Pushing the Limit -Book 2 - 6. Chapter 6

David woke up and was disoriented for a minute, briefly wondering why the walls of his room weren’t sloped downward. It took his jet lagged brain a little extra time to realize that he was in his own room, his own bed, and not the cozy little cottage thousands of miles away. He rolled over and stretched, enjoying each little crack various bones made as they shifted. Yawning, he reached for his phone and saw that it was almost seven o’clock. He allowed himself to lounge in bed for another half hour, scrolling through some emails and browsing a few news sites.

His bladder finally forced him out of the comfortable bed, and he got up a little reluctantly to face the day. As he let loose into the toilet he thought that Dr. Charlotte would be calling him out on the carpet if she saw how he was procrastinating. He shook himself off and also gave his brain a mental shake. Today was a day of reckoning and he knew it. Dragging his ass wasn’t going to change a thing.

He headed into the kitchen and took stock of what he had. Renee had included coffee and fresh creamer in her list of staples so he soon had a pot brewing. He also saw that she had gotten a loaf of his favorite multi-grain bread. She really was the best. He grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge and filled a small frying pan up with water and put it on the stove to boil. He was in the mood for poached eggs on toast. There was a container of fresh pineapple chunks in the fridge that he grabbed and a small bunch of green grapes on the counter, already washed.

When the water on the stove started boiling he turned down the heat to slow the rapid bubbles and then gently cracked two eggs into the pan and noted the time. He put a slice of American cheese on each piece of bread and popped them into the toaster oven. As soon as they were done he slid them onto a plate and scooped out the eggs from the water with a slotted spoon and dropped an egg onto each piece of toasted cheesy bread.

He poured coffee, added a little cream and sat at his table to enjoy his breakfast. Looking out of the sliding glass doors he could see several white ibises poking their long beaks into the ground in search of their own breakfast of various insects. He thought his choice was much better. He turned on his tablet and caught up on the local news.

His brain tried to formulate how he should plan his day. He mulled over several options as he cleaned up his breakfast mess. Knowing he couldn’t put things off any longer he grabbed his phone and called TC. It was after eight o’clock and he knew the man was an early riser. The phone rang a few times before TC picked up.

“Hi David. How was your trip back?” TC said as he answered.

Hey TC, it was uneventful. I scored a cheap upgrade on the transatlantic flight so that helped. How are you?” he replied.

“Nervous,” TC said, honestly.

David chuckled. “Me too, but let’s try to put that behind us. Would you like to come over this afternoon? Maybe go for a swim later, throw something on the grill? It’ll give us more time to talk. I thought about going out for dinner, but I think this conversation is going to take a while.”

“I’d like that. You’re right, this is going to take a while. I’m glad we’re getting together someplace quiet and not in public. I’ve kinda been an emotional wreck ever since we talked this week, and I have a feeling this is going to be tough for both of us. What time do you want me over?” TC said.

David was glad he said what did. He had been feeling a lot of emotional turmoil as well. He just hoped he could keep it together. He answered, “Let’s make it four, I have some shopping and a few other errands to do, but I can get them done by then.”

“Four it is then. I’ll see you later David.” TC confirmed.

“Hey TC? You don’t need to knock, my door will always be open for you.” David added. He hit ‘end’ on his phone and took a deep, calming breath. That hadn’t been too bad. The hard part would be tonight.

David went through his kitchen and made a list of things he needed to get. He saw signs that Owen had been occasionally staying over, a few half finished bags of chips, opened jars of salsa in the fridge, the remnants of a loaf of white bread and a few other of Owen’s favorite food items gave it away. David was grateful that his son had reached an age where he could be depended upon. It was rewarding to watch your child grow into a young adult.

His freezer, however, no longer held any frozen meat, No chicken, no beef, no pork, no fish. Owen, and probably Lyssa, had wiped him out. It was going to be an expensive grocery trip. He decided to drive the extra miles and go to Aldi up in Bradenton. Their staple items were a lot less expensive than Publix or even Walmart. He’d need to stop there too and get the items that Aldi didn’t carry. He put Detweiler’s on his list of places to stop at as well. The local Amish run chain of small grocery stores had the best meats and were pretty reasonable too. Their produce department was sourced from local farmers and was by far, much better than anywhere else.

He took a quick shower and grabbed two coolers from his garage and put them in the trunk of his car. He had few insulated bags to take with him too. Owen had driven his car occasionally while he was gone and surprisingly the tank was full, then again, Owen always was a pretty thoughtful kid.

He stopped at Walmart first as most of what he was getting there wasn’t immediately perishable. He placed a bag of ice in each cooler for his next stops. Florida was not grocery friendly in the summer. Interior car temperatures quickly rose as soon as the engine was turned off. Ice cream didn’t stand a chance unless it was put into something insulated. It broke his heart whenever he heard about a child or dog accidentally being left in a hot vehicle.

By the time David got home it was nearly noon. It took him multiple trips to lug everything inside and put away. He had gotten twenty pounds of boneless chicken breast at Detweiler’s as it had been on sale. The trade off for the cheap price was that he needed to trim each breast and then bag them up individually so he could freeze them. In addition to the chicken he had gotten ground beef, which also required making patties and separating into individual portions. He had purchased two ribeye steaks and those he put into a ziplock bag with sesame ginger marinade for later.

By the time he was done it was nearly two o’clock. He had two hours to kill before TC arrived so he parked himself on his couch and went through his mail that Renee had brought with her and left for him. Most of it was junk and went into the recycle bin. There was a reminder from his primary care doctor to set up an appointment for his annual physical. He set a reminder on his phone to call on Monday to make the appointment. He then channel surfed for a while before settling on a National Geographic documentary about deep space exploration. He must’ve still been tired because he caught himself drifting off a few times until all of a sudden he realized that TC had just pulled in. He jumped up off the couch and rubbed the residual sleepiness from his eyes.

Then he was there, standing in front of him was the man he was still in love with, but couldn’t have. They just looked at each other for a moment until;

“You shaved.”

“You have a beard.”

Both men spoke at the same time. Then they chuckled. It was another minute of awkward silence before David’s brain kicked in and started functioning again. This was TC for Christ’s sake, his best friend. David took a step forward and then another until he was close enough to reach his arms out to embrace him. TC’s arms came up and enfolded him in his warmth. It felt so right. They had both missed this.

They pulled apart and David said, “Let’s go sit. We can catch up with each other and take it from there.”

TC nodded and followed David into the kitchen and took the bottle of water that was offered.

“So, what’s been going on with you TC? Lyssa says you bought a house. Congratulations!” David said.

“Yeah. That daughter of yours is pretty amazing. She really was a big help. I needed someone else’s opinion and she really stepped up,” TC commented.

“From what she told me, she learned a lot from you about the whole process. It’s great that she gets a glimpse of what real adult life is like. Sometimes I think Renee and I shelter her a little too much, so it’s nice to see that she’s getting to experience what’s really out there. She also said I needed to ask you about your bonus room?” David mentioned.

TC snorted, a genuine bark of laughter coming from deep within. “I think that girl is pulling the wool over your eyes. She’s not as sheltered as you think.” TC replied.

“Oh Christ, what did she do?” David asked.

“Off of the master bedroom is a lanai area, screened in on three sides. Your “sheltered” daughter, in front of my realtor told me I should enclose it, hook it up to the A/C and make it into my playroom.”

David’s eyes widened and he burst out laughing. “Where did she even get an idea like that?! How the Hell does she know about playrooms? Wait. Let me guess, Rachael and Rance, yes?”

“Bingo. I’m pretty sure that it was the kids talking about whatever they heard their parents discussing.” TC responded and then added, “Don’t worry, I shut her down pretty quick, but just don’t be surprised if she manages to drop it into conversation one of these days.”

“Thanks for the warning. At least I know something about playrooms. You should have seen me the summer she was twelve and got her first period. I was freaking lost. Renee was on speed dial for five days. The poor kid was floored, even though she and Renee had talked about it possibly happening before she came down that summer. She was stuck with me standing in the aisle at Walgreens trying to figure out one hygiene product from the other. I had Renee on the phone trying to describe what kind of box to look for and Lyssa trying to hide behind me, mortified that her brother had tagged along. We somehow managed though.” David reminisced.

“That’s because you’re an incredible Dad.” TC told him.

David just smiled.

“So, what’s up with the beard? It kinda suits you.” TC continued.

“Yeah, well I think it’s going to go soon. One day running errands in the heat and humidity and I figured out that Florida summers are really not compatible with facial hair. It’s too damn hot and it makes me itchy. The only reason I have it is because it’s a pain to try and shave when you’re on the move so much.” David replied. “What about you? Why did you shave?”

“Mostly the same reason. Also, it was too much a reminder of you.” TC gave him a wry smile and changed the subject. “Tell me about your trip. Where did you go, what did you see?” he prompted.

David told him about couch surfing for all those weeks, about the treehouse in Switzerland, small towns and villages that he passed through and some of the people that he met who had stood out, like Rafe. He described the beautiful scenery of the different countries and the smallness he felt at the top of the mountains and the wonder of twenty-four hour daylight in Norway.

“Hey!” David exclaimed. “Hang on, I’ll be right back. I got you something.” David went down to his room and was back a minute later with the hand-carved box that he had bought in Oberammagau. It wasn't large, maybe six inches long, four wide and two deep.

“Here. I couldn’t help but think of you when I saw this. It’s a Celtic knot.” David said.

“Wow. It’s beautiful David”, TC remarked. “Thank you!”

David told him about the town and his travels through Germany. When he got to the point where he met Dr. Charlotte he pulled out his phone and showed TC a picture of the octagenarian sex therapist.

TC chuckled at the photo of her standing next to David, making him look like a giant. “She is pretty little huh? You’re right though, she does remind me of Dr. Ruth.

David couldn’t help but smile brightly. “She’s a pistol, no doubt about it! You may get a chance to meet her. She wants to come over in the winter and do a little snowbirding and get away from the cold winters they have.” David got serious and admitted, “She was my saviour TC, she helped me realize a lot of things.”

TC bit his bottom lip and said “Let’s talk about it David. I’d like to listen to you. I didn’t do as much as I should have in that department and I’d like to work on that.”

David nodded, knowing that the moment of truth was at hand. It was time for both of them to lay all of their cards on the table and hold nothing back.

He started. “I was a mess that day. I really don’t remember much of anything from when I left here until after I got to London. That's where I ended up. I walked away from you, went home, packed some stuff and boarded a plane, not caring where I landed. I think, no, I know I had one of the worst cases of sub drop one could ever experience. I was sick for four or five days. When I could finally function again I felt so hollow. Everything was dull. All I knew was that I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t face you, or my family feeling the way I did. It was like I was completely empty inside, like everything good and happy had been drained away. I know I was depressed, Dr. Charlotte made me face that fact.”

TC’s face held a pained expression. It hurt, knowing that David had gone through such an emotional upheaval. He shifted forward slightly, his body language encouraging David to continue.

“Dr. Charlotte told me that when she first saw me, she thought that I looked like a broken man, and I was. It surprised me when she sprang the whole retired sex therapist thing on me. She let me pussyfoot around for a week or so before she told me that she could help me put the broken pieces back together, but I had to show them to her. So I did. I let everything out. I told her about meeting you at FSU, how we discovered BDSM together, losing touch and then reconnecting. I told her about your offer and how we experimented and how things were going so well. I also told her about how I started to doubt myself and how I held back from you. I should have been more honest with you.” David looked directly at TC.

TC answered “I wasn’t honest with you either, but I’ll get to that later, I think you still have a lot to say.”

David sniffed and gave TC a wry grin before continuing. “Dr. Charlotte prescribed a visit to a club. Honestly TC, I was struck dumb. Here was this little tiny eighty something old lady telling me I needed to go to a club that catered to older BDSM followers. She told me I needed to reconnect with my Dominant side. She was right. I went to the club and met a few other Doms and their subs. Two of them invited me to watch their scene. I gotta tell you, it felt really good watching another Dom use his cane on his boy. One prefered a cane and the other a flogger. I watched the look of pure happiness on the sub’s faces as they held the attention of their Sirs. I wanted to feel that again, and I liked wanting to feel that again.”

“Did you? TC asked. “Did you find a sub for the evening?” There was no judgement, or jealousy in his voice, just plain curiosity.

“No. Like I told Dr. Charlotte, I think I’ve reached a point where I need to get to know someone first. One night, casual play sessions are a thing of the past. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to jump back into the arena again, but I do know that when I do, I’ll be at a good place in my head. When Dr. Charlotte grilled me about my evening, she pointed out that I didn’t mention you at all. It was the first time that you hadn’t been in the forefront of my thoughts. She did call me out on being a voyeur though.” David grinned at the memory.

TC laughed “Did you beat off watching a sub get caned? Or was it the one who was flogged?”

David blushed and replied “For your information, it was neither. I waited until I got back to the B&B I was staying at before rubbing one out.”

TC laughed harder and David joined him. Dr. Charlotte had busted him and called it like it was.

When the laughter died down, David got serious once again. “After that conversation I realized I was ready to come home. Come home and face you again. So, now your turn. What kind of trouble did you get yourself into?”

TC took a deep breath. He was still disappointed with himself over losing control so easily and nearly killing himself, even though he hadn’t meant to.

Steeling himself he started. “Please don’t freak out. I’m surprised Lyssa or Renee didn’t say anything to you.”

“How is Lyssa and Renee involved? David asked.

“Your beautiful daughter saved my life, that’s how.” TC said, not wanting to look at David.

David was concerned and it showed on his face. “Talk to me TC, please?”

Another deep breath was needed before TC could bring himself to tell David the details of that awful weekend. He told David how he felt those first couple of weeks, the emotional pain nearly crushing him.

He said “I really don’t know what I was thinking. All I knew was that I was hurting and I wanted the pain to disappear. The alcohol made the pain go away in the moment, but it was still there, lurking. The week I spent in the mental health hospital? It scared the shit out me David. There were people in there who were truly psychotic. Even though I was in the substance abuse section, there were a few guys who were just plain crazy. That’s where I met my psychologist, Dr. Ng. He’s made me face my own reality about our relationship and how I was contributing to its destruction.”

TC paused a moment. Facing David like this was really difficult. He mentally steeled himself and admitted “I made so many mistakes, right from the start. I was so happy to see you again. Being around you made me feel something again. I felt alive, I felt hope. After Elliott died I let what we had fade to the background. I lost part of myself. I had no desire to Dominate again. I didn’t want to keep my promise to Elliot, to find someone else to love. Then you walked across my field of vision in that hotel lobby and, I don’t know, it was like my heart lurched and started feeling again. The love that I felt for you in college and had pushed aside came rushing forward. I didn’t know it then, and I couldn’t admit it until that day that you left. I had loved Elliott. I was in love with him. A part of me will always love him, and a part of me died with him. Dr. Ng made me realize that I was capable of loving more than once in a lifetime. “

TC ran his fingers through his thick black locks, a gesture that David knew he only did when he was nervous. He went on, “Dr. Ng helped me realize a lot of things about what I had been doing to you and hadn’t realized. I made the biggest mistake and I broke the trust that a Dom should have with his sub. I punished you David.”

David interrupted “You never did anything I didn’t want TC, you never punished me.”

“Yes I did. I punished you for not being able to change, for not giving yourself to me completely. Deep down I was trying to replicate what I had with Elliott. I know what you’re thinking. I wasn’t trying to replace him with you, like I said, I was trying to replicate what we had. The only problem was that you’re not truly submissive.” TC explained.

David nodded, as he started to understand where TC was coming from.

TC continued. “Every time we played and I hit you, or spanked you, in the back of my mind it was a punishment for not being someone you were never meant to be. Spanking, flogging, caning, all of it, should be done as a mutual form of pleasure. I think there’s a part of you that enjoys the pain, but with you, it’s not a necessity. Even the ropes and the bindings. I think the sight of yourself bound up is what turned you on more than the feeling of restraint. Am I right?

David thought for a moment before answering. It’s easier to look back at something and figure out what had happened. During the heat of the moment one’s mind doesn’t process things the same way. David realized that TC was right.

“I think I see where you’re coming from. Elliott endured the pain partly because it was his way of making you happy. I enjoyed the pain because it was sexually arousing. I didn’t endure it to please you, I did it to please myself.” David declared.

“Exactly.” TC agreed. “Part of me always knew that what we were doing was supposed to be for your benefit, to experience the ways that being submissive could heighten a sexual experience. We both forgot that there’s an emotional side to a true D/s relationship. We really screwed up. I don’t blame you for bolting like you did. I think I probably would have done the same. Can you tell me a little bit more of what happened to you? Not after you bolted, but before, when you hit subspace. It’s OK if you’re not comfortable talking about it. I’ll drop it if you say so.”

“I don’t mind sharing with you TC, it’s just that those memories are sort of jumbled in my brain. I’ll do the best that I can though. I think I need to have a good look at why I reacted the way that I did.” David told him.

Gathering his thoughts, David explained “I remember so much about that night, and yet there are some gaping holes too. I remember how frustrated you were with me. I wasn’t giving you what you wanted. It aggravated me that you were asking for something I wasn’t even sure I was capable of giving. Something changed though, something happened to my mental state when you asked me if I trusted you. It was never a matter of me not trusting you, It was what I could trust you with. You told me to let go. I did. I remember feeling a shift inside of me. It was like I totally gave in to what you were making me feel. I wanted everything that I did to please you. I wanted to give everything that I had of myself to you, damn the consequences. “

David took a sip from his bottle of water before going on. “Dr. Charlotte asked me what I felt immediately after our ‘post coital bliss’, her words by the way. She didn’t want to know what I was thinking, but rather what I was feeling. I told her I felt safe. Being there with you taking care of me made me feel safe.”

TC’s eyes glistened with moisture. His voice cracked a bit when he asked, almost reluctantly, “What changed? What made you run away from me?”

“Reality.” David said frankly. “I got scared. Plain and simple. It’s like a wave of truth washed over me. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was in love with you and you were with me. That line was crossed and even though we had crossed it a long time ago, this was the first time we both acknowledged it. Hitting sub space with you like that was something I didn’t think I could ever be capable of doing. I was thinking that I was losing a part of myself and becoming someone I didn’t recognize. I never wanted to BE a submissive, I only wanted to see if I could enjoy letting someone else take control. I can’t ever be what you need and that was why I ran.”

“I think I understand. Honestly, you gave yourself to me so completely that night, it was a dream come true. While I was holding you, during that ‘post coital bliss’, I was picturing a life with you, like I had with Elliott. The truth hit like a bucket of ice water when you freaked out. I knew deep down that it wasn’t possible, but I wanted to hold on to the dream for just a little while. After you left I felt like my heart had been ripped out.” TC admitted.

“I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you like that.” David said.

“We hurt each other. What matters now is where we go from here. We can’t be what each other needs so where do we go from here? I just can’t give you up. You’re too important to me.” TC acknowledged.

“I was sort of hoping that we could work on being friends again. We rushed into everything so fast after we reconnected. We never had a chance to rekindle our friendship. How about we start there?” David suggested.

“I think you’re a smart man. You are absolutely right. I would like nothing more than to reconnect as friends. I can’t guarantee that there will be less problems, but it’s a start.” TC agreed.

“There will be problems, there always are. How about this? If we can’t work out any problems that come up we go see your therapist together.” David suggested.

“OK, I can do that,” TC said.

They both stood up and hugged each other, giving each other forgiveness and understanding. It was a good start.

Pulling away TC said “You said there’d be food. How about we work on getting it into our bellies?”

David laughed and together they spent the rest of the evening eating, swimming and getting to know each other as friends again.