Changes - 2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“Aw, damn it.” It was almost a sigh. Donny closed his eyes. “Lous, Louis, baby … I’m sorry.”

Rena walked in at that moment. “You’re awake sweetheart.” She regarded me, but said to Don, “Wait! What are you sorry for?”

She turned to me. “What did you say?”

“I … no … nothing.” It bothered me she had decided that I told Don everything.

“Mother.”

Rena ignored Don and continued to direct her comments to me. “The doctor said not to say—”

I opened my mouth, ready with a retort, but Don interrupted me. He put a hand on my arm, to quiet me, knowing me as he does.

“Mother, please. Lous said nothing. He simply confirmed what I deduced.”

Rena sat in the chair on the other side of Don’s bed. She glared at me for a second, until Donny reached for her hand.

“Mom, don’t blame Louis. He said nothing. He didn’t have to.” Don regarded us both. “I want to see the doctor. Figure out what comes next.”

“Don, sweetheart, you need to rest and get better.”

“Mom, I don’t want to rest. I want to work. I’m not just going to fucking give up and rely on you and Louis.”

I don’t think I ever loved Don more than at that moment. There he was, the Don I knew, strong, resilient, and brave.

“Well, I’m glad to hear you want to work hard to recover, but you do need rest. So I’ll be back in a moment, to give you time to say goodbye, but everyone needs to go. Then we’ll talk and Don will rest.”

We all turned to see where the voice was coming from; it was Doctor Robinson. We hadn’t heard him come in.

“Yes of course, Doctor.” Rena got to her feet and kissed Don’s forehead. “See you tomorrow, darling.”

Don smiled at her. “Okay, Mom. Love you.”

She left after a final glance at me and a squeeze of Donny’s hand.

Once the door closed, I stood over my husband. His eyes appeared tired and I’m sure he was hurting. This exchange had taken its toll. He reached for my hand.

“I’m tired, Lous … but I meant what I said.”

“I know. I’ll be with you … the whole way.” I squeezed his fingers gently. “I love you, Don.”

I bent to kiss him, and as we kissed, he responded with a low moan.

As we paused for air, I broke away. “I better go, so the doctor can get in here. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, babe. Love you.”

I released his hand with great reluctance. I did not want to leave him, but forced myself to walk away. “Love you.”

The automatic door swished closed, and all I wanted was to fall to my knees and cry. You can’t do that, Louis. Get a grip.

Instead, I walked to Rena, and again offered her my arm, which she accepted, and we picked up the car. We decided to stop for a take-out meal. I gave Rena my phone and asked her to call Billy-the-Greek, to order their dinner for two.

“Oh, Louis, that sounds delicious.”

I smiled. “It’s what Donny and I order all the time. If you’d like dessert, ask for some.”

“Oh, let’s have some to celebrate.”

I felt like asking to celebrate what, but I knew what she meant. Donny is her only son; he has a sister, Miriam. I’m sure Rena was just happy he was still alive.

Smiling, I nodded while watching the road. “He’d be jealous …. ”

“Because of that terrible sweet tooth?”

I laughed. “Yes.”

“Did he ever tell you about the time … oh hold on—,” Rena spoke into the phone, “Yes please, I’d like to order your dinner for two. Yes, please Greek salad. Um ... potatoes?”

I nodded.

“Yes, potatoes for both, and I’d like to order dessert. Baklava, one of each. We’re picking up … about 20 minutes, that’s great, yes. The name is Taylor. Thank you, goodbye.”

Rena clicked off the phone. “Done. I’m hungry for the first time in weeks.”

“Yeah, Donny awake is a relief.”

“But?”

“But … but it’s all shit isn’t it, Rena?”

I pulled into Billy-The-Greek’s lot and parked, we had time before we picked up our order.

Rena turned to me. “You aren’t going to leave him?”

“Oh, my God. No of course not, I love him.” I undid my seatbelt, as did my passenger.

“Good. Because I didn’t think that was you, Louis.” She turned to me, shifting slightly in her seat, before continuing, “You know I didn’t like that Don was gay at first. It took me some time, as you are likely aware. But he chose his partner well, because you’re a good man.”

I sighed. Do any parents like that their children are Gay? We expect acceptance, but it does cost the people we love something, doesn’t it? I think we need to give them room to understand on their own, just as many of us needed time to accept ourselves.

I smiled at my mother-in-law. “Thanks, Rena.”

“When I go back home, will you e-mail me? I mean the truth about how he’s doing, not what he’ll tell me.”

I knew what she meant. “He’s only trying to protect us, Rena.”

“I know, and I love him for it. But this isn’t the time is it?”

“No. This isn’t the time.” I checked my watch; still ten minutes to wait. “Of course I will, but you don’t need to leave. You’re welcome to stay.”

Her hazel eyes lit up and she smiled. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes. It’s selfish believe me. I mean I have to return to work soon. They won’t let me off forever.”

“I’d like to stay. I can sell houses anywhere.”

That was a surprise. “You want to move permanently? I mean, you’re welcome of course, but I know you love Calgary.”

“Calgary was always supposed to be temporary after the divorce.” Rena shifted in her seat. “If I move, then I can be closer to you two and Miriam. She’s accepted a teaching position here in the city.”

“Has she? Well, good, that’s settled then.” I grabbed my wallet from the centre console. “You know, I’ve only met Miriam that once, at our wedding. She didn’t even attend the reception.”

“No … she had a harder time accepting Don than I did. Who wants to be the only one with a gay brother?”

Or son?

I forced a smile. “Be right back with dinner.”

***

I put the take-out bag on the back seat of the car. I slid into the driver’s seat, buckled on my seatbelt and started the engine. I pulled out of the parking lot, back onto the main road.

“Mmm, Louis, that smells delicious.”

“It’s usually good. We love it.”

We drove in silence for a few minutes before Rena asked, “What about your family? Were they accepting of you?”

“Yes. I think they were afraid at first. Fear of the unknown, fear that your child will have a hard time, but once we’d talked and they had time, they were fine.”

“I thought maybe your mother would have been out here.”

“She wanted to come, but with dad on disability, they need her income. It’s hard when you depend on that weekly pay cheque. I keep in touch with them though.”

My parents had returned to Newfoundland once I’d finished school and married Don. I missed them, but I knew that they were happier back on The Rock.

I pulled into the driveway, and turned off the engine. Rena unlocked the front door while I grabbed the food.

In my sunny lemon-yellow kitchen, we unpacked all the containers, set the little glass-topped table and opened a nice bottle of red to have with dinner.

I poured the wine and we tucked into our meals with relish. Neither of us had been too interested in eating over the past few weeks. This was delicious and hit the proverbial spot.

After eating purposefully and in silence for ten minutes, I gave voice to an issue that had been on my mind. “Rena, I was thinking that maybe you could help me find a more suitable house.”

She peered up from her plate. “Why?”

“This place … we love it, but if Donny needs a wheelchair, he’d never get down the hall. I think we should buy something that we don’t have to renovate completely.”

“I see what you mean. Of course I can do that, Louis.”

“That would be a huge weight off my shoulders.” To me the future looked like what Atlas’ was. I knew I needed help.

Waving her last piece of roast potato, Rena said, “I’ll start right away. Could be a while before we find something, but tell me, how would you feel about a granny flat?”

“I’d be fine with that. We can all have our privacy, yet we’re close if needed. I think it’s a good idea.”

Rena gazed at me as if she were listening for a lie. “Really? You’re sure?”

“Yes, really.” I grinned. I drained my wine glass and then poured some more for us both.

We finished the wine and were slightly tipsy, so I put on a pot of coffee. It was a good meal; we were both relaxed for the first time in weeks. I was enjoying myself, but in the back of my mind was always Donny.

The wonderful aroma of mocha java filled the kitchen, and Rena poured our coffee and plated the baklava. We carried it all to the table and reseated ourselves. I added sugar and cream to my coffee and stirred. I stared at the sweet, golden pastry in front of me. Rena sat watching me, and I smiled. “Earlier you were going to tell me something about Don, and about his sweet tooth.”

She laughed. “Oh, yes. But you must have seen him dissect his baklava!”

I had many times, but let her tell me anyway.

“It was the first time we’d had it. He was about eight, I think.” She sipped her coffee, peeled off the top layer of her baklava and popped it into her mouth. “Mmmm. I’d given them each a piece, along with a little fork.”

I’d seen pictures of Don at eight; he’d been very cute, with same dirty blonde hair and bright, mischievous golden-orange eyes. I brushed away a tear, the wine was making me feel melancholy. Giving myself a bit of a mental shake, I tuned back into the story Rena was relating.

“He took it apart layer by layer, trying to understand how it had been put together. He had a stack of pastry, and a mound of nuts. All of which he ate separately and afterwards pronounced he didn’t like!”

I laughed, that sounded like Don to me. I nodded at her as she striped another layer from her baklava and said, “I wonder where he gets that from?”

Rena looked down, and giggled. “OH! Yes, I see what you mean.”

It was nice to laugh with her. “I’m glad you’ve been staying here, Rena. Part of me is scared to death.”

She became serious. “Me too, Louis. When you called and told me, I was so frightened I’d lose him.”

I got up and took the dishes to the counter. I scraped the plates and stuck the plug in the sink. Hot water filled it and I added soap and then the dishes.

Rena brought hers over, and leaned against me briefly. If she didn’t go, we’d both be in tears again.

“Thanks. Look why don’t you go and have a nice hot bath or shower, while I do these?”

She seemed tired. “You don’t mind?”

“No. I don’t know about you, but I’m full, and between the wine and the dessert and all those carbs from those gorgeous potatoes, I’m ready for bed.”

“I agree. Okay. Goodnight, Louis.” She turned and walked to the kitchen doorway. “And thank you … for everything. I mean that.”

Using the kitchen towel to dry my hands, I turned towards her. I didn’t know for how much longer I could control my emotions. “I know. I’m glad we had this time to talk and make some plans. I’m sure we’ll be doing a lot more of it.”

“I’m sure you’re right, Louis. I’ll see you in the morning … good night.”

“Night.”

I washed the dishes, put the wine bottle in the recycle bin, along with the tin foil containers our food had come in, and then I dried the dishes and put them away. I walked upstairs to the master bedroom, switched on the lights and closed the door behind me.

I pulled off my clothes, put them in the wash basket and then donned my robe. The shower was calling me, and after setting the temperature, I climbed in gratefully. The water ran over my head and body; it felt good but it couldn’t sluice away the worry and fear I felt about the future.

After squeegeeing the shower walls and drying myself off, I nearly crawled into bed naked. I always slept in the nude with Donny. There never was much point in wearing anything. However, lately I’d been wearing t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. I didn’t want to be naked should Rena need me.

I pulled the duvet over myself, rolled onto my left side and looked at Donny’s pillow. I reached out and stroked it. I just let the tears fall. I whispered, “I love you, baby.”

Suddenly I felt beyond tired, so I reached up and turned out the bedside lamps.

***

The gorgeous aroma of coffee and bacon dragged me to consciousness. Rena was up and making our breakfast. Rolling onto my back, I lay in our big comfortable bed for a few minutes before sitting up.

Anger filled me as I thought about Don, and that he’d maybe never join me here again, that our lives would never be as carefree, or spontaneous. Then I realized I was angry at Don, for fucking up our lives so badly, for being so selfish—he deserved what he’d sown—the stupid selfish son-of-a-bitch.

No! No … I didn’t mean that!

If I was perfectly honest though, I did. I meant every single word.

But you married him, Louis, for better or worse, in sickness and health—until death. Then why didn’t he just fucking die? Why do I have to suffer this? What did I ever do?

Whether I meant it or not, I fought off the self-pity by forcing myself out of the warm bed. I used the toilet and washed. After dressing in some track pants and a hoodie, I joined Rena in the kitchen.

“Good morning, Louis!” She placed just-crispy bacon on some paper toweling to drain.

I took a deep breath. “Wow, that smells good.”

“I know, right? I thought a bacon and egg sandwich would be a treat. Do you prefer your rye bread toasted or plain?”

“Mmmm, plain please.”

I put the pot of coffee on the table and we sat down to eat. In addition to the sandwiches was a plate holding slices of tomato and aged cheddar.

After adding some tomato to my sandwich, I bit into it, enjoying the egg and saltiness of the smoky bacon.

“Louis, you go on to the hospital, I’ll join you later,” Rena said.

“Hmm? Why? What are you going to do?” Her suggestion had surprised me.

“Well, start looking for a place to work from here. Speak to an agent back home to sell my place.” She picked at a slice of cheese. “I’ll have to go back to arrange packing and storage of my place and then movers when we decide to move.”

“Not wasting time.”

“No time to waste, is there?”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“I am. Kiss him for me. I’ll be along later.”

After breakfast, I returned to our room and changed into jeans and a blue cotton sweater. I tied my sneakers and looked around. It felt empty. Donny was so alive, he just filled the house when he was home. I went downstairs, put on my leather jacket, called goodbye to Rena, and left the house.

***

I walked into the hospital and made my way to the I.C.U. I stopped at the Nurse’s Station.

“How is he today?” I asked Diane, the nurse on duty. I’d been there so much, we were nearly on a first name basis.

“He had a good night. He’s been awake for a while now; he’s had some breakfast and is ready for a visitor.” She smiled at me. “You can go in.”

I patted the orange countertop and moved away. “Great. Thanks.”

Gazing through the glass door, I observed Don at rest. His colour was better, his hair was too long—he hated long hair—and he appeared to be at peace. I sighed, feeling rather ashamed of my blaming him for everything.

In some ways, Don was selfish, but aren’t we all to some extent?

I pushed open the door slowly and entered the room. All I could hear was the sound of his monitors doing their jobs.

I hung my leather jacket over the back of the chair, and was ready to sit down when Donny spoke.

“Morning, Lous.”

I stopped mid-sit, turned, and leaned over him. I took his hand and kissed him softly. But I didn’t want softly; I wanted Donny, hard and ready and demanding. I closed my eyes for a second and sighed.

“You okay, Louis?”

“Yeah, baby.” A smile lingered on my lips. “I’m good. How are you?”

“Okay. The pain isn’t too bad, manageable I guess.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. “How was your visit with the doc?”

Donny blinked and regarded me before he spoke. “Well, you and Mom know the worst, but I have use of both arms, I can talk and I don’t seem to have any memory or speech issues.”

No more sex; no more sex with your husband. Stop it, Louis!

I didn’t know what to say. “Well, yes we know that. But there’s lots of things you can still do. And …. ” I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts. “Don, there’s a lot you can do.”

He snorted. “Like wheelchair basketball?”

“Well, yes why not? Other people play and who knows what else there is? I haven’t checked into it all yet.”

“And work? What about that?”

“I heard from the magazine. They want you back. I know Harry’s been here a few times.”

He snorted again.

“Why can’t you write? You can still report and write about able and disabled athletes too. You would have simpatico, or whatever it is.”

He took on a thoughtful look. “That might work. I mean I’m not about to give in to this, Lous.”

Don saying that made me feel better—the Don I knew would never quit, not until the day he died anyway.

“And what about at home?” he was saying.

“What about it?”

“A wheelchair won’t fit in our place, Lous. Not without major renos.”

I pulled my chair closer and lowered the bed. I clutched his hand in mine. “Yeah, about that, I’ve asked your mom for help.”

“What for? How can she help … wait, you didn’t ask her for money did you?”

“Jesus, Donny, no!” As if I would! “No, I asked her to find a new place that would be better for you, and that has a granny flat.”

His eyebrows flew up. “What?”

“We need to move. Your mom wants to move back here. Plans are being made.”

“Great, I’ve not only fucked my own life, everyone else is in the pool, too.”

“Want me to play the world’s smallest violin?”

Donny’s eyes flashed to mine, but then he started to laugh. He squeezed my hand. “Put down the safety bar thing, Lous.”

“Um … why?”

“Because I want to hold you.” He looked aghast. “You aren’t afraid of me cuz I’m paralyzed, are you?”

“No.” I put the bar down, bent down so we were chest-to-chest, and let him hold me. It felt so good, I just closed my eyes.

Then he whispered in my ear, that he loved me still, like always and he said, “It still works and I could feel it a bit.”

I snuggled his neck. “What works?”

“My dick.”

I opened my eyes and lifted myself off him. “Really?”

He nodded like an enthusiastic Labrador.

“How do you know?”

“Cuz, I shoved my hand down there and tried it out.”

“Babe, do you think that’s a good idea? I mean so soon?”

“Yes. There’s some things you just need to know, ya know?”

I kissed him and sat on the side of the bed. “Did you tell Dr. Robinson?”

“Not yet, haven’t seen him.”

“Well, when you do—”

“He said that I may have more sensation in the future, but we have to wait for swelling to go down and stuff.”

I was torn about my thoughts. “Baby, you understand that you probably won’t walk again.”

“Yes, I fucking know that, Louis!” He raised his voice and his eyes flashed. “Do you enjoy reminding me? Why can’t you ever just be positive?”

I stood, not knowing what to do. “Okay, I’m sorry for giving a shit, for not wanting you to be disappointed.” I picked up my jacket. “I’ll go. See you later.”

“Lous.”

“No. Someone needs to be realistic. I hope you do have more sensations, hope you get everything you want. But I’m not gonna be your verbal punching bag.”

“Please. Lous, I’m sorry.” He stared upward. “This is hard. I’m used to going, moving, being the one that gets things done. Now, I’m trapped. I’m doing my best to cope. And well, feeling something down there was such a relief. We can’t go through life without sex.”

The door swooshed open and the duty nurse said, “Doctor’s on his way.”

That was my cue to leave. “Thanks,” I said to her and then turned back to my husband. “Donny, I’ll be back in a bit. I understand this can’t be easy. I’ll try harder okay? It’s just how I am—”

“I know, baby. Me too. I’ll try harder too.”

I went back and kissed him lightly. “Be back soon. I’ll bring you something.”

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