Dannsar

Anyhoo ... some misusages that annoy me ... loose ... is to be unfastened etc lose ... is something not in your possession ... the first does not mean the second story ... is the thing we all write storey ... is the floor of a building ... the first does not mean the second I can never be over the number of times these are misused. So often, they can't be typos. And don't even get me started on apostrophes lol

Interesting ... my usual definition of obstreporous would be slightly aggressive and anti control.

Grrrr. That last paragraph Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Jonas Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Lu Right, so Cia and Q10 both said it before me. The way this was written was just yelling long on story, long on interest, long on fun! Ooooooh, I soooooo can't wait! I get kinda pissed with the bad mother of a father who beats the son up and boots him out. I mean, if it weren't for this trope, Nifty might actually be lacking a raison d' etre, or damn near it, it seems at times. You have an economical way with your narrative. Perhaps not as tight as JC, but pretty damned good. And quite an imaginative streak. I think you might actually be quite dangerous to sleep with Heavens only knows what you might suggest out of that head of yours Now, that last paragraph. Please print it out, take it to the sink and wash the ink off; take it outside jump up and down on it; pick it up and tear it to shreds; set fire to it and blow the ash into the wind. The lying b* duplicitous, two faced, father does not deserve the absolution. Ok, maybe I don't like the whole father trope ... but if you have to have him, then no forgiveness. Sorry. Otherwise, carry on man!

Well, I have to say that about a quarter of the way in I was debating whether to go on. Up till then it was a tad faux mysterious. Somewhat aware of its own existence / significance. However, it really took off after that. I think there is too little writing that explores the side of male sexuality that allows itself to go where it knows it wouldn't normally go. But guys will get their rocks off, and make a lot of compromises to do it, if they think its possible. I liked the contrapoint of beauty and filth. The lavender and the stench. The straight and the raw. I'm not sure I followed Cia's critical paradigm, but I did agree with her point ... i.e. that there were narrative inconsistencies. They drove past his street and the lights went out one by one, then they turned into the next street and went round the block. Hmmm ... The street lights would only go out one by one, so that's unnecessary. They would not actually go out, but be counted down, or disappear one by one. Why would they 'disappear' if there was another street up ahead? Especially if this was a street which was part of a block behind the MOs house. Loose, mr! Waaay too loose! But those are detail comments. The metanarrative was well constructed. And both guys were very sexy, with little more than a circumstantial description. The sex was extremely pleasurable, and yet I dont think we were given a single detail of it. That's the mark of a good storyteller. Lots and lots of reader imagery, with very few words. Excellent.

Sorry to spoil the party, but this was boring beyond belief. Nothing happened. A non night out which had been predicted. A guy who isn't actually safe to be out on his own. There was no tension. No dramatic pre-emption. No twist. No significant plot. No point. Two guys debate going out, go out, have experience predicted, came home. God only knows what sex would have been like if we had actually got there and klutz had not broken his neck tripping over an ant. Probably would have snapped the condom and pinged himself in the eye ... and no, not THAT eye either. That would have been funny.

Right, let me separate two things ... my first comment and all the rest. First. This is a dangerous story. It should not have an everyone rating. It is about an emotionally troubled teenager running away to a foreign country to be with someone he has never met. How many times do kids have to be warned about this, far less adults? There are youngsters on this site, at least some of whom have emotional issues. This is a dangerous and irresponsible story. It needs to resolve that, or show up the issues plainly, or a prologue entry. Othwerwise it needs taking down. Second. I rather liked the sense of empathy you built with the character. I did find myself somewhat confused at times, just like Cia said, but rampant attention deficit is not exactly unusual in unloved, emotionally deprived, or emotionally abused children and young people, so I think we need to live with that. I still don't know who Pat us, though! Structurally, I was rather more led up the garden path than confused ... I felt. This is not a journal entry. Journal entries lay things out as an inner dialogue. This was a reported dialogue. Letters to self are written more as a communication in direct speech. This was what it was - a story written for others. If the having of an open notebook constitutes a letter to self, then it is an insuficciently realised cypher. You have been able to sense the relief of departure, and that little inner dialogue of saying nothing to antagonise the gatekeepers, worked very well to tense me up. I know there can be busybodies on a plane, but your one helped, then interfered with the people who were responsible for you. I didn't believe that. Oh, I have no doubt she saw the sexuality issues, but I very much doubt she was going to give the attendant a flea in the ear. And as for Mike agreeing internally ... well, upon reflection, that might be justifiable, but I think he at least needed to object to some degree. He was on the flight now. She couldn't act as gatekeeper. You also managed to build very warm characteristics for Ian and for Andrew, as much as we saw of them. There are real flaws here, IMHO, but great potential too. This is a story worth telling. Whether it is worth revising or not is another matter. I find that sometimes you just have to put a thing aside and start again, so that you inhabit a different conceptual universe and free yourself from the baggage that is tied up in a particular group of words. I would urge you to do that, because young people ... and grown ups too, actually, ... need to be exposed to this sort of stuff to understand the world better.

Great story. Loved the uncomplicated way it was told. However, I would have liked a thread holding the pieces together. I was very confused by the second one, and a little angry that I was being dragged along with no real knowledge of the intent. Actually, upon reflection, I kinda felt a bit like Sean. But the episodic nature was very good, and, like somebody said below, that removed a pile of stuff that really wasn't necessary. I didn't see the end dare coming, but then, I never was any good at interpretation. It was interesting that you let Mark state the dare, rather Sean. I think that the dare to f**k is mistimed, though. A dare to kiss would have been more believable, more intimate. 'f**k' as a verb between close friends tentatively feeling each other out after an emotional spark, seems somewhat improbable. Still, apart from a lack of a thin thread to tie the episodes together, I loved this. Making two characters that likeable, and one so unlikeable, in such a short space of time is reet clever. Well done. More please.

Hmmmm, I think you've taken a real pile of criticism in this piece. And, if it is indeed meant as a short story, perhaps it might be warranted. However, anthology virgin that I am, I did not read it as a wholly contained piece. It seemed clearly a part work to me, and I read it like that. I can't see the problem with that. An anthology doesn't need to be filled with discrete pieces, and there is no reason why this can't be a good place for an exposition piece. I rarely 'think' about a piece as I am reading, but I was utterly struck by the character attachment you engendered very quickly in the story. I really wanted Etral to overcome. And the 'union' between him and the corgar was really nice. If this wasn't your usual standard of writing, I must go find the rest! The other thing I couldn't help but notice was your lucidity and clarity of writing. I kept looking at the paragraphs thinking that they raised themselves off the white. I felt the air, I saw the colours, I could trace the textures in my finger. If this is bad writing, then you must be the closest writer in the world to writing in 3D. I loved this. As far as I am concerned, this is far and away the best piece of writing in this anthology. And depite the fact that I am a Domaholic, I think this is better writing than his, though the subject matter is not my cup of tea, whereas his is. 10/10

Whasis? New genre of fan fiction?

Great story, well thought out, and with lots of promise. I would really like to see the full length version There are a couple of things that trouble me, though. Somehow or other, I feel your use of language is only about 98%. It is missing a sharpness, a kill, an edge of nasty or pain, a slight cut. Perhaps it's a few words here and there which could invoke a bit more dislike in some of the characterisations. I find all too often in gay fiction, that authors seem to want to construct tense situations, full of tension, but with very little risk of sharp pain in the consequences. Part of the construction of the tension is what the nature of the less or undesired outcome will be. To metaphorise, think of the difference between losing a finger by dropping a ten pound hammer on it, and by cutting it off with a chopper. Entirely different sensation, same outcome. The semantic potential is not the issue here, but the realisation. I am slightly synaesthesic, so this might not make sense ... but the story is too white for me (and I don't mean that as a race colour, just a chromatic colour). My only other criticism is actually something that might be tied up in your plans for the story. The Nick / Trevor coupling should not have happened - IMHO - I think you have installed a set of complicating potentials which are going to play havoc with the tensions in the future. I really think that a frisson of real pain would have been a better promise here. But what the hell do I know! lol .. You've got the story in your head. Now go away and write the damned thing and make no more mention of it till it's finished. I prefer to put unbearable waits out of my head. I'll go nuts waiting for the full length feature on this story, if you pop it out one chapter at a time. I love the two central characters, and I really want to see more of them.

Hmmmm, sorry, but I don't think this one worked. The first half was over descriptive, the sentences were often way too long, and with too many clauses. The sentences which were short and staccato were the ones that created that frisson of aloof disconnect that you semed to want to instil your characters with. I did like the idea of Raven, though. Sex on legs, even sex on the wing. If anything, my advice would be to take the first half and work to a far shorter word limit, and drop the ending. For instance, Raven comes off the runway, rips off his feathers, grabs Alex by the crotch, kisses him hard while moving round him, and drops the feathers distractedly onto the shoulder of a glaring Director, then saunters off, followed by Alex. Someone said, above, that this was not their show. I think that was to miss the point entirely. You clearly constructed the idea that these two men WERE the show. Curiously, the clothes were there to support the character of the men, rather than the other way around. No Director in his right mind would have called Raven on his performance, which you described beautifully. And at any rate, the designer has the say in these things. The director is really only the logistical oiler. Lastly, androgeneity. I don't think it had a place in this story ... the word, that is. It is perfectly articulated in the rest of the piece, and almost comes across as clichè. And it doesn't sit well with either character. It strikes me that they are better humans and better actors than is implied in androgeneity, which always comes across as a sort of obsequious appeal to everybody, ultimately failing in its noticeability, rather than the natural ability to be a human with an expanse of character. I offer these remarks constructively

Like everybody else, I really liked this. It took me a wee bit of time to pick up the point. I think I was too annoyed at the heavy handed metaphor of duality at the beginning. A little less would have been a lot more .. at least I would have been able to concentrate. I do wonder about this love, though. I am afraid I can't take it for granted. I see an awful lot of mixed emotion, turmoil, survivor angst, victim angst, and sheer rage in much of it. I wonder how much you were trying to allude to the kidnapped and held girl story currently in the US (there's one in Germany too I believe atm). Oh, and I don't think there is any maybe about it, either. Raphael will return, though how permanent or episodic that is likely to be, I don't know. Anyhow, a definite worthwhile read, a good poke in the ribs to make me wonder, and a nice poignancy too. Thank you.

Well, I'd kinda agree with u Cyhort. But I think what I was trying to say was that the majority of effort needs to be on education of people coming to the topic. Changing the minds of fanatics is always going to be so slow as to be next to pointless. The only thing that works with them is big stick intervention and thats problematical - and I dont mean physical either! For the others you provide a positive image and imbue the other side with negative riducule and lack of positivity and aspiration. That one grain ofvsand movement is the only way thing really ever happen. Changing the minds of nutjobs? ... well, self defence is the only way, and then you can hit back pretty hard, but positivity otherwise is the order of the day

Idiots of this ilk will never go away, unfortunately. There will always be people who can see nothing but their own opinions and abuse other people to raise themselves into supremacy. Ignoring them wont work. Only reasoned argument will raise the level of awareness of the counter view with people. That and making their views socially unacceptable. It's like changing the balance one grain of sand at a time, you've just got to keep at it methodically.

The one thjng I really really really dont like about it is the + or - buttons. I am on here on an ipad and its a bit more difficult to select something that wee and so close together accurately. I just negged Tim by accident when he was agreeing with me, and there is no option to change your 'vote' when u make that mistake Tim if u wanna post a wee line, I'll try and undo the error. xx Oh, actually, I've just realised, you'll have to post twice for me to get where I wanted it to be. Sheesh!

Ocht, there's little I agree with TetRefine about, but his quotation from Churchill is spot on. Thusly, I am delighted that my anodyne score has returned to 0. It means that I have made some enemies ... and since I havent been nasty, I can be secure in knowing that I must've stood up to someone. If rep meant that much it would be worth worrying about. But since it is an acknowledged flawed system, we just have to derive the best we can from it. I got four negs on the circumcision thread for telling ppl they were arguing different things, not listening to each other and were basically being childish. Wonder who that was? Hmmm, sometimes its better not to know ur enemies.

I canna be faffed with poetry. But for some reason, I think its the lack of pretension, I could read urs all the day long. It just, I dunno ... soothes and calms are the wrong words ... its more that they even out the corrugations of life somehow. Thats the mental feeling I get ... thats syneasthesia for you! But, thank you! xx

An escape to the outside. Quite the opposite of what's expected. And a destination in the earth. It is an extremely evocative piece. Simple, loaded, curious, quiet and calm outside the turbulent. The language is curious in that it conveys so much, yet doesn't crowd the head. Thats a difficult trick to pull off. And that image of a stone wall ... took me back to the farm. I loved this.

Grrrrr ... I just posted a review on dkstories's Dawn of Tears, and clicked on Post instead of Preview by mistake. It now has spelling errors contained in it. It took me bleeding ages to work out how to post the ruddy review in the first place and now I can't see how to add a note apologising for the spelling errors, or how to edit the post. Is there anything I can do, except wait for some Danaholic to come along and mug me for miscalling him Dan Lirk? lol Dannsar :wacko:

'Lo peeps, newbie from Scotland here. Loving the site! Just finished DKs Dawn of Tears :worship: ... what next ... hmmmm

Hey there, I just wanted to say something about The Artists. It was weird! Not necessarily in a bad way, mind, but weird nevertheless. I haven't had the chance to read your other stories yet, and perhaps this broken up style you use is just your way of doing it ... I don't know! The story threads were all interesting, but even for heightened reality they were pretty extreme. What was it about artists and artistic communities that led you to treat this group in this way? It would be interesting to know Personally I liked Six. I could not get to grips with the adult / teen sexual elements. I understand that much of this was about the conflicting confusions in emergent sexuality, and that none of it was underage (as far as I could see), but it did seem a bit more than distasteful. That's not an accusation or a complaint, but I wonder why you chose to go down these paths for more or less normal sexual contact, whereas peer sexual contact was often pretty bizarre. Boygirls, rapes, beatings, deformities, closet cases, denial cases etc etc. There is another thing that I find really strange about young people in gay writing. They are all terribly good at thinking through the elements and hazards of their sexual desires, which seems utterly implausible to me! I mean, what eighteen year old decides he will have sex with another boy not today, perhaps not tomorrow, but he will?! Eighteen years old means knickers down and let me see the meat, never mind the confusions cos there aint any. There is a note about underage sex on Nifty from a twelve year old who roundly condemns much of what is written as unreal, and a lot of this seemed unreal too in this story. Unfortunately it makes the characters seem a little like cyphers ... a substrate upon which a writer can express themselves. And yes, I do realise that that seems like a self contradiction. But it kind of makes it difficult to pay any attention to the overall point when the situations are so hyper real. I don't know how many times I almost abandoned this story on that basis, but I kept slapping myself around the head and telling myself to give the writer the respect of a decent hearing. And it was worth it, overall. But it is just very difficult to see how it all fitted together. The flitting between characters nature of the story may be metaphoric for teenagers hormonal states. It might even be paradigmatic metaphor, but it is difficult to follow. Anyhooo ... it is very well written and the character development is good. It was quite curious to read about a man with a disability who sees people in colours. I am slightly autistic, and a bit synaesthesic with that. My character image of Six is red, Peter green, Kevin blue, Euphorbia yellowy green. It was quite interesting to come across that trope here. Was there a point to it? I loved it! Dannsar

After the debacle that ended the Charles and Diana marriage, and the abyssmal taste unfest of the Duchess of York, you would think that we would have learnt the lesson. Well, actually they have learnt it, just not enough. This was a much more understated affair (the term is relative of course!) but it was still all too much everywhere. The trouble is that they get married where and how they get married, but the media pump it up into a ridiculous piece of media fodder and it gets completely out of proportion when the media'd get into a feeding frenzy. The Royal Family is important to us in the UK in so many understated ways, but the hype needs to be knocked on the head. It's kinda churlish to say you don't care about the royal wedding ... it's always nice to wish a new couple all the best on their joining on life's journey. But, hell's teeth, let's get a bit reasonable about it. I mean ... a national holiday! That's just daft!

Crivvens - I'm 'old' in GaGa terms. I mean, I remember Radio Ga Ga! The Lady version is nothing at all except a good manipulator of the shock value. However, as a virtual clone of Madonna (and I mean that in trope sense) she has absolutely nothing to inspire anybody, and she can't even be a more shocking Madonna to the extent that the original was! Some of the tunes are catchy (I hate to admit I will dance to them, but then I don't know who is who half the time). Nah, hee today, gone tomorrow ... though she might make the next day

I absolutely loved this when I found it on Nifty and was gutted to find it wasn't finished - I like an ending and really only readstories which are finished. When the heck will there be another chapter? I'm gagging for it here! It's a brilliant story, really well written, and good fun.