Promptings from Valhalla - 38. Epic Revenge

“Just you wait, ‘cause my revenge will be epic!” I steepled my hands and ran my fingertips across each other in my best imitation of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. “Excellent!”

Doug rolled his eyes and wiped a damp, white rag over the polished surface of the bar. “All right, Burnsie. So what is this epic revenge you will wreak upon our unsuspecting customer?”

I grabbed a small piece of rectangular paper from our newest waiter and set it on the counter. I swiveled like a ballet dancer and grabbed the Kahlua off the shelf. I waved the bottle at Doug. “Three guesses as to what Table Three ordered, Smithers.” I grinned and opened the fridge, then grabbed the chocolate milk.

Doug laughed. “So do you think their faces turned bright red or did they leer at our newest piece of eye candy?” He threw the rag under the counter and leaned his back against the gleaming wooden edge of the bar, facing me.

I placed five shot glasses in a row and rapidly poured the chocolate milk into them, followed by the Kahlua, without spilling a drop. I finished them off with a dollop of canned whipped cream. Kevin, our ‘newest piece of eye candy’, grabbed the tray and sashayed over to the patrons who ordered the five blow jobs.

“So, Montgomery… your ‘epic revenge’?”

“Oh yeah! So this guy wins the jackpot during Gay Bingo, then stiffs me on the tip! The kicker is, the fucker wrote his number on the back of the ticket, too! Seriously? Not the best way to get a date.” I returned the chocolate milk to the fridge and slammed the door.

“What a dick. But why the revenge? I mean, yeah, it’s shitty of him, but why go to all this trouble?”

“Because I’m sick of this shit. This is the third guy this week to not tip me. What the fuck? I have to make a living, here!”

“Hey, it happens to the best of us. Yeah, it’s shitty, and believe me, I’ve wanted to get my own revenge sometimes. So what devious plot have you concocted to ensnare the offender?”

“Well, the guy wants a date, right? So we’ll go out on a date. To the most expensive restaurant in town. And then I’ll order the most expensive thing on the menu, wait until it’s brought to the table, then go to the bathroom and sneak out the door. So he’ll be stuck with a giant bill!”

Doug held up his hand and gave me a high five. “Nice! Way to obfuscate the guy!”

I frowned. “What the fuck? ‘Devious’… ‘obfuscate’… What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I got a Word of the Day calendar for Christmas. Figured I’d put it to good use. ‘Obfuscate’ means to confuse.”

“Well you got that right,” I stated.

Doug smirked. “You’re adorable when you’re obfuscated. No wonder you get so many phone numbers.”

“Hey, gotta pay the bills somehow. And did you just call me stupid?”

“I plead the fifth,” Doug called over his shoulder as he moved to take care of a customer.

*****

I checked my hair in the visor mirror before sliding out of my maroon 2008 Saturn Ion. I adjusted my navy blue sweater I wore over a white dress shirt. It fit me like a glove, showing off my gym physique to perfection. My pants fit just as well, highlighting my best assets. Even my lesbian roommate admitted I looked ‘doable’ before I left. I grinned. My plan was coming together perfectly. Jeremy was thrilled when I called, although sounded a bit hesitant when I suggested we meet at the most expensive steakhouse in the city. But ultimately, he agreed to meet me there.

I texted him, letting him know I had arrived, as I approached the front door. The whole lack of a tip thing was really disappointing, because I had been really into the guy before that. He was hot and flirty and I’d hoped it would lead to a hook up. Blond hair, green eyes, and just slightly shorter than me… with just the right amount of curve to his ass. Perfect.

Too bad he was a cheapskate.

He was waiting for me right by the hostess’ stand. He smiled shyly, unlike his antics of the night before, and looked me over. “Wow, you look fantastic. I mean, you’ve always been hot, but damn….”

I grinned. “Thanks. You look great too, by the way.”

He beamed at the praise. I placed my hand on the small of his back as the waitress led us to our table.

His emerald eyes widened when he looked at the menu. He ordered a bowl of soup and an appetizer as his meal, while I ordered the most expensive surf and turf option I could find.

The waitress brought us a basket of steaming, fresh-baked, whole grain bread and cinnamon honey butter to spread on it. It tasted like heaven.

“So what do you do for fun?” I asked around a mouthful of bread. “Besides Gay Bingo, that is.”

“I hope you don’t think I’m a giant nerd or anything, but I’m really into anime and cosplay.” His face turned the most adorable shade of red.

“Cool! So am I! What’s your favorite series?”

He perked up, grinning. “Really? Wow! I’d have never guessed you like anime. Do you cosplay too?”

I nodded. “I went to last year’s ComicCon as Sebastian Michaelis.”

“Oh wow! I want to see pics!”

“I should have some on my phone,” I replied, digging it out of my pocket. It didn’t take long to find the pics of me dressed as Sebastian. Even I had to admit I looked damn hot in his butler's outfit, consisting of black trousers, a six-buttoned double-breasted tailcoat, and a gray vest.

“Damn… I’ve never been into that show, but I will be now!”

Our waitress arrived and placed hot bowls of New England clam chowder in front of us. “Enjoy, gentlemen,” she said before walking away.

Jeremy slid my phone across the table, and we both started eating our soup. It delicious. I was starting to rethink my plan. Jeremy was delightful, adorable, and into the same weird stuff I was. My phone buzzed, and I saw Doug had texted me, asking me if I’d ditched the guy yet. Shit. I had to remind myself this guy was a jerk. I also had a voicemail from Kevin. Fuck. Work crap always seemed to follow me. “Excuse me,” I said, standing. “I have to make a phone call. Work stuff.”

He frowned and nodded, then took another bite of bread.

I headed outside and texted Doug back. Not yet

Then I listened to Kevin’s voicemail. “Hey boss, Doug just told me about your date with that guy who won the Gay Bingo jackpot. Listen, I feel horrible about this, but the guy did tip you. You were on break when he left, so he gave me fifty bucks to give to you, and I totally forgot about it. I really hope you get this before you go on your date. Sorry, man.”

I pumped my fist. Yes! He wasn’t a jerk! I exhaled and ran my hand through my hair. I turned to go inside and ran right into Jeremy. “Oh! Hey. I just finished my call.”

He looked me in the eyes. “I read the text your friend sent while I was scrolling through your pics. I didn’t mean to… it just popped up. I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing here, but whatever it is, I’m not into it.”

He walked away, heading toward his car. I stared after him, dumbfounded.

“Sir?” The maître d’ approached me, scowling. “If you don’t come inside immediately and settle your bill, I will call the police.”

Then I realized Jeremy had been carrying a take-out container.

Fuck.

I followed the irate man next to me into the restaurant to pay for my mistake.

So what do you think of Monty's revenge?  Did he cross the line?  Should he have 'fessed up when he realized how much he liked Jeremy?  Did Monty get what he deserved?  Thanks for reading, and thanks to aditus for beta reading