Changes - 6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Sporting Men Magazine had been generous enough to keep Don’s position as a staff writer open for him. They had sent cards and flowers to the hospital, and I know his editor dropped in to see Don a couple of times.

We arrived for our appointment with Harry von Stahle on time. Harry was a tall, slim man who had once been a professional high jumper. Clothes hung on him as they do on very slim people. I always thought he was hot. Today was no exception, except that he was wearing jeans and a cotton sweater. I couldn’t help but lick my lips. Don knew I thought Harry was attractive. He grinned up at me from his chair and I turned pink and smiled back.

“Don! Good to see you!” Harry glided forward and shook Don’s hand.

“Harry. Thanks for seeing us today.”

Harry then turned to me. “Louis, how are you? You’re looking well.”

“I’m not too bad, thanks.” I smiled at Harry as I shook his hand. I’m sure it was my imagination, but Harry seemed to hold on just that little bit too long. I gently removed my hand from his grip, but his eyes flashed and the message was unmistakable. However, I forced myself to look away. I hoped Don hadn’t seen anything.

I decided to excuse myself, and went back out to the waiting room. It was better that Don and Harry have a chance to talk about things. Both of them protested and said I should stay. I thought it best, considering I couldn’t keep my eyes off Harry, and my dick wasn’t having the purest thoughts either.

After grabbing a cup of the complimentary coffee, I sat on the black leatherette sofa and picked up the latest issue of Sporting Men. Not my thing usually, but there were good articles sometimes. I like the personal interest stories myself.

I’d made it about halfway through the magazine, when Harry’s door opened. Don rolled out, with Harry right behind him.

I stood up, and Don smiled broadly. “Lous, I’m just going to Human Resources. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Do you want to come with me, or you can stay and talk to Harry?”

Harry smiled at me sweetly.

Geez, he’s so hot. I miss sex. Me, with Harry? One night? Stop it, Louis! It is not worth it.

I pulled my gaze from Harry’s gorgeous blue eyes and knowing smile, and took Donny’s hand. “I’ll come with you, baby. Just in case.”

Just in case, my lips end up on Harry’s!

“Okay.”

Harry walked us to the door. Don rolled through it first and I moved behind him.

“Don, I look forward to seeing your first article. Call me if you need anything; that goes for you too, Louis.”

I turned briefly and smiled, and then grabbed the handles of Don’s chair. “I’ll push you, babe.”

“Thanks, Lous.”

I kissed the top of his head.

After the quick visit to Human Resources, we made our way to the local mall.

I pushed Don up to the main entrance where a nice man held the door for us. “Thanks very much.”

“You’re welcome.”

We walked on looking at the clothes stores until Don said, “You hungry, Lous?” I am.”

I kissed the top of his head; again. “Then let’s eat, baby. I’m feeling a bit peckish.”

Don settled at one of the tables set up for wheelchairs, and I went to order our food. We’d decided on cabbage rolls and perogies served with rye bread. It was comfort food and I ate every mouthful.

As Don wiped up the tomato sauce from his plate with the last slice of rye, he said, “I’m nervous about this counselling stuff, Lous.”

I dropped my napkin onto my empty plate, leaned back and rubbed my full stomach. “I know, baby. Me too, but we shouldn’t be. God, we know each other pretty well, don’t you think?”

Don reached for my hand, which I gave happily. His was dry and warm, he had callouses from the wheels on his chair. They just turned me on.

Oh, baby, I want you so, so bad.

“Yeah, you’re right. With some of the stuff we’ve done together, why be shy now?” He drank the remainder of his iced tea and then pointed to mine. I grinned at him and nodded. He looked at me intently. “You know I love you, right? I want this to all be a dream, Lous. I know it’s not, but I want it to be. It’s so hard, so unfair, not to me, but to you.”

“I’m okay, Donny. Yeah, sure things are different, hard I guess. But we’ll find our way through, like always.” I squeezed his hand. “I love you too.”

“Remember when I suggested you take a lover?”

I swallowed. “Yeah, I remember, but Don that’s not—”

He squeezed my hand harder. “Lous, I’m serious. I saw how Harry looked at you. He’d love you in his bed. He’d be good for you. Trust me, he’d love someone who can’t marry him, who just wanted sex.”

My lungs seemed to have stopped working; I couldn’t take in air.

Don smiled. “Yes, it would be weird … but you’d get what you need. What I can’t give you.”

I found my voice finally. “Don … baby. I am not going to sleep with Harry or anyone but you. I love you.”

“Well, I think it’s a solution.”

“Seriously? You’d be okay with me kissing you goodbye, getting in the car, going to Harry’s place? Getting laid and then coming back home to you? What, every Friday night?” I was still holding his hand but I couldn’t believe we were talking about this. “You know if the tables were turned, I … I … I just couldn’t do that, Donny.”

“Well, babe, it’s unlikely that would happen now, isn’t it?”

He was frustrating me. “Okay, I won’t lie. I miss sex, a lot. But I miss it with you! Don, if I had a lover, it would end us. Maybe not right away, but eventually it would. I don’t care what I have to give up, as long as we stay together.”

Don squeezed my hand. “Lous, if you’re not ready yet, it’s fine. The offer and my understanding will always be there. I’ve never been possessive of you, or jealous, and that isn’t likely to change.”

I rose and leaned over the table to kiss him. He lingered for a moment and the tip of his tongue brushed mine. It was a very sexy kiss and made want him more. I think I moaned softly; he broke away abruptly.

“Louis, I’m sorry.”

I sat down with a thump. “Sorry? Sorry for what? That was great.”

“I don’t want to lead you on … make you think …. Shit, Louis, the truth of it is I can’t perform sexually. I don’t want to turn you on and then … then there is nothing.”

“Donny, fucking isn’t all there is, you know.”

Don just looked away. This conversation was going nowhere. I swallowed my frustration; this was supposed to be a pleasant day.

“Don, let’s get going, okay? We need to buy a couple of things and get going to our appointment.”

I put our trash together and tossed it in the closest garbage bin. Don had rolled over to meet me.

“Baby, I hope I didn’t upset you.”

I kissed his head. “No, I’m not upset. Let’s save this for our appointment. Right now, I need a new pair of casual shoes!”

He tilted his head back and looked up at me. “Okay, Lous, we have our mission! Let’s get going!”

I grinned and pushed. While I went into the shoe store, Don said he’d roll around this floor of the mall.

I nodded. “Okay. I’ll try not to be too long. You have your phone, right?”

“Yes, my love. I do.”

“Okay. See you in a few.”

Unfortunately, the store was busy and it took longer than I thought. Don had returned just as I was paying.

Time was getting a little short, so we made our way back to the van, loaded Don in, and I got in the driver’s side. Our appointment wasn’t too far away.

The therapist’s office was lush and full of flowering and non-flowering plants. I examined the orchids closely. They are such an oddly beautiful flower.

“Mr. Taylor and Mr. McPhee?” the receptionist stood by the door to the office. “Mr. Jones will see you now.”

Don rolled towards it and I fell in behind him. I squeezed his shoulder to let him know I was there.

Benjamin Jones was a rotund man. That was what you first saw, but he was also bright and compassionate, and in his own way, extremely sexy.

I settled in an overlarge, buttery leather chair, Don was next to me. The doctor moved around and sat on the edge of his desk, facing us.

“Sexual therapy is a large part of what I do. I understand from your physician’s report that … Don … may I call you that?”

Donny nodded.

“Thank you. I see that you initially had some sensation, but it has diminished, is that right?”

“Yes. I was so happy when I came to in the hospital … and that, well, my dick seemed to work.”

“I can understand that. I think most men would.”

Don glanced at me and then at Jones. “Since I can’t perform in bed, I think Louis should take a lover.”

Geezus, Donny! Blunt, much?

If he was surprised, the doctor didn’t show it, and then Jones turned to me. “How do you feel about that?”

I swallowed. “I’ve said I don’t agree. I think we need more time to let Don heal properly. And I think there’s more to us than just sex.”

“I see.”

“Doc, Louis needs to see the light. A lover would ensure he got the sexual release we all need. It’s good for us.”

Nodding, Jones said, “It is good. But putting pressure on a spouse about performance, or what you think Louis needs, isn’t good. What do you both want from your relationship? Has it only been about sex all this time?”

I spoke up. “I love Don. For right now at least, I don’t want a lover. I just want us, and by that I don’t mean I want Don to perform, but I do want intimacy.”

Jones pursed his lips. “So what does that look like to you, Louis?”

I took a breath before answering. “Well, to me that means kissing, massage, baths together, just being naked in bed together, just touching … but with no expectation of the act. I mean, there are other options.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Jones said. “What do you think about what Louis is hoping for, Don?”

Don looked nervous. The therapist noticed and said, “Say what you feel. I think Louis understands the process. He doesn’t want you to say that’s a great idea if you’re not feeling that way.”

“Okay. If I’m honest, what he wants scares me. I love Louis. I always have. I want to hold him, kiss him, but not being able to have an erection … I guess, to not be able to finish what we’ve started scares me.” Don rubbed his hands on his thighs. “I mean, he’d be turned on; I’d feel nothing.”

“Do you mean that you get no enjoyment from the physical sensation that touching offers? Louis alluded to other options. So oral sex, hand jobs, mutual-masturbation are considerations we could look at?”

Don bit his lower lip, thinking. “Yeah … well. I guess I would. But it wouldn’t be the same, would it? I mean kissing, touching and oral used to lead to something. Now it won’t ….”

“So, you’re worried Louis would be unsatisfied?”

“Yeah.” Don wrung his hands together. “And I’m afraid I’d be unsatisfied—mentally—and isn’t that worse? I mean for us, in the long run.”

“I see where you’re going with that, Don. But ….”

I had to interrupt Jones. “Don … Donny. Whatever we do, we need to have some kind of connection. Isn’t that everything? Isn’t that what we had before sex came into the picture?”

He turned to me and grinned. “Remember back then, Lous? Shit, my balls were so blue I thought they were dyed!”

I nodded and laughed. So did Don. It was so good to see him laugh.

Mr. Jones had remained silent through our little trip down memory lane. Now he said, “Louis is correct. For you to have a relationship, you need connection, and part of that is touch.”

“But doc, at some point … oh, Jesus … at some point Louis needs physical release as well.”

“But Louis doesn’t seem to be worried about that, Don.” The doctor moved to sit at his desk and made a few notes. “You are, yet you don’t mention offering oral sex or other ways of helping Louis achieve the release you mentioned.”

“I … I….”

I looked at my husband. He seemed to be hurting. “I just want to be close to you, Don. Those things would be good.” I sucked in my breath and said, “But I can look after myself, or if you want to watch, we can do that too.”

“You’d do that?”

“For you, if it helped, if you wanted it. Yes, anytime.”

There was a silence, which was quickly becoming uncomfortable. Thankfully, the doctor spoke up. “Our time is getting close to an end. I have homework for you as a couple.”

He looked at each of us.

“My recommendation for this week, is to stay close. Bathe together, hold hands, hug and kiss; I want you to pretend you are banned from any other remotely sexual things. Work on being close and supporting each other.”

The therapist went to his desk and handed me a slim notebook. “Your diary. You need to fill it in together. Got that?”

We nodded and replied that’s what we’d do.

After thanking Jones, and making our next appointment, I pushed Don down the hall. I stayed quiet, though I was bursting with questions for him. I wondered if he’d say anything to me. However, I knew that Don needed time to process things. So I remained silent, knowing he’d speak up when ready.

***

I pulled the van out of the parking lot and turned onto the street. It was busy. Don had said nothing, so I brought up a subject near and dear to his heart;food.

“Babe? It’s busy and late, and frankly I’d just like to go home and put my feet up with a large mofo glass of wine.”

I could feel Don’s eyes on me as he chuckled. “Yeah, sounds good, Lous. I can have a glass, right?”

“Yeah. As long as you don’t overdo it, the doc said it was fine. Sooo, I was thinking you could call Billy-The-Greek, we could pick up some of our favourites, plus dessert, and we could just eat and drink and watch the tube. Whatcha think?”

“Where’s the phone?” He pulled his from his pocket, and after a couple of flips and a moment, was talking. “Hi, yes, for take-out. Yes, that’s right. Two chicken souvlaki. Yep. Double baklava as well. Yes. Okay. McPhee. Thanks, see ya soon.”

We stopped for the food and then drove home as quickly as we could. The gorgeous odour of chicken and potatoes filled the van. There was a bottle of my favourite wine in the fridge, just waiting.

Once home, parked and unloaded, we went inside and unpacked. Don opened the wine and poured two glasses. I dished up the food, and we went and sat in the living room. After some chewing, and a good half-glass of wine, Donny finally spoke.

“Damn, that’s nice wine, Lous.”

I smiled. “Yeah, it is…food is good too!”

“Yeah.” Don swallowed and gazed at me. “You know I love you.”

“I know. My feelings haven’t changed either.”

Don put his fork down. “Damn it. FUCK it!”

“Donny?”

Amber eyes seemed to be on fire. “How are we going to do this?”

“We’ll do it because there is no choice. We either agree to do that, Don, or we may as well quit now.” I broke open a steaming potato with the side of my fork. “No one said it was going to be easy. You and me, we’ve been pretty lucky all this time.”

“Lucky?”

“Yeah. We’ve done what we wanted. We’ve had lovers, apart and together, we’ve had fights and arguments. Yet, here we are.”

“True, but this is a pretty major bump in the road.”

I picked up my wine and contemplated it as it sloshed up the side of the glass. “So, then answer me this. Are we better together or on our own?”

As Don sucked in his lower lip and squinted, I noticed the fine lines around his eyes. I just loved him more.

“Lous, honestly, baby, I don’t think I can make it through this without you.”

I got off the sofa, went to him, and hugged him as best as I could. “You won’t have to. Now, let’s take the rest of the wine and drink it in the bath.”

***

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Don.” I climbed out of the tub and wrapped a blue towel around my waist. “Part of all this was supposed to be about touching each other. You are too hot and cold. You seem happy enough when we’re just together, watching tv or shopping. But you can’t kiss me, or just put your arms around me. I’m telling you, Don, I need that from you!”

I pushed his wheelchair close to the tub, I opened a towel and put it on the seat, then locked the wheels in place. I swung the trapeze over his head and asked, “Can you get out on your own?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ll sleep in the guest room. Good night.”

I grabbed my clothes and walked out of the bathroom. I heard him calling my name. “Lous … Lous … Damnit, Louis!”

Ignoring him, I slammed the guest room door and climbed into bed. Fuck you, Don McPhee. I’m tired. I’m done.

***