Like a Train Wreck - 3. Chapter 3: Blackmail

December 2007

Miracle sat within Sterling's bed room, sitting on the large window sill and he looked over to Sterling who sat on the bed. Sterling's room was one that surprised Miracle. He didn't have any posters of the latest band or anything like that but he had all kinds of cool neon lights that glowed within the room, a few lava lamps and a large fifty five gallon aquarium filled with a lot of small tropical fish.

"I'm sorry. I know I haven't spent a lot of time with you lately. I just...Brad makes me so happy."

Miracle wanted to believe that and he tried to believe it, even going as far as wrapping himself up in the whole delusion that things were going to be perfect. He felt guilty about it because in doing so, he'd started to see Sterling less than usual.

Sterling looked at Miracle and sighed, shaking his head. "It's fine; at least they don't bother me anymore."

Sterling tried to see the bright side of the whole thing but really he hated it. He hated seeing Miracle, his Miracle with a jerk like Brad. He knew Miracle didn't belong to him but the boy had come into his life, he had befriended him and as time wore on, he grew protective over his friend. Sterling was slowly changing, becoming more confident, a little bolder, all for the sake of protecting Miracle whenever he needed it.

"I know! It's awesome! Brad is so sweet. Oh! And guess what? He wants me to be the water boy so that we can be together when he goes to football practice!"

"Have you even really thought of any of this?"

Miracle's smile slowly faded, a look of confusion taking over. "What are you talking about?" he frowned, discouraged by such a pessimistic but reasonable question.

"Come on...we're talking about Brad here. Are you two even public?"

"Well...no." Miracle looked down, shaking his head. "He just...well he just isn't ready yet."

Miracle was in denial. He was so sick and tired of the pattern continuing, of things always turning out the same. He hated it so much that he went out of his way to convince himself that things would be different this time, that Brad would be different. Despite the fact that Brad didn't treat him like a person that he cared for.

"That or you're just his dirty little secret."

Sterling believed that to be the truth and he wasn't afraid to tell Miracle such a thing. Though partially he was hoping that Miracle would forget about Brad, for the sake of his friend and for the sake of himself. He knew it was at least half selfish but he couldn't help how he felt for Miracle.

"You don't know what you're talking about. You don't even know Brad." He pushed himself to stand up.

"Have you even thought about what it's like to be in his shoes? He's the captain of the football team. He gets noticed a lot more than either of us do. Him being open? It holds far more consequences for him." Miracle spoke in Brad's defense.

"I just have a bad feeling about this. You're my friend, I want to protect you."

Miracle reached into his pocket and grabbed a cigarette, placing it between his lips. He lit it up and took a drag, tossing his lighter on Sterling's dresser.

"Look, he's even nice enough to buy me cigarettes too."

"Miracle..."

He sighed and moved over to the bed to sit beside Sterling. "Look, I really appreciate it but I don't need to be protected."

"You do." Sterling looked at him with such a worried expression.

For a moment, there was a look of doubt on Miracle's face. As if somewhere deep down he knew that everything Sterling said could possibly be true. He didn't want to admit it though; he didn't want to ruin what could possibly be a good thing. He looked up at Sterling and in that moment, Miracle looked as if he could just burst into tears.

The truth of it was, he had felt like shit for the last couple of months. Brad had been so sweet at first but over time he went back to his old ways, all they ever did when they were together was have sex.

He reached up and pulled Sterling's glasses off of his face, laying them to the side before a hand moved up to lightly run through his messy brown hair and a small smile appeared.

"You know...those glasses are hiding the handsome guy beneath them."

Sterling looked down and smiled, his cheeks reddening at the bold compliment.

"Come here, give me a hug." Miracle laid his cigarette in the ash tray that he had sat on the bed earlier and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Sterling's neck.

Sterling wrapped his arms around Miracle's smaller form and he closed his eyes. Burying his face in Miracle's neck, taking in his scent. Over the past few months, Sterling had realized that he liked Miracle as more than a friend. He just didn't know how to tell him, especially with Brad in the picture.

Miracle held onto Sterling and found himself not wanting to let go. He liked Sterling a lot and sometimes he thought about what it would be like to be with him. So why didn't Miracle be with Sterling? Part of him felt that Sterling was too good for him, Miracle didn't want to ruin such a great guy. He didn't want to hurt him. In a way he was just as protective of Sterling as the latter was of him. The difference, well, Miracle was trying to protect Sterling from himself.

He closed his eyes and swallowed, feeling that urge to cry growing stronger. After a few moments he pulled away and put on a smile.

"I got to go, my parents will want me home for dinner." Really he was supposed to be meeting Brad.

Sterling looked at Miracle and he could see right through that staged smile. In that moment he looked so helpless, all he wanted to do was to help Miracle, to save him. He just didn't know how.

How can a person be saved when they don't admit to having a problem?

"Okay... well what about the assignment?" Sterling asked, looking down at the papers that sat on the bed.

"I'll come over tomorrow and we'll start on it then, I promise." He leaned forward, placing a kiss to Sterling's forehead.

Miracle grabbed his cigarette and quickly stood up as he placed it between his lips. He turned around and headed out of Sterling's room and left the apartment. He moved out into the hall way. Smoking that cigarette as he made his way towards the elevator, Sterling's words replaying in his mind. By the time he reached the elevator he leaned against the wall, throwing the cigarette down as his hands moved up to cover his face.

No, everything that Sterling said just wasn't true. This was not going to be like the other times.

Brad fucking loved him.

He had to believe that, despite the fact that Brad acts as if he doesn't even exist in public.

He had to believe that despite the fact that Brad parades his girlfriend around.

He had to believe that because...he couldn't bear to have his heart broken again.

He couldn't handle it if it happened again.

Miracle looked down, watching the cigarette as it slowly burnt a hole in the carpet of the hall way, watching as the fabric turned black and began to roll backwards on itself. Then those eyes watched the cigarette as the white paper slowly burned before looking up to watch the smoke rise into the air. A hand lifted to wipe at his eyes as they began to water and he turned around, pressing the button to the elevator.

He knew everything that Sterling said was the truth and he couldn't stand it. The thought of Brad using him hurt and in a way he felt the need to dive even deeper into it, as a form of self destruction. Happiness was a release for him but sometimes he felt that hurting himself with another was better than just existing alone.

Sterling pushed himself up from the bed and moved towards the window, seeing Brad's car pull up in front of the building, watching Miracle as he went outside and climbed into the car. He frowned and slowly shook his head, reaching up to pull the blinds down.

He wasn't furious with Miracle for telling such a lie. He was a little upset. Miracle had never lied to him before as far as he knew. Sterling was just worried and sometimes he resented Miracle for that. He didn't understand why Miracle kept doing things that would worry him.

"How did you know I would be here?" Miracle asked, pulling his seat belt on.

"Well you weren't at home and... you only have one friend." Brad grinned, looking over at Miracle. "I didn't want you to have to walk the streets."

"Oh... well okay." He leaned back in the seat, shifting around to get comfortable.

"You know... you should really ditch him. He's holding you back from your full potential." Brad started driving.

"My full potential? Meaning..?" He looked at Brad, those eyebrows lifting.

"See? That's exactly what I mean. You don't even know your own potential."

"Why don't you explain it to me then? Since you know so much."

Brad looked over at Miracle. "What's with the attitude?"

"Nothing." his eyes widened, shoulders lifting in a shrug. "I just don't see myself having any potential in anything."

Brad grinned, shaking his head as he looked out at the street. "Oh you have potential...trust me."

Miracle stared at Brad for several long moments with a look of disgust on his face. That last comment and the way it was spoken told Miracle what exactly Brad had meant. He hated being with Brad but at the same time he loved it. He hated how Brad treated him but then he loved the fact that Brad was there, being hateful or not, having Brad there meant he wasn't alone. At least when they had sex he could pretend that Brad really loved him.

Miracle looked up and out the window as they pulled into some dark and shady alley, seeing some drug dealers and some thugs roaming about.

"Why are we pulling in this dark and dangerous alley, Brad? Neither one of us will have any potential if we both get shot up."

"Because... I want to show you how much potential you have." Brad grinned, turning the car off as he inched closer to Miracle.

"In a car, in an alleyway and with drug dealers roaming around? Seriously?" He looked at Brad.

"So? Who cares? Let them see, I don't care."

"Yeah and what if one of these guys deals to your girlfriend? Then what?"

"Sarah isn't into drugs." Brad reached out for Miracle's chin.

Miracle reached up and swatted Brad's hand away. "I'm sure she's not into finding out her boyfriend is having an affair, with a guy."

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"It means I'm not in the mood, Brad. It means that if you don't start treating me better I'm going to go and tell her, Brad. Is that simple enough for you...Brad?"

"You wouldn't." Brad shook his head, a small laugh escaping. "Why would she believe you anyway?"

"Because... I accidently left my webcam recording, Brad." He unfastened his seat belt and reached over to open the door.

Brad's smile faded and his eyes narrowed at Miracle as he reached over to grab his shoulder. "You won't fucking do it...the consequences would be too bad."

Miracle's head jerked around to look over at Brad with a glare of anger. "Try me."

He jerked away from Brad and pushed the door open, climbing out of the car. He was unwilling to let go of Brad but he couldn't take the horrible treatment anymore. Brad had pushed things way to far this time.

So what else could he have done to get Brad to be the good and perfect boyfriend? He felt the need to blackmail him. Miracle hated having to go this far, he wished Brad could just be a good guy. However at times like this, the desperation drove him too far.

"You fucking whore!" Brad screamed at him.

Miracle slammed the door shut and listened to the loud screech of tires as Brad furiously pulled out of the alleyway and took off. He watched Brad's car as it drove off and faded in the distance. Great, now he was in an alleyway, with drug dealers and he was all alone. Taking a deep breath, he wrapped his arms around himself, he shivered in the cold night air as he looked around, hoping that karma didn't plan on really biting him in the ass for what he had just done.

You fucking whore.

His eyes watered up as he slowly moved from the alley and out onto the side walk. That hurt, it hurt a lot. It was like a rusty knife that had stabbed him right in the heart. What hurt about it the most was the fact that Miracle knew it was true. He was a whore, regardless of the reasons he used to justify it. Sure he wanted to be loved and he slept with people hoping one of them would fall in love with him. That didn't change the fact that he still slept with everyone and anyone who was willing.

Thankfully he had managed to make it home without any sort of incident. Pushing open the door to his house, he walked in, looking over to see his parents and his brother in the kitchen playing monopoly. He stared at the sight with a look of longing, wishing that things could be simple like that again. Wishing that he could just sit down and play a friendly game with his family, without worries and problems on his mind.

They hadn't even noticed that he walked in. Shaking his head in dejection, he moved through the living room and into the hall way to his room. His parents never paid him much attention. Hell even when they found out what he did at his previous school they never put forth any effort. All they had told him was to never do it again and that was the end of it. It had been like this for so long that Miracle was starting to not even care.

He did care, deep inside he wanted to be close to his family, he wanted to be cared for and loved and protected by them. If he couldn't depend on his parents and if he couldn't depend on the rest of the world then who was it that he could depend on?

All he had was Hunter and Sterling. They were all he had in the whole world, the only ones that seemed to care. He cherished both of them and loved them both, he didn't know what he would do without either of them.

He pushed the door open and walked inside, shutting the door. Glancing towards the bed, his eyes trailed across the room to the computer. His room was pretty bland, nothing great or shocking. There was a bed, night stand, dresser and the computer desk with the computer.

A few posters of shirtless guys and poems that he wrote, hanging on the walls. The poems weren't enough to give away any of his secrets, they were love poems, his expression of what he wished he had. Nothing more and nothing less and each poem was always pinned to the edges of the posters. His more personal items were always kept hidden away where ever he could hide them within the room.

He moved over and sat in the computer chair, giving the mouse a little shake to wake the computer from sleep mode.

Once the windows pulled up he moved into his video files and reached over to turn the volume down. The file was opened and sure enough there it was, Brad in bed with Miracle. Those eyes narrowed at the sight and he frowned, his head lowering to look at the floor. Why did he do this to himself? Why did he allow any of this? Those were questions that often played in his mind.

The simple answer? It was pure desperation. He was desperate to be loved, even if he had to blackmail someone into it. This was something that Miracle was starting to realize and he wasn't happy at all about it. He knew that he wasn't normal but yet he just kept on doing these things and he wanted to stop. He wanted to be normal but he just didn't know how. He didn't know how to fill that emptiness that he felt within his being.

He looked up, grabbing a black floppy disk and sticking it into the computer he copied the video file onto it. Once that was done he pulled the floppy out and grabbed a white sticky label and stuck it onto the disk, grabbing a marker he wrote on it.

The Blackmail.

Number 2.

Once done, he capped the pen and looked down at his hands. He angrily threw it at the computer screen. The pen bounced off the screen and landed on the desk, he laid the floppy disk beside the pen. He leaned back in his computer chair, his eyes narrowed in anger and planted his foot on the edge of the desk.

"Miracle?" Hunter called out as he cracked the door open.

Miracle looked up and quickly grabbed the mouse, minimizing the video.

"Can I come in?" Hunter asked, sticking his head inside the door.

"Sure." Miracle looked towards the door.

Hunter pushed the door open enough to walk in and he turned around to close the door just as Miracle stood up to move over to the bed. Miracle sat down on the edge of the bed and lifted his shoulders in a shrug.

"What is it?" He asked, looking at Hunter.

"I just wanted to come see you, is all. You've become a stranger, you know?" Hunter moved to sit on the bed beside Miracle.

Miracle looked down and nodded. "Yeah...I'm sorry."

"What’s going on?"

Miracle gave a shake of his head and looked up at Hunter. "Could you just...hold me? Until I fall asleep? I don't...I don't want to be alone."

Hunter, puzzled, gave a nod. "Sure…Yeah."

Miracle nodded and reached down to remove his shoes, tossing them to the side before he shifted around to remove his jeans. He looked up to see Hunter stood up to take his shoes off. Miracle climbed beneath the covers and he curled up on his side. Hunter crawled over Miracle to lie beside him, wrapping an arm around him as he settled down.

"Do you remember that night? When we were kids and the car broke down?" Miracle asked.

Hunter smiled. "Yeah, Mom and Dad were so upset."

"Because it was dark and pouring rain." Miracle looked down.

"And I took you out into the field when the tow truck got there."

"You did...and you held my hand." He reached down, taking Hunters hand. "And we danced together, just the two of us, out in the rain."

"Leave it to us to have fun in that kind of situation." Hunter chuckled softly.

"Our parents were so upset when they didn't know where we were. We didn't go far though, just a little ways out into the field. I remember that night...I felt so safe."

Miracle lay there, feeling as safe as he did that night that they had talked about. His problems just seemed to fade away as he thought of that night that was so special to him. It was the night that he felt like he truly connected with Hunter. They had been close ever since.

Hunter stared at Miracle, leaning up on his elbow, seeing that Miracle had drifted off to sleep. Taking a deep breath, he reached up, gently running his fingers through Miracle's hair. Something was horribly wrong; Hunter knew it now more than ever. It was like his little brother was just falling to pieces inside. He couldn't stand to see it anymore. Seeing Miracle like that, it broke his heart.

After a few moments Hunter carefully and gently moved away from Miracle and out of the bed. It was when he looked around the room, the floppy disk on the computer desk caught his attention and he moved over, picking it up and reading what was written on the label.

His face contorted in confusion as he laid the floppy disk back where it had been left and he looked up at the computer screen, seeing a minimized window. He glanced over his shoulder at Miracle before he eased into the computer chair and pulled up the video. He clicked play and leaned back, watching the video.

It only took a few moments to realize what the video was before he looked away in disgust. Not because it was two guys having sex but because Miracle was giving himself away to a creep like that. He stopped the video and minimized it before he shifted around, noticing a shoe box sticking out from beneath the bed.

He lowered from the computer chair and onto his knees, reaching out to grab the shoe box. He pulled it close and took the lid off, sitting that to the side and he went through the contents of the box. There were several things in there, a few pictures of Miracle with different guys, some his age, some older and at various different locations.

There were also a few dirty pictures of his little brother in there and various letters. Hunter's face contorted into a look of confusion and pain as he studied these little pieces of Miracle's life. He put all the pictures and the letters back into the box and grabbed the video tape that was inside of it. He looked at the label on the video tape.

The Blackmail

Number 1

He looked up at Miracle and put the lid back on the shoe box and shoved it under the bed. Hunter would stand up, the video tape still in his hand and he moved over and out of Miracle's room, closing the door behind him. Hunter headed down the hall and into his room, closing the door and putting the tape into his VCR.

The volume to the television turned low, he moved to his bed, sitting on the edge of it and he grabbed the remote, pushing the play button. And there it was Miracle and his teacher from Australia, having sex. Hunter's eyes squinted and then he pushed the fast forward button. After several minutes he pushed the play button.

"You don't love me?! I thought...I thought you loved me!" Miracle screamed hysterically at the man.

"I don't love you. How could I love you?"

"How could you love me? It's not that difficult, Daniel!"

"You don't understand. You've completely blown everything out of proportion."

"Like hell I have!" Miracle reached up and slapped Daniel across the face.

"You little fucking shit!" Daniel charged forward, shoving Miracle and then he punched him in the face.

Miracle fell down, nearly hitting his head on the edge of the bed. His face turned away due to the punch that had been delivered. His hand moved to his face as his head shifted around to look at Daniel.

"You'll be sorry you did that."

"Get out of my house!" Daniel pointed towards the bed room door.

Miracle pushed himself to stand up, shaking his head. "Or what? You'll hit me again?"

Daniel raised a fist. "Get... out."

"You're going to love me because if you don't, I'll tell everyone what you did!"

"No one will believe you."

"We'll see about that." Miracle then reached for the camera.

Hunter watched as the camera aimed at the floor and rapidly moved and danced about, the sound of a door being slammed before the screen filled with white snowy static. Hunter realized now that the teacher had lied about sleeping with Miracle. Now he wondered why his brother hadn't used the evidence against him.

Hunter sighed and grabbed the remote, turning the VCR and the television off. He lay back in bed and stared up at the ceiling, slowly shaking his head. Now he knew more than what he did before but still he didn't know everything. After seeing that tape, he wondered if he wanted to know any more about Miracle's life. Just knowing what he knew and seeing what he had been seeing hurt him enough. He didn't care though, he didn't care how much Miracle's life hurt him, and he would do anything to protect him. Not even noting the steady stream of tears escaping his eyes, he closed his eyes and shortly after he fell asleep.