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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Flash Fiction - Second Shot - The Senior Year - 14. Chapter 14

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Tugging at his collar, Jason wondered why the shirt and tie suddenly felt so constricting. He'd worn them often enough in the past. Shifting his eye to his left, he saw Peter staring blankly into the mirror.

Since the spring they almost managed to forget the attack. Nine months healed most wounds. To Jason, it felt like he had the old Peter back. Almost. The occasional nightmares were the worst, at least for him. When Peter screamed in his sleep, Jason felt the utter helplessness of seeing Peter in the hospital all over again. The disappointment ran a close second.

Every time Peter saw his martial arts teammates he put on a good face. He'd ask about their training, the chances for the new season and the like. But privately Jason knew what it cost his boyfriend. No one wanted to compete more than Pete, but that would never happen again.

"You look nice." Peter's smile matched his tone. Another brave face.

Usually Jason smiled back and did his best to keep up the charade. This time he couldn't quite do it. The first tear cracked his walls. When he couldn't contain the second, he tried to turn so Peter wouldn't see. He had waited too long to move.

The hand on his shoulder, meant to comfort, only reminded him of all the bad things that happened. He'd tried to keep a perspective, remember they agreed no one was to blame. That lasted less than a heart beat.

Days like this, when they couldn't pretend it didn't happen, when they had to confront the harsh reality, always taxed Jason's resolve. Letting Peter see how much he hurt, knowing he had a hand in Peter's injury, felt like Jason launched a new attack on the man he loved. He knew the affect it had on Peter. But some days….

"Jase." The hand on his shoulder became two and Jason felt himself being gently pulled around. He tried to resist, but Peter didn't let go. Finally he allowed his body to turn, but wouldn't meet Peter's gaze.

"It's okay, babe. Really." Peter's strong hands pulled Jason into an embrace. The tears became a steady stream and he pulled his hand up quickly to cover his face. "Sheesh. It's not your fault."

Before he could move back, Jason felt a hand cup the back of his head, pulling him closer. The words registered, but it didn't matter. Peter could say it wasn't his fault, forgive him forever and back, and still Jason wouldn't believe it.

Guilt never helped, he knew that, but it refused to let go. A little more backbone and the attack wouldn't have happened. Had he been just a bit stronger, less shallow, Peter wouldn't have been alone that awful night. Jason should have told his mother to fuck off, consequences, and money, be damned.

Instead he wavered. Considered the options. Tried to find a way to have both and almost had neither. When Peter needed him most, he waffled. Worse, he lashed out and accused Peter of being unsupportive before storming off. How could it not be his fault?

A pair of soft lips brushed his ear and Peter nuzzled closer. "I know what's going on inside your head."

Another kiss only made Jason feel worse. Despite all the pain Jason caused, Peter still loved him. He didn't deserve it, even if he desperately wanted it.

"I've said this before, but I'll keep saying it, no matter what you did or didn't do, you didn't cause Jordan to attack me. You're not to blame. Not then, not now, not ever."

The logical part of his brain told Jason he didn't contribute to what happened. Jordan planned and carried out the attack without ever including Jason in the equation. But it was nearly impossible to overlook that had he just stood up to his mother that one time, they'd have stayed in that night.

Jordan needed a perfect storm to carry out his plan. He needed Peter alone, distracted, and vulnerable. Jason handed his ex-best friend all that and more. If he didn't cause the attack, he made Peter susceptible to it and in Jason's mind there wasn't much difference.

He managed to stem the flow of salty tears, though not before he left a wet mark on Peter's dark blue suit coat. Even then he couldn't find his voice.

Peter pulled back enough so he could touch his forehead to Jason's. "Jase, please look at me." When Jason didn't move his eyes off the carpet, Peter added, "Please?"

The plea worked into the word forced Jason to find the will to meet Peter's needful stare.

"I love you, Jase. Totally and completely." A tear formed at the corner of each of Peter's eyes, but he never turned away. "You can't blame yourself. It's not healthy. I've been through enough counseling to know. But more importantly, it hurts me so much to see you do this to yourself. So much."

Jason sniffed, finding the voice he'd lost since he saw Peter's fake smile. "I don't want to hurt you. I love…I love you too much to…hurt…you…again."

"Good, because it would totally suck if you didn't love me back."

Jason laughed at the reused line. Staring at Peter's smile–a real one this time–he regained his control. "I'll always love your backside."

Peter rolled his eyes and tapped the side of Jason's head. "Perv."

"Maybe. You'll have to wait til we get home to find out."

"No, I already know. When we get home you'll just remind me how much I enjoy that side of you." After wiggling his eyebrows, Peter smoothed Jason's hair. "Okay Dauphin County Courthouse, ready or not, here we come."

Jason breathed in deep and let it out with a rush. He could do this. For Peter he would do it.

Always.

Copyright © 2014 Andrew Q Gordon; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

thejoedani4

Poor Jason. It would be great if we could have one pass ~ a do-over, if you will. I guess this is Jason's though. He still has Pete. I wonder if you can ever let something as tragic as this go. It changed both of their lives in both good and bad ways. When I read Second Shot I was in a total rage at the world. So freaking unfair.

This was a beautiful little glimpse...thanks :)

Btw, I may actually ask next time we are heading your direction. :)~

  • Like 2
Andrew Q Gordon
On 06/20/2013 10:38 PM, thejoedani4 said:
Poor Jason. It would be great if we could have one pass ~ a do-over, if you will. I guess this is Jason's though. He still has Pete. I wonder if you can ever let something as tragic as this go. It changed both of their lives in both good and bad ways. When I read Second Shot I was in a total rage at the world. So freaking unfair.

This was a beautiful little glimpse...thanks :)

Btw, I may actually ask next time we are heading your direction. :)~

I think you've hit it. This is the type of thing it's really hard to let go of, especially when you never quite forgiven yourself for what you did - or didn't do. I think they've found a way to deal with it that works for them, but the trial isn't going to be fun.

 

And yes, do let me know if you're around my direction. :)

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TonyC

Jason needs to focus on the positive things that happened since the attack. If Jason did stand up to his Mom that night, he probably would not have reconnected with her, his relationship with his family would still be severed like keeping his distance from his brother. Also, if it didn't happen that knight, Jordon would have probably still cornered Pete and attacked him on another night anyway. The attack that night, even though horrible, was probably better in the long run for their relationship then if Jason told his Mom no to the classes.

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Andrew Q Gordon
On 06/21/2013 03:33 AM, TonyC said:
Jason needs to focus on the positive things that happened since the attack. If Jason did stand up to his Mom that night, he probably would not have reconnected with her, his relationship with his family would still be severed like keeping his distance from his brother. Also, if it didn't happen that knight, Jordon would have probably still cornered Pete and attacked him on another night anyway. The attack that night, even though horrible, was probably better in the long run for their relationship then if Jason told his Mom no to the classes.
Tony,

 

There is a lot of truth to that thought - it's kinda like the time paradox, if you change one thing in the past the ripple effect could be huge longer term. You never know what might have happened and it might not always be better. That said, I think we all go through the - if only I didn't do X . . . So I'd not fault him too much - even if it's not healthy. Thanks for reading.

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Andrew Q Gordon
On 06/23/2013 04:56 PM, ShadowDancer said:
need longer chapters please :,(
Zandra, - sorry the format for these chapters are flash fiction - i.e. under 1000 words. I'm posting these on my website as part of the writing group, but posting them here as well. I can't really go with longer chapters unless I just combine them and post every few weeks. The other problem is this isn't a 'defined' story in that it doesn't have a beginning or an end, they're just snippets of their lives that come out as short stories. So this isn't going to be full on, long chapters. Sorry.
  • Like 1
Daithi

What if...should have done... Hindsight. Is 20/20... If we only knew.... Looking back we always see what we could of, should of or would of done but unless you have a time travel machine looking back and rekindling the guilt wont help. Yes Peter lost something previous to him his martial arts competitions, Jason lost some of innocence and confidence. But like peter sahs there is no guilt he didn't do that to Peter... Jorden did he is the one to pay. Will it be easy to go from there no but working together they both can get beyond this. Assuming the mantle of guilt is always easier that acceptance that it happened now move past. Very sad chapter.

  • Like 2
Andrew Q Gordon
On 06/28/2013 08:44 AM, Daithi said:
What if...should have done... Hindsight. Is 20/20... If we only knew.... Looking back we always see what we could of, should of or would of done but unless you have a time travel machine looking back and rekindling the guilt wont help. Yes Peter lost something previous to him his martial arts competitions, Jason lost some of innocence and confidence. But like peter sahs there is no guilt he didn't do that to Peter... Jorden did he is the one to pay. Will it be easy to go from there no but working together they both can get beyond this. Assuming the mantle of guilt is always easier that acceptance that it happened now move past. Very sad chapter.
Daithi, where did this slip in? I missed it obviously - I suppose you are very right - sometimes taking the guilt is easier - because you don't work to move on. Peter had to go through a lot of counseling to get back to where he was/is so you can see he wasn't going to let Jason take the blame for this. As you say, they're going to need to work together to get beyond this. My hopes are high for them both. :)
  • Like 2
Andrew Q Gordon
On 06/28/2013 08:44 AM, Daithi said:
What if...should have done... Hindsight. Is 20/20... If we only knew.... Looking back we always see what we could of, should of or would of done but unless you have a time travel machine looking back and rekindling the guilt wont help. Yes Peter lost something previous to him his martial arts competitions, Jason lost some of innocence and confidence. But like peter sahs there is no guilt he didn't do that to Peter... Jorden did he is the one to pay. Will it be easy to go from there no but working together they both can get beyond this. Assuming the mantle of guilt is always easier that acceptance that it happened now move past. Very sad chapter.
Daithi, where did this slip in? I missed it obviously - I suppose you are very right - sometimes taking the guilt is easier - because you don't work to move on. Peter had to go through a lot of counseling to get back to where he was/is so you can see he wasn't going to let Jason take the blame for this. As you say, they're going to need to work together to get beyond this. My hopes are high for them both. :)
  • Like 1
joann414

Poor Jason. Guilt is an enemy that can eat at us for a lifetime if we can't shake it. Obviously, Peter doesn't blame Jason, and between the two of them, I think they will eventually work through it. They've got a loving relationship that has withstood a lot, and I think can withstand a lot more if needed. Time takes care of some things, but we have to be able to move with time, and leave them behind. "off the soapbox"

  • Like 2
Andrew Q Gordon
On 07/29/2013 01:28 AM, joann414 said:
Poor Jason. Guilt is an enemy that can eat at us for a lifetime if we can't shake it. Obviously, Peter doesn't blame Jason, and between the two of them, I think they will eventually work through it. They've got a loving relationship that has withstood a lot, and I think can withstand a lot more if needed. Time takes care of some things, but we have to be able to move with time, and leave them behind. "off the soapbox"
Tis true, but it is also true that when you hurt the ones you love the most, you regret those times exponentially more, but maybe once the trial is over they can move on.
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