The Next Stage - 16. A Little Ray Of Sunshine

"Do you reckon she had the baby and just hasn't told us?"

"Are we ticking paranoia as day five's mystery symptom?" Ryan answers.

"Fuck you."

"Or anger?"

"You're such a dick."

"Suth a dith." Ryan mocks. "How is your tongue?"

"You tell me." Jasper says then pokes his tongue out.

"It's all swollen and gross." Ryan teases, as he steps in closer to look.

"That's from all the dick I sucked in therapy." Jasper says, giving Ryan the finger.

"Yeah, that'll do it. It looks pretty much fine actually. How long does it take to heal?" Ryan asks, sitting back on the edge of the bed.

"Three weeks for kissing, three months for head. Figured we wouldn't have time for either of those things anyway, but trust my sister to not only make it to full term but be overdue. She's going to hold that baby in another three months and pop it out the day this piercing is fully healed just to spite me. I swear to god, if you are marking down symptoms right now, I'll punch you."

"Paranoid, angry and sexual. We've got the whole trifecta. Seems like the meds have stabilized and you're back to normal." Ryan holds up a calendar he'd been tracking Jasper's daily medication reactions on.

Jasper shrugs, snatching the calender off Ryan and reading over it. "How long are you going to do this for? Because I'm honestly not loving it."

"Sorry. I used to do this for myself when I was starting or changing medications. It just helped to understand where I was at and why I was feeling certain ways." Ryan lies back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and chewing his lip. It'd been a week since Jasper's manic episode had thrown things off course for them, and it'd been one confusing week. They kept having these 'normal' conversations and feeling like nothing was wrong, then falling into these silences. Jasper had described his manic episode as feeling somewhat like a dream, but reflecting on it, even Ryan found it hard to think of it as real. It was probably because they had just moved past it like it wasn't even a thing. They weren't exactly fine, of course, but they also didn't know what they were entitled to feel about it.

Ryan was still hurt by the way Jasper had acted, but he couldn't exactly blame him for it. Jasper was still feeling confused and guilty, but he hadn't been in the right state of mind to be fully at fault. So they just left it in the past and were doing their best to be their normal selves.

***

The moment Jasper hears Brayden's voice, he wants to punch him. He wasn't going to apologise, no matter how much he knew it'd mean to Beth for him to get along with her choice in partner.

"Since when?" Ryan frowns at his half brother, confused.

"After your wedding, we started talking..." Beth answers with a sweet smile, though it fades when Jasper walks into the room.

"Oh, please. Don't stop telling your love story on my part." Jasper sighs.

"How long have you known about this?" Ryan turns to Jasper.

"The baby shower wasn't the best day for me catching surprise couples." The bitterness in his tone was the one thing still hanging between them. Ryan couldn't promise Jasper enough that it was nothing.

Jasper didn't hang around to bring everyone down, but Brayden thought it was a good idea to try and talk to him.

"What's your problem with me?" Brayden asks.

"You give off major 'I'm just using you' vibes. Beth deserves someone amazing, not someone smug and shallow." Jasper answers bluntly.

"Get real, Blake was smug."

"Are you capable of talking to me without making things worse for yourself? Don't shit talk him to me. I'm fairly sure you came here to convince me to give you and Beth a chance, not make me hate you."

"Would you give me a chance, even if I deserved it? I get that I'll never be good enough for her in your eyes, but I do really like her."

"Cool. What's your plan, though? Are you moving over here? Hoping she'll move over there? Are you going back to uni? Do you want a family?"

"Calm down, it's casual." Brayden shrugs.

"Right. So, this isn't serious to you?"

"It's not serious to her either. She wants to get back out there and have a relationship, but she doesn't want to replace Blake because she feels guilty dating anyone. I know she's going to outgrow me eventually but right now she just needs something with no expectations or promises."

Jasper looks at Brayden in a new light, reconsidering. Knowing that Brayden wasn't trying to actually be her boyfriend, and was more of a therapeutic rebound, was oddly comforting. In a way, without the romantic aspect, that was what Jasper had been for the last few years living with her. He'd been her comfort, her support, and her partner. They'd cook together, stay up late talking, fall asleep cuddled up to each other whenever they felt lonely. For Jasper, it was temporary. He had Ryan waiting to whisk him away and share all of those moments with. Jasper had worried about Beth being alone. If Brayden's intentions were this simple, then it seemed like not the worst idea, after all. No expectations, no promises, just someone.

"Bipolar?" Beth lowers her voice, glancing in the direction of the back deck where Jasper and Brayden were talking. "When was he diagnosed?"

"Last week, after 72 hours of intense voluntary therapy. He booked himself in after seeing you. Says you wanted him to get help. Why didn't you call me that night?"

"You'd kissed his sister."

"She kissed me, it was not my intention. I'm pretty sure it wasn't hers either. It doesn't matter I guess. It happened."

"Ryan, I understand, ok? I adore Grace, but I'm not at all surprised that she kissed you. I just know that Jasper was really hurt and if I called you, he'd have done something dumb. Just like Grace has a tendency to cling to the wrong people when she's emotional, Jasper has a tendency to do dumb things when he's emotional. I guess now we know a bit more about why."

"He said that he's had problems for a long time. Has he?" Ryan asks.

"Oh gosh, the whole time I've known him. He's gone through a lot of these kinds of stages." Beth sighs. "Back in his senior years, he skipped a lot of school and started being such a pain to teachers when he did attend class that he would be sent to the office. I collected his homework, kept him up to date on what was happening around the place. After a few days, he'd be back and acting like nothing had happened. He had trouble taking accountability, because the way he saw it, everyone else was in the wrong."

"No one ever thought maybe something was going on?" Ryan asks, surprised to hear just how far back this went.

"Other than being a hormonal teenage boy? Of course not. We were in our final years of school. There was pressure to pick a good career amd he was heavily advised against the career his heart wanted. Not to mention our parents were putting pressure on him to court me. Him lashing out and having mood swings seemed totally normal given all of that. That's why his parents organized with the church for him to go overseas. They thought it'd ground him but he was spiraling way back then. When he got home and joined the band, he was branded as having an attitude problem and people thought it was funny. No one cared what was driving it." Beth sighs.

Ryan thinks back to his first impressions of Jasper. His entire persona was jumping from one mood to the other, and Ryan himself had never thought too hard into it. "I loved the unpredictable nature," he admits.

"Exactly. Especially when he and Blake made it look like it was all in good fun to have more extreme reactions to things. It didn't look problematic and I think he got so used to exaggerating things that it was hard to see when he was playfully being over the top, and when he was in one of the 'moods'. I forgot completely, until he was living with me again through lockdown. We were grieving together a lot. I believed that was all it was until I finally recognized the pattern of obsessive highs to not getting out of bed for days. I tried to get him help. He was adamant it was just grief and his situation being stuck apart from you. There's always been a convenient excuse for it, so it was hard to know when to worry. I didn't want to worry you if it was just Jasper being Jasper. But then again..." Beth's words trail off and she sinks back into the couch.

"Yeah. Jasper being Jasper, is a worry. Because it's not just him, it's him being mentally ill for a decade while people laughed about the way he acted." Ryan sighs, sinking back with her.

"We have to forgive ourselves for not knowing better." Beth sighs, resting her head on Ryan's shoulder.

"I could have been more supportive, though."

"You've had to stress about everything he hasn't been able to stress about. That's a lot to put on one person. Don't discount everything you've been going through just because he's been going through his own battles."

What Beth was saying made a lot of sense, but it didn't take away any of the guilt Ryan felt. He'd been fairly upfront with Jasper about his depression and anxiety years ago, and Jasper had taken that into account in the way he treated him throughout their relationship. The least Ryan could have done, in his opinion, was open his eyes and see what was really going on instead of assuming that Jasper was fine. He was never fine. There was always something going on with Jasper that he managed to cope with, and Ryan had often been impressed by that. He'd figured that losing Blake was the start of this, but to hear Jasper had been having problems since he was a teenager and it'd been shrugged off, was crushing.

Brayden and Beth don't stay long. Jasper sits on the balcony, pretending he's not watching Ryan dance all over the backyard, with a notepad in his hands waiting to be filled with song ideas, but instead he's flipped to the middle of the book where he's got a list of names divided into I GIRL I BOY I GENDER NEUTRAL each column had at least a few names written in them, but they were names he would settle for. None of them stood out, and none of them felt right. He'd been practicing writing some of them with their last names. Even writing them beside his and Ryan's name to see if it at least looked like it fit.

Naming a human was hard. They had to sound sweet as a child, he cringed at the thought of himself at 5 years old, being called 'John'. It was probably a better adult name than 'Jasper' but that's what happens when a teenager rebelliously renames themselves to spite their parents. He wanted the name they chose, to have meaning, to be strong yet gentle. To be old and modern all at once. Just like the perfect house, there were a lot of boxes to tick and he'd just not found it yet.

As the afternoon rolls into evening, Jasper was starting to feel jittery and nauseous. Ryan marked it on the calender and Jasper threatened him with divorce until Ryan threw the whole stupid calender in the bin and ran him a bath. Actually, his exact words were, "get rid of that fucking thing, it's not helping me."

The bath did little to calm his restlessness, and when Ryan served dinner, Jasper couldn't eat. The nausea had gone to full blown stomach cramps.

"Maybe you're in labor." Ryan makes the mistake of joking.

"Or maybe I'm just sick of you." Jasper snaps and promptly sends himself to bed.

***

Jasper sits up and grabs his phone, looking to see who was calling. He'd been tossing and turning for hours, keeping himself and Ryan awake. They'd barely managed an hours sleep before it started righ

"Who is it?" Ryan grumbles, rolling over and snuggling against Jasper.

"Grace." Jasper yawns, setting his phone down so it would stop ringing. For a few moments, they both start drifting back to sleep before Jasper's eyes shoot open. He grabs his phone and, as if they shared a brain now, Ryan pulls back the blankets and flicks the light on. Jasper answers the phone, putting it on speaker as he gets out of bed too.

"Flynn's taking me to the hospital." Grace goes quiet and neither Jasper nor Ryan breathe for the entire 40 seconds it takes before they hear her give a pained, slow exhale. "My waters haven't broken yet. B-but. Oh, this is definitely happening now."

"Oh god. Ok. Fuck. Baby time." Jasper looks over at Ryan, who's gotten his pants all the way up before realizing they are on backwards and is now struggling out of them. "We'll be there soon. We'll. We'll be there really soon." Jasper hangs up and spins in a circle. Ryan passes him the clothes they'd set out for this exact moment so that in the excited panic they wouldn't have to go looking. They'd washed these in special baby clothing wash to make sure they weren't going to hold their baby on any harsh fabrics that could cause skin irritation. Yes they were over the top.

Ryan was regretting choosing a button up for the occasion because he had tears in his eyes already and could barely see the buttons, Jasper finishes pulling his own clothes on and helps Ryan with the last button then they take a moment, just to stand together and enjoy being the two of them before they became three. Somehow, though, they didn't feel as full together as they always had. There was something that was missing. The moment they had answered the phone, they were three.

Aware that precious time was passing, they both make their way to the car, feeling as though they are moving so fast their feet weren't even touching the ground. Ryan was so emotional that Jasper took the keys from him and gets in the driver's seat. He starts the car and gulps as he turns on the lights and reverses out onto the street. Ryan had never actually seen Jasper drive before. He had a licence, but he'd always allowed himself to be chauffeured. Some time ago, when it was being discussed that Leo wouldn't be putting a baby seat in his car, Ryan had suggested that Jasper might need to start driving so he could take their child places if Ryan wasn't there. Jasper had been adamant about never driving, but maybe these medications were taking away the anxiety he had towards driving.

The only questionable choice he makes behind the wheel, is flooring it through an orange light, but in this circumstance, Ryan was pretty sure he'd have done the same thing. He does however, park pretty terribly, not that either of them cared about that either right now. Jasper and Ryan hold hands as they enter the hospital, navigating their way to the maternity ward and being led to the birthing suite. Down the hall is the sound of crying newborns. If reality hadn't already hit, it definitely was now. They would be leaving with their own newborn.

The first thing Jasper does when he enters the room Grace is in, is rush to her side and take her hand. Ryan is clearly unsure of what to do, wanting to be near but afraid of overstepping a boundary now. Ryan had not so much as spoken to Grace since the kiss, and he didn't know how Jasper would feel about him comforting her with that being such a recent fuck up. Flynn, thankfully, swings an arm around Ryan's shoulders and gives him a big grin.

"Welcome to labor. You haven't been through this before yet, have you? You're the only one in this room that hasn't yet seen her vagina." Flynn obviously hadn't been told, because there was no way he'd make that kind of joke if he had any thoughts of Ryan as a threat. Grace's pained groan takes Ryan by surprise almost as much as the way Jasper strokes her hair from her forehead and speaks with calm encouragement while his hand is being crushed by her grip. It was exactly how Ryan had hoped he'd act, but not how he expected. It probably helped that Jasper had helped her birth Ellie all on their own in a bathroom, so for them, this was a walk in the park. A hospital bed and a pair of midwives were going to waste with these two acting like old professionals at the birthing process.

"Ok, I'm going to check your dilation. Can we have everyone other than the father? Please step out of the room," one of the midwives asks, stepping around Ryan as she pulls on a set of gloves. Jasper looks over at Ryan, then their attention falls on Flynn, who is holding Grace's other hand. The three just shrug at each other. "Who is the father?"

"Technically... Me?" Ryan answers.

"I'm her husband though, and I'm not leaving." Flynn states in an assertive, protective tone.

"She's my sister, he's my husband, it's our baby." Jasper explains and can't help but laugh at the confused way the midwife looks at them each in turn, considering this information for a moment before a well-timed contraction steals all of their attention. Poor Grace is writhing on the bed, her face flushing red and her eyes squeezing shut. Her grip on Jasper's hand also tightens, and he reaches his hand out for Ryan. Without a moment of hesitation, Ryan is by his side, avoiding looking at Grace's exposed lower half as he passes. His hand takes Jasper's just as Grace's weakens and she relaxes.

"Are you comfortable with them all being here?" the midwife asks, looking at the machine that was monitoring Grace's contractions.

"Yes. I want them all here. I need them all here." Grace nods before another contraction hits and Jasper's hand is once again getting crippled in her grasp. He kindly passes on the pain, squeezing Ryan's hand.

"When this contraction passes, I'm going to check your dilation, is that ok?" the midwife asks. Grace nods, though nothing but a pained groan is coming out. "Ok. You're doing well. This is a big one," the midwife states with her hand on Grace's abdomen, feeling the tension of the muscles as it slowly fades away again. "I'll be quick because these are getting close together."

The contraction had ended, but Jasper's hand was still squeezing Ryan's tightly as they wait to hear how long they could expect this process to go for.

"You're 8cms and I can see the baby is crowning behind your waters. I'm going to break them to help bub come through."

"Good job, baby! Broke our record." Flynn smiles, rubbing her hand and placing a kiss on her forehead. "We were only 6cms when she came in for the twins and they were out in less than an hour," he grins over at the terrified soon-to-be parents. "They say the time in labour just about halves with each birth," he winks.

With Grace groaning and squeezing their hands again, it seems like it's going to be even less time than that. The contractions were coming so often it barely felt like they had a break between them. The midwife breaks her waters and Grace is almost immediately screaming that she s pushing.

"I'm not even trying, I'm pushing. I can't stop it," she states in a panicked tone.

The midwife ducks down to check what is going on. "That's ok, if you feel like you need to push, then push. Your body has done this before. Trust it. It looks like you're fully dilated now," she announces. Grace wasn't squeezing his hand anymore, but Jasper is squeezing Ryan's like it's the only thing keeping him from running away. "This baby is in a hurry to meet you all."

"You gonna watch?" Flynn asks, his eyes set on Ryan.

"Oh, no, I'll. Uh." Ryan shakes his head.

"I can see the baby's head. On your next contraction, I want you to push down, ok?" The midwife barely finishes speaking before Grace's body is autopilot trying to birth the baby.

"You should watch. You never get another chance to watch your baby be born. Don't miss it." Flynn encourages Ryan sweetly.

"Go on." Jasper nudges his reluctant husband.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asks.

"One of us should watch our kid be born and since I've seen it before, it's your turn." Jasper fakes a smile and lets go of Ryan's hand. Another contraction starts straight away and Ryan quickly moves down to watch the birth of his baby. Jasper's eyes stay fixed on Grace.

"That's good, you're doing beautifully Grace. That's it. Well done, that's the head. Now next contraction, I want just a little push. Take it slowly while we get these shoulders out." The midwife instructs. It's Ryan's turn to be crushing Jasper's hand. Jasper glances at Ryan who looked completely pale. "Well done Grace. Ok, next push we'll have a baby. Who will I be passing the baby to?" the midwife looks expectantly at Jasper and Ryan.

"Let go of me, get back down there." Jasper urges, trying to pull his hand free from Ryan's anxious grasp.

"Oh, they are coming already, this baby isn't waiting for anyone," the midwife laughs to herself as Grace barely has to do a final push. There's a moment when the room is so deafeningly silent before the shrill, high-pitched cry of a newborn pierces the atmosphere and Ryan drops Jasper's hand, turning to see the baby. Jasper squeezes Grace's hand, tears in his eyes as he listens to the mumbling of excited voices behind him. He risks a quick glance towards Ryan to see his husband gorgeously sobbing into a crying bundle of blankets.

"What have you got? What have you got?" the midwives ask him excitedly, knowing damn well because they had seen all the ultrasounds and been the ones to pass the baby to Ryan. Still, with the most elated look on his face, Ryan's eyes meet Jasper's and everything around them fades as he waits for Ryan to answer.

Jasper feels as though his soul is leaving his body as Ryan chokes out through enamoured tears, "we've got a daughter."

"You can let go." Grace fakes a smile, though she looks like she's on the verge of a meltdown herself.

"Are you ok?" Jasper asks, stroking Grace's sweaty hair from her face and kissing the back of her hand while one midwife talks Flynn through cutting the umbilical cord.

"I'll be fine," Grace sniffles as Flynn comes back up to her side.

"You're incredible, babe. I love you." Flynn hugs her and she starts crying into his shoulder. Her hand lets go of Jasper's, so she can hold Flynn tight with both arms. Jasper steps back and looks at them, loving the way Flynn cared for Grace. Sure, they had been a little rocky lately, but Flynn supporting her through this was a testament to his love for her.

Ryan is about to bring the baby to Jasper when Grace calls out that she needs them to leave. The midwife leads him out, and the room is silent other than Grace's poorly masked sobs. Jasper had been worried that this part would be hard on Grace. It was physically, a huge thing to go through. But to give up a baby she'd spent 41 weeks, 3 hours and 11 minutes growing, was impossible to imagine. Jasper waits by her side until Flynn pulls back and they both realise Jasper is still there.

"You should be with your family," Grace says weakly, not even pretending she is ok.

"I am." Jasper answers.

Grace looks into his eyes, her own filling with tears. "I don't deserve this..."

"You deserve more than I can ever give you," Jasper hugs her delicately. "Never kiss him again and we're fine," he whispers.

"Don't worry, I'm going to give you guys lots of space. I didn't think it'd be this hard." Grace wipes her tear-filled eyes.

"You'll be alright darling." Flynn leans down to kiss her forehead again. "You go Jas. It's ok. I've got it covered." Flynn insists with a smile. Jasper hesitates, then turns to the midwife, who was waiting for him. He didn't feel right leaving Grace in this condition, but she had Flynn. Besides, there was someone Jasper needed to meet.

"Where's my husband and baby?" Jasper asks, unable to even believe he was asking that question. The moment that had felt like forever away, was here.

"They are just through here." Jasper is led out, down a hallway and into a room with dim lighting, a heated newborn cot beside two single hospital beds. Sitting on one of the beds is the love of his life. Shirt unbuttoned to allow for skin to skin with their newborn child who was silently taking in the cuddle, no doubt asleep to the sound of Ryan's heartbeat.

Despite all his fears and doubts, Jasper's feet and heart send him to Ryan's side without a second thought. Ryan looks up as Jasper approaches, a smile so soft and full of love it almost melts away all the thoughts that had made them both question whether this was the right thing for them to do.

It's only as he stares down at the baby in Ryan's arms that he realises he doesn't know who Ryan is holding. They needed a name, but first... Jasper's hands rest on Ryan's cheeks as he presses their lips together in a tender kiss that is only broken when Jasper realises it's his tears he can taste. He runs his thumbs over Ryan's cheeks, then wipes his own tears away.

"I love you so much, Jasper. I love you more than anything and I will never let you question that again," Ryan tells him, the love in his eyes sparkling from the dampness of tears.

"I know," Jasper gulps. "I'm sorry that I keep bringing it up. I know you didn't mean for that kiss to happen."

"God, I'm in love with you." Ryan whispers, his eyes welling with tears again at the sight of his husband holding their baby." Jasper flashes him an elated smile, like he knows exactly how Ryan is feeling. "I mean it, Jas. I am not in love with your sister."

"Well, you've just watched her give birth. If that's not a turnoff, I don't know what is." Jasper jokes.

"It helps that I was never turned 'on' to her. She's not you. I appreciate what she's done, but if you could feel how I feel every single time I see you, you would understand how no one else will ever even get close."

"Aside from her." Jasper says, holding his baby up and touching the tip of his nose to the tip of hers.

Ryan's heart swells so much he's amazed it doesn't explode. "Aside from her."