MikeL

Holy Prostitutes A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER...!

Please excuse the four letter words in the following story. I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them... A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook... I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

OLL RAIGTH! American English sometimes sounds like Gene's video to me. Is this the point where I should remind everyone that English is a Germanic language?

According to an article in today's New York Times, Major League Baseball and Alex Rodriguez are playing hardball and have called in the heavy hitters (attorneys and investigators) in the current arbitration over the punishment Rodriguez may receive for using banned substances. Ambushing and threatening witnesses, offering bribes, buying stolen medical files - even sexual relations - are part of the game. It stinks. Baseball will be better off when both Alex Rodriguez and Bud Selig are no longer part of the game.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ... How soon can I go home?'

Schmetterling? I wonder how "The buttterfly fluttered by" would sound.

I'm with you, Mickey. If you value your privacy at all, stay away from the social networks. Communicate the important things to your real friends. Let the rest of the world guess.

The Pharmacist's Morning... Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me this morning. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side, this morning the alarm failed to go off, I was late getting up, went without breakfast, hurried out to the car, realize I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside, had to break a window to get my keys." "Driving a little too fast, received a speeding ticket, when three blocks from the store, had a flat tire." "When finally arriving at the store, numerous people were waiting for me, opened the store, started waiting on customers, all that time, phone was constantly ringing." "Had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, they scattered all over the floor, got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing, I finally got back to answer it, it was your wife, she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Why men die first...

You are well read, James.

Happy Birfday, Wacee!

Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired... Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear." "Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder." Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up late in the morning so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.' 'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

This Beard Came Here to Party