NickolasJames8

I'll light a candle for his safe return

Ok, so I know it's been a good minute since I've updated any of my stories, but especially If By Chance. Well, if you guys are still with me, I've sent two chapters off to Talonrider. I'm really sorry for not getting these chapters done sooner, but the good news is that as soon as I get them back, you'll have two chapters of If By Chance to read, and chapter eight is halfway finished. Also, I've been conflicted about the soundtrack for this story (yes, all of my stories have soundtracks ). I've pretty much got it down for this one, and I'm on a roll with it. I'll list the tracks and if you want to hear them, you can either go to Youtube or Itunes and get them. Well, technically, on youtube, you have to watch them, but the music's still there Also, I'll post a different song from the soundtrack on the media player on my Hometown Page (the link's on the right) and you can listen there if you'd like. Babyface_When Can I See You Again Johnny Gill_My My My Keith Sweat_I'll give all my love to you Keith Sweat_My Body Kem_Love Calls R. Kelly_Keep it on the downlow R. Kelly_Step In the Name of love R. Kelly & Sparkle_Be Careful Tyrese_Sweet Lady Isley Brothers_Contagious Tony Rich Project_Nobody Knows It But Me Tony Braxton_Breathe Again Toni Braxton_Just Be A Man About It Tony Braxton_I Get So High So yeah, if you're wondering what I'm listening to while I'm pounding out chapters of If By Chance, now you know BTW, The Redskins almost blew their lead over the Cardinals but somehow they managed to squeek one out.

Whether you are homosexual or not, you should repost this in support of your friends and loved ones who are. Love is not defined by color, creed, or gender. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. ..LiKE THIS..PEOPLE ARE iGNORANT . I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them. I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson." This is the boy, Matthew Shepard. On October 7, 1998 Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow. Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. KILLED BECAUSE HE WAS GAY!!! ---IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS AS "HOMOPHOBIA." ---IF YOU ARE IGNORANT... IGNORE

Me and Taylor went to Hampton tonight with my dad and my stepmom and walked to raise money for research for Kidney Disease. I'm doing it again next week in Portsmouth. The week after that, I'll be in Norfolk at Harbor Park walking for breast cancer research. It's kinda weird, because after all this time, after having four tumors taken out, finding a hole in my heart and basically spending more time in the hospital in the last few years than most people do in their lifetimes, I know that there's something I can do. There are always going to be sick people. There's nothing we can do about it. We're human, so we get human diseases. I feel like I've been really lucky, though. I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating, I have two arms and two legs and I can walk. Some people might say that I suffer from brain damage , but that's the worst of it. When I was in CHKD the last time, I saw a little kid who lost all of his hair. His face was swollen and one of his eyes was closed. It sucked, because I could tell that he was fighting for his life. I have no idea how he is, or if he's even alive today. I hope he is, and I hope he's cancer free. I guess the thing I'm trying to say is, I have no right not to do something. We live in a world where anything can happen, and any of us could be stricken with a horrible disease. What was it that made that kid get so sick, but gave me a pass? Why not me? I know I'm babbling on, and this isn't exactly a cheery post. But I guess it's not supposed to be. I have an appointment on Monday with my hemotologist. It's just a follow up, but my dad wants to make sure he looks at the bruise I got on my shin. I think he's being silly, but I know deep down that it's because he cares. Me and my stepmom just roll our eyes at him when he acts like this, and he gets all pushed out of shape. One of the best things about tonight wasn't about walking for a good cause. I think one of the best things about tonight was getting to spend some time with my dad and not fighting with him. We didn't argue about my hair, or about cutting my hours at work. We just walked and talked about normal, everyday things. Like how the Cowboys almost lost to the Bills on Monday. And about rebuilding our deck in the back yard. Of course, Taylor and my stepmom talked about Days of our lives the whole time. He's such a woman. So anyway, the walk didn't end until nine. Then it was a nightmare getting out of the parking lot we were in because about a zillion other people were trying to go out the same way we were. :pickaxe: :pickaxe: Once we got out of there, we sat in tunnel traffic for another fifteen minutes. :nuke: :nuke: So maybe next week we'll look for a better place to park. So yeah. I know this post doesn't make a lot of sense, but who cares?

That rules. I wonder what the Nobel Prize people were thinking when they saw her reaction

Congratulations, James

Ok, so some of you may or may not know that I don't work as a bagger anymore. I got a job at the golf course. At first I was washing golf carts and bringing them around to the club house, but then one day I wandered into the shop and started messing around with some of the carts that weren't working. Well, one thing led to another, and now I work on the carts instead of washing them, and I make way more money doing it. So anyway, we have a catwalk in the shop that we use to get to the things that hang really high, like hoses and rolls of wire. This afternoon I was climbing up the ladder/steps thingy that we have to climb to get up onto the catwalk, and right as I was about to step onto the platform, I slipped and banged my shin on the surface. As if that wasn't bad enough, I kept going down, to the top step, where my shin hit, then the next step, where my shin hit again, then the bottom step, where it landed one last time. By the time I was done falling, I had landed on my hands and knees. My hands were stinging, my shin was burning from the pain and I was wondering it I had broken a knee cap. But the most important thing on my mind was whether or not anyone was watching me fall. Luckily, no one saw, so I got up and hopped around on one foot for a minute, then I walked it off. I think I would have been sooooo humiliated if anyone had seen me fall like that. It probably would have looked really dumb, like the time I saw a guy pedaling really hard on his bike as we were driving passed him, and his feet slipped off the pedals. I'm sure it wasn't too funny to him, but I was sure laughing my ass off. Maybe this was karma's way of telling me not to laugh at other people. Or maybe it was the catwalk telling me to watch my step when I'm climbing up the steps.

Happy Birthday Dom Smiles

I think the best thing any of us can do is watch Iran closely. Personally, I think the US should launch an air strike against Iran, but as long as Bush/Cheney/Clinton are in power, that's not going to happen for purely political reasons. Myr's right about the fact that Iranians are killing our soldiers, but it's rarely talked about in the news media here in the US.

Hmmm...I know that everyone's been suggesting other options to choose from, and that you probably won't be adding any, but here's a couple I think should have been up there Yes, if that's what's truly in his DNA, but I worry about the stigma society attaches to gay/lesbian/bi/transgendered people. No, because I know they'll face the same kind of discrimination I have

Something happened today, and it all happened so fast that I still don't think I've had enough time to process it all. Maybe that's why I held my tongue, even though I really wanted to do something. One of my teachers announced that she was diagnosed with breast cancer on Tuesday, and that she has to have major surgery to find out if it's spread. She had enough respect for us to tell us what was going on, and then she admitted that she was terrified. My heart was just breaking for her, but then something happened... Some moron, who always says something stupid and makes a scene, said something really mean to her. When I say it was mean, I mean it was f**kED UP. I try hard not to use foul language on my blog, but that's what it was. I just wanted to get up and stick my fist in his mouth and my foot in his pussy. That was this morning. I haven't been able to get it out of my mind all day. I keep going back to how awful I felt for her and how much respect I have for her. Not just as a teacher, but as a woman who's about to face something that's already changed her life. I just wonder what's going to happen, and I hope that whatever it is, she never loses hope. But at the same time, I can't help but think about the retarded prick who basically told her there was no hope, and he did it in the meanest way possible. I know I have no right to judge anyone, but I don't understand how someone could have so much hatred in their heart that they could be so cruel. I know he has beef with her, but come on. There's something inside of me that wants to do something. But there's another part of me that says not to because he's going to wish he hadn't said what he did someday. I just hope that it isn't because he or someone in his family gets cancer, or something worse. I hope that it happens after he's had time to think about what he said and how he probably made her feel. I know how I felt, and I know how angry everyone else in class was with him. I guess I'm really upset because I have this idea in my head that people should know better. I'd be so ashamed of myself for even thinking what he said. It was so vile and so hateful that I don't even want to repeat it here on my blog. Not that he would ever read it, but still. So anyway, I just needed to vent.

What's the name of the song??

A friend sent this to me yesterday. I think it would go quite nicely with the current mood in the office for Dennis.

That's funny because when I entered my full first name I was death . When I just entered Nick I was strength :2hands: ....I like the last one a little better

Ok, so I went to the trouble of making this entry and udating it twice whent he score changed. Too bad I forgot to publish it As of right now...... Pittsburgh 37 San Francisco 16 Final!!! Steelers

I really don't know where to begin on this entry. I have something I want to say, but I really don't have any idea HOW to say what's on my mind. Ironically, that's kinda what this entry's about. Expressing myself. I got a really nice PM this morning from someone who read my tagline and got worried. Not the one that says, Check out my new story, If by Chance!! No, the one that said, How Will I Die? I guess that the first line in my signature also worried him. No, not the one that says Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwick. The one that said, No one seems to care about my welfare. It's like my life's already ending. For the record, I've never, ever contemplated suicide. I think that there's always a reason to lift my head from my pillow each day, even when it feels like God is putting me through drama. I know it's only to make me a better Christian and that he's using me for His will. So what was up with the sig and the tag line? Not much, really. I was just looking for a way to express my angst, I think. I almost always use lyrics or quotes in my signature, and last time was no different. I was listening to a CD, and maybe I should have left it alone, because it really started to affect my mood. I was getting depressed, and with what Taylor and I have been going through, it was easy for me to get stuck in a mode and drive around with a dark cloud over me. So I took the CD out today and was looking for something else to listen to, then I decided to raid my parents' CD collection. I found a CD that must be like 30 years old (literally) and put it in by a group called ELO. Anyway, I found a song called Strange Magic and I really really like it a lot. It's making me think about my life and what I'm doing now and the way things were a long time ago and how they arent that way anymore. I barely even talk to my dad anymore and me and Taylor are kinda on again/off again boyfriends. I've thought about seeing someone else but we tried that before and it was hell for both of us. I don't want us to be broken up but right now it's like I don't even know him anymore. All he wants to do is smoke pot and get f**ked up and I hate it. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not perfect, but I'm not spending my life that way. Plus, he's really pissed at me because he says I sicked all of our friends and my dad on him about dropping out of school. I mean, he still can't get over it, as if I was supposed to just respect what he wanted to do. IF it were a decision like quitting football or something, I wouldn't have said a word. But this is way too important, and I don't care if he thinks I'm being a bitch. I don't know if things are ever going to be right between my dad and I. Between the two of us, we seem to have a lot of stored up anger and all we can do is say hurtful thigns to each other. He tells me how rude I am that I don't care about anyone but myself, and he threatens to ground me for not cutting my hair, which seems silly, but for some reason, it hurts coming from my dad. Probably because I know that it isn't about my hair or even about me being "rude." I think it's more or less related to the fact that I work and make sure he gets 220 dollars a month from me for my car payment and my insurance. I really get mad about him doing everything for my cousin and nothing for me. I mean, if he wants me to pay for my own car, I don't mind. I'd rather do that than see him have a lot of bills to pay all by himself. But he should make my cousin do the same thing. That's all I'm pissed about. It's like we're not equal in his eyes. So, I think it's related to that, but I get the feeling that it might be something else. Maybe it's because I'm gay. I've never asked him because I'm terrified of what he'll say. He was my rock when I came out of the closet, and I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there to hold my hand through it all. But there's a little piece of me that worries about him having second thoughts. I think my heart would stop beathing if I ever found out that the reason he's gotten so distant from me is because he finally realizes that I really am gay, and that no matter what, nothing's going to change about that.

Thanks Ieshwar

I drank some Sprite...it seemed to settle my stomach. I like Coke, but I think it has too much of something to drink when I have a stomach ache

Haha...microwave rat burrito?? I guess I should try a kangaroo burrito :ranger: :ranger: :ranger:

You could always replace it with a picture of Luchadors

Thanks Jan...guess that'll teach me a lesson about eating random processed meat products from 7-11