Changes - 5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Six weeks later…

The gods were with us for a change, in that our house sold and we got the keys for the new one, with a couple of weeks to spare, before Don was ready to leave rehab.

I had most of the old place packed and had arranged for movers to come the week before Don would be leaving the hospital. Tight schedule, but I wanted his home ready when he got there.

I’d arranged for the barn to be renovated much earlier, thanks to the kindness of the previous owners. Don’s office and kitchenette would be ready for him too.

The new house itself needed little doing to it. Our furniture, knick knacks and other stuff fit in perfectly. One bedroom I used as storage because I needed Don, well, wanted him there to help decide what to do with things. Our bedroom was much bigger than our old one, and it was nice to have all that space. Also left in situ by the previous owner was an overhead trapeze. I purchased a transfer board like the one Don was learning to use so he could get himself in and out of bed. I knew he’d want to do that alone.

Truth of it was, he’d want to be as independent as he could be, and this house offered him lots of opportunity for that.

Rena had moved into her granny cottage happily. She seemed to be enjoying it. We didn’t see each other every day, but I did see her arrive home with a man in tow, on a couple of occasions. A boyfriend? Good, she deserved a good man and a sex life.

The only ones who needed a sex life now were my husband and me! That had me worried though. Donny had been withdrawn for weeks and it seemed even worse lately. Where previously he’d ask me to cuddle, he didn’t want to snuggle or kiss much, not like we had.

I was frustrated and we needed to talk about it. I didn’t want to press him, but it was like the biggest elephant in the room. I have needs, not just for intercourse; I needed to know he cared. Lately there were no passionate kisses, no quick gropes that used to make us giggle like kids, so I doubted there’d be anything like oral or anything else. I kept trying to believe that it would all work out. I had to believe that.

***

The day Don came home turned out to be bright and sunny. We’d arranged for special transport, and I paced around the house nervously. I knew he’d love it but I still straightened this, or adjusted that. Rena sat with me, and I joined her in a big smile as I realized what a dingus I was being.

“Louis, the house is lovely. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks. I know. I’m just so nervous.”

“He’ll love it. You’ve made it feel like home.” Rena put her arm around my shoulders.

“Sure hope you’re right, Rena.”

“I am. Things will be better once he’s home and settled.”

When I didn’t reply right away she took my chin and moved my head until I faced toward her. “Louis? What is it?”

After swallowing and a sigh I said, “I’m really worried. Donny’s been so different toward me in the last few weeks. He turns away from kisses, doesn’t want to hold hands, never hugs me or touches me unless I ask him to. I don’t know what to do about it.”

She squeezed me tighter. “He’s likely nervous about coming home too, and well, maybe he’s worried that he won’t fulfill your needs … in bed ….”

That made sense, but also it didn’t. We’d talked about this before the accident, like couples in love often do; saying that we were more than just our sex life. That we’d still love each other if sex became less of a thing for us … but talk is cheap; it’s real life that counts and frankly our sex life was a big thing for us both.

“You’re probably right. I shouldn’t worry, should I? Donny’s coming home and that’s all that matters right now.”

We sat on the old sofa in our new living room waiting for Don to come home, until finally we heard the ambulance pull up.

I opened the front door, aware that Rena was close behind me.

The lift lowered Don to the ground and the driver pushed him up the ramp toward us. He waved and grinned happily.

All of me wanted to believe Donny wanted to be here, but there was doubt in the back of my mind. I tried to push it away.

The driver delivered my nearest-and-dearest to me, and I thanked him, as did Donny. After the man walked down our stairs and jumped into his vehicle, I bent to kiss my husband.

“Welcome home, baby.”

Don kissed back and hugged me. “Thanks, babe. I can’t wait to see it. It’s good to be home.”

I wheeled him in and closed the door. Rena too kissed her boy and hugged him.

“Well, I’m going to let you two discover your new home together. I’ll see you later.” Rena shrugged her cardigan on.

After a quick glance at me, Don said, “Mom, stay. You don’t need to go.”

She smiled at him. “Well, yes I do. Things have changed at bit in my life and I’ve met someone. Robert is his name. I have a dinner date in a few hours. I thought I’d indulge in a little nap and then a bath before that. So, you see, I do have to go.”

“Aw, Mom, that’s terrific! Sure, of course. Love to meet him when you’re ready to introduce Robert to your impressionable child.” Don giggled.

Rena responded with a thwack on the head and a kiss. “See you both later!”

“Bye, Mom.”

“Have a nice afternoon and dinner, Rena. See you later on.”

After the back door closed, I reached for Don’s hand and squeezed. I returned it and led him through the house.

He checked out the kitchen and was impressed, however, he’d never spent much time in the room when he was able-bodied. I didn’t expect that would change.

“Oh, babe, this elevator is great!” Don rolled himself in and spun around. He pressed two.

The machine started its slow journey up, and Don gazed up at me. “The house is great, Lous. You and Mom picked perfectly.”

“I’m glad you like it, Donny.” I squeezed his shoulder. “I hope you like the rest.”

I showed him the spare rooms and then opened the door to our bedroom. “Well, here it is. I hope you like it.”

I let him roll in on his own. He looked around, moved around through it. “Oh… you put in the trapeze and stuff … that’s great.”

It didn’t sound great. “You don’t like it, Don?”

“It’s not that. It’s … well, I know I need it, but I don’t want it, ya know?”

“I get it.” I sat on the bed to be at eye-level. “It’s just a tool, baby. That’s all.”

“Sure, you’re right.”

I got to my feet and said, “Come on. Let’s go see the bathroom.”

As he moved into the room, he exclaimed, “Wow. This is wonderful. Everyone should have a bathroom like this. No need to worry about dripping!”

“Easy to clean too. And maybe have a bit of fun.” I leaned down to kiss him; he responded with a peck. Or maybe not so fun then.

That hurt. I left him in the bathroom and returned to the bedroom. There was laundry I’d done earlier that needed putting away, so I busied myself with that. I could feel all my frustration building.

When Don rolled in to join me he asked if he could help.

“Sure, you finish folding this stuff if you want. I’ll go downstairs and put the kettle on and make us a drink. Tea okay with you?” I wanted to get out of there. I was tense, the frustrations of the last few months felt like water behind a slowly crumbling dam. I wouldn’t be able to patch the holes any longer.

“Yes. Lous … Louis, can we talk?”

“Fine, we can talk.” I stopped. I suddenly felt angry … so angry. It was wrong, but it had been sitting there for weeks. How many times had I tried to approach him, and now suddenly he’s ready to talk!

I dropped the t-shirt I’d been fumbling with, bent down and said, “We can talk just like we kiss, just like we hold each other. That’s how we’ll fucking talk, Don.”

After straightening up, I marched out of the room. I could hear Don call me, but I took the stairs down and stomped into the kitchen. I picked up the kettle and squeezed the handle until my hand hurt. I so wanted to throw it, but didn’t. Instead I filled it, replaced it on its stand and turned it on.

I heard the elevator doors open and was tempted, childishly, to run back up the stairs to avoid him. Rather than doing that, I put teabags in the pot and then poured water over them, mashed the bags gently and then left it all to steep.

“Louis.”

I gripped the counter, and then turned around. “Yes, Don. Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m not hungry. I want to talk to you. Please.”

Breathing deeply I answered, “You go into the living room, I’ll bring in the tea.”

I carried in our mugs and placed them on the coffee table. I placed Don’s at the end, as he remained in his wheelchair. I sat on the sofa at the end nearest him.

“So, what are we going to discuss?”

“Lous, please.”

“Please what?”

“You seem angry.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Why?”

“Why? Lots of reasons, Donny. My life is messed up, I’ve had to move, and my husband avoids me. The third one is the worst, you avoiding me.”

Don sighed and hung his head. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been withdrawn. I’m afraid, Lous. Afraid I’m not going to be enough for you anymore.”

“You’ll never know if you won’t even kiss me, or touch me.”

Don put his mug down with a clunk on the glass-top table. “Don’t you get it? I can’t make love, nothing down there ….”

“And you think that’s all that matters to me?” God, I was frustrated. “You think that your dick is all that’s important? That that is how I measure what we have? Like you topping is all there is?”

“Lous ….”

I got to my feet, walked around the coffee table and gazed out the front window. After a few deep breaths and a minute of silence, I turned around and sat on the windowsill. “You know that song, Bad Romance, by Lady Gaga?”

Don had a quizzical look on his face. “Yeah.”

“I heard it the other day. When she sang, ‘I want your ugly. I want your disease.’ I got it. I understood what she meant—I want you, Don—no matter what.”

I went then and knelt in front of him. I took his hands in mine. “Donny, I have always loved you … always. I still love you. You are my man. There are other ways to show we love each other. I know you remember, blowjobs, hand jobs, and I remember you edging me till I cried. We just need to explore each other again. Yeah, fucking is great, but would you dump me if it were me where you are?”

“No, of course I wouldn’t.”

I hugged him then and his arms encircled me. “Lous, I’m sorry.”

“No … no sorrys. Just don’t shut me out.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he whispered. “It’s just a bit of an adjustment.”

I kissed him and he responded, pulling me tight. “I know, baby. We’ll just be patient. Take things one day at a time.”

Don carried a transfer board in a pocket on his chair. He used it to move himself onto the sofa.

Once he was settled, he put his arm around me, and I snuggled into his warm body. His arms and chest felt as muscular and strong as ever.

He settled his head against mine. “I love you, Lous. Please try and be patient with me. So much has changed. There’s so much to get used to, to learn. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, Donny. I’m going nowhere, but I need to know we’re okay.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying being close. Then I sat up, and Don cocked his head. “What?”

“Oh, I saw something on TV a few days ago. There was a sex therapist on.”

Don raised his eyebrows.

“Well, she said that to stay close, couples should French kiss every day.”

Donny grinned. “Did she now?”

I nodded.

“Well then Louis, I think we have some kissin’ to do.”

I shuffled around and closed my eyes as his lips touched mine. His arms pulled me close, and I held on. Soft kisses grew insistent, and his tongue pushed its way to mine. Donny tugged me over, and I straddled him.

We kissed for several minutes before we finished with soft ones and a loving hug. I leaned against his chest.

“Baby, I love you.” He mumbled into my neck, “I’ve missed this.”

I held him tighter. “Me too, Donny.”

After several minutes more, I climbed off and retook my seat beside him. I picked up and sipped my now-cool tea. Don did the same, with only a small grimace, but I never minded cold tea, with or without milk.

I broke our silence first. “After this, let’s go look at your office.”

“I’d like that.” Don placed his mug on the table. “It would be good to write again, do something useful.”

“I think you’ll like the office and the little kitchenette. There’s even a small bed in there for you if you feel the need to rest. If you want, we could put in some gym equipment.”

“Aw, babe. I’m sure it’s perfect. More than I’m used to, that’s certain. You and Mom did so much for me; for us,” Don said. “I’m going to call Harry in the next few days and see what’s happening at work. I’m assuming I still work there.”

I reached for Don’s hand and held it. “He called a few times and visited the hospital during the first weeks. When I told him that you were awake, he said he’d give us time and space but that your job would be ready when you were. I nearly broke down when he said that, and each time they sent you flowers or donations on your behalf.”

“Wow, how good of them.”

“Yeah.” I swallowed the final mouthful and took our mugs to the kitchen. “Can you reload your chair and then we’ll go look at the office.”

Don chuckled, as he used the transfer board to move himself onto his wheelchair. “Ready for firing!”

My turn to laugh. I bent and kissed his cheek. Then we left the house and followed the paved path to the barn-slash-office.

I unlocked the door, and Don wheeled himself in. I handed him the keys. We stopped just inside. Nothing was said as Don peered around, and then wheeled himself forward. To the right was a little kitchen with a sink, fridge and counter at the height for his convenience. Beyond the kitchen lay the small rest area.

In that compact room, was a bed, a table and the washroom. It was peaceful in there too, with a built-in stereo and flat screen TV.

To the left was a fully appointed office. His laptop and computer sat on the desk, which was adjustable to various heights. There was also a printer. In front of him was a large picture window. This contained internal blinds to control the light and could be closed to reduce distraction.

Don moved to each space and checked things out, turning on the television and music. He opened the refrigerator, which was stocked with his favourite soft drinks and juices.

He wheeled up to the desk and tried the controls, moving the desk down to the preferred height.

Finally, he turned to me with a huge smile. “Lous, this is amazing. It’s beyond anything I’d hoped for. You did an incredible job in here. Thank you so much, baby.”

My heart leapt in my chest. He likes it! I’d been so worried that it would upset him. I smiled back. “I’m happy it’s right, Don. I just wanted you to want to be out here.”

“Oh, babe. This is so much better than my old office. Wow!” He grinned happily as he rolled around, and went to the rest area and checked out the contents of the fridge a second time. “Just great.”

The rest of that day we spent talking and making dinner. Afterwards, we watched television until bedtime.

We showered in our massive wet room and then finally found ourselves in bed.

I snuggled into Don’s shoulder, and his arm went around me. It felt warm and his scent was comforting and right. I slipped my arm over his chest and hugged him. He kissed my forehead.

Tilting my head back, I caught his lips. He stopped for a second, but then kissed me. His tongue slipped past my lips, and I know I groaned. I was hard instantly and I pressed myself again his thigh.

Don’s kisses continued until we were both moaning. I played with his nipples and his hard belly. I was afraid though to let my hand roam farther. Finally, I did. I slid it down his leg to his inner thighs. I’d just gently touched his balls, when his body stiffened and he grabbed my wrist.

“No!” He pushed me away.

“Donny ….”

“No! Don’t you understand?” He’d shoved me away from him completely now. “My dick doesn’t work! Fuck! I only had to think of you before and I’d be hard. Now it doesn’t matter.”

I could only stare at him. I whispered, “I’m sorry. I ….” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, but I may as well have been kissing stone. I turned over and reached for the light switch.

My hot tears fell silently until I fell into a light sleep. I didn’t hear a sound from Don.

***

Light filtered into the bedroom in the morning. I lay still, with my back to my husband. I didn’t know if he’d welcome my touch or kiss. I didn’t know what to do about any of this.

The bed moved as Don reached for the trapeze overhead to pull himself up. He slid out of bed onto his chair and rolled into the bathroom.

I sat up and scrubbed my face with my palms. My eyes felt sore and prickly. It was Saturday, but I didn’t want to be home.

Suddenly the bathroom door opened and Don rolled out. He stopped, his eyes on me, watching. Finally, I turned my head to look at him. I forced myself to smile.

“I’ll just dress and then make coffee.”

He rolled forward a couple of turns. “Lous,” he whispered.

I stood and tugged on my jeans. He came closer until he was beside me. He reached out, touched my stomach, and pushed my denims down to my knees.

“Donny ….”

“Shhhh, my beautiful baby.” He took my hardening dick in his hand and stroked it gently. I moaned and then he pulled me closer and took me in his mouth.

It was moist and hot and Don sucked me, swallowed me, caressed my balls and it wasn’t long before I came. After gently stroking me as I softened, he finally pushed me to sit on the bed and kissed me, his mouth salty with remnants of me.

His amber eyes were on mine when he said, “I’m sorry. Louis, I’m so sorry.”

“No. Please don’t do that, Donny. Don’t apologize; none of this is your fault.”

“You deserve so much more, Lous.” He reached forward to hug me. I slipped my arms around him.

“I just want you, Donny.”

He pulled back and met my gaze. “I don’t know how to get past this babe. Part of my love for you was physical. How do we do without that?”

I felt helpless. How did he feel? He was right; so much of who we are was tied to sex. We’d talked about this and yet here we were again, nowhere.

I felt scared. “Do you want us to split up?”

“No. Shit, no, Louis.”

I pulled up my jeans, zipped them and pulled on a t-shirt.

He grabbed my left hand and twisted my wedding ring. “Lous, we put these on for better or worse. I guess this is about as worse as it can get. I don’t know how you feel. I know I don’t feel like I can satisfy you or your needs. I think we need to talk about it.”

I sat again, as relief nearly made my knees buckle. “Okay, yeah of course.”

“We need to talk. But I think we need to see someone.”

“Like counselling, you mean?”

“Yes, someone who can help me see some light, because right now the future is pretty dark.”

I squeezed his hand. “Donny, I love you. We’ve gotten through so much. I’ll do whatever to make sure we get through this too.” I thought for a minute. “I think we need to make sure we’re honest with each other. Not hide stuff.”

“Yeah, makes sense.”

“So, then … I think we should go and see your doctor.”

Donny’s brow furrowed. “Why?”

“Well, maybe he can recommend someone to help us. He can also give us information and answer questions. I just think it’s a good place to begin this … journey.”

“Okay … so, let’s make an appointment. I gotta talk to work too.”

My chest felt tight. “They held your job.”

“They did, but I have some ideas I’d like to run by Harry. You should come too. I’d like your support.”

“Yeah, okay. Make an appointment with your doc and then see if Harry can see us the same day."

So, he did just that. However, we ended up with Doctor Robinson on Thursday the first week … and then Tuesday the following week we’d see Harry at 9am at the magazine and 2pm to see the therapist. In between, we’d shop and have lunch out together.

During the week, we spent time together when we could. I was back at work full time and Don was having coffee with his mom and doing some writing in his office each day. I was glad he enjoyed the office.

Bedtime had gotten more comfortable. We’d cuddle together and kiss. There were no more blowjobs though, and more often than not, I ‘took care’ of myself when I was on my own. I didn’t feel resentful, just a bit sad.

I missed it. I know Don did too. Donny was my alpha; he’d always topped. There were other ways for us to express physical love, but would he be happy with that? Right now I was afraid to approach him, and he said nothing. This was not working and I was determined we’d discuss it with the doctor and counsellor. Don was my husband, and my marriage and he, were the most important things in my life.

***