Running for Home - 56. February 14, 2022

February 14 2022

Well, my first day back teaching is over and I’m fucking exhausted. I didn’t expect it to be so tough. I felt ready over the weekend. It was stupid to think that coming back on Valentine’s Day was a good idea, though. Just another day full of stupidity and all our students acting ridiculous. And, of course, I’m teaching fucking Romeo and Juliet to my juniors right now. Of course. Ugh.

Basically things went exactly as I’d expected them to with all of my classes. To be honest, I’m surprised that my juniors behaved the way I thought they would. If this is how they behave on a ridiculous sappy commercialized holiday, then I should be mostly okay for how things go for the remainder of the year. There was a bit of drama with a very public break-up at lunch time, but most of the rest of the issues were just teens angsting over who they did and didn’t get attention from. Stupid Valentine’s Day.

Daniel came to talk to me after class today. He got a Valentine slid under his dorm room door this morning by some girl in the eighth grade. She somehow missed out the fact that he was outed back in October. He didn’t really know how to react. At first he was confused, then kind of angry because he thought she was rubbing shit in his face. He went and found her to ask about it and he said she looked really innocent about the whole thing, so he asked her if she knew he was gay. Apparently the girl turned the same shade of red as a candy apple. You have to admit, though, it takes guts for a thirteen year old to give an almost-sixteen year old a Valentine. Daniel joked that maybe he should take her on a date just to see what it’s like. I laughed along with him for a minute, but then turned serious. I told him that even though he thinks he’s gay - hell, is basically certain of it - it can be okay to experiment a bit if all parties are aware and willing. Obviously this girl wouldn’t be the right one to do anything with, both because of her feelings and the inappropriateness of her age. But with someone else his age or older, and maybe if he waits until college when people are more free about things and he isn’t stuck living in close quarters with the person he’s playing around with, maybe that could be successful. Daniel’s response to that was to make a face and tell me to never speak of him and a girl together, even in hypothetically, ever again. I got a good laugh out of that.

Daniel actually wasn’t there to talk about this girl, though. That was only a passing annoyance/amusement. What he really wanted to talk about was his roommate. I guess Daniel and Adam got into a fight on Saturday. Bobby created a skating rink for the students to use with supervision. I’d be lying if I said the adults didn’t enjoy it too, even if we had to keep track of the kids and keep them from acting like asshats. Anyway, Daniel was coming back into his room after skating and I guess Adam was in the middle of jerking off on his bed. Obviously, Adam freaked out. Daniel told me that Adam still was changing his clothing only in the bathroom or when Daniel was not in their room, so seeing him naked choking the chicken was far beyond what Adam could accept.

I guess they got pretty heated, with Adam blaming Daniel and telling him he shouldn’t just barge into the room like that, and Daniel rightly told him to fuck off. Adam said he was just trying to perv on him and Daniel told him that there was nothing to perv on with a pathetic piece of equipment like Adam’s. I guess Adam stormed out of there after he managed to get boxers and a T-shirt on. Daniel says he slept in another room - one of their formerly mutual friends’ - Saturday and Sunday night.

I asked Daniel if things are bad enough that he wants a different roommate. He told me that most of the time it’s okay and he can handle it, but it gets to him. At times like this, at times when Adam does stupid things it just makes him feel so worthless. But he knows he’s not doing anything wrong. He know’s there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just being the same old Daniel that he’s always been. The only difference is that now people know he’s gay. And suddenly there were tears streaking down his cheeks. He wiped at them furiously, until I pulled him into a hug. There, in my arms, he let go and started sobbing.

It’s so fucking unfair.

This reminded me that Bobby and I still haven’t given the school The Big Gay Talk. I asked Bobby about it over dinner because part of me figured Emma would have had some of the others do it while I was still recovering. She had made it clear it was a priority before Christmas. Well, it didn’t get done, so we are still stuck putting it on. I guess that’s for the best, since I would have been pissed if Bobby and I had sunk so much time developing the presentation and then someone else did it.

I need to ask Emma when she wants us to do this thing. Sooner rather than later, I hope. I want to get this thing off my back. It’s clearly needed. I’m not unrealistic about what kind of an effect it’s going to have, though. I know it will have an effect. It will make a difference, I’m certain. But a simple presentation isn’t going to solve all the problems like what’s going on with Daniel and Adam. It’s not going to stop all the jeers and the taunts and the rumors nor eliminate the kinds of fear and self-loathing that led to the debacle between Daniel and Connor. And the after effects of all these messes, the deeper psychological damage… It takes a lot more than a presentation to heal those wounds.

Fuck, I really should follow up with Connor soon, shouldn’t I? I have no idea how he’s been since New Years’. Hopefully he’s moved on from the suicidal part, though who the fuck knows. I let Emma know about our late night encounter before my time in L.A. (or should I call it Hell A now?). She hasn’t told me anything, but I’m sure she’s at least keeping track of him if not got him into some sort of counselling. Maybe even medication. Probably medication. He was in a bad, bad place. And today it’s Valentine’s Day. Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.

Sigh.

In case you are wondering, yes Bobby wanted to do something. I told him no way in hell were we doing anything, not today. If he wants to go out on a date… well, yeah, we can do that some time in the near future. You know, get off campus, have a half-decent dinner somewhere, go see a movie, hold hands, stare into each other’s eyes in the car at some make-out spot. Sure. Whatever. Just not today. Not on this stupid holiday.

Clearly I’m both completely unromantic and unrepentantly romantic, all at the same time. Yeah. At least I know I have some hot sex to look forward to tonight. I don’t know how far we will get, given I still feel tentative about everything, but I’m getting there. It’s helping that Bobby was a gay sex virgin until just recently. Yeah, we had that talk. He did go out to some gay bars and clubs a few times, but he hated being by himself and couldn’t really work up the gumption to take up some of the offers made to him. He didn’t have any interest whatsoever in going onto gay websites or hook-up apps to get some. He blushed and admitted that didn’t stop him from downloading a couple apps onto his phone and looking at the profiles out of curiosity. He considered flirting with someone, maybe even meeting up with them. Having sex. But when push came to shove he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t just go out on a limb and experience being with a man for the first time.

Well, I am his first. It feels great. It really does. I am Bobby’s first. But it makes me feel nervous, too, like someday he’s going to be wondering what more is out there. What other kinds of experiences he could have had. He told me he’s watched a lot of different porn over the last few years. We didn’t get too far into what he was watching and what he liked, but I’m sure we’ll have that discussion at some point. I feel stupid for being nervous about this. I trust him, I do, but the future is a long time and we all know my track record with men. I was a slut when I had the time in my early twenties. And then there was Dom. He was kind of stuck with me, then got sick of me. Clearly. Who’s to say that Bobby won’t get sick of me, too?

Fuck, we don’t even know what all Bobby likes yet. Whether he’s a top or a bottom or versatile or if that even fucking matters. Me? I’m versatile, so whatever he is I can make that work. As long as he’s willing to give some ground here and there just like I will. I’m game for trying things together. There are some bridges too far, but I get the sense that I won’t ever come near any of those with him. Or, if we do, that maybe he will be able to make me feel safe. And sexy. And loved.

Maybe Bobby will still surprise me tonight. I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s such a dork.