Marco - 4. Chapter 4

Over the next two months, Karl and I met quite often. My mom started to refer to Karl as her adopted son. I got the same reference from Karl’s mother. When I was having coffee with Mom the Sunday before classes at the University started, she mentioned that I seem to be in a very happy mood all the time. I thought about that. Compared to Tony, she was right. Being with Karl was fun, no heavy overthinking, no brother to be butting in telling me what I should be doing. I realize I wasn’t missing Tony. I wasn’t even thinking about him.

I had agreed that Karl would ride with me to and from school. Although our classes would be different, we were able to manage to have lunch together. My mood changed. I was happier. Even Mom noticed, she would smile at me whenever I mentioned Karl’s name.

It was at Thanksgiving break when Mom asked me if I was falling in love with Karl. I didn’t know how to answer her. I knew I enjoyed being with him. He was fun to be around. But, if he weren’t gay, then it would be love unreturned. That would end up bad for me.

We had Thanksgiving dinner with the Nissons. While we were watching the games on TV, I kept looking at Karl. He would look at me and smile. I knew before the day was over, I needed to know if Karl was gay or not. I didn’t want to be hurt twice. Once with Tony was enough.

I wasn’t paying attention to the game. My mind was busy. If and if not, scenarios were playing in my mind. If he were gay, then all would be well, provided he liked me. If he wasn’t gay, what are my options? I could still be friends, but I would be hurt, being close to someone I liked and not expressing my love for them. If he were gay, at least gay for me, then I’d gladly let the world know. But how do I determine his sexuality without causing problems?

When there was a fantastic play by our team, he would push me on the shoulders. I would look at him, and he would smile. I wondered if I could be around him if he weren’t gay. I knew if he weren’t gay, I would need to cool our friendship. That would be hard since his family and mine have grown closer since they returned to the States.

The Monday after Thanksgiving, riding to school, “Karl, I need to tell you I’m gay, and I find you very attractive. If that bothers you, then I’m sorry. Being gay wasn’t a decision I made. It was how I was born.” I kept my fingers crossed, wondering how he was going to react.

“Marco, you know I like you very much as a friend. I’m not gay, but I respect you, and your sexual preferences don’t bother me. I can’t reciprocate. I’m not gay.” After saying that, I hoped that Marco would still want to be friends.

There was a long period of silence. “Karl, I find it difficult being so close to you. I’d like to have a break. I need to move away from you for a time. I have fallen in love with you. I still want to be friends, but I need some space right now. I hope you understand.”

“Marco, in all honesty, I don’t understand. I like you as a friend, and I want to continue being your friend. Maybe, it is a good idea to have a break. But promise me, you and I will stay friends.”

I felt like crying, but I knew that wasn’t the right time. Arriving at school, we went our separate ways, agreeing to meet for lunch.

I started my day depressed after the ride to school. A few of my classmates tried to cheer me up, and by lunchtime, I was feeling better. Lunch with Karl was okay. There were six of us crowded in a booth. We chatted about the game over the weekend. Some of them said they were disappointed in their team. Soon everyone was commenting, and those discussions raise my spirits enough that the ride home was okay. We didn’t joke around like we usually did, but no gloomy cloud was hanging over my head.

At dinner that night, Mom looked at me. “What’s wrong?” How do mothers know these things?

“Nothing is wrong. Why do you ask?”

“Your playing with your food. Did something happen today?”

Looking at my mom, there was never a secret between us. She knew I was gay. She knew all about Tony. “I told Karl on the way to school that I was gay.”

“And”

“He told me he liked girls. I like him; I guess I was hoping he was gay.”

“You have a least three more years of school before you get your degree. When the time is right, you’ll meet your man.”

“Yea, I guess you’re right. I liked Karl. We had fun together when he lived here the first time, and we seemed to pick it right up again.” I tried to smile as I said that, but Mom knew I was disappointed. First, it was Tony and now Karl.

For the rest of the term, Karl rode with me and, on occasions, Tony as well. I decided I wasn’t going to be looking for any boyfriends until I graduated. Maybe, I’ll stay a bachelor.

Just before spring break, Karl told me he was dating a girl who was in his class. My first reaction was feeling hurt. I had wanted Karl. “Karl, that’s great. You must introduce her to me.” Karl smiled. I was happy for him.

Summer break, I went to work for the same company where I worked the last two years. This will be my third year, and I’ll probably work for the next year as well. Once I start my Master’s program, I’ll continue school throughout the summer until I fulfill all of my requirements for my Master’s degree.