Gemini - 13. A Glimpse of Ethan

Josh

As I left the clearing, I almost had a little jump in my step. I was so happy. Finally, I was making friends; not only Ethan and Sarah, but now also Cody. Then there was Jacob. He was just awesome and I wished I could be more like him. Right now, my life was good, better than I could have ever wished for. Even my muscle ache and the prospect of it becoming worse after working on the farm this afternoon couldn’t dampen my mood.

As I stepped back onto one of the small trails that led back to the more popular areas of the park, I saw a squirrel climbing a tree on the other side of the path. I stopped, and with a smile watched it sit on one of the tree branches and nibble on something. Right then, I felt almost as free as the squirrel. Like I could just climb every obstacle and jump from tree to tree. It was so different from what I usually felt like.

I finally forced my eyes away from the squirrel. I had to get back to Jacob’s school in time. The squirrel jumped from one branch to another branch on the trees over me while I walked on. As I left the park, I checked my watch and saw that I had only a few minutes left. For a few seconds I tried to run, but then the ache in my muscles came back with a vengeance and I fell back to a slow pace. I was running late, so I pulled out my phone and send Ethan a quick text.

I’m a few minutes late, just head to the parking lot and tell them I had to go to the toilet. I’ll meet you there.

I was just passing through the school gates, when I saw Cody walking in my direction.

“Hey J, ca va?” He called out as he spotted me.

“Hey Cody, what’s up?” I called back.

He walked up to me and grinned. “Weren’t you supposed to be in our French class?”

“Uh,” I said. “Uhm, I guess so?”

“So, what have you been up to?” He asked with a wink.

“Uhm, just walking through the park a bit. I had a headache, so I thought the fresh air would do me some good,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant Then I raised my hand and scratched an annoying itch behind my ear.

“Ah okay,” he said, but with a smirk. “All alone?”

My body suddenly felt too hot and my heart started to beat faster. What was that supposed to mean? “Uhm yeah,” I said. “Of course.”

He raised an eyebrow and kept grinning at me. Did he know anything? I subconsciously shoved my sweaty hands into my pockets. I didn’t like where this was going at all. The faster this conversation ended, the better.

“Are you sure?” He asked with a smirk. He had to know something! Why would he ask all these weird questions if not because he knew something was up.

“Quit being a weirdo, Cody,” I told him, but with a slight laugh, so it wouldn’t come out too harsh. “Who the heck would I hang out with in the park? I have no clue where you get your ideas!”

“Oh, I don’t know. I was just wondering,” he said casually, but I could tell that he was hiding something.

“Anyway,” I said, feeling a strong urge to just run away. “I gotta get going. My brothers are waiting for me.”

“Alright, have fun working on the farm, see you tomorrow,” he said and we bumped fists.

I hurried over to find Ian, Conrad, Ethan and Mary already waiting next to the car. Conrad and Ethan were chatting while Ian was boredly dribbling a basketball.

“You’re late,” Ian called, as he saw me approaching. He played around with the ball until I was closer. “Catch!” He suddenly said, when I was about ten feet away from him, and tossed the basketball over to me.

I was completely taken off guard. In a desperate attempt to catch it, I made a swift motion with my hands, but horribly failed and instead I bumped it away. I grimaced. Jacob would’ve caught it easily. Then I saw Ethan look over me with a worried expression and that made me feel even worse.

“Hey,” I said awkwardly. “Sorry I’m late.”

“It’s okay,” Ian said. He seemed surprised that I hadn’t been able to catch such an easy pass. “You should come play with us again, you’re getting rusty,” he said with a grin.

I turned around to go after the ball and collect it. When I had it in my hands, I considered throwing it back to Ian but decided against it. Considering my skills in basketball, I would probably hit someone in the head instead.

“I guess I’m ready to head back to bed,” I muttered when I arrived at the car, trying to give an excuse for my failure. I hoped that Ian wouldn’t read too much in this. He had already been watching me closely this morning when I had hugged Jacob’s mother unusually long.

He gave me an odd look, but then we piled into the car and I pretended to doze off quickly, so nobody would try to talk to me. The less I talked with Ian and Conrad, the better, at least if I wanted to keep our little secret.

“C’mon J, rise and shine,” I suddenly heard Ethan’s voice next to me. Apparently I had really dozed off, and not just pretended to. I unbuckled and left the car, rubbing my eyes and yawning.

We quickly changed into work clothes and went off to the stables. Ethan grimaced at the smell when we went in, but then he grabbed two pitchforks from the wall while I pushed the wheelbarrow into the position.

“Let’s both load up and then take turns with the wheelbarrow,” he suggested as he offered me one of the pitchforks.

“Alright,” I nodded and we began to work. My muscles started to complain right away, but I ignored them. I made sure to work a little slower, so I wouldn’t overdo it completely, but I didn’t completely stop. I was positive that, just like the day before, the pain would subside a bit if I just ignored it.

“You know,” Ethan said after a few loads. “We need to get you some basketball training. If we ever end up playing with anyone, you have to know how to play. Jacob isn’t a pro, but he can at least play alright.”

I groaned. “I hate any kinds of sports that have to do with balls.”

“Oh, is that so?” Ethan snickered. “I can think of one that every guy enjoys.”

“I doubt that’s considered a sport, you perv,” I laughed.

“Why not?” He grinned. “It can be exhausting and your body releases endorphins. Sounds like a sport to me.”

I just rolled my eyes at him. “It’s usually not a team sport though, and not competitive either.”

He winked at me. “Usually…”

“Whatever,” I exclaimed, and we cracked up.

“Seriously, we should work on that, though,” he said, after we had calmed down. “Maybe we will find an opportunity tomorrow evening if Jacob agrees to go to your place for the night.”

“Ok, so we’ll meet up in the evening, just the two of us, to play with… balls?” I grinned at him. I had barely spoken the words when I realized just how flirtatious I was and I blushed three shades of red. Where did this cockiness come from?

Ethan didn’t seem to notice, though, he was too busy laughing his ass off. “If you’re hoping to score, mister,” he said. “Be aware, I’m very good at one-on-ones.”

That got me laughing again and luckily he didn’t seem to have noticed that I was red as a beet. I grabbed the loaded wheelbarrow while I was still chuckling and made my way out of the stable. When I returned, I changed the topic before I would make my attraction to Ethan any more obvious.

“I think Cody knows something,” I said, and summarized the conversation I had had with him at the school gates. “But I’m not really sure about it.”

“It sounds like he is assuming that something is going on, but how would he know? Of all these people around us, he knows Jacob the least,” Ethan commented.

We worked for a while in silence, thinking about it and when the wheelbarrow was full again, Ethan pushed it out. While he was gone I went over the few moments when I had been around Cody and then it hit me.

“Damn it was in the locker room,” I exclaimed when Ethan came back from outside.

“Huh?” Ethan gave me a confused look. “What was in the locker room?”

“He must have heard us talking there,” I said terrified. “When you were talking me into… you know… taking a shower. He was the last person left on our side of the locker room. His locker was fairly close, he must’ve eavesdropped.”

“Shit, you’re right,” Ethan said. “Even if he didn’t hear everything, he could have a good idea of what was going on.” He began pacing. “If he says something to the wrong person, asks the wrong questions, even unknowingly… you would get figured out quickly. What do we do?”

“Rip out his tongue?” I suggested sourly.

Ethan gave me an uneasy smile. “I guess we gotta talk to him. It’s better to tell him the whole story than to risk him getting other people suspicious while trying to find out what exactly is going on.”

“I don’t like this at all,” I complained. “We barely know him. He seems alright, but if he can’t keep it to himself, that would really suck.”

“Well, it doesn’t look like we have much of a choice, do we?” Ethan reasoned.

I sighed. “I really don’t like this. We can’t just tell him, can we? Could we at least try to figure out if he actually knows anything?”

Ethan shrugged. “If you have any ideas, go ahead. Otherwise I think it’s better to tell him than to get more people suspicious. What if he already knows and says the wrong thing while Ian is around, or something like that?”

“Crap,” I said, almost panicking. “You’re right. Do you have his phone number?”

“I don’t, sorry,” he said. “But it’s not like you’ll have much opportunity to meet him before tomorrow. We’re stuck here until tonight. Also, I guess it would be better to have this conversation face-to-face. You should think this through, too. Maybe he really doesn’t know and we’re overreacting.”

“I’ll see what happens at school tomorrow,” I said. “I’ll try to figure out if he knows anything. If he does, well then I guess, we’ll have to tell him to keep it a secret and let him hang out with us.”

“He seems like a nice guy,” Ethan smiled. “Even if he knows, it wouldn’t be that bad.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I sighed. “Can you do this next load, too? I’m totally exhausted.”

“I’ve got it,” he told me. He turned the wheelbarrow around and pushed it away, but after a few feet he stopped and turned around. “Oh and by the way, I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing great in your role as Jacob. That with the showers today... it must have been a big step. You should be proud of yourself.”

I blushed. “Thanks,” I said softly, and gave him a shy smile.

“It’s just the truth, nothing to thank me for,” he said with a grin, and then he went off with the wheelbarrow.

♊

“Hey, wanna sleep over at my place? That way we could do our homework together,” Ethan suggested, as Ian and Conrad left the car.

“Uhm,” I said. This was a little spontaneous for me. A sleepover with Ethan? Hell yes! But I hadn’t been on a sleepover for years, so the idea caught me off guard. “Hey, let me check with the ‘rents, okay?” I told him.

I grabbed my backpack and got out of the car. When Ethan also wanted to leave the car, aunt Mary stopped him. “I can drive you guys over, you have worked so hard today, it’s the least I can do.”

“Thanks, but we’ll be fine,” I said quickly. “I would like a nice little walk to relax after all the work.”

“Are you sure?” She asked. We nodded at her. “Alright, have a good night, thanks for helping again!”

“No Problem, Mrs.Baker,” Ethan replied with a grin. For a seconds, I got totally lost looking at him. He was so adorable when he grinned. I quickly ripped myself out of my trance and we said our goodbyes. Ethan quickly called his parents while I went inside to talk to Jacob’s parents. With the muscle ache in my legs it was a torture to get up the stairs, but I finally entered the small apartment and found Jacob’s mother in the kitchen, reading a book.

I leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen and watched the small, roundish woman for a few seconds. She just had this happy, warm aura, even while she was sitting there reading. When she didn’t notice me, I cleared my throat.

“Hey mom,” I said in a soft voice.

She looked up from her book and smiled. “Oh, hey honey, you’re back. Did you get everything done? How was it?”

“Yes, all the work is finished. It was kinda fun actually, Ethan helped me,” I told her and couldn’t help but smile.

“How did you get Ethan to help you?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“C’mon mom, he’s not that lazy,” I protested, but playfully. “I just asked him nicely and he said he’d do it.”

“Wonders never cease,” she said with a grin. “I hope you don’t have too much homework to do? I feel a bit bad about sending you out there for the whole afternoon and evening on a school day, but we didn’t have much choice.”

“It’s okay, it’s for the family. They would help us out, too, if we needed it,” I reassured her.

Then I gave her a shy look. “But uhm, speaking of which,” I said, suddenly feeling insecure. “I was thinking that.. maybe… because Ethan and I were working on the farm… and I still need to do homework… that I could maybe sleep over at Ethan’s, so we can get our homework done together?”

She laughed lightly. “Of course you can.” She got up and came over to me. “Promise you won’t stay up all night?”

“Okay mom, I promise,” I said. Most teens would have said these words just so they could go, to get their mother off of their back, but it felt differently for me. She hadn’t said it just like some cold rule, like my parents said everything to me. When she spoke those words to me, I could tell that she really cared for me.

Then she gave me a short hug and kissed me on the forehead. “Have fun honey, see you tomorrow.”

I felt so incredibly wrong, so bad, in that very second. The talk between me and Jacob’s mother had been so beautiful, so… surreal, in a good way, that I just wanted to lose myself in it. It was unlike any moment I had ever had with my parents, yet I knew it was all just fake. I was just a liar and she just thought that I was Jacob, and that was it. Nothing more. It was not real. I was just deceiving her, and myself. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes anymore.

“Thanks... mom,” I forced myself to say, and felt a little choked up. “I better get going. Ethan’s waiting for me.”

I grabbed my backpack along with a change of clothes and went back outside where Ethan was waiting for me.

When I left the house, Ethan told me that his parents had given him their ‘okay’ and asked whether I had everything I needed, but I barely registered it. After several seconds, I just nodded and we turned to walk, more exactly, stroll down the street towards his place, neither of us speaking a word.

The sun was just setting and we were walking westwards, so I had a perfect view of the sunset. I stared down the long street and wondered what the future was going to bring. Would I end up with Ethan? There were some indicators that he might be gay, too, but it might just as well be his personality and his way to act around good friends. What would I do if he didn’t reciprocate my feelings?

I thought about that for a bit. It would hurt like hell, but maybe it was for the better. Having a boyfriend would make it much harder to hide my being gay from my parents. Also, having Ethan as a good friend was already like winning the lottery. I shook my head at myself. Who was I fooling? If I was honest with myself, I was rationalizing things. I didn’t want Ethan to be just a friend, I wanted him to be with me, to hold me, to touch me, to wrap his arms around me.

I interrupted my train of thoughts. If I went on like this, I would have a raging boner in a minute. Instead, I focussed my thoughts on Cody, Ian and especially Jacob’s parents. How long would it take until someone figured our little game out? At some point we would have to come clear. Would Cody tell anyone? And how would Ian and Mr. and Mrs. Baker react? Would they accept me or would they reject me?

It seemed unusually quiet, so I looked to Ethan. Just like me, he seemed to be in deep thought, and he didn’t even notice that I was practically staring at him. What was he thinking about? I couldn’t imagine Ethan having any worries, regrets, or problems at all. It just didn’t fit his personality. Earlier that day, in the locker room after defending Cody, he had been just like this, totally absent, lost in thoughts.

His foot found a small stone on the sidewalk and he kicked it a few feet ahead of us, and when we reached it, he kicked it again, and again, always a few feet ahead. I observed this activity for a while, but then I looked back up to his face. His eyes looked so sad, so lost, and his face almost had something like a pained expression. I felt a sudden urge to just put my hand on his shoulder, stop him and pull him into an embrace, but I resisted. I didn’t even know if he would want me to do something like that. Also, I was too afraid that if he ever found out that I was gay, he would remember this and interpret it wrong.

I didn’t want it to look like I was abusing our friendship to be physically close to him. So instead, I just walked alongside him in silence and glanced at his face every once in a while. I made sure to always stay half a step behind, so he wouldn’t notice me looking at him too much. When we already had half the way to his place behind us, he suddenly looked at me.

“Hey,” he said softly. “What’s up? You seem so quiet and thoughtful.”

I was about to tell him that he was the one acting out of character, but I stopped myself. There would be a time to talk about Ethan’s problems, but I was sure it wasn’t here and now.

“Oh, I’m… I’m just exhausted from the work is all,” I replied. It wasn’t really a lie, rather a deliberate omission of a few details. I really was exhausted and tired and that probably was the reason for my weird mood.

“Ah, yeah. Me too,” he said, and nodded slowly.

We finally reached his house. His parents had apparently gone out for dinner and weren’t back yet, so we grabbed a couple of sodas and went straight to his room to get our homework done. His room wasn’t as big as mine, and he didn’t have a bathroom just to himself, but at least he didn’t have to share. The room itself was just like Ethan himself: Chaotic. It wasn’t filthy or messy, there were no huge piles of clothes or crumbs lying on the floor. It was just totally unorganized, like he had too many things that he just didn’t know where to put

His desk was buried under stacks of paper and the walls were virtually wallpapered with various posters. There was no structure in those posters either. There were posters of bands next to posters of animals or athletes. He had a playstation and the controllers were lying around on the ground, like they had just been left there five minutes ago and someone was going to come and pick them up to continue playing. I could see various sports gear in the corners and he even had some lego stuff on one of his overflowing shelves.

Altogether, it looked like he had grown up from a kid to a teenager in this room, and always added new things as he got older, but never bothered to remove anything. I stood in the doorway behind Ethan and for several seconds, I took all of this in, before I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.

“Well, this is my room. Probably not what you’re used to, but well…” Ethan said, and trailed off.

When I didn’t say anything right away, he cleared his throat and continued speaking. “Uhm, I hope it’s not too chaotic for you… I’ve seen that you’re a bit more organized than this.”

I quickly shook my head. “No, no, it’s fine. I kinda like it, actually.”

“Really?” He asked surprised.

“Yeah,” I said, and then I looked around the room once again. “It’s kinda just like you are, you know? Chaotic, full of colors, but somehow warm and nice.”

“Thanks,” he said with a smile. “So uhm, we should get started, I guess?” He moved over to his desk and started to clear the surface by just putting all the papers and books that were lying on it on the ground in the corner.

While he was working on that, he spoke again. “I’m really tired and since Jacob and I share most of our classes, I would suggest we just split the work and then copy from one another, as far as that works with our assignments?”

“Sounds fine to me,” I said. I wouldn’t usually do something like this. The point of homework was not to get it done so you could show the teacher you had it, but to actually learn something from doing it. However, I didn’t really care right then. I was too tired and exhausted, and besides, my thoughts were elsewhere. We sat down at his desk next to each other and started working in silence, only speaking when we had a question.

After about half an hour, there was a knock at the door. Ethan called “Come in”, and a middle-aged man opened the door.

“Hey dad,” Ethan greeted him with a yawn.

“Hey Ethan, hey Jacob,” his dad replied with a wave. “I just wanted to let you know that we are back. It’s already late, so make sure to go to bed soon.”

“Alright dad,” Ethan said. “We’ll just finish up the homework and crash. Don’t worry about us, we’re too beat to stay up all night anyway.”

“Okay, good night,” his father said. Ethan and I wished him a good night, too, and he left the room. Just then, my phone rang and I saw that it was Jacob. I did not want to disturb Ethan’s concentration, nor did I want Ethan’s parents to overhear me speaking with Jacob, so I told Jacob to wait, grabbed Ethan’s keys and sneaked out of the house to walk a bit.

When he told me about the trip to Washington, I groaned. I wanted to spend my weekend with Ethan, not with my grandparents. Just then, I realized that Jacob had probably never been to Washington. It was actually pretty cool there and my maternal grandparents were much nicer than my parents. We could kill two birds with one stone. I would get my weekend with Ethan and Jacob would get to go on a nice trip that I was sure he would really enjoy.

I excitedly told him about Washington and he finally agreed. Then I spoke about my worries regarding his parents and Ian. He promised that it would be alright, but it helped only momentarily. I saw that he really cared for me, and that gave me a great feeling, but it didn't disperse my doubts. We finally wished each other a good night and hung up. When I came back into Ethan’s room, he had already finished up his homework and gone to the bathroom. I quickly finished my own homework and when I was finally done, I grabbed my backpack and just then, Ethan came back.

He was only in his boxer briefs and a shirt and I allowed myself for a second or two to glance down at him, before I looked up to his face again and followed him so he could show me where the bathroom was. When I was done and came back to his room, Ethan was already lying in the queen size bed, staring at his nightstand.

He looked up at me as I entered, just like him in underwear and a shirt. I hadn’t been sure what to wear to bed, but since he had taken the lead, I decided to just go along with it.

“Uhm,” I started with a glance at his couch. “So, do you have like bedclothes for the couch or did you want me to share the bed with you or…?”

“Oh that,” Ethan said. “Uhm sorry, I didn’t really think about it. Jacob and I usually share the bed. I can get you something for the couch though, if you’d prefer that?”

“Uhm, the bed is alright; I guess,” I told him. I grinned. “No need to get up and do the extra work for the couch.” Okay, honestly: Sharing a bed with Ethan? Sounds like a dream come true. I practically had to force the grin off my face.

He smiled a little at that and then pushed back the second blanket on his bed as if to offer me the place on his right. I walked over, took off my shirt and slipped under the blankets.

“You comfy? Are you alright without the lights at night?” He asked softly.

After a day like this one, nothing was more rewarding than lying in a bed. It could have been a wooden pallet from the 17th century and I would have been comfy. “I’m fine,” I replied. “You can turn off the light, if you want to. I don’t mind either way.”

“Alright,” he said, and hit the switch over his nightstand.

I closed my eyes, but instead of nice thoughts about lying in bed with Ethan, everything that had happened during the day came rushing back to me: The morning, when I had greeted people all by myself, the shower I had taken after PE, talking to Cody at lunch and skipping school to meet with Jacob and the afternoon on the farm with Ethan. It had been a full day indeed. I had experienced more in one day than I usually did in a year. Then, however, I thought about Jacob’s parents and Ian, and I also thought about my parents and Jacob’s fellow students, especially Cody, and of course I thought about Ethan.

The pressure of all of that pressed down on me like an ocean and I let out an audible sigh. Then I felt how Ethan moved around in the bed and when I looked to the side, I saw that he had crawled up next to me. I couldn’t make out every detail, but it was a bright moon that night and some of that pale light was falling into the room. He was lying on his side, two feet away from me, maybe a little less, his head was propped up on his arm and his beautiful ocean blue eyes were watching me.

“What is bothering you, Josh?”

“Nothing,” I muttered.

“You can tell me,” he said soothingly. I felt his fingers brush against my arm and then he rested his hand on my shoulder. “Talking always helps, and whatever it is, I will keep it to myself. You can trust me.”

For a moment, I fought with myself, but then I decided to just let it out.