Like a Train Wreck - 4. Chapter 4: The Rose

Miracle lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Another day, and from what he could see out the window, it was a cloudy one. He didn't want to get up; he didn't want to go back to school. He felt tired, he felt so mentally and emotionally drained. For one day he just wanted to forget everything.

Lifting his right hand, he swiped it across his face and took a deep breath. Rolling his head to look at the alarm clock which was supposed to ring in another three minutes, he reached over with a hand, and yanked the plug from the wall. He looked up at the ceiling again.

"Why me?"

A knock at the window interrupted his thoughts He lay there, trying to ignore it because he didn't want to get up, he didn't even know who it was and right now he really didn't care. Maybe he was bipolar? He felt like he was going through a depression cycle.He ignored the knock several times before he blew out a deep breath in frustration. He pushed himself to sit up and climbed out of the bed, moving over to the window to find Brad standing there.

"Open up? Please?" Brad called through the window.

He really didn't want to. Brad was the last person he wanted to see today. His problem had practically just walked over and knocked on his window. Miracle reached down and opened the window.

"What do you want? I really feel like crap today." He turned around, walking away from the window.

Brad climbed Brad climbed in. "I wanted to see you."

"After last night?" Miracle turned around to look at him. Surprised, yet a bit skeptical.

"I wanted to apologize...I know I've been a real jerk lately."

"Are you saying that because you mean it or is it because..."

"Because I mean it." Brad interrupted.

Miracle thought it over and was struggling with a decision. To forgive or not to forgive? Part of him wanted to just tell Brad to leave because he felt that was what a normal person would do. However, he just couldn't stay angry with a guy who'd taken the effort to come over and apologize.

"I just..." Miracle walked over and looked up at Brad. "I need you to understand that...I'm a human being. I have feelings, Brad. I'm a real person, living, breathing, bleeding..." He shook his head.

"I know..."

Miracle interrupted him. "Please...just let me finish, okay?"

Brad nodded and moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I'm not an object, Brad. I'm a person...a person that has a problem." Miracle moved over to sit beside him. "A person that...wants to be anything but what I am."

"What are you?"

Miracle stared at him, his face tensing up as a trail of tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. There were so many emotions, so many things that he felt. So many feelings that he just wanted to go away. He had always wondered why no one would ever love him. That was a question he had held onto for so long, and it still hadn't been answered. He was tired of people seeing him as this object, an object that they could use for their own personal pleasure and happiness.

He also felt completely alienated. No one even noticed him if he wasn't offering them a good time or doing something of a very suggestive nature. Sterling was the only one that seemed to see him as a person. But could he really even trust Sterling?

All he wanted at this moment was for Brad to understand, for Brad to change, for everything to get better.

"I...I don't know what I am, Brad. All I know is what I want to be."

"What do you want to be?" Brad wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

Miracle leaned against Brad and looked up at him. "I want to be normal. Whatever normal is...that’s what I want to be."

Brad leaned forward and placed a kiss to his forehead. "What can I do to help?" He said, knowing that he wasn't here to help. He had another agenda.

Miracle’s eyes closed as he felt lips against his forehead. He looked up so that he could look directly into Brad's eyes. "Be like you are right now..."

Brad nodded. He grasped Miracle's chin and placed a loving kiss to Miracle’s lips. "Everything is going to be okay, I promise." His other hand soothingly rubbed the back of Miracle's head.

Miracle wanted to cry so badly at that moment. However, now it was for different reasons. Now he felt nothing but happiness and relief. He felt like everything was going to start looking up. He believed Brad when he said everything was going to be okay.

A smile slowly appeared on his face, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sniffled. "Thank you...this means the world to me."

Brad stared at Miracle and nodded. "I love you."

Those words? They meant more to Miracle than Brad probably realized. He had been with quite a few guys in the last couple of years but none had ever said those three sweet words to him. It made his hopes rise higher and higher.

"Miracle! It's time for breakfast!" Martha called out from the kitchen.

"Oh crap." Miracle looked towards the door and he laughed softly. "I should go grab breakfast, but I'll see you at school, okay?"

"It's a date." Brad smiled and stood up.

Miracle rushed to the door, but stopped short "Oh...and Brad?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too." Miracle smiled and headed out of the bedroom.

Laughter! It was a stranger to him, but ... it felt so good to laugh. It felt good to laugh, and to love, and to be happy. Those moments were what he cherished; those moments were never taken for granted by Miracle. He hoped there would be more moments like that in the future.

After a quick breakfast, he saw the bus pull up at his driveway from the window. He grabbed his book bag from the floor by the door and headed outside. His shoes clapped against the ground as he ran to the bus, and before he knew it he had pounced into the seat next to Sterling.

"My friend! I adore you!" Miracle smiled, wrapping Sterling up in a hug.

Sterling laughed as he looked at Miracle. "For what?"

"For helping to make me feel totally depressed. It made this morning so much sweeter!"

Sterling's eyebrows lifted. "What? Miracle...I...I didn't mean to depress you."

"No! It's a good thing. Trust me." He laughed.

Sterling grew quiet and turned his gaze out the window. "Speaking of trust...I saw Brad outside last night."

Miracle sighed. "I'm sorry...I just didn't want to worry you. I mean you got all worried and protective last night. I just wanted to look out for you."

He meant that too. Sterling meant a lot to him. Sterling was the first friend he had made since moving, the one that stuck by him, the one that talked to him and gave him a place of comfort when he needed it.

Sterling looked at Miracle with a thoughtful expression. He wanted to stay mad at his friend. Part of him wanted to just cut ties with the boy. Sterling couldn't stand wanting to be with someone he couldn't have. He wasn't sure why, but he just found himself not being able to let go, or even push him away.

"Please...forgive me?" Miracle gave him puppy dog eyes accompanied by a small smile.

"I couldn't stay mad at you forever." Sterling smiled. Eyes were one thing he couldn't’t resist.

Miracle sat back and his smile grew. "I was starting to think you were right about Brad. He really hasn't treated me the best in the world lately. We had an argument last night, but he came over this morning and knocked on my window. He apologized for everything, and here's the best part...he told me he loved me."

Sterling was much less enthusiastic. "Well...that’s great." He looked out the window again, biting down on his bottom lip . The news may have been good for Miracle, but for Sterling? It meant his chances were getting smaller.

Miracle's smile faded a little at Sterling's reaction. He knew Sterling had been interested. Though he cared about Sterling, he couldn't’t help but wonder what exactly it was He wanted. Guys like him, the unpopular ones; would do anything to get laid. At least that's how it always was in the movies. Miracle took movies way to seriously.

They arrived at school and headed in, keeping check not to lose each other in the crowd. Soon they were turning the combination dials on their lockers, which were situated next to each other.

"We need a topic for the assignment." Sterling said, opening his locker and organizing his books.

"How about redemption through love?" He grinned. "That sounds like an awesome topic."

"I've never been redeemed through love. How can I write about something I don't know about?"

"Well I can tell you all about it, I'm getting redeemed through love." Miracle smiled, pulling out a rose that had been placed in his locker. Although he was surprised, he had given Brad his combination hoping to be surprised.

"You're a love sick puppy, you know that?"

Miracle looked over to see Brad hanging out in the hall with a few of his friends. He smiled at him. One of the biggest smiles he could possibly have. Brad glanced over and returned the smile, before his friends caught his attention again.

"See? Isn't he great? He even took the time to cut the thorns off." Miracle smiled at Sterling and put the rose back in his locker.

Brad gave a nod to Kevin, his best friend, who walked off. He glanced over at Miracle before grinning to his friend, Kyler.

"You see that one? You could lose your virginity in five minutes with him." Brad chuckled.

Kyler looked at Brad as if he was crazy. "What? Brad, have you lost your mind or something? What about Sarah?"

"All you have to do is let him know you're interested in the least little bit. It's a piece of cake. Look I'm not gay or anything, none of us are. It's just a few guys having fun. We don't tell anyone else about it. Only our little circle knows."

"So I'm crazy because I have values and want to wait for the right one?" Kyler chuckled.

"Right. You want to wait till some complicated girl comes along. Sarah is complicated. He's completely easy. Just say the right thing, do the right thing. He never complains at all hardly."

"Yeah...okay. I'll be sure to keep that in mind." Kyler chuckled sarcastically and shook his head.

Kyler completely disagreed with Brad about everything he had said. He sometimes wondered why he was friends with him. All he knew was that he tried to be the voice of reason. After Brad walked off Kyler’s eyes trailed over to Miracle again, more out of curiosity than anything. He watched Miracle move down the hall with Sterling as they headed towards class as the bell rang.

Miracle could hear the English teacher’s voice but he wasn't really paying attention. Instead he drew random lines across a page of his notebook with a pencil. He didn't want to be there. He didn't like having to just sit somewhere for long periods of time. Sure, he could actually listen and learn, but nothing about school interested him in any particular way. At least, it hadn't before, and it still didn't now. He actually thought it was funny when he got a bad grade!

That was one of the oddities Sterling had noticed about Miracle. He glanced over at his friend, then eyed the random lines he was drawing. Sterling half expected to see him drawing hearts and putting his name in the middle along with Brad's. He was starting to realize he was jealous of Brad and Miracle, and the fact they were together.

"Look, Sterling." Miracle grinned and held up his test paper after it had been laid on his desk. "I got another F." He laughed, earning himself a few odd stares from others around them.

"Why do you think it's funny?" Sterling finally asked.

Miracle’s eyes widened a bit and he shrugged. "I don't know. I just...do." His head tilted to the side. "Every time I see a bad grade I just get this sudden urge to laugh at it."

As wrong as Sterling knew it was, the oddity of the whole thing made him want to laugh every time it happened, just because it was so strange.

"Besides...it's so easy to turn F's into A's." Miracle grinned, devilishly.

"Well I would highly suggest you stop laughing at it and start fixing it." The English teacher interrupted, as he sat at his desk.

Talk about the sudden urge to laugh. Miracle's hand quickly moved to his mouth as his stomach tensed up. It took everything in him to keep from bursting into more laughter. He leaned forward a bit and a few breathy chuckles escaped.

Miracle had been completely honest when he said he didn't know why he found it funny. He really didn't. That was one of the many things that he really didn't know about himself. It was just an urge that came every time he got a bad grade. He was sure there was a real reason for it, somewhere deep in his mind, some where he couldn't reach.

When Miracle and Sterling emerged into the hallway after class, the laughter he had contained escaped Miracle's mouth.

"I would highly suggest you stop laughing at it and start fixing it." Miracle mocked the teacher’s deep voice, and more laughter followed.

"He only cares and wants you to do well." Sterling said.

"Oh please...would he care if he weren't being paid to care?" Miracle looked at Sterling, genuinely curious.

That was a concept Sterling really had to think about. He had always been one to believe teachers really did care. Now that Miracle brought it up, it did make him wonder whether the money had anything to do with it or not.

"I don't know...maybe. Every person is different. I wouldn't make those kinds of assumptions." Sterling said.

Miracle shook his head. "Well you know what, I feel like being really...really...really bad tonight." He grinned, his face leaning in close to Sterling.

Sterling’s eyebrows lifted. "What do you mean?"

"I mean...tonight I am taking you out to a club somewhere. We need to push the limits, break past the comfort zones." Sterling marveled at Miracle and his odd urges. Going from laughing at his grades to suddenly wanting to party.

"What about Brad? Won't he get mad?" Sterling rolled his eyes, not really caring about how Brad felt.

"My god, Sterling...I wanted to go drinking and dancing, not find someone to sleep with." He was truly offended by what Sterling had said. Did his best and only friend really think that he couldn't go out to a club without hooking up with someone? He sighed and shook his head."I really wish you hadn't said that."

Sterling frowned and looked towards the floor as they walked. He hadn't meant it like that at all. At least he didn't think he did, but as time wore on he resented Miracle and Brad's screwed up relationship more and more.

"Miracle, I didn't mean it like that. I wouldn't say something bad like that about you."

Miracle looked at Sterling with a frown, clearly upset, "Really? What did you mean then?"

"I just meant that...I think Brad would be the really possessive type. You know the kind that you have to ask permission to do something."

"Don't worry about Brad. I have him under control." He stopped at his locker and started turning the dial. "If he knows what is good for him...he won't say a damn thing."

Sterling stared at Miracle when he heard that last comment.Just what had he meant by that? Whatever it was, it sounded very threatening. He shivered slightly, and looked to his locker, feeling a bit nervous, yet concerned at the same time.

"So you know anyone who can hook us up with some fake IDs?" Miracle asked, shutting his locker after putting away his English book. "I can go get them now if you tell me who can supply them. I'm totally ditching out on gym."

"Why would I know? No one talks to me...ever." Sterling exchanged his English book for his science one and shut his locker.

Miracle sighed in frustration. "Damn..." He stood there for a moment in thought and then gave a shake of his head. "I'll figure it out, don't worry about it."

"What was up with that comment about Brad anyway?"

Miracle stared at Sterling but his response was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find Miss Carter stood behind him. Great. He had done so well avoiding her until now. Every time she sent someone to bring him to her office, Miracle had made sure to run off somewhere. Obviously she had decided to find him personally this time. How much had she heard?

"Decided to come find me?" Miracle couldn't help but to grin at her as the bell rang. "Oops...gotta go. Nice seeing you!" Miracle turned around and attempted an escape.

"Just a minute..." She grabbed his shoulder as she grinned at him.

He stopped and turned around to look at her, Miracle's grin faded into a frown. He didn't want to talk to her, he didn't even want to see her. She asked too many questions, it was like she was trying to get him to confront things that he wasn't ready to confront.

"I'm going to be late for class, then I'll be in trouble and it'll be your fault. But of course you'll get away with it, because you're a staff member."

"Because I'm a staff member...I have the authority to keep you out of class."

He looked down at the floor and leaned back against the locker. He lifted a hand to scratch his head, feeling a bit lost and bewildered. He didn't want to talk to her, but part of him wanted so badly to express something. For once he just wanted to let something out of that emotional bottle he usually kept shut tight. For once he wanted to believe someone really cared.

"Come with me out to the court yard?" She asked.

He looked at her and after a moment, he gave an unsure nod. "Fine."

By that point the hallway had cleared of people and he was grateful for the silence. He pushed off his locker and followed her, through the double glass doors that lead to the court yard.

It was a pretty place, a large water fountain in the middle and a cobbled stone walk way that lead to it; a large circular stone bench surrounded the water fountain and different kinds of flowers and plants scattered about along the sides. Miracle followed her to the water fountain and sat next to her. His eyes glanced down toward the water and he stretched out his hand, allowing his finger tips to just barely touch it, causing a light ripple when contact was made.

"I'll make a deal with you. I just want you to tell me one thing. Only one, and you get to pick what it is. After you've told me, I want to know how you feel about it. In exchange, I'll pull you from gym and give you study hall instead."

"I'll tell you about my birth parents. What I can remember of them anyway." He spoke softly and looked at her and then down towards the water. Her bribe sounded like something he could work with. He just didn't know what ‘one thing’ to pick. As he stared at the water he felt so lost, alone and vulnerable. He felt peaceful at the same time. But peaceful meant sad for him, because he knew it could never last.

She nodded, saying in an encouraging tone, "Go on."

"I don't remember where exactly it was but...we lived in this cabin. It was far away from everything, out in the middle of nowhere, really. It was right on the beach, the sand was practically our backyard."

He stared at the water and he couldn't help but to smile as he thought about it, the memories made him feel so warm inside and happy. Yet the sadness was always there at the back of it, because he knew it would never be like that again.

"The summers were great. My real parents...they would invite a few friends over every night. We always had fires out on the beach, roasted marshmallows and we cooked dinner on the grill. The fourth of July was always a special occasion. We didn't live in America. Although we celebrated it anyway because it gave us an excuse to blow fireworks."

Talking made him feel different. The more he spoke of it, the sadder he got. Miracle's smile had already faded into just a glimmer of happiness as his eyes watered up. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, he just wanted to run away and find somewhere he could cry, a place where he could just release the pain the memories brought.

Taking a deep breath he continued. "I remember one winter we had gone somewhere up north. I don't remember where. We went to see the Christmas lights. It was a just a field decorated with all kinds of things. It was just the three of us and we were riding on a train...and...and we had hot chocolate and....and..."

He couldn't hold it back anymore. The pain overwhelmed him. His eyes shut tight and he leaned down, his shoulders beginning to shake and tremble as he started to cry. He was falling to pieces right in front of this woman, and that was the reason why he didn't want to talk to her about anything; because he knew this would happen. He didn't want to let anyone see him cry. He didn't want anyone to see him so emotionally vulnerable.

Miss Carter looked at him with a sympathetic expression. This was one person who would care about him even if she weren't being paid. She wanted to help him, and she knew the first step was for him to face his past, work through that, and then work through the present. She rubbed his back with a soothing hand as he cried, giving him a few moments.

"You need to continue, Miracle. It's important for you to continue." She spoke to him in a soft and nurturing tone, as a mother would with her child.

"I miss them...I miss them so much." He cried, the pain only seeming to grow. "Why...why did he...he...why did he leave? And...and...why didn't she keep me?"

She spoke softly, shaking her head. "I don't know. I don't have those answers."

He took a few quick and deep breaths as he tried to calm himself. Sniffling sounds could be heard as he reached up to wipe away the tears that soaked his face. "We were all so happy...and everything was so perfect. Then one day...my Dad just left and never came back. My Mom cried for weeks. The clearest memory I have is of her. The day she gave me away. All I have of them is a picture she gave me."

He looked over at Miss Carter. "Just one picture..."

"You don't really hate them...do you?" It was much more than a question.

"I want to...sometimes. Whenever bad things happen... I want to hate them. I just can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if...well if things had been different."

"You shouldn't think like that. Wondering what could have been...questions like that will only eat you up inside because you won't ever really know."

He looked at her, his face contorted as if he were on the verge of bursting into tears again. He stood up. "I can't talk about anything anymore...not today. It's too much." he looked away.

"Do you want a ride home? I can get you excused from the rest of your classes today." She really didn't feel like he would be able to handle the rest of the day.

"So long as we ride around long enough for me to look presentable. I don't want my parents to know anything."

She gave a nod in agreement and stood up, wrapping him up in a hug as those hands soothingly rubbed his back. Miracle returned the hug, wishing Martha was like this. She cared, but she never hugged him, and she never really took the time to find out when something was bothering him. All he had to do was tell her that he was fine and she would always leave it at that.

Miracle pulled away and nodded appreciatively He was starting to like this woman. He wanted to believe that she was doing this because she cared, and not because she was being paid to care. They both headed back inside to get their things then headed out to the parking lot.