MikeL

CNN commentators are all twits, too.

A Primer: Understanding Derivatives Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit . By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral! At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. The bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses. One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs. Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers. Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar. Now do you understand?

Who is this?

That's Torii Hunter flipping over the wall into the Red Sox bullpen after trying to catch David Ortiz' grand slam homer. Red Sox came from behind (5 - 1) to win 6 - 5. I like the reaction of the bearded Boston cop. Hunter landed on his back, but was OK. Here's the action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=jPxNJItbrqY http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=9FRvaMpgtvE

Chiune Sugihara?

Now who's sick? Apology accepted.

How about a few more clues?

Sorry. I happen to agree...not that I'm sick, but that the puppy thing was.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? "Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken"

Cool!

Greatest Card Trick Ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Uh0CMcLiRkw

Posting error...see below.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!" Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

There are crazies out there who don't want you to have pistols...really scary. It's better that you face a murderer empty-handed.

Teacher: What kind of wife do you like Johnny? Johnny: I want a wife like the moon. Teacher: Wow what a choice!. Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like moon? Johnny: No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.

The six phases of life...

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ," worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.) It is always the right temperature. 4.) It is inexpensive. 5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7) It comes in 2 attractive containers. He got an A.

Happy Birthday, Pavel!

Hi.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour," states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "! That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly. WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

Steve, I would be the last person who should give advice in this area. I couldn't resist offering my congratulations to you and Jim. I wish you all the best. Love Princess Bride. Mike

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down. He rushes to the rectory to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor." "Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then, for some reason, flipped it over so that the butter was on top.” “No, Father, I dropped it, and it landed like that.” “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop and have him send people round to interview you, take photos, etc.” An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads: "It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle for it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."

Woman A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... No wait.... Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.

Don't wait long. You will lose your following.