Pushing the Limit -Book 2 - 2. Chapter 2

TC let the sound of the water lapping at the side of the boat and the swell of the waves lull him into a somewhat relaxed state. He tried to settle his thoughts, but it was impossible. He tried the breathing techniques that Dr. Ng had shown him and it helped a little. He had started seeing the psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago after going through one of the worst months of his life. His depression hadn’t even been this bad when he lost his partner, Elliott, to cancer several years ago. Maybe that was because he had known what was coming.

This time he had been blindsided by David’s sudden departure. He felt as if his heart had just stopped. It didn’t break. It didn’t shatter. It just stopped. He had gotten a few short texts from him since he’d been gone, usually a quick ‘hi, im ok’. It wasn’t nearly enough, but at least it was something. He imagined that David was struggling as much, if not more than he was.

The first few days after David had bolted, TC had holed up in his condo. Renee had called on the third day, frantic because no one in her family had heard from David. TC told her that they were having some issues and David had taken off. He tried to call many times, each call going directly to voicemail,texts went unanswered too, adding to the worry he felt. Two more days went by before anyone heard from the man. David had sent him a short text and TC was relieved, both to get confirmation that he was alive and also that he didn’t have to hear his voice. His emotions were still too raw and he had been alternating between fits of uncontrollable crying and fits of outright rage.

He called into work the first week. The second week he worked from home and was out on the road as much as possible. The evenings were the worst. He tried to console himself with alcohol, hoping it would dull the pain. That completely backfired on him.

The second weekend after David had left TC had started drinking Friday night, continued as soon as he woke up Saturday afternoon and didn’t stop until he passed out. When he had finally woken up again he was in a bed at Sarasota Memorial Hospital.

His savior had been David’s sixteen, almost seventeen year old daughter Lyssa. She had assigned herself as his personal guardian. As soon as they had found out that David was alright she had called him. He always knew that she was a bright girl, but had never realized how compassionate she was as well.

TC thought about that first conversation as he practised his breathing exercises.

TC had answered his phone reluctantly “Hello Lyssa.”

She didn’t ask him if he was OK. No one could be OK after the person they loved walked out on them . Instead she had said, “Hi TC. Is there anything you need?”

She was a tiny bright spot in his dark world. “No Sweetie, what I need, you can’t help with.”

“Oh TC! I’m so sorry. I’m so angry with him! I wish he were here so I could shake some sense into him. I miss him.” she had lamented.

“I miss him too.” he replied.

“What happened TC? You guys are perfect for each other. I don’t want to lose you!” she said.

“It’s complicated Lyssa, and honestly, it’s between your Dad and me. It’s something that’s come between us and I don’t think there’s a solution. But no matter what, you won’t lose me, I promise.” TC had assured her.

“I’m going to text you everyday. You had better reply, even if it’s just a thumbs up emoji or a smiley face, or sad face. Whatever. Just answer me, OK? I have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” she commented.

“I will, you take care of yourself too.” TC stated as he ended the call.

Lyssa’s insistence of hearing from him everyday had probably saved his life. She had sent him a text that fateful Saturday afternoon and he had been too busy drinking to even look at his phone. He figured he must have passed out sometime between six and seven. After sending him multiple texts and then phone calls, which he didn’t respond to, Lyssa had been freaking out so badly that Renee finally agreed to take her to TC’s condo around eight-thirty. Lyssa and her brother Owen had been there plenty of times when TC had taken all of them out on the boat. The security guard refused to let them up the elevator when he got no answer from calling TC. Everyone underestimated Lyssa and her powers of getting what she wanted.

When the guard refused entry, citing the management’s rules and regulations, even after Lyssa had screamed and cried, nearly distraught at that point, she changed tactics. She took it upon herself to call the police and request a well being check. She had always been told that the police would rather come and check something out than to find out too late that tragedy had struck.

When the officer arrived he escorted them up to TC’s condo. He knocked on the door several times with no answer. When he said that he could not break in without cause, Lyssa’s five foot two inch frame had merely pushed his six foot plus body out of the way. She had gotten Owen to get her the extra key that was at their Dad’s house when he had gone over to check on it.

Lyssa had barged in as fast as her battered leg would take her. She had recovered nicely from the car accident that had taken the life of a friend and left her with a severely damaged leg. Her fractures had healed, as well as the graft she had to rebuild the muscle that had been torn from her calf. She was walking on her own, without crutches, but she still had a pronounced limp, which would lessen with time, but probably never disappear completely.

She found TC unconscious on the floor between his bed and the bathroom. The police officer called for an ambulance. The paramedics were able to get TC to respond to their stimuli, just barely, but in no way was he out of the woods.

On the way out of the building Lyssa had glared at the security guard and through gritted teeth she had growled out “I told you he was in trouble!” Renee shot the man an apologetic look and steered Lyssa out the door. The poor man had only been doing his job.

TC had been admitted and his blood alcohol level was tested. It had come back at 0.308%. He damn near managed to kill himself. The hospital staff had immediately pumped what was left in his stomach and supplemented the IV fluids that the paramedics had started with glucose and vitamins. They monitored him closely throughout the night, as supportive care was the most effective treatment.

The following day when TC had regained consciousness he was seen by the psychiatrist on call. When the doctor had asked TC how he was feeling he had replied “Like Frank Gallagher on Shameless.” The doctor chuckled at the reference and did his assessment, recognizing the signs of severe depression. He recommended a short-term inhouse treatment center. TC agreed and later in the afternoon was transferred to Centerstone where he met Dr. Ng.

After a week of intensive one on one, plus group therapy sessions TC was released. Renee and Lyssa had come to pick him up and Lyssa had practically thrown herself into his arms when she saw him. He held on tight to the little girl who had saved his life.

He pulled Renee into their hug and whispered “Thank you’ to both of them. He had a long road ahead of him to get his mental health back on track, but it wouldn’t even be possible if not for Lyssa’s dogged tenacity and Renee’s faith in her daughter’s instincts.

He met with Dr. Ng twice a week at his office. He had declined the offer of continued group therapy as he just didn’t feel comfortable in that setting. Maybe later when he was able to sort through his emotions and had a better handle on them he would reconsider. Dr. Ng didn’t push him on it, he merely asked him to keep the possibility open.

TC had spoken with his business partner Tom Wells about his situation. Tom had assured him that he would step in and cover him for as long as it took. He had been thinking about hiring an assistant for himself to help out with the financial end of the business and this gave him the chance to make that a reality. His oldest child was starting kindergarten in August and the younger one would be going into pre-school every morning which would give his wife more time to focus on her consulting business as well as free up his time that he had spent taking care of the kids when his wife had needed to work. Her parents were close by and could help out with the kids when necessary as well.

TC looked out over the horizon. He was remembering the boat trip that he and David had taken last year for the twin’s birthday. He never would have believed that a year later he would be sitting here in the hot, humid Florida sun without his best friend at his side.

TC was spending more time out on Triton’s Conch. The solitude was oddly comforting to him. His mind still whipped his emotions around like a centrifuge, but he was starting to be able to control which emotions spun around. Dr. Ng was helping him get them under control. By using his breathing techniques when he felt things getting out of control he was able to focus on whichever emotion was strongest.

Today TC’s sense of loss was threatening to overwhelm him. He drew in a lungful of salty air slowly through his nose and held it before letting it out through his mouth in a controlled manner. He centered his attention on why he was feeling so bereft. His heart knew that it was the absence of David. His brain was telling him to move on, that he had gotten over the loss of Elliott and he could do the same for David. Stupid brain. He didn’t want to get over David. Plain and simple.

TC moved into the shade, the Gulf breeze not doing anything to alleviate the heat from the sun. He was deeply tanned, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t burn. He allowed his mind to have a conversation with himself. Gradually his sense of loss eased into a feeling of accepting the situation for what it was at the moment. He couldn’t bring David back to him right now, but he realized that he would see him again someday and that thought brought him solace.

The afternoon breeze finally kicked in bringing with it an abundance of thick puffy clouds. The rainy season had begun, but they were still a few weeks away from daily thunderstorms every afternoon. He pulled the anchor up and started the engine, letting its continuous hum drown out everything else as he made his way back to the marina. Owen saw him coming and hustled over to help him dock the boat.

“Hey TC! How was the water today?” Owen asked. TC knew that Owen was keeping an eye on him too. He was pretty certain that Lyssa would be getting a text pretty soon.

“A little choppy, but not too bad. Are you almost done for the day?” TC asked, knowing that he usually worked until five and it was almost that now.

“Yeah, I just gotta close up the bait shop and drop off the receipts at the office.” Owen told him and then added, “Do you want to come over and go swimming? Mike is dropping Lyssa off and he and Mom are having a ‘date night’.” he said, using air quotes with his fingers.

TC smiled wryly at Owen’s attempt to cheer him up, but declined. “Sorry Owen, I’m just not ready yet.” TC hadn’t been back to David’s house since this whole incident started, not even to pick up the stuff he had left there. It just hurt too much.

“OK, maybe next time.” Owen suggested.

TC watched as the boy turned and headed toward the small building that sold various kinds of bait, soft drinks and snacks to local fishermen and boaters. Owen had grown into a handsome young man. He stood eye to eye with TC which put him at 6’2”. He favored David in coloring with sandy blond hair, which had lightened somewhat in the Florida sun. His features were more like Renee’s, the shape of his face and his nose. His eyes however, were just like David’s both their shape and their gorgeous blue color.

TC grabbed his bag of stuff that he had taken off the boat and walked across the marina’s parking lot. His condo was a couple of blocks over and it didn’t take long to walk home, not that he really thought of the place as home. David had once remarked that it was a bit sterile and as he unlocked his door and stepped in, he had to agree. TC had originally planned to stay there only a year, but as the year approached last fall, Lyssa had her accident and thoughts of moving had been pushed aside. When his lease came up for renewal TC had opted for the month to month lease, rather than lock into another year. It cost a little more, but he would only need to give a thirty day notice.

Maybe now was the right time to start looking at houses. He was familiar with the area and had some ideas on which communities to focus on. He would give Mike a call tomorrow and see if he still had the phone number of the realtor they had used when they moved down at the beginning of the year. He didn’t want to interrupt his and Renee’s date night.

TC took a shower and made himself a sandwich for dinner. His appetite had shrunk in the month that David had been gone and he had lost about ten pounds. He knew it wasn’t healthy and decided that he would start going back to the gym and start eating better as well.

His phone rang around eight and the caller ID showed that it was Miles. Miles and his wife Andi were friends he had met through David. Like Lyssa, they had been concerned for his well being, right from the start. Since his release from the hospital they had been extra vigilant with their concern. Miles or Andi touched base with him everyday, either with a call or a text. TC answered and spoke to Miles for a few minutes, letting him know that he was doing alright. Miles, more than anyone else, could understand his feelings and he was never judgemental. TC appreciated his concern and he also knew that David had probably asked Miles and Andi to look out for him. He would have done the same. TC went to bed that night content, knowing that he had so many people concerned about his welfare. He hoped that David had the same.

The next day TC had a late afternoon therapy session scheduled with Dr. Ng. He really liked the man. They had spent the time at the Center getting to know one another and developing a rapport as well as TC learning some basic coping techniques. Dr. Ng explained that he wanted TC to feel comfortable with him. He gave TC some background on his life. His grandparents had escaped Vietnam in 1965 with his mother and two uncles. His mother had been twelve years old at the time. Both his uncles were younger, one was eight and the other was six. They had settled in southern California for a few years until his grandfather had found work at a poultry processing plant on Maryland’s eastern shore. The cost of living was lower and the family had made the move with several others who also had family members that had been hired at the plant. The recent immigrants supported each other, looking after each other’s children all while learning the language and customs of their new country. Dr. Ng’s mother was a quick study and picked up English quickly. She helped tutor both her parents and encouraged her younger brothers to study hard. They all knew that a good education was their ticket to a better life.

His mother had done well in school and managed to get some scholarships to attend college. She chose to study nursing and to save on expenses she had done her first two years at the local community college, getting all of her prerequisites out of the way at half the cost of a four year state college. She then transferred to Salisbury State College to complete her degree in nursing and graduated as an RN. Salisbury State was a half hour commute from her home so she didn’t have the added expense of housing to deal with.

She met Dr. Ng’s father at the local hospital where she got a job after graduation. He was Vietnamese also and worked in the radiology department. Both families approved of their relationship and two years after they met they were married. Dr. Ng came along two years later. He had ventured out when it came time to go to college and got a full academic scholarship, including room and board to the University of Maryland in College Park.

TC found him very easygoing and non-judgemental. Being gay and also being into BDSM wasn’t something that many people felt comfortable with. Dr. Ng had assured him that he had dealt with many other patients in the same boat, so to speak.

TC arrived at the office expecting another session to be centered around coping mechanisms so he was surprised when Dr. Ng said “So, let’s talk about dominance.”

“Um, w-what?” TC stammered, not sure if he was ready for this.

“TC, it’s time you start facing some of the serious issues you’ve been avoiding.” Dr. Ng stated. Even though TC’s given name was Triton Christos Panatopoulos, most of his friends and colleagues called him Chris. TC was a nickname from college and David was the one who reintroduced him to it. David’s friends and family all knew him as TC. When their sessions first started Dr. Ng had asked him what he preferred to go by. He had answered Chris automatically, and then corrected himself. TC was the one with the problem, so TC it was.

“We’re going to talk about your need for dominance. So tell me your thoughts. What is it about being Dominant that means the most to you?” he prompted.

TC thought for a moment before answering, “I think I know where you’re going with this. David and I had a discussion about this same subject back in our college days. I figured out that I needed to be in control because I was never given much choice when I was growing up. My parents, especially my father, pretty much ruled my life. I had to get good grades, I had to play sports, I had to follow in his footsteps. It wasn’t until I got to college that I was able to think for myself and make my own choices. I had already come out to my parents in high school. That wasn’t really my own choice, but rather a byproduct of my father insisting that I date this girl or that girl. I finally got sick of pretending to be straight and blurted out that I was gay. He wasn't too happy, but my mother, for once in her life stuck up for me. We have a better relationship now. Dad retired and he’s mellowed out quite a bit. So yeah, being Dominant was a way to get out from under my father’s thumb.”

“That’s all good that you figured that out, but that wasn’t my question. Again, what is it about being Dominant that means the most to you?” Dr. Ng redirected.

He wasn’t making this easy, but that’s why TC was here. He had to think a moment before he said “It’s the control. It’s the fact that my sub needs my guidance, needs me to take care of him, and wants it.”

“Excellent. That’s a good start. Tell me, what happens when you lose that control?” he asked.

“It depends. What do you mean by `lose control’?” TC inquired.

Dr. Ng countered. “You tell me.”

TC sighed. “When a sub doesn’t listen, doesn’t do as he’s told, or is disrespectful to me, or anyone else for that matter, then I correct him.”

What do you do for correction?” Dr. Ng followed up.

“It depends on the sub. My partner Elliott got what we called an adult time out. I would have him kneel down facing a wall or even be in another room away from me. He needed to use the time to think about his actions and how they affected me, or whoever else may have been involved, then we would talk about things later on. With David I used punishment, spanking specifically.” TC answered, his brow furrowed as Dr. Ng made him look at his own actions.

“Why would you punish him? Isn’t spanking supposed to be used during a scene for mutual enjoyment, not as a form of discipline?” Dr. Ng asked.

TC was getting uncomfortable with the direction this was going, but he knew he had to face his mistakes head on and the more Dr. Ng poked at him, the more he realized how wrong he had been.

“What were the differences between how you corrected Elliott and how you corrected David?” Dr. Ng pushed.

“Elliott and I were 24/7 into the lifestyle. Disciplining or correcting him, whether by making him kneel quietly and reflect on his actions or needing to take away privileges, was a better way of handling him. I looked at it as a part of his training, learning to defer to me. David has no desire to live the lifestyle 24/7 as a sub, or Dom. When he misbehaved, I punished him. Contrary to everything I’ve ever learned, I punished him. Fuck.” TC was horrified at the realization of what he had done to David.

“Did either of them ever push you deliberately, knowing that they would be corrected?” Dr. Ng prodded.

“David did, for sure. Elliott only once in a while. He loved to laugh and he loved to play pranks, so when I was the recipient of those pranks, he was the recipient of a nice time out. Many times after we discussed the behavior I’d reward him with a scene. He was a masochist, he needed pain. I’m not a natural sadist, I prefer bondage, but I would give Elliott what he needed, when he needed it. That was part of my desire to take care of him, provide for him, but with David, we limited his submissiveness to the bedroom. It was a mutual decision.” TC told him.

Dr. Ng did not mince his next words, “What made you want to punish David?” He said it slowly and with precise enunciation, effectively forcing TC to grab the bull by the horns.

“Anger.”

“At what?”

“David.”

“Exactly what about David made you angry?”

TC’s chest felt tight, his anxiety was high. He didn’t want to face the truth, but it needed to come out into the open.

“I was angry because he could never be what I needed him to be. I wanted him. I still want him. 24/7. I want him completely. I want him to need me as much as I need him.” TC’s anguish came out as he unleashed a gut wrenching sob. It was several minutes before TC got himself under control and could look at Dr. Ng. He caught the doctor’s eye and saw true compassion there.

“That’s a good start and we’ll try to figure it out. Now tell me about your relationship with Elliott, what was different about it?” Dr. Ng inquired.

“Everything.” TC smiled as he recalled his first love. He told Dr. Ng about how they met, moved in together and how TC collared him. He explained that theirs was a complete D/s relationship. It was part of who they each were. TC recalled how Elliott had needed and craved for someone to take care of him. How happy it felt to have someone rely on him, to give so completely. Their sex life had been varied and full. TC explained his fascination with ropes and intricate ways of tying up his sub, how it excited him and usually led to some pretty intense lovemaking between him and Elliott. He recalled how devastated they were when Elliott was diagnosed with cancer and the abject despondency he felt when they found out it was terminal.

TC stopped talking, his emotions had bubbled back up to the surface and he felt a fresh wave of grief, both for his loss of Elliott and his loss of David. Dr. Ng handed him a bottle of water. The distraction helped him to rebalance his thoughts.

Dr. Ng gave him a moment before he spoke, “TC, you’ve gone through two traumatic losses in a relatively short period of your life. You mentioned in our initial session that you had seen a therapist to help you deal with your grief when Elliott died. Grief is fluid. Losing David is reminding you of Elliott and while the two losses are significant, they are also very different. You are able to love two different people, both in different ways. One of the mysteries of human emotion is its ability to love in so many ways. Your love for Elliott doesn’t negate your love for David and vice versa. You have to accept that you can love more than one person in your lifetime. You’ve worked through your feelings surrounding Elliott, now you need to focus on how to deal with losing David, even though the loss may not be permanent. Elliott died, David didn’t. So now, tell me what you’ve been feeling when you think about David.”

TC didn’t want to answer, but he did, knowing that he needed to. “I’m angry. A lot. I get confused. I know why he ran, but I don’t understand it. I get sad. I’ve cried more than I did when Elliott died. I feel betrayed, lost. I lost my best friend. I want him back. Dammit! I want him back!” Tears welled up, threatening to spill over. Dr. Ng handed him a box of tissues and he grabbed a few, swiping away the moisture before it slipped down his cheek.

Dr. Ng let him pull himself together before speaking once again. “TC, David will come back eventually. You’re here, his family is here. His livelihood is here. I’m going to ask you a question and I don’t want you to answer me. I want you to focus on what your first thought is. If your phone rang right now and it was David, would you answer it or let it go to voicemail?”

TC immediately thought to himself ‘I’d let it go to voicemail’. Hearing David’s voice would hurt too much. He wasn’t ready, especially now when his emotions felt so raw.

Dr. Ng cut into his thoughts and said “I’m pretty sure you’d let the call go to voicemail. This is what we need to work on. Getting you to a safe place emotionally so when David does call, and he will, you’ll be able to hold a meaningful conversation and listen to what he has to say. I’m pretty sure he won’t call until he’s absolutely sure he can handle speaking to you. I hope he can get someone who can help him work through his own issues. There’s no simple answer to your dilemma and without being able to counsel you two together all I can do is help you get to a good frame of mind so you can face him again. I’m going to be honest and tell you that I haven’t ever come across a situation quite like yours. I’ve helped D/s couples work out relationship issues, I’ve helped both men and women deal with their sexuality and gender issues. I’ve never had one half of a couple, with one strong Dominant and one absent, mostly Dominant, but sometimes submissive partner. I can’t predict what’s going to happen, but I promise you’ll be ready for it.”

TC appreciated his honesty and told him so. Dr. Ng wrapped up their session by asking TC to think about what qualities of David’s he admired most so they could talk about that next session. TC left his office mentally exhausted. He stopped at Chipotle for a veggie burrito, trying to stick with his decision to eat healthier.

Back at his condo he called Mike and asked for the number of the realtor he and Renee had used. Mike was happy he was going to focus on finding a house. Renee butted in and added her enthusiastic support as well. TC asked if Lyssa could help him. He wanted a second opinion and the girl had been his staunchest supporter throughout the past few weeks. He could hear her squeal of happiness in the background when Renee relayed his request. Mike ended up handing her the phone and her exuberance lifted his spirits.

He ended the call after promising to text her when he had an appointment set up with the realtor. He needed to speak with his bank too. Getting a loan wouldn’t be a problem, he had a nice cash reserve that would make a sizable down payment and his credit was excellent. He didn’t need a McMansion, but he did want a nice house in a good community.

TC got ready for bed and for the first time in weeks he felt positive energy flowing around him. The black cloud that had hung over him since David left was starting to dissipate and there was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, it was a really long tunnel, but the pinpoint of light gave him hope.