Recovery - 19. Chapter 19

Getting Kei to the spa had been hell. Even though they had a special car with wheelchair access, it was a nightmare getting him into it, and he was horribly car sick all the way. By the time they got there, he was thoroughly miserable and exhausted. The first thing he did when they were shown to their cabin was be sick in the bathroom.

Afterwards, Alex enlisted the help of one of the ‘on call’ nurses to get Kei into bed, then sat on the windowsill, gazing out over the sea.

“It’s wonderful, Kei, really beautiful. I can’t wait to take you down to the beach. It’s been ages since I’ve been near the sea.”

“Too tired.”

“I know you are now, but we can go later, or tomorrow. Whatever.”

“Okay.”

“Ah babe, you’re sounding tired and it’s been a bitch of a journey for you. Do you want to have a nap for a while?”

“No. Want sleep. Want to… go bed and sleep…forever.”

“Don’t say that,” Alex snapped, and Kei stared in shock. Alex had hardly spoken a harsh word to him since he got ill, even when Kei was screaming at him. “I’m sorry.” Alex sat on the bed and took Kei’s hand. “I’m so sorry, baby. It’s just… you almost did that, and I couldn’t bear it if….” And suddenly it hit him. All the fear and worry, the questions and doubt, hit him right between the shoulder blades, and he fell forward, across Kei, holding him tightly and sobbing his heart out.

Although shocked, Kei threw his arms around Alex, and held him close, rubbing his cheek against Alex’s hair. “Ssh Alex. Ssh. Okay now. All okay now.”

When he calmed down, Alex raised himself on one elbow and sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Not attractive…look,” Kei said, with a smile.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I just…”

“I know. They said.”

“Who said what?”

“Shrink. Said… hit every…one different. Different time. Different ways. Every. One. Fal..ls. Ap…art.” He spoke very carefully, making absolutely sure he got his words out in a proper order. “It’s okay…you…fall…now. I’m…okay.”

“You’re more than okay, babe. You’re wonderful. You’ve always been wonderful to me.”

“I know. That’s why…love you…I do.” He grinned, then his eyes wandered around the room. A cheeky expression came into them. “No one, Alex.”

“No one what?”

“Here.”

“No, there’s no one here? Why? Do you need something? I could call the nurse.” Alex started to rise, but Kei grabbed him and pulled him back.

“No,” he said. He furrowed his brow in concentration, and licked his lips before he spoke. “No one. Here. You. Me. Here. Alone.” He grinned at Alex, who flushed, getting his drift.

“I thought you were tired.”

“Am. Come to bed.”

“It’s only eight o’clock.”

“Not. Sleep.”

“No, I know you’re not thinking of sleep, but I’m hungry. Tell you what. You have a nap. I’ll get some food sorted, and we’ll eat in bed. Okay?”

Kei pouted a little, then smiled. “Okay.”

Alex investigated the kitchen which was well stocked with appliances, but not, unfortunately, food. “Babe, would you mind if I…?” Alex stopped short. Kei was fast asleep. Stretched out on the bright coverlet in the pretty cabin, away from the hospital environment, Kei looked so much better. In sleep he looked almost…normal. Alex shook himself. He was normal. He was just sick, but he was getting better.

Alex walked over to the bed, and bent to kiss Kei’s forehead. Kei didn’t even stir. “I’ll be back soon.”

It was wonderful outside. The air was salty with the breeze blowing in from the sea, and the sun was beginning to set over the horizon. He stopped for a moment, and stared breathlessly at the view. It would be even better from the balcony at the back of the cabin. Tomorrow, he’d take Kei out there and they could watch the waves together. Maybe tomorrow they could watch the sun set, have supper watching the sea turn purple. Tomorrow. Everything began tomorrow. Their lives began tomorrow. Or maybe tonight.

The thought made him hurry along the path to the main spar complex, where they had a food shop.

An hour and a half later, laden with goodies, he made his way back. This time he hurried, worried Kei might have woken alone. He’d met so many people, and they were all so nice it seemed rude to just walk away. What a fool he’d been. Rather be rude than leave Kei alone for all this time. What if he’d woken alone? What if he was scared? What if he’d tried to get out of bed and hurt himself? Damn. Hurrying turned into jogging and jogging to running and he was suddenly racing along the path, clutching bags and hoping the handles wouldn’t break.

He was panting by the time he reached the door, and fumbled for the key. His hand trembled as he fitted the key into the lock. When the door sprang open he almost fell into the room. Dumping the bags he ran to the bedroom. Kei was still asleep, and Alex felt weak with relief. As he stood panting Kei stirred and opened his eyes.

“Though you…getting…food.”

“I’ve been. Just got back. I was worried you’d be afraid.”

“I… sleep.”

“But you could have woken up.”

“And…know…you…gone…food.”

“You wouldn’t have been scared? Even if you’d woken and I wasn’t here?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Disappointed?”

“No, not disappointed. Very happy.”

Kei reached out his arms. “Make me happy.”

“After food.”

Kei sighed and pulled himself up against the pillows. He groaned a little. “Feel…like…beaten…big sticks.”

“I promise you haven’t been.”

“No.” He yawned. “Don’t be long.”

“No, sir.”

Alex hurried to put all the food away. He’d made sure to get things that didn’t need cooking and he set it all out on a tray. Fruit, snacks and bread and butter, with still orange and milkshake. Alex would have killed for a coffee, but Kei wasn’t supposed to drink it and he’d never have been that cruel.

After checking around the house to make sure everything was switched off and secure, Alex carried the tray into the bedroom, and put it on the bed. He turned to close the curtains.

“Don’t.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t close. Moon. Good.”

“You want to look at the moon?”

“Yes.”

“You’re going to have something much better to look at very soon. I’m hoping you won’t be looking at the moon very much at all.”

“Ah but moon…light.”

“Alright, you win. I won’t close the curtains.” Alex sat on the bed, and picked up a sandwich. “Mmm, this bread is really good. Do you want one?”

“I want you.”

“Patience.”

“Cruel.”

“Yes. Eat.”

Kei sighed and took a sandwich. He munched and stared at Alex with a strange, amused expression on his face.

“What?” Alex asked after a while.

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

“Just…think…ing.”

“Thinking about what. It’s something good by the look on your face.”

“Yes.”

“So…”

“You.”

“Me?”

“Thinking…you.”

“What are you thinking about me? I know that look, and I’ll bet it’s something dirty.”

“Your…fault.”

“What do you mean?”

“You got…straw…berries.”

Alex grinned. “I remember,” he said. “I remember the last thing you did with strawberries. Maybe we won’t do that tonight. Start slowly, huh? We don’t know what you can do yet.”

“Lying down I okay.”

“I bet you don’t have the strength in your legs to do what you did last time we had strawberries.”

Kei almost choked on his sandwich. “Could be… right. But. I need… exercises.”

“Not that kind of exercise.”

“Any exercise good.”

“We’ll see.”

They ate as fast as they could. Kei would have stopped half a dozen times if Alex let him, but he insisted on making sure Kei was well fed before he finally took the tray and put it on the table. Kei held out his arms, and Alex lay down next to him.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Good.”

Alex brushed the hair from Kei’s face and let his fingers linger over his cheek. “Not too tired.”

“No. Touch me.” Kei closed his eyes and pulled Alex down to kiss him.

Alex had been worried about this moment. He wanted Kei. Oh god he wanted him, but he was terrified. What if Kei couldn’t handle it? What if he couldn’t do it? What if Alex hurt him? Was he able to even get an erection? If he did what…?”

“Stop.”

“Huh?”

“You’re thinking.”

“I…what do you mean?”

“You know. Stop thinking.”

Alex chuckled and began to relax. Kei sighed exaggeratedly. “Hopeless,” he said. “I always…do…the…work.”

“What do you—?”

Alex’s words were cut off when Kei grabbed him and rolled his body, so he was on top of Alex. With a smouldering hot look, he lowered his head and took possession of Alex’s mouth, as his hands took possession of his body.

If Alex had worried Kei would be unable to perform, it was wasted energy. After everything that happened Kei was a powder keg, and literally exploded.

“Jesus Christ,” Alex said, collapsing on the pillows. “I thought you were fragile and sick.”

“Wrong,” Kei sang, tracing a sweeping pattern on Alex’s bare stomach.

Alex squirmed. “That tickles.”

Kei laughed. It was a joyous laugh, a laugh Alex hadn’t heard for a long, long time. He sobered, realising just how long Kei had been ill for.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry? Why? You did…okay.”

Alex smacked him playfully. “I mean…” He sobered again. “I’m sorry what a bastard I was to you when you were ill.”

“But… you… You’ve been…great.”

“No, I mean before, when I was being so horrible to you, and we didn’t know you were sick.”

“You…didn’t…know.”

“I know but… There was no excuse for me to treat you like that, even if I didn’t know, even if you weren’t ill. I was horrible. You were ill and getting weaker all the time. I should have seen it. I did see it. I saw you struggling, and I just made it worse. I was stupid and childish and selfish and—“

Kei silenced him with fingers to his lips. They smelled of sex and made Alex’s body twitch despite his feelings of guilt.

“Gone now,” Kei said quietly. “All gone. Nothing matters. We… Start…again.”

Alex smiled, and caressed Kei’s beautiful face. “Yeah. That’s good. We’ll start again, right now.”

“Hmm. Can I…rest…first?”

Alex grinned. “You’re getting back on form, aren’t you?” Kei grinned and shrugged. Alex yawned “I should shower.”

“Then go.”

“I’m too tired and comfortable.”

“Go shower…smelly Alex.” Kei finished by tweaking Alex’s nipple so hard his whole body left the bed.

“Aw. There was no need for that. I would have gone. And for your information, you’re more smelly than me. You haven’t washed your hair properly in forever.”

“Me shower…with…you.”

Alex smiled a slow smile. “You want to try?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, wait here and I’ll get it all set up.”

Alex turned on the showerhead in the enormous walk in shower and checked out the seat that allowed him to easily transfer Kei from the wheelchair, then swing him under the water. But he had a better idea. After putting their toiletries on the shelf he hurried back to the bedroom.

“Ready?”

“Yeah. Where’s chair?”

“We’re not going to use the chair.”

Kei frowned. “I… I can’t….”

“You don’t need to.” Alex strode to Kei’s side of the bed, and before Kei could say another word, he’d lifted him in his arms and held him tight against his chest. Kei let his head fall on Alex’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“You okay?”

“Always, with you,” Kei whispered into his ear.

When Alex had him comfortably seated in the shower seat, with his head resting back in the neck support, he swung him into the warm water stream, and Kei gasped. “Is it alright? Not too hot?”

“Wonderful.” Kei gasped. “Soap me.”

“You’re full of demands tonight.”

“Yes.”

Happily, Alex complied with Kei’s orders and first rubbed shampoo into his hair. Kei moaned and arched his back, to tilt his head back further as Alex massaged his scalp with the spicy shampoo. When he was done, he washed it off by detaching one of the showerhead. There were three altogether, two fixed and one removable. Kei moaned again, as Alex thoroughly rinsed his hair then finger combed conditioner through it and rinsed it again. “Feel…so…good,” Kei moaned.

“It feels good doing it, baby. Ready for me to soap you down?”

“No. You first.”

“What?”

“You. I want…see…you.”

“Oh. You want me to put on a show huh?”

Kei licked his lips. “Yes.”

With great show, Alex stretched and arched his back, as he thoroughly wet his white blonde hair. He let his head fall back as he massaged in the shampoo. Licking his lips, he gave Kei a hot look through his lashes. Kei bit his lips and moaned. “More.”

When he’d finished with his hair, Alex rubbed shower gel all over his body and rinsed it off. He smiled in delight, when he saw how appreciative Kei had become.

“You look like you’re ready to go again.”

“Come here,” Kei demanded, and Alex slid over, working himself between Kei’s legs, spreading his knees. “What do you want—?” he began then stopped with a gasp as Kei leaned forward and showed him exactly what he wanted.

When Alex woke the next morning, he couldn’t work out where he was. He’d slept so poorly lately, he’d become use to waking alone and still tired. But today something was different. Something was…warm and spicy, and wrapped around him. He turned his head on the pillow, and blinked open his eyes.

Kei was still asleep, his hair tousled, and his lips slightly apart. Memories of the night before swept over Alex, and he found himself swelling appreciatively. Oh no. Not good. Even though Kei was more peaceful than Alex had seen him in a long, long time, Kei still looked pinched and pale, with dark circles around his eyes. He, too had been sleeping poorly and he’d been working hard at the physio and stuff. It would be unfair to wake him in that way.

Very carefully, Alex slid out from under Kei’s arms. He was hoping not to wake Kei, but of course he did. The morning sun was shining through the window, flooding the room with brightness, and Kei screwed up his eyes. He yawned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, just going to the bathroom. It’s either that or I pee on you.”

Kei stifled a snort. “Not my bag.”

“Nor mine, so I shall depart and leave my sexy boyfriend to soak up the morning sunshine.”

Alex hurried to the bathroom, did what he had to do and hurried back. Kei was doing exactly what he’d suggested. He’d thrown off the covers and was sprawled, naked on the bed, his arms behind his head. He smiled lazily.

“Feel. Good.”

“I’m very glad about that,” Alex said lying beside him. “You’re looking damn good too, babe. Really damn good. I’d almost forgotten how beautiful you are.”

Kei gave him a coy smile, and licked his lips. “Not like you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Beautiful. So…beautiful”

Alex closed his eyes, as Kei explored his face with cool fingers. “No one but you has ever thought I’m beautiful.”

“Yes they have.”

“No one’s ever said it.”

“Should have.”

Alex opened his eyes, and smiled at Kei. “What do you say about taking another shower?” he asked.

“Same kind?”

“Oh yeah.”

After the shower, they dressed and shared breakfast out on the balcony, watching the sea. Kei looked amazing, with his hair blowing in the stiff morning breeze, and his skin growing rosy again. It had been a long time since Alex had seen Kei so animated and well. It almost brought him to tears a few times.

“What will we… do today?”

“They left a schedule on the table.”

“Schedule?”

“A list of things you can do, with times and stuff.”

“But….don’t have to?”

“No, you don’t have to do anything, theoretically.” Kei looked at him quizzically. “You’re here to work, and I’m going to make sure you do.”

Kei frowned. “If I don’t want?”

“Tough. Kei, you’re here for therapy. That’s the deal. Besides, it’s not like at the hospital. We can do it together.”

“Alright,” he said reluctantly. “Go get the schedule.”

They poured over the schedule, while they finished breakfast, and Alex got Kei to agree, albeit reluctantly, to a hydrotherapy session in the pool followed by therapeutic massage after lunch. Kei sulked all the way to the main building, and made things as difficult as possible for Alex to get him changed and into the pool. Alex knew full well he could have done a lot more for himself. However, once he was in the water everything changed.

Kei had always been a very strong swimmer. He found his balance problems went out the window in the water, and his arms were strong enough to compensate for his legs, so he was able to give a fair show. He sulked again when the therapist arrived, and insisted on putting him through an exercise regime. The therapist ignored his complaints, and Alex wished dearly he could do the same. Other people had joined them in the water by then, and Kei’s sulking included a blank refusal to acknowledge anyone else.

Eventually, Alex had had enough. “For God’s sake stop being so rude.”

“What?”

“You’re being rude. Shay’s spoken to you at least three times, and you haven’t even acknowledged him, and you deliberately cut across Elaine when she was so proud of what she was doing.”

Kei sneered. “Proud? S…plashing… half a length. I was…was…better that….that… in the ICU.”

“No you weren’t and even if you were, that’s not the point. The point is you cut across her and scared her. She was doing really well, and you could have destroyed her confidence, or even hurt her. Just because you’re like a fish in the water doesn’t mean everyone is.”

“Jealous,” Kei said, playfully splashing Alex as he trod water, moving slowly away from him.

“No. I’m not jealous. To be perfectly honest, I’m embarrassed.”

Kei’s mouth dropped open. “Embarrassed? By me?”

“Yes, embarrassed by you. I never thought I’d say that, but I am.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re being a complete arsehole. These people are trying really hard. So what if they can’t swim as well as you can? They’re pleasant, and smiling, and helping each other. All you can do is turn your back and try to score points. This isn’t you, and I don’t like it.”

Kei stared at him for a moment in shock, then his eyes hardened. “Don’t like…don’t stay.”

“What?”

“You…don’t…like…me…get…the…hell…away.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m not leaving you here.”

“Don’t want you.”

“Tough. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I hate you.”

“Yeah right. Stop behaving like a spoiled brat, Kei. Wake up and smell the coffee. Take a look around. You’re not the only one who’s struggling, working hard to get better. In fact… you’re not.”

“I…am,” Kei snapped his eyes sparking anger. “You…don’t…know—.”

“No, I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s like for you. I can’t know that. I know it’s hard, and I know it’s frustrating, and it hurts, and it makes you sick… but look around. It’s just as hard for them, if not harder and none of them are behaving like spoiled kids. They’re smiling, helping, talking to each other, supporting each other. They’re being decent human beings.”

“And me?” Kei said quietly. “Not…human?”

“That’s not what I said. I said you’re not being a decent human being, and you’re not. You’re being horrible, and I’m sick of it.” Alex took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, struggling with his emotions. The last thing he wanted was to spill them all here, in front of everyone.

“Just fuck off…Alex. Get…get…get out. Away. Leave.”

“What then? If I leave what happens next? Sure, someone will help you get out of the pool and back to the cabin. They’ll help you because they’re nice people. Even though you’ve been a complete shit to everyone all morning, they’ll help you because you need help. They understand. They know what it’s like. You can’t use that argument with them, so you’ll have to find another one. You’ll have to find another excuse to treat them like a piece of shit, your whipping boy, because that’s what you’ve been doing to me for days.”

Unconscious of the fact that everyone had stopped and was staring at them, Alex found that now he’d started letting the feelings out he couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry you got sick, Kei. I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad time, but it hasn’t been easy for me either. I’ve had to face the fact I might lose the most precious thing in my life, and then watch you go through hell.

“I’ve tried really, really hard to keep upbeat and positive, and sometimes it isn’t easy. It hurts me to see you struggle, and if I could wave a wand and make you like you were before, I would. In fact, I’d give up anything for it. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love you the way you are, because I do. I love you more than ever, but I’m tired. I’m tired of walking on eggshells with you all the time, never knowing when you’re going to explode at me. And I know you can’t help it, that you can’t control it, but it’s hard.

“But, you know what, I can handle that. I can handle it because I know you can’t help it and you always calm down after and things are okay. It’s this I can’t handle. This attitude. I have to practically force you to do anything, to try to get back on your feet again and when you do agree you’re vile about it. You can’t treat people like this. You can’t treat me like this.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop trying to hide. Be yourself again. Be strong and brave and proud and… I can’t do this, Kei. It’s too hard.”

Dashing tears from his eyes, Alex looked up, to realise everyone was staring at him, including Kei. One of the boys swam close and put his arms around Alex. “It’s okay,” he said. “It does get better. We all go through this, but it does get better.”

Suddenly Alex was surrounded by people, hugging him, holding him, comforting him. A wave of emotion washed over him, and started to sob. Careless of the fact that these people were effectively strangers he closed his eyes and let himself be held.

Suddenly something touched his lips and he jerked back. He opened his eyes to find them inches from the most beautiful green eyes he’d ever seen. They were jewel bright with tears. “I’m sorry,” Kei whispered hoarsely. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Alex croaked. “It’s okay, I just…”

Neither could say another word, they just held each other, encircled by new friends who held them both