Mikiesboy

Sounds ripe. Hopefully, no permanent lung damage from the fumes. LOL.

Thanks for your comments.

Maybe they do need to boost their ego, or maybe i did something to hurt them. What bothers me is there's no talk, no questions, just a decision on their part. But those choices were an opportunity for me to learn, because i've been guilty of the same. Online is hard, but now i ask questions, to make sure i'm not just assuming. You've always been there for me and i'm grateful for your love and support. xoxo

This .. this is what stops me to be honest. i don't want to hurt anyone.

Thanks, Wayne. There's no fix ... but i hope we can find the right meds and i know i need to do my part as well. And changing takes practice. i may quit for a short time, but i cant give up.

You're right. Misunderstandings make me sad. i don't like leaving things unfinished but if both people don't want that ... You're right. i love You, too.

Thanks, AC.

***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time. So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time. There's a lot of sadness here for me. Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong. But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness. i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way. Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on. Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me. The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything. A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months. You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away. i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind? Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices? i don't think it would be painless for them. My Husband would be wounded most of all. My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?" It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die. He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside. Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions. i've been doing a bit better. A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months. i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about. Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret. There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you. let them

i don't like to travel really. But i'd like to go to Newfoundland. i'd like to see the puffin reserve i wrote about in Changes Again and i'd like to see Mistaken Point, which is a UNESCO World Heritage site. It has some amazing fossils there.

We get some really nice fresh stuff. Some of it may be oddly shaped but wow, it's so good. I've been in our local grocery and asked to pay for cauliflower full of black patches. We've never received anything like that from Food Fund. It's good you're doing that, chris. The amount of good usable food that is plowed under is a sin. We have enough food to feed everyone, if we'd only use it. And an off white cauliflower tastes just as good as a bone white one. Ridiculous!

That's brilliant. Congratulations.

I do as little exercise as i can get away with. i'm lazy.. luckily naturally slim and not a big eater However, i do suffer from bad joints and mental health issues. Recently, my shrink, after getting me through a very bad patch, gave me some instructions to walk for 15 min one day and on the alternate days ride a stationary bike or just do some kind of movement for 20 minutes. i have been doing both. Michael makes sure of that. It does help. i think i'm a bit more upbeat. I will never work out like you do, Wayne but there are benefits to moving and also being outside.

when you come back, there is a lot of debris ... been there myself recently ... Michael has stepped up to help me and for once i've not fought Him. it's made a huge difference to me .. hang in there, Wolfie. xo

Thanks, Wolfie. Silence in our world can sometimes be elusive. If i get up early enough i can usually find some. Hugs to you too xo

hugs back, Lux. Thanks for reading and your comments. xo

i understand that. looking inward or looking at the past isn't always good. Thank you for reading. xo

Thank you for your constant love and friendship. Thinking isn't always good, as you know yourself. xoxo

Thanks dugh. i keep making new cuts ... been struggling lately... however, on new meds again.. and following the doc's advice about exercise and things.

Thanks, jeffrey. Silence is a rare thing for me, living where i do. I do so love it though. Thanks for reading. xo

Thanks, chris. The second is dark and better not to think about that overly much. I hope you're feeling better.

Thanks for your encouragement. Watch out thinking about the 2nd... you know where my mind has been .. not a good place to visit.

Thanks Parker. You're very kind. i know i am remiss in reading your work ... you deserve better and i'm sorry i can't be more right now.

Thanks, Reader. xoox

1. I’ve forgotten what peace there is in silence Like a warm hand on your shoulder Gentle and solid Awaiting your attention with the patience of stone *** 2. You can look inside yourself too much until your light is enveloped by dark While you weep in self-inflicted pain and peace surrenders to turmoil Blinkered gaze focuses on the soul’s fragmented imperfections, and you sit cross legged to pic

i'm so glad you are okay. xoxo