The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 12. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This chapter, and the rest of the story is dedicated to Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, who tragically took his life late last week. It sounds cliche, but growing up Chester inspired me to grow into who I'm becoming today. He wrote with hope, and emotion. Most importantly, his lyrics and music had a feeling of comfort among them. He undoubtedly was one of the first singers that came to mind when I was designing Ryder. Without him, I don't know if I'd be a writer, I don't know if I'd be into the music I'm into today, I don't know if I would've made it to today. Thank you Chester.

Also Important story news! So I've decided the story will be split between Ryder and Teddy's perspectives (Mainly focusing on Teddy's). There are just so many details behind Ryder and who he is, I feel that these things can only be expressed through his eyes. It should make the story a lot more fun, and make it feel a lot more real!

---------------------------------------------------------------Ryder---------------------------------------------------------------

I pulled away when our kiss broke, in shock of what had just happened. Had he leaned in to kiss me, or did I lean in to kiss him? Did he actually want to kiss me? Did I force it on him? I quickly moved my hand under my leg to hide my nervous tremble. I felt my eyes open and shut a few times as I tried to piece together whether the moment was real, or just another dream. It felt real, but it can’t be. Why would Teddy Haner kiss me? I mean sure we were having a sappy conversation, but still, I’m me and he’s…him.

A small smile cracked across his face as his normally wide eyes grew even wider. He saw me working the moment over in my brain, and was enjoying every second of it. He suavely ran his hand up through his clean cut hair. It was long, yet perfectly taken care of. The style reminded me of something you would see on a soccer players in the World Cup.

“So,” he cheerfully let out in an overly happy tone. “Was that a good first kiss or what?”

I felt him begin to scoot closer, but quickly backed up a bit. “It wasn’t my first kiss.” I nervously confessed in a low tone.

“Ryder Sullivan, are you lying to me right now?” he eagerly provoked.

I shook my head and wiped sweaty palms against my jeans. What’s the point in lying to him, he reads people like they’re books. His extremely happy eyes are so much more than welcoming, they’re a weapon. They can scan you in under a second and read everything you’re about to say or do. It’s like he’s a cat and everyone else in the world is a mouse. “I’m not.” I insisted. I jumped as he made another advance.

“What are you doing?” he giggled, shooting me an interested look as though I was playing some sort of game.

“I-I have to go.” I shook my head, feeling the far too familiar anxiety beginning to jump my bones. “I totally forgot my Grandma needs the car, and besides you have the party you should be going to, and…”

“Okay then I’ll follow you, and give you a ride back here.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Like I said, I don’t want to go to that party. I’ll just drop you back at home later tonight, easy as 1, 2, 3.”

“No!” I lashed out much louder than I intended. “I just have to work on the E.P. and then I have other work at the…it doesn’t matter. I just, I have to go home.” I nervously forced, trying my hardest to stay ahead of the oncoming attack.

“Is everything okay?” Teddy nervously scanned me with his knowing eyes. He can use them all he wants, but that weapon of his will never be able to predict my mind. Nothing will.

“I’m fine.” I lied and quickly headed towards the garage door.

“You don’t look fine,” he observed still trying to get a good read on me.

I shrugged my shoulders and kept moving. “What else is new?” I started tapping on the garage door button. I’ve gotten to know this house too well, I know how to get in, and out like it’s my own house. I know where most things are, and how to get them. I’m getting too comfortable here. This is starting to feel too normal. I have to let go before I get to close. Before it’s too late.

“I don’t even get a kiss goodbye?” He jokingly teased me trying to cheer me up. He’s caught on that I’m starting to lose it. I can see he notices my trembling. I can feel him trying to unravel me. “I’m just kidding Ryder.” He followed me to my car. “Look, I’m sorry if it was too early to kiss you. I just felt like…”

“It’s fine!” I repeated, pulling open the door and jumping into the driver seat. “I kissed you back, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but you seem so…”

“Then we’re okay. It’s all okay.” I took a deep breath and felt my heart begin to race faster in my chest. “I just, I’ll see you later okay?”

“Okay,” he shrugged, taking a few steps back. I heard some words from him, but couldn’t make them out as my focus went to turning on my car radio. “Okay Ryder?” He repeated himself in a loud voice as though he expected an answer.

“Yeah.” I quickly shook my head, trying to play it off as though I had heard him.

He let out a deep breath, and bit down on his lip. “What did I just say?”

“Why?” I groaned, trying my hardest to escape the moment.

“I said to text me when you get home so I know you’re safe, okay?” He sighed in a worried tone.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” I shook my head and lightly let my foot off the brake.

“I’m serious Ryder!” He shouted as I began to roll away. “If I don’t get that text, I’m driving over to check on you!”

I rolled my eyes, but knew he was being serious. Instead of replying I turned the music up, and sped away as fast as the crappy 2003 Honda Accord would take me. I slowly felt my mind begin to escape me as the cemetery appeared on the horizon. The sweat from my palms began to coat the steering wheel as the last few miles passed.

The sound of the dirt road under my tires seemed to explode from the ground as I pulled in and up to my house. I couldn’t help but shake as I jumped out of the car. Surrounded by death, just like every other day of my life. I wonder how much longer until I wind up in one of those holes. My body slowly made its way towards a familiar pair of stones. It was as though I couldn’t control myself, as if I was being moved by some other force. As I grew close enough to make out the names I snapped back into place, and began to pull myself away.

“Visiting your parents?” My grandma called out from the porch, in an effort to help me regain control. Like I said, nothing could predict my mind, but if there is any person that comes close, it’s her.

I lightly shook my head and began to ascend the small creaky staircase leading up to the house. “Not today.”

“Okay.” She nodded in understanding. “What are you all worked up about today?” She smiled, grabbing a hold of my face and taking a long look into my shaking eyes.

“I’m not ‘all worked up’.” I groaned, trying desperately to escape her grasp.

“Your words say one thing, but your eyes say another.” She observed, taking a long look at me. “Eyes are…”

“Windows to the soul.” I finished in a sigh. “I know. I hear it a million times a day.”

“Well that’s because you live amongst the souls.” She explained, keeping her focus on me. “If you sit quiet enough, you can hear them calling out to you.”

“Grandma!” I exhaled, as my anxiety from before began to return.

“Listen to them Ryder.” She instructed in a wise voice. “They know so much more than any of us.”

“If they did, they’d still be alive.” I pulled away, finally escaping her touch.

“Ryder…” She softly let out, knowing the ‘they’ I was referring to. I shook my head before I could listen to any more of her optimistic nonsense and entered the house. She cares about me, I know she does. But she spews so much bullshit to try and make me feel better. She feeds me cliché after cliché, thinking that some empty sentence will make me feel better, but I know that in the end, nothing will make me feel better.

As I entered my room I pulled the thin notebook out of my pocket and began to tear away everything I had written before leaving for Teddy’s game. I can’t be like her. I can’t write in clichés or hallmark cards. I need to be better than that. I need to write lyrics that can save someone. I need to be there for people. I need to.

I looked down at the floor, crowded with small paper balls, and shook my head. I’m so useless. I can’t even write a simple song without fucking up. How much time have I wasted writing useless lyrics that will never be sung? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even try?

I felt my head fall to my arms as my doubts began to swarm my mind, and let out a blood curdling scream in an effort to block them out.

“Ryder!” My grandma shouted from down the hall. “Did you take your medicine this morning?”

I heard her begin to shout something else, but threw on headphones before I could make it out. I ripped a stray guitar from its stand and turned the amp up. The second my hand strummed against the strings my headphones began to vibrate on my head. I needed to numb the thoughts, at least for right now. The racing heart, the sweaty palms, the aching mind, the shortness of breath…it’ll all come in second to the roaring echo now blasting in my head.

My hands began to work faster than my mind could process as I wrote riff after riff, stopping every now and again to throw down whatever lyrics I could manage. It was a chaotic process, but it’s my process. Every now and again involuntary screams would escape my lips. I knew my grandma could hear them, but she never minded as long as she thought I was safe. She knows how I am. She knows who I am.

Finally, as I placed the guitar down and pulled the headphones off my head, I could feel the anxiety from earlier coming back for revenge. It rushed me all at once, overloading me in ways that seem worse every time, until finally it turns into what I can only describe as a flat line. A static that overtakes my mind.

After a few minutes of silence, my grandma entered my room and checked the pill case that laid on my night stand. “You took your pills this morning.” She gasped in surprise. “Then what has you like this?” She asked, trying her hardest to fix my hair into place. “Were they making fun of you again?” She tried her hardest to keep eye contact. “Did they hit you?” She tried to get any answer she could. “I know you care about your friend, but maybe you should stay away from his games. Just until everything can calm down.” She sounded defeated. “You’re not going too, though are you?” She analyzed, knowing how to carry the one-sided conversation. “Why do you let them torture you like this?” Once again her questions met silence.

“Oh Ryder!” She exhaled, directing her attention to the crumbled papers near her feet. “Why do you throw away your work like this?” She went to pick it up, but second guessed herself as my eyes stared down at her hands. “You’re writing is beautiful” She encouraged me and laid a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I’ll leave your dinner in the fridge if you get hungry later. For now, try and rest.”

I felt her began to apply pressure to my chest and I gave in as my body began to fall back onto the bed. A million thoughts flooded my head, and yet I couldn’t make out a single one. There was too much in there that needed to be figured out. Why did Teddy kiss me? Why would he do that, but not stand up for me? He apologized, and said he would next time, but he’s said he would before today. Can I even trust him? No. It’s better not to. It’s better to keep to myself. It’s better to keep my head down. I’ll get too comfortable with him. I’ll get attached, and he’ll leave. He was lying when he said he cared about me. He was lying when he said we weren’t all that different. He was lying when he said he wants to join me in a van. This whole time he’s done nothing but lie. That kiss, it didn’t mean anything. It was fake, just like him.

“Ryder!” I heard the peppy tone call out as my door creaked open. Did I fall asleep? Am I losing my mind? That sounds like… “You never texted.” The voice spoke again, as though it was coming from another dimension. “I must’ve sent 20 texts, and called you 10 times, what gives?” The voice demanded. It almost sounded concerned. ‘It can’t be Teddy!’ a part of me argued. ‘He doesn’t actually care.’

“Are you mad at me?” The voice asked, growing louder. “I’m sorry I kissed you, I just…” The voice froze as I turned towards the speaker with confused eyes. I’m not dreaming? I took a long blink before reopening my eyes and reached out to the figure near my bed.

“What are you doing?” He giggled, not sure if I was playing around. He went to reach for my hand but hesitated, until I forced it a little further. I decided I must have been awake when I felt his hand grasp mine. “Oh, that’s right.” He muttered to himself, connecting the dots on the mood I was in. “Does this have to do with before?” He asked me and pulled a chair over with his spare hand.

“No.” I lied, finally speaking.

I heard him swallow hard. He tried to hide his surprise from my voice. “ Maybe I should be more specific. Is this because of our conversation before?”

“No.” I repeated, forcing the words out of my body.

“From our kiss?”

“No.”

“From the game?”

“No.”

“Then from what?” He groaned as his spare hand fell to his head. For the first time in my life I saw Teddy Haner begin to show weakness.

“Why?” I asked, watching his hand fall back down to his side.

“Because, it’s not right that they…”

“No.” I shook my head. “Why do you look worried?”

He took a second to pull together an answer and then smiled. “Because I am worried.” He lightly laughed. “I never want to see anyone I care about look this sad, and yet, here I am.”

“Care about?” I repeated, more to myself than him.

Confusion replaced worry on his face as my words hit him. “Did you hit your head on the drive home?” He teased me, trying to get a better look in my eyes. “Did you forget the whole conversation we had at my house?”

“But you didn’t mean any of that.” I shrugged, turning on my back so I didn’t have to look at him.

“Where the hell did you get that?” He began to grow serious, but I couldn’t find the words to answer his question. “Is that what you’ve been telling yourself?” He smiled again an d scooted the chair a little bit closer. “That’s not true.” He shook his head. “Why would I kiss you if I didn’t mean it?”

Suddenly I felt laughter fill the dark room. Is he mocking me? Is this all just a joke to him? “What am I going to do with you?” He sighed through his laughter. “When I tell you I like you, you don’t believe me. When I kiss you, you convince yourself I was trying to play you. What are you going to do after our first date?” I kept quiet, trying my hardest to connect the dots on what he was saying. “I guess I just need to follow you everywhere.” He continued, trying his hardest to create as much light as possible.

He leaned over me and planted a kiss on my lips. “Convince yourself whatever you want, but at the end of the day, I’ll be right here sitting next to you.” He gripped my hand tightly.

“You’ll just leave like everyone else.” I finally managed as our eyes reconnected.

“Maybe I will one day.” He tried his hardest not to feed me lies. “I have no idea what the future holds. But wouldn’t it suck if we never found out?” He graced me with another smile. “Like I said this afternoon, stop thinking about it all so much. Just let it happen.”

“I can’t.” My brain began to shut down again. “Everything I touch falls apart.”

“Really? Because I feel fine.” He shrugged. “Come with me. You have an E.P. to work on, and dates to go on. You don’t have time for self-pity.”

“But what if I…”

“But what if you give it a chance?” He cut me off. “What if it all works, and ends happily ever after.”

“But what if…”

“But what if you don’t spend the rest of your life asking, ‘what if?’” He finally connected with me. “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather fail trying than never find out at all.”

“That’s because you’re perfect.” I groaned as he began to gently stroke my hand.

“And you’ve got me wrapped around your finger.” He explained, with a soft smile. “So, if you can get ‘Mr. Perfect’ to fall so hard for you, then why can’t get everyone else to?”

This time I fell quiet. Not because of my depression and anxiety, but because of my surprise. No one knows he came all this way to check on me. No one knows how much he’s trying to help me. Even if they did, no one would care. Yet here he is, in a small dark room in the middle of a local cemetery, holding my hand.

“Tomorrow’s a new day Ryder.” Teddy insisted as his voice returned to its happy tone. “And I’ll be right here with you, every step of the way.“