVERpopulation and people are hanging on forever, and almost all babies are maturing, I think is ridiculous, irresponsible and immoral for mainstream churchs to continue the ban on contraception. Actually homosexuality could just as easily fit into that same argument. As a race we probably didn't particularly want our members pairing off with others of the same sex because we needed all the reproductive individiuals we could get. Today, not so much. As for Christian forgiveness, well personally I really like it, appreciate it, and avail myself of it all the time. I definitely do consider myself a Christian and I think that it really enhances my life. I just believe in making logical moral choices and not just writing off your own responsibility by looking to someone/something else to make every decision for you. Just my thoughts, Take care and have a great day, Demetz Kevin

I used to be quite a worrier. I suppose I still am to some point, but I'm much more relaxed than I used to be. My top 5 things to worry about: 1) Auto accidents/deaths (be them my own or anyone else's) 2) Running out of time (I never feel like I have enough time to do everything I want/need to do. On the bright side I'm never bored) 3) Growing Looking older 4) Being stuck somewhere and needing to pee (this one is actually rational considering that with the amount of water I drink I need to pee at least once an hour) 5) Being cut, bruised, or breaking anything. (I actually don't really care about the physical pain but I can't stand anything to leave a mark, and God forbid I get a scar.)

I guess I'll give the answer I always give: "I don't know". And I don't exactly mean that I don't know if there are ghosts (although I suppose that's also sort of what I mean), what I mostly mean is that I don't know if I believe in them (a difficult distinction to grasp I know). I'm completely conflicted on this subject. There's an extremely rational, skeptical side of me that would say OF COURSE NOT, without thinking twice and it's this same side that's always internally shocked when someone says they do. However, there's an equally strong spiritual, open-minded side. A side that couldn't care less about rationality or reason or proof. A side that thinks it's ridiculous to ever be closed-minded about such a possibility. It's this side that usually causes me to listen with an open-mind when someone says they do believe. There's a side that wants to believe in ghosts, and a side that doesn't want to believe. A side that would definitely not be afraid if they existed, and a side that definitely would. **big shrug** I just don't know.

WOOO HOOO! YAY for Vic's birthday!!! Happy Birthday, Vic!!! It's a pleasure having you a round and I'm very happy for all the fun times I've had with you! May this year bring you all the peace and happiness that you deserve and may your birthday be the best and brightest ever! -Kevin

Mark, that's so profound! I'm so sorry for your loss. SO, well said Krista, and Nero! That's pretty much exactly how I feel too. Also very well said, Bsk! As Luc said he blogged about something similar, and since I happened to read both that blog and this thread at the same time, and since your post would no doubtedly have reminded me of this anyway, I'll just go ahead and say one of my favourite quotes again: Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened My best friend told me that once when I was sad about something (can't even remember what anymore). I'm not sure if she made it up herself or if it's a quote from someone else, but it's forever stuck with me. She's a remarkable person. I won't even go into her tons of other positive qualities, but what I will mention is that she's a fighter. She's a naturally sad kind of person, and sadness and conflict seem to always find her, but she marches relentlessly on nevertheless. Actually she's also a good example of one of my attachments. We met our soph. year of HS and became friends, then we became really close or Junior and Senior years. Then we stayed really close for the first two years of college. Then we didn't see each other or communicate very much anymore. But we stayed close nonetheless. Every several months we would see each other or else just call. It was usually always when one of us was going through something (usually her since I've led a remarkably pleasant life thus far, but one a couple of occasions I've needed the support too). The last time was a few weeks ago when she broke up with her girlfriend. We chatted everyday on the phone for several hours, one conversation even lasted over five hours! I suppose it sounds like they must have been rather grim conversations if the impetus was her break up, but actually they really weren't; they were quite fun! Sure we kept coming back to the break up and stuff, but mostly we just caught up and reminisced. Anyway, the point is that despite the fact that we DID loose touch, and our lives did take us in completely different directions and to completely different places, we can still count on each other and we can still pick up where we left off. I find it comforting to know that even with many months and hundreds of miles between us that gap can be bridged with a simple phone call. I think this is WONDERFUL, Graeme! I'm so proud of you and filled with respect and admiration! There's nothing wrong with "loading the di", it's just a good idea really! Go you! What an awesome idea, Colin! Then I must ask you a question, Robbie. Which person do you like better? Which person do you want to be? Do you need to both people (in which case everything's completely fine the way it is and you're getting what you need)? Do you want to be some combination/mixture of the two? Or do you want to be one or the other? I don't actually expect answers (although either way is cool by me), but I think it's something you ought to consider. Also, and I'm not saying you do have a problem - there's no way I could possibly judge that with the info I have, and even if I could who am I to do that - but if YOU think there might be a problem, then I think you owe it to yourself to think about it and figure out what's wrong and what you can do to fix it. Please don't be afraid to go places in your own head. It's far more important to be comfortable - completely comfortable - with yourself than it is to be comfortable with other people.

LOL, I read that as "my griTs just rolled their eyes at me..." aww Don't worry, Krista, I'm sure with time you'll grow on them

Luc, I'm so sorry that right now is one of life's valleys and not one of its peaks. Just a though, I don't think life is a zero sums game. I think it's quite possible for someone to be "ahead" in either the happy moments or the sad moments. You're definitely going to get some of each, but I think it's worth trying for more of the happy ones than the sad ones. I like to think people leave me when they no longer need me. I mean I'm pretty self-contained and easily distracted. I do miss people, and I'm sad when they go away, but I suppose I do move on pretty well...I guess that's why I've always preferred to think that they were the ones moving on. That they no longer needed me and that's why we're not close anymore. I suppose when it comes down to it I'd rather be left than be the one to leave...if I'm honest with myself though I guess that might not be the case. Thanks for giving me something to think about. One more little platitude I always particularly liked: "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened" Take care, Kevin

This is all excellent! It's probably not how'd I'd have put it, but I completely agree I suppose I'd agree with that. Hmm, this I'd disagree with. I suppose we have a different connotation for the word emotional. I seldom if ever reduce my thinking to pure black and white; however, as a general statement I'd say it's good to be emotional and bad to be unemotional. Of course by emotional I mean that it's good, proper, and healthy to express the emotions you're feeling in an acceptable, constructive way. I consider myself an emotional person, but I certainly don't think it takes precedence over my intellect. Hmm, personally I can imagine very few circumstances in which expressing your honest, heart-felt joy would be a bad thing or inappropriate. In fact the only scenario I could imagine is if your joy somehow made others feel worse. For example if I were at a funeral and recieved very good news, or if something really good had happened at work while a coworker was struggling/having a bad day. If your joy will make others feel worse about their plight, then yes it should be somewhat restrained. Even there though I'd actually think at least 50% of the responsibility would fall on the other person/people's shoulders to realize that despite their own bad circumstance they should still be happy for others (I just think that under most circumstances it isn't really reasonable to assume that they'll feel and understand this so for the sake of tact one should control themselves). As for sadness...hmmm, too complicated. One should definitely express their sadness in an honest, open way. They should not take it out on others or otherwise use it manipulatively however. In general I think sadness is much more complicated than joy so I'll refrain from making any other generalized statements. Once again I think we have a slightly different definition for the word "emotional". I agree that if something bad happens one should take action to resolve the problem instead of just sitting there crying; however, I see nothing wrong with having a cry and then fixing the problem. Recently I had a very stressful, series of unfortunate events occur. After I'd properly whinned, and accepted emotional support, I pulled myself together and took the steps I needed to take to fix the situation. I think it's perfectly fine to express your sadness, disappointment, or frustation, but there comes a time when you have to stop and take actions to make your sitation better. Beyond that the emotional behaviour is counterproductive.

WOOO HOOO!! Happy Birthday, Old Bob!!! You're wonderful attitude and boundless wisdom bring a great deal to the site!! I'm deeply pleased that it's been my pleasure to know you, and I look forward to many more years of friendship with you. May this year find you healthy, happy, and with all the things you want! Best wishes, Kevin

Ohhh, then I'm still a bit of a virgin too! Won't tell which one of those I haven't done though

I recently moved. I loaded some furniture into the back of the truck, drove it over to the new place, then got out to unload it. Upon going back there I realized that one of the two end tables I'd loaded up had apparently fallen out in transit ( ) and was now presumably somewhere between here and there in several smaller pieces. My reaction honest to God first reaction? "Oh well, at least it was the one I didn't like as much"

OK, I have some new comments and thoughts: Great method, Jamie! I try to do this too. I agree with what Graeme said; there's definately a difference between "I drink sometimes" and "I'm an alcoholic". I always try to avoid using black and white thinking. Also, I agree with Graeme about this situation probably not arising very often in the first place. I mean if you met a guy and started getting close with him you'd probably realize right away that he drank from time to time. After you know this it's really up to you what you do with that knowledge. You probably won't already be in love with him at this early stage (infatuatated maybe, but not "love"). So decide then and there if you're going to be okay with him drinking sometimes. If you know it's not something you can get past, then I'd suggest cutting things off sooner rather than later. I mean you should communicate with him, and give him the option of saying "well I'll just quit then." But personally at such an early stage in the relationship while I think he should have the option, I don't necessarily think it's fair for you to demand that or for him to make that sacrifice (but again that would obviously depend on unforseeable circumstances). If you decided that it was okay, and that you were going to be able to get past it, then that's what you need to do. Just accept it and leave it alone unless it becomes a problem. And as always communication is key. Hmm, I kinda think this is a "loaded" question. Yes, ideally love can overcome great obsticales, but as Luc said one must never compromise one's self out of existence. If at the time in your lives you're not ready to have a bf who drinks and he's not ready to completely give the stuff up, then that does sound rather non-negotiable. Personally, (and this is just my personal biases speaking) I couldn't imagine this being a "non-negotiable" relationship breaker for me. If I were the non-drinking partner I'd probably just be like "well okay, you can drink from time to time, just becareful and don't let it get out of hand". If I were the drinking partner I'd probably just say "well okay, if it's means that much to you I'll stop". But then for me personally, I do drink, I enjoy it, and I happily get drunk in safe environments from time to time. But I'm a fun, positive drunk. I only ever get silly and playful when I'm drunk, not sad or abusive, and while I enjoy it it's just one more thing I enjoy. I've often gone months without drinking at all, and I can pretty much take it or leave it. So if I really cared about a guy and it was important to him that I not drink I just wouldn't drink, it's not a big priority for me. Similarly, I have pretty relaxed attitudes about the whole thing and my main moral code is "as long as no one (including the person themself) gets hurt, go for it". So I'd probably just sorta be like "Yeah okay, drink if you want, just be careful". Anyway, the other important thing to remember is that we can all sit here and speculate about how things should be, but the fact remains that when the situation comes up only the individual people involved are going to know what's best for them, and they're still just going to have to make up their own rules as they go just like everyone else. My opinion is trust your boyfriend until you have a reason not to, but always be open with communicating your thoughts and feelings, and try to encourage him to as well. Yep, I've got the same method; I only eat chocolate on Sundays...that's why I order so many sundaes Have a great day all! Kevin

Well, in virtually any circle I run in I tend to be considered the most optimistic person there. Actually I'm always a little surprised by that face. I do consider myself an optimist, but I don't think I'm that intense with it, and I often get this comment from people I've only recently met and who I THOUGHT hadn't even had much of an opportunity to see the optimism. So I suppose it is something I put out there. Do I think pessimism can be positive and productive? Ummm, NO, not really. I mean I guess it could be a little bit, but for the most part I think it drains people, makes them give up faster, and generally weakens morale all around. Anyway, as Krista and Mark said, you can just go ahead and lower your expectation while also taking provisions to ensure that everything goes well, WITHOUT losing confidence and hope that things WILL go well. In other words don't walk into a test saying "I'm going to ace this sucker even though I didn't study!" (although I've often done that...and indeed aced them ) instead go in saying "I'm going to ace this sucker because I'm well prepared, and even if I don't I'm still doing well in the class and will have plenty of time to ace the next one!" Take care and have an awesome day Kevin

I would think so! In fact I even had you in mind when I was positing this theory This makes sense too! I suppose I might also be basing these observations on my own interaction with gay guys, and while I've definitely met a full range who would rate all over the board in terms of superficialness, etc. I probably AM exposed more heavily to a group that could well be skewed toward the more superficial end of the spectrum (for example young guys - I think overall younger people are more superficial than older people. It's also true that while I probably have more gay male friends who don't like to go out and go clubbing, when I enter that world I see and experience the types of guys who do, and they're probably more likely to be superficial as well). I also think that certain sub-groups of gay males are more likely to be (physically) superficial than others. "Bears" for example are often cited as an example of a sub-group with healthier phsyical attitudes, and a more relaxed emphasis on looks. I'd agree up to a point, although I'd also speculate that they simply have a different physical bias. It's really the same thing as my own personal disinterest in "very well-built, highly muscular" guys. Basically I'm just not usually particularly physically attraacted to really "butch" looking guys even if that butchness is generally percieved as something positive by society (I.E. large muscles). I personally prefer a smaller, leaner build, with an emphasis on toned not large muscles.