The Next Stage - 14. Emotions Running High

Jasper knocks on the door, waits only a few moments, then knocks again. On the third knock, the door opens. He was getting really sick of hitting a breaking point and going for support, only to be surprised by Brayden answering the door.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asks in a defeated tone, absolutely no energy to deal with this.

Brayden shrugs and leans against the doorframe. "You thought I wouldn't be around for the birth of my niece or nephew?"

"Well, you weren't around for the baby shower so..?"

"Jasper! Everything ok?" Beth asks, stepping around Brayden.

"What is he doing here?" Jasper nods towards Brayden.

"Oh." Beth starts, but Brayden puts his arm around her and smirks at Jasper.

"Fuck no. Don't touch her." Jasper snaps, stepping forward and shoving Brayden back.

"You can't tell me what to do with my girlfriend." Brayden shoves him back just as aggressively.

"Girlfriend? Over my dead body." Jasper throws a punch.

"That can be arranged." Brayden blocks it and goes to return the favour, but Beth grabs his arm to stop him.

"Brayden, stop," she orders.

"What about him?" Brayden scoffs.

"Well, if you weren't preoccupied with having a conversation via physical violence, I was going to talk to him." Beth gets between them. "Are you ok?"

"Other than you and dipshit over here being a thing all of a sudden? What is wrong with everyone today? Jesus. Come on, Beth, you can't be serious. Him?"

"What's your problem with me?" Brayden asks.

"My problem is you're an immature dick and Beth is an angel that deserves better!"

"It's hard not to see the irony in you of all people, trying to act protective of her after everything you put her through."

"Right now, I am thinking of putting you through a wall. Fuck off."

"Oh, really tough guy?" Brayden laughs, moving towards Jasper again.

"Brayden, can you leave, please?" Beth orders, pulling him back again.

"Nah babe, you deserve happiness. This guy is toxic..."

Beth steps between him and Jasper again. "Right now, you're the one being 'toxic'. I've known him since we were kids and I will never turn him away. You don't have to approve or understand, but if you care about me, you have to respect that."

Brayden looks at her, then sighs and steps back. He glances beside himself at Beth, less than impressed to be the one on the other side of the door as Beth shuts him out.

Beth wraps her arms around Jasper. "It's happening again, isn't it?" she asks gently, rubbing his back.

"I just walked in on Ryan and Grace making out and..."

"Jasper, you know they wouldn't do that, don't you?"

"I saw them kiss! I'm not delusional!" Jasper snaps, though in his eyes there's a sense of wild panic and doubt. "Why don't you believe me?" Jasper asks, his own voice cracking as the doubt brings tears to his eyes.

"I believe you saw what you interpreted as them making out. I'm just questioning it because I know the way Ryan feels about you and I know he would never cheat. If you had any idea how that man of yours talks about you when you're not around, you'd question how likely it is that you would find him making out with anyone else. I trust it looked that way and it felt that way, but you were in one of those hyper highs throughout the entire party, you weren't yourself. Remember what you promised me last time? That if you weren't coping you'd get help?"

"Everyone is on his side. Like I'm the one in the wrong!" Jasper wipes his burning face as tears start streaming down his cheeks.

"I'm on your side, Jasper. Getting help is for you, not Ryan. You're the one it's going to benefit the most. You told me you'd try to cope on your own and that if it came to it, you'd see someone. I'm going to get the phone number and you're going to call them. Please. I hate seeing you like this." Beth pulls Jasper into a loving hug, holding him for what feels like forever, until the tears stop flowing. She steps back, looks into his eyes.

"I'm ok." Jasper assures her. "Just stressed."

"This whole thing has been a pressure cooker for your emotions. There's no harm in admitting when you're struggling beyond what you can handle on your own. Call them and let them help you..." Beth's voice trails off as she heads back inside the house to get the phone number. Jasper takes the opportunity to run. He passes Brayden on the footpath and ignores him as he calls out. His heart was pounding with fear and panic and the sound of Brayden's voice shouting his name sounded distorted by urgency. His own footsteps almost echoed in his head, thundering as though he's being chased by a dozen other people. It was all too much. He wanted to find somewhere safe to hide until the feeling would pass.

***

Sorry I haven't visited in a while. I've been sending you texts a lot, but I've only just gotten back from tour. It went well. You would have loved it. I hope you were watching." Jasper sits down in the cemetery and leans his head against the gravestone with a lump building in his throat. "I miss you on the good days, but I miss you so much more on the bad ones. Sometimes I don't want to be reasonable and logical, sometimes I just want to lose it at people. I'm trying so hard to not get in my head about this, but Ryan..." Jasper pauses and shakes his head. "I walked out on him. I know I have to go back and talk, but I'm so hurt and angry and I just wish you were here because everything is really full on right now and I'm not coping." He sighs and closes his eyes. "Everything sucks right now."

"Sounds like you could use a drink." Jasper opens his eyes to see a man holding out a beer to him. "Go on, be my kind gesture of the day," the man insists.

"Thanks," Jasper accepts the bottle. The man just gives a knowing nod and keeps walking, heading further into the cemetery. Jasper turns around and watches him sink down with his back to a gravestone. Noticing Jasper watching him, the guy cracks open his bottle and lifts it as if to silently toast to Jasper. Politely, Jasper raises his bottle too, then turns back around. Solidarity in their shared misery.

"Pretty sure I'm fucked, Blake.. I would have thought it was just post tour depression. You remember what that was like, right? It's the best high, then you get home and life is just, normal. I guess that's why we always got straight back into it. This lifestyle was my drug way before I found anything else. I want so badly to love having a family and a regular life with Ryan, but I'm scared. Half of me wants to run now, before the kid learns who I am and gets emotionally attached. When it's least damaging. But I..." Jasper sighs, rubbing his forehead. "Knowing that there is a baby about to be born, that will call Ry their dad. I can't leave. I want to see that. I want to see Ryan's stupid face when he becomes a dad. You should have seen him when he found out we were pregnant." Jasper pauses. The ecstasy of the memory forces a calm smile on his lips. He was so excited when they found out. It had all felt like their life was falling into place and somewhere along the line, it started feeling more like it was falling apart. Suddenly, instead of a due date, he was seeing the birth of their child like an expiration date of his future. The end of everything, not the beginning of something else beautiful. "The thing is, I know he'd be fine without me. He'd be sad until he realised he's better off, then he'd be fine. But me? Well, I didn't come here to tell you about how grossly in love with that guy I am. Sorry. It's hard, though, having to carry this entire conversation. I wish you had literally any input because your silence is allowing my thoughts to just spiral." Jasper looks at Blake's name and traces it with his finger. "I'll shut up now." He leans his head back and closes his eyes, just taking this moment of peace to try to make sense of all of his feelings, but every thought that trickles through leads him to the same waterfall of stress, doubt and panic. "Fuck you. I was so good before you did this to me and now..." Jasper can't even bring himself to say out loud to a tombstone how he was truly feeling inside.

"Jasper?" A calm voice breaks his intensely focused thoughts. He looks up and finds Leo standing a few feet away. "Come on, let me take you home."

"I'm fine. Just having a bad day. I'm not ready to go home," Jasper sighs.

"Then let me take you back to Beth's."

"She called you?"

"She's worried," Leo shrugs, his hands up defensively as he approaches Jasper, crouching before him and looking into his eyes. "I'm worried too. And I know Ryan would be if he could see you right now."

"Ryan is the love of my life, Leo. What if he doesn't want me anymore? I'd have nothing." Jasper tears up once more.

"What makes you think he doesn't want you?" Leo asks.

Jasper shakes his head, standing up and walking away. "He deserves better."

"That's your opinion. Where are we going?" Leo asks, following him.

"That's everyone's opinion. Have you seen what's been said about us being back together?" Jasper scoffs.

Leo grabs Jasper's hand and looks into his eyes. "Would you believe all the people who don't know you, over all the people who do? Because we all know what you two mean to each other and we understand when things are wrong between you, it's usually because things are wrong within you. Nobody else should matter. I need you to make the right choice here for yourself."

***

It’s 2am before he gets home, a bottle of warm beer in his hands. He makes his way upstairs, passing the nursery with the baby shower gifts piled on the assembled furniture lit up by the full moon outside. As he pauses to think about how soon things would all change again for them, he feels his heart sink. He knew he had to be honest with Ryan, just as much as Ryan had to be honest with him, and he hated himself for falling back on habits he’d worked so hard to grow past.

Jasper walks into the bedroom, flicking the light on to wake Ryan up. They were having this conversation now, or it'd never come out. But the bed is empty. He flicks the light off and storms downstairs again, wondering if he was too late. That Ryan would be with Grace. If he could actually do that. Walk away from his marriage and have a life with Grace instead. He is picturing turning up for a family Christmas and seeing Ryan with Grace, their kid in a cute santa onesie. A perfect family, just like Ry deserved.

“Have you been out drinking?” Ryan calls as Jasper passes him, heading to the kitchen. Jasper spins around to see Ryan sitting up on the couch, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"When have you ever known me to drink beer?” Jasper rolls his eyes, doing what he does best and turning to keep walking. Then he stops, turns back to Ryan and gives a sigh. “I went to see Blake. Some other random guy there was drinking by a grave and gave me a bottle."

"Why is your voice all weird?" Ryan frowns. Jasper pokes his tongue out at Ryan. "Is that fake?"

"Nope."

"You got your tongue pierced?"

"I was feeling impulsive. Problem with that?"

"Well, no. It's your body. Do what you like, I guess." Ryan sighs, “we need to talk.”

"You know what today is?" Jasper asks, disappearing into the kitchen.

"Sunday?"

"The date?"

"I know." Ryan sighs again, rubbing his forehead.

"You know, no one mentioned anything to me. Not even Flynn or Beth. I've been so worried about this baby being born today, and me having to handle celebrating the best day of my life on the anniversary of the worst day of my life." Jasper states, returning with two glasses and a bottle of tequila that he'd not touched since this time last year.

"I'm sorry." Ryan nods.

"For what?" Jasper holds one glass out to Ryan.

"I thought you were just being a complete asshole. I didn't realise this was why." Ryan waves away the glass, shaking his head.

"Reasons don't excuse actions. I thought you'd have learnt that from your last train wreck of a relationship." Jasper sighs, sitting beside Ryan on the couch. He places the bottle and glasses on the coffee table before them. "I'm sorry for whatever I did today that made you look at me the way you were at the baby shower. The day has been kinda hazey for me."

"You've been treating me like I don't matter to you, Jas. Today was just the limit for me but it's been going on for a while. Has something changed for you, or is it just because of the anniversary?"

Jasper shrugs, opening the bottle and pouring a shot worth into both glasses. "The last two years, I've had to toast to him alone. As much as 'glad' isn't the right word for this kind of situation, I've been looking forward to not having to be alone again this year. Will you toast to him with me?"

"Will you answer my question after this?" Ryan asks, taking the glass Jasper was holding out for him.

"You fucked me up, asshole. I wish you were here." Jasper raises his glass, then throws back the shot and looks at Ryan expectantly.

"To you, Blake. I'd love your advice right about now, because as I imagine you'd be watching us and know already, I still don't know what I'm meant to do with this guy." Ryan glances at Jasper before downing his drink. Neither of them speak for a few moments, just sitting back and taking some time to mull over the thoughts in their minds. Jasper lets out a deep sigh and wipes a tear quickly from his eye.

"Ry, whatever I did, I'm sorry. You know I love you and I'd never set out to hurt you. You mean everything to me and I love you more than anything. I don't know why I can never just show you that, but I feel it. I feel it so hard it aches to let you down like I have been." Jasper wipes away a few more tears as he breaks the silence.

"I got used to your love language a long time ago Jasper. I don't expect you to show me what I mean to you through affection and sweet words. That's me, not you. I find it amusing and I love you for the way you joke around and play things down with me. What I can't put up with any more, is you always leaving me in the dark about what is going on with you, and walking away from problems. I'm your partner, I signed up or the problems, include me in then. Tell me so I know what you need and how to help and when to give you a pass on being a moody ass. I know something has been going on and it's all just gone to shit today. I am really sick of accepting your behavious because 'something is going on with you' instead of being told what the fuck is going on." Ryan sighs, sitting back and running a hand through his hair as he waits for Jasper's response.

"If you knew how much of a mess I am, you'd want to leave."

"I wanted to leave today, and if you're not going to open up to me now, then that won't change. I'm serious."

"Maybe you should. Go an be with Grace..." as soon as Jasper says it, Ryan is rolling his eyes and letting out a frustrated groan. "You kissed her!"

"She kissed me. I was caught up because I was feeling the baby move, I looked at her and she kissed me right as you walked in. What you saw was it, there is nothing going on with us.” Ryan hangs his head in his hands, annoyed that Jasper was even pretending this was the problem.

“You got caught up sitting on the couch with the woman carrying your baby. I'm hurt, but I'd be lying if I said I was surprised.”

“Don't make up problems. We have enough real problems.”

"I'm not making them up. She's carrying your baby."

"Our baby."

“Oh, stop pretending that means anything. It’s yours. It’s always going to be, it’s your and Grace’s baby. I’ve got nothing to do with it. I’m just here.” Jasper states bitterly.

“Yeah, and you were there from the first conversation about surrogacy, to every attempt at insemination and through every negative phone call and I married you when we found out she was pregnant. How can you say you've had nothing to do with it. It was you I was getting off with, to get her pregnant in the first place. There is nothing intimate between me and your sister Jasper, I don’t love her. I’m so grateful to have her willing to surrogate a baby that’s going to be genetically ours. I love that she is bringing a baby into the world for us. That’s what I love about it all. That’s all I love about her. I’m sorry I kissed her. That was wrong. That was weak of me...”

“But don’t you get it? I’ve had nothing to do with any of this. You bought this house, Flynn and Luke helped move shit in. Grace is growing the baby. You’ve started setting up the nursery. Your mum has been buying us baby stuff. Beth made fucking curtains for the nursery. And I’m just here. I’ve had no part in any of that important, getting ready stuff.”

“Because you've been busy. What did you think was going to happen? Everyone would just let us struggle to get organized? Our friends and family offered to help...”

“I feel shit about it. I feel shit that everyone else is having to step in for me...”

“Because they don’t want you to put yourself under too much pressure to avoid this...”

“And instead what I feel is completely, uselessly, detached from this life because I’ve not contributed! Grace will give birth and we’ll bring home a baby to the nursery I had no part in setting up, dress it in clothes I had no part in buying and I’m just going to call it mine like I have literally any right to after doing absolutely fuck all for 9 months.” Jasper shouts in frustration, getting up from the couch and taking the glasses back to the kitchen.

“You haven’t been doing fuck all, you’ve been on tour...”

“I wasn’t ready Ry.” Jasper admits, turning back to Ryan in tears. "I wanted us to get home from tour. Have a life together for a bit. Start trying again and be here. I wanted to be here through the pregnancy. I wanted to take care of Grace and see her every day and buy the weird things she craved, and pamper her as a thank you for what she’s doing for us. I wanted to enjoy setting things up, painting, buying, and assembling things. I wanted to do all of it with you because at the end of the day, I didn’t make a baby. You did. You and Grace did. I don’t feel like I’m about to become a parent. I’m not ready to become a parent," he crumbles, falling to the floor and holding himself as he cries. Finally, the truth was out, and it only hurt more. The weight of what he couldn't take back felt like it was crushing him. Even if he managed to pull himself together to be a dad when the time came, he could never look his own child in the eyes and tell them he'd been excited about their birth. He'd failed before the baby was even here and the guilt was almost too much to cope with.

Ryan covers his face with his hands, listening to Jasper sobbing across the room. “You could have said no. That last time, when we knew it’d be pushing it with tour and Blake's anniversary. You could have told us not to. We wouldn’t have blamed you.”

“But then what if we missed our chance? I couldn’t keep seeing the disappointment on your face each month when we hadn’t been successful. What if I had been selfish, said no. Then we got back from tour to an empty home with a spare room that we kept failing to fill? I don’t regret that last try. I regret the fact that my career got in the way of us both being able to do this how we wanted to. I know you wanted to be more involved in everything and you couldn’t because you had to follow me around the world and it cost you what you wanted. It cost you the pregnancy experience.”

“And if I’d have stayed home, it would have cost me all the time we had together to ourselves, before this baby comes. You choosing to push yourself into something you weren't ready for didn't just make everything great for me but hard for you, Jas. We suffered in every aspect, because you couldn't just talk to me and be honest about how you felt. How many times does this have to happen before you learn it's not beneficial to either of us, for you to make these decisions for the wrong reasons? Having a baby with someone to make them happy when you aren't ready is the wrong reason to do it! If you don't want to be a parent..."

"I never said that. 'I'm not ready', and 'I don't want' are two very different things, Ry. Don't you dare think that I don't want to parent this baby. I've struggled ok? It's happened so fast and it's been hard. But I do want to be in this baby's life. I have wanted that since the moment we started trying. I just don't feel ready." Jasper explains, hoping he was making enough sense or Ryan not to jump to conclusions and push him away. "Do you want to be with someone else?" he asks with no fight in him.

"Yes." Ryan answers, watching Jasper's shoulders sink. Ryan gets up and walks over to sit beside him on the floor. "I want to be with the guy I fell in love with and married. Not whoever you're being right now. I’d rather have had a good, loving relationship with that you, and never have been able to have kids, then have lost you the way I have been the closer we've gotten to this. If you’d said no to trying that month and it’d taken us years and years, I’d have been ok, because I would have had all that time with the you I fell in love with." Ryan nudges him.

"I should have told you the truth. I thought I'd feel different when I got home. I wanted so badly, to just feel different."

"Just because you didn't say, doesn't mean I didn't know." Ryan admits, absolutely shattered. "I hoped you'd feel different, too. But here we are. Now we have to decide what to do."

"It's too late now. She's having that baby any day."

"I mean between us. Because today has made me question a lot about us and I don't know what to do. If it was just us, I'd say we need to work on ourselves and our relationship, but it's like you said. The baby is coming any day now. They are the priority now."

"I know. I'm going to get help. I'm so scared, Ry. I don't want them to tell me I'm crazy." Jasper breaks down again.

"Don't want who to tell you that?"

"I am so sorry that I'm a mess. Just promise me you won't leave me in there." Jasper gets to his feet shakily, wiping the tears from his eyes and emptying his pockets, his phone and keys on the bench before heading towards the door.

"Where? I don't know what you're talking about." Ryan follows Jasper, a rising feeling of anxiety causing him to feel a shudder of coldness run through him.

"Leo's already called and booked me in. I just wanted to come home first so I could talk things out with you."

"Jasper, booked you in where?" Ryan asks, his hands grabbing Jasper's shoulders and his eyes searching for answers in the absent looking, red, tear-filled eyes of his husband.

"I'm admitting myself." Jasper answers. Ryan feels heavy. The full weight of what Jasper was doing, falling on his shoulders and making everything ache. "I thought I could cope on my own, but I'm a lot more fucked up than you know. The way I was today, I can't ever put you through that again. And I definitely can't put your baby through it. I'm so sorry." Jasper places his hand on Ryan's cheek and presses his forehead against Ryan's.

"How long will you be gone?"

"It's a minimum of three days. Unless they decide I'm too messed up to let leave."

"How bad have things been for you? How much have you not told me?" Ryan asks terrified of how quickly this conversation had derailed their lives. Why is Leo taking you?"

"He's my driver, it's his job." Jasper shrugs.

"No, I'm your husband, it's my job. I'm coming with you."

***

Ryan was willing himself to be strong, but he could feel that the moment he had the time to comprehend what the hell had happened in the last 24 hours, he'd be a mess himself. He almost wanted to get admitted right with Jasper, but they couldn't both be in there for 72 hours. It was already possible Jasper would miss the birth, but it was more important that he get help for himself right now so he could be present for their child growing up.

Leo takes Jasper's bags and Ryan holds Jasper's waist, walking him into the place that would hopefully help them both understand what was going on. Despite how scared Ryan was, he felt so much pride for Jasper having the strength to acknowledge he needed help and to seek it.

Once inside, they barely get a goodbye. Jasper goes to the counter to sign himself in and is taken straight through into an office for a voluntary mental health assessment and Leo and Ryan are told they would be contacted if there were any problems and to confirm his discharge date and time.

They stand back silently, watching him disappear behind the security doors. Nothing for them to do but go back to the car, and back to their lives. Leo strolls ahead of Ryan, a sense of confident focus keeping him from realizing Ryan had stopped following him. When he turns to see where Ryan is, he finds him standing in the middle of the carpark wiping overwhelmed tears from his eyes. Unable to hold it together any longer. Leo walks back over and wraps his arm around Ryan's shoulders giving him a comforting rub.

"He'll be ok. He's in the best place now. They can take care of him. Get a proper diagnosis and medication." Leo reminds him.

"I failed him. I should have understood what was happening..."

"You know what he's like. He didn't want you to worry about it."

"Did you know it was this bad?" Ryan asks, looking at Leo, afraid of hearing that he knew his husband better.

"Look, he wasn't doing great. Since that drama with the charity, he's just gone downhill. I only realised how bad it was when he was disassociating at the baby thing and when I picked him up at the graveyard after Beth called."

"Beth? How did she know? Why didn't she call me?"

"I don't know."

"I was ready to give up on him." Ryan admits, broken-hearted. "He never gave up on me with my mental health, yet I was ready to give up on him."

"That's why he's here. He needs to be taken care of by people who know what the hell they are dealing with. No one would blame you for how you felt. You aren't a professional. Now come on, 71 hours and 43 minutes until we pick him up again. What are you going to do for the next three days?"

"I have to get ready for this baby and hope to hell it doesn't come until Jasper is home." Ryan sighs heavily. He also had to be calm and grounded somehow. Prepare for whatever the next few days might bring.