The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 13. Words Unspoken

-------------------------------------------------------------RYDER---------------------------------------------------------------------

I felt one last deep breath escape from my lips as I realized I could actually take Teddy seriously. I don’t understand him. I don’t understand what he has to gain from hanging around me; I’ll only drag him down. I mean, how long until they turn on him? Even if he doesn’t stand up for me every chance he has, they’re still going to wonder why he keeps turning them down for me, and sooner or later they’ll turn. Everything he’s worked for…it’ll fall away, can I let him do this to himself? Do I deserve this?

“Is that…” He began to ask, turning his attention towards a small picture frame on my night stand.

“Don’t ask.” I groaned, snatching the picture frame from the small table, and out of his view.

“But that’s totally you as a kid, right?” He continued, doing his best to learn more about my life.

“Yeah,” I muttered, taking a glance at the photo myself. It was my first concert, and I couldn’t have been more than five or six years old. I was perched on my dad’s shoulders wearing ear protection a little too big for my head.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a smile like that on you.” He teased, doing his best to lighten the dark mood in the room.

“It was a different time.” I shrugged, placing the frame face down on the old nightstand. His attention immediately went from the picture to the paper balls surrounding his feet. “Teddy,” I groaned as he bent down to pick one up.

“What?” He smiled, with a quick shrug of his shoulders.

I rolled my eyes and sat up, trying to regain control of the situation “You know what.” I exhaled. “Just leave everything where it is.”

“How about this?” He began with trouble beginning to flash in his eyes. “You play me one of your songs and I’ll leave things be.”

“How about you go home.” I growled, beginning to push him away once more. He went to drop the crumbled-up paper but as our eyes connected I saw trouble resurge. Before I knew it, he was unfolding the small sheet of paper trying to read it. “Okay! Okay!” I yelped, trying my best to show him how annoyed I was.

“That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” He giggled to himself as I stood up and grabbed a guitar off the rack.

I ignored his words and quickly hooked up the amp. Nerves began to fill me as his eyes fell on mine. It’s weird; I usually don’t get stage fright. I mean, I can’t do public speaking or anything, but playing music in front of people has never been an issue. When I play music, it’s like I escape to a different world. For that short time, I’m no longer me; I’m something bigger, something better.

“Um…” I began trying to refocus. “So this song is still being worked on. It’s probably the biggest on the E.P. I haven’t cracked it just yet, but I think I’m headed somewhere.” I nodded, rolling the pick through my fingers.

As the sound of the guitar blared out of the small amp I found myself finally falling into that hidden world. I’m no expert guitar player by any means, but sometimes when I get lost in it all, I really begin to play. It’s like my fingers move on their own, as if they’re guided by something else.

When I hit the first verse of the song, I quickly changed to the keyboard I kept against one of my walls, doing my best to still sing loud enough for Teddy to hear me. Even now, just showing off the song I can feel myself making small adjustments to how it’s written. I let my voice grow heavy, and gritty, doing my best to taint the sweet sound of the piano. As I moved into the chorus I switched right back to my guitar and tried my hardest to make the small room shake. If Teddy wants me to play him something, then I’ll make sure it’s something he remembers for the rest of the night.

I let the riff fade out as I hit the end of the chorus, knowing I had played more than enough of the new song. “There.” I let out breath.

“Wait!” he began with a curious tilt of his head. “That’s the same song from the studio, right?” I slowly nodded as he put the pieces together in his head. “How come you were singing it differently?”

I shrugged my shoulders, but saw he wasn’t going to let it go. “I like it better this way.” I explained to him while gently strumming the guitar to keep my anxious mind distracted. “It’s going to have a ton of different instruments in it. I want it to be loud, and hard hitting. Especially with the cover and slow song getting added.”

“Slow song?” Teddy repeated with interest. I could feel my face began to turn red as I realized I said too much. “You’re going to write a slow song?”

“I’ve written a million slow songs.” I mumbled in an aggravated tone.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He quickly clarified. “I just, I don’t know, you don’t seem like a slow song kind of guy.” I rolled my eyes once more, and let my full focus switch to the guitar in my hands. “Oh, come on!” He argued. “Don’t take it like that. Just, how about you play it for me.”

“No!” I shook my head, barely paying attention to him. “I played enough for you.”

“Ryder…” He began in an effort to work his magic over me.

“Fine.” I interrupted, not even giving him the chance to feed me some fluffed up garbage he thinks I want to hear. I quickly placed the guitar back on the rack and sat down at my keyboard, playing a slow dark intro. I started off with a sweet voice but slowly let it turn into a growl, but as the chorus came I went right back to singing. Once more I found myself escaping into my mind, as if I was watching myself perform. I could tell the song was putting Teddy on edge, but I couldn’t help but keep going. To keep pushing him as far as I could. To see if he knew who or what he was really getting himself involved in.

As my finger hit the last key I turned to look at him. He was trying his hardest to hide it, but I could tell the song made him uncomfortable. “You didn’t like it?” I offered, biting down lightly on my lip.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it.” He began, trying to put the words to his emotions. “It was just different.”

“Different?” I repeated in a reflective tone. Did I show him too much too soon? Did I upset the balance already? Is he going to start pushing me away?

“Yup, different.” He nodded, doubling down on his original statement. “It was creepy, and, I don’t know, it just made me freeze.” He retreated back into his mind for a second, carefully ironing out his words. “Can you have that different of styles on the same E.P.? I mean the first song is like you’re fighting for your life, but this song, it’s almost like a surrender.”

“Surrender.” I repeated, grabbing a pen off the floor and writing the word on the lyric sheet in front of me. Teddy made a face like he was trying to figure out if this was a good thing or a bad thing. “But yeah…” I snapped back into reality. “We can have different styles. I mean, it’s not common, but it’s what I want my music to be.” I shrugged, swiveling around in my chair to face him. “As for the style, it’s not even close to unique, it’s actually really inspired Marilyn Manson.”

"Marilyn Manson?” Teddy repeated, racking his brain to see if he could remember the name. “Didn’t he cause Columbine?” I felt the faint smile that was beginning to form on my face fall as I heard the question. “What did I say?” He tilted his head, confused by my sudden change.

“He didn’t cause Columbine.” I groaned with a disapproving shake of my head. “Teachers, and parents being blind caused Columbine. No one wanted to admit they had seen the red flags, no one wanted to admit that maybe, just maybe, they could’ve done something to prevent it. More importantly no one wanted to admit that they might’ve created the two monsters we all see today. People can only take so many jokes, or pushes in the hallway. Sooner or later something has to break. So, they found a scapegoat.” I exhaled, pointing towards a pale figure with a shiny blue eye on a poster above the side of my bed.

I flicked back on the keyboard, and changed the settings to make the sound a little more distorted. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and take a deep breath as I escaped back into my musical world. I could feel my voice growing dark and growly, just like the way Marilyn Manson sang as I tried my hardest to emulate it.

“Sorry.” I quickly let out, realizing I was starting to get carried away. “That’s the song he wrote about Columbine, and I figured you’ve never heard it, and well, it explains the whole situation better than I can.”

“It’s fine.” He forced a smile. “Besides I like it when you sing.” He looked from me to the poster, then back to me. “So, you’re a big fan then?”

“Not like crazy big or anything, I just like his flair.” I began, but hesitated, scared to let him in even more.

“It’s okay.” Teddy smiled. “I’m not judging you.”

“He just makes hated seem so, so, cool.” I explained. “His whole music life he’s had people putting him down. They blame him for school shootings, and suicides. They threw everything going wrong in the early 2000s on his shoulders, and yet, he never collapsed. He kept doing his thing. He’s never hesitated. If I can be even half of who he is…” I shook my head, not sure how to convey my feelings. “It’ll all be okay.”

Teddy let my words soak the air before a small smile grew on his face. “Well it sounds like he doesn’t want you to be who he is.” He confidently spoke. “It sounds like he’d much rather you be who you are.”

“I don’t like who I am.” I unwittingly let out.

“Well I do.” Teddy supported without any hesitation. “You’re honest, and real. You speak from your heart. That’s more than I can say about 95% of the people I’ve ever met.”

“And look where that’s gotten me.”

“Seventeen and on the verge of being signed to a label.” Teddy continued, not giving me any time to doubt myself. “I don’t think you realize how close you are to your dreams. I mean this is it Ryder!” He exclaimed in an excited voice. “You want to be heard, this is your chance. You are so damn close.”

“Ryder!” My grandma called out, opening the door. “You need to eat something before it gets too late.” I rolled my eyes, and shook my head. “Teddy there’s plenty for you as well.”

“Grandma…”

“You should eat.” Teddy encouraged, slowly getting to his feet.

“No I don’t…” As the words escaped my lips I could feel my grandma’s eyes narrow in on me. “Fine.” I grunted, knowing it’s in my best interest to save me from the future trouble.

“I’m sorry if we were disturbing you.” Teddy offered, as my grandma lead us threw the short narrow hallway and into the kitchen.

“Trust me,” she began in a small laugh, “I’ve lived with Ryder since he was six years old. It takes a lot more than some guitar and piano to disturb me. I’m just glad he doesn’t play the drums as much anymore!”

“So, he’s always been like this then?” Teddy prodded, watching my grandma heat up the leftovers from her lonely dinner that night.

“He was born with a guitar in one hand, and a microphone in another.” She giggled. “His father started giving him vocal lessons when he was four, but you know what he said?”

“Grandma, I can heat up the food.” I groaned wishing she would just leave us alone.

“He said that…”

“Grandma!” I growled, starting to anxiously tap my fingers against the old, scratched dinner table.

“Ryder’s voice was so unique it needed to develop naturally.” She continued, not caring whether I wanted hear it or not. “Even at four years old, he loved your voice.” I angrily bit down on my lip, and kept my eyes on her. Nothing he loved matters now. Nothing either of them does. “Calm down Ry.” She exhaled, placing bowls of soup in front of me and Teddy.

“I am calm.” I lied, trying my hardest to stay composed.

She took a deep breath, discouraged by my tone. She knows better than to talk about my parents. She knows better than to act like they’re still around. Like their opinions still matter.

“So, is that why you can sing all those different styles?” Teddy spoke up, trying to defuse the situation.

“I guess so.” I shrugged, throwing my focus to my food.

“Well that, and how hard he works.” My grandma bragged, as she leaned over and began to fix my hair. “He’s always playing, or writing or singing. I can’t remember the last time this house stayed music free for a full twenty-four hours.”

“So, then you must really like music too?” He asked, trying to shift the conversation onto her.

“I was never crazy about it.” She sighed, still running her hands through my hair.

“Oh yeah?” Teddy innocent let out. “Then doesn’t having to hear it every day drive you insane?”

My grandma let out a loud laugh and shook her head. “Nope.” She sighed through the laughter. “Most nights it helps me fall asleep. It reminds me I’m not alone. It reminds me I have the most gifted grandson in the world. It reminds me that Ryder has a very bright future ahead of him. And most importantly, it reminds me that my son lives on through him.”

“Enough!” I yelped, as I finally hit my breaking point. “What is with you this week? You think just because his birthday is coming up, that means you can talk about him like he’s still here?” I shook my head and forced food into my mouth. “He’s gone.” I grunted “Leave it that way.” There was a minute or two of silence as my grandma took a seat at the side of the table, between me and Teddy. “Sorry.” I forced out, reminding myself that he wasn’t just mine. “It’s been a long day.” My grandma reached over and rested her hand on mine, acknowledging that it was okay. “This must be a lot more than you bargained for.” I sighed, looking up at Teddy.

He shrugged his shoulders and softly smiled. “It’s fine. I’m just glad you’re talking.”

I gently nodded my head and refocused on eating. “He’s right, I didn’t really expect to hear you talk for a day or two.”

“Guess I just have stuff to say.” I shrugged, not paying much attention to their words.

“You always have stuff to say, you just don’t always let it out.” Teddy analyzed, as he cautiously watched me. “Maybe you should start.”

“Some words are better left unsaid.” I dismissed, trying my best to push us to a new topic.

He shook his head and watched me closely. “Maybe they are, but you’ll never know unless you let them out.” Teddy’s smile grew a little bit wider as our eyes connected. “What’s the worst that could happen? People won’t like you for it?”

“Things could always get worse.” I muttered, beginning to push around the soup more than eat it.

“Hey!” Teddy exclaimed as if a light had just gone off in his head. “You never held back any words when you first started talking to me!”

“And look where it’s got me.” I rolled my eyes, doing my best to stay as melancholy as possible.

“Ryder!” My grandma reprimanded, standing up and placing her fragile hands on my shoulders. “Well if it’s any consolation, he always talks about you.” She teased as she quickly scurried out of the room.

“Always?” Teddy repeated with trouble in his eyes.

“She was exaggerating.” I shut down, before he could get carried away.

“So, then you do talk about me?” He laughed, quickly taking advantage of the situation.

“No! Teddy!” I grumbled, realizing I was too late to stop him.

For the first time since we met I saw a small blush begin to fill his face. “Well, I talk about you to.”

“You’re such a liar.” I waved off. Who’s he talking about me to? Mike? Yeah, okay.

“I do!” He defended. “You can ask Liz or Blake.”

“You talk about me to Blake!” I nervously yelped! What is he going to think about us being together! He’s going to hate me for it! He’s going to think I’m trying to steal his friend! Or that I’m some sort of sell out for going back on my word!

“Not in a romantic way.” He laughed, reading the panic on my face. “Just that we hangout from time to time, maybe next time we all hangout you can join us.”

“I don’t think so.” I sighed, bringing both our bowls to the sink.

“Give me one reason why you wont.” Teddy insisted, jumping up and helping me finish the dishes.

“Mike.” I quickly let out, pushing him back towards his seat.

“Oh please!” Teddy waved off, still standing close trying his hardest to offer help. “I promise you that if me Liz and Blake are there, he won’t make fun of you.”

“And then there will be world peace.” I mocked, finishing up and placing the bowls onto the drying rack.

“Come on, for me?” He argued “You’re going to be a rockstar soon, and then we won’t have as much time together. What’s going to happen if…”

“Alright fine!” I interrupted, knowing he wasn’t going to let it go. “But if he says one thing, I’m out of there.”

“He won’t.” Teddy confidently nodded. “Because I’ll be there.”

“Just like you were today.” I moaned, taking a jab at him.

Teddy let out a breath and shook his head. “Ouch.”

“Sorry, it just kind of…”

“I did tell you to stop leaving things unsaid.” He interrupted me with a shake of his head. “But I promise, I’ll be better than that, I’ll be there for you.”

I nervously nodded as I turned around and took one step closer. I don’t know what was pulling me towards him. Maybe it was the sincerity in his words, or that fact that he cared enough about me to come check on me tonight, but this time I leaned in and placed my lips on his. Just like the first time, I could feel sparks begin to fly. Everything I was feeling in that moment fell away and my only focus became him.

As we pulled away, I saw him wearing that same confident smile from this afternoon. “How’s that for speaking my mind?” I teased, grabbing a sponge from the sink and starting to wash the table.

“Pretty damn good.” He nodded. “Pretty damn good.”