Trash Polka - 29. Chapter 29

Forcing a smile, I followed Kenji into another fancy restaurant. This one apparently had sushi. I was going to be out of my depth as per usual. I glanced down to my slim fit blazer covered mesh shirt and cringed a little. My hair was a mess from the wind too. Next to Kenji, I couldn’t imagine what I looked like. It was his day off and he was still dressed to the nines. We were guided to a secluded part of the restaurant where a round table with a white tablecloth sat in the middle of the room. There were candles and flowers on the table. I felt heat rise to my cheeks and I felt silly immediately as Kenji pulled out my chair. When he settled across from me, I had a hard time meeting his eyes.

“Are you alright?” He asked, looking up at me. He held a menu in his hand and his eyebrow rose. The one that always raised independently. It had a mind of its own. I watched him put his menu down and I jerked my attention away from his eyebrow, “River?”

“Oh, I’m good. Sorry. I’m just a bit uncomfortable.”

“Why?” He frowned, leaning forward slightly as his eyes scanned over me.

“I’m not used to being in places like this and I’m not dressed for it.” I shrugged, flopping my own menu open. It was pointless. The entire thing was in Japanese. It just gave me an excuse not to look at him.

“It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing if you’re with me.”

My mind caught on the ‘if’. If I was with him, it didn’t matter what I wore. What about when we weren’t together? A brief flash of insecurity scorched through me before I could stop it. I grit my teeth, pleating the tablecloth between my fingers as I continued to avoid looking at my significant other. I paused for a minute. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever referred to Kenji as anything other than Kenji in my head. That’s what he was. My significant other. Boyfriend felt almost too juvenile for the sharply dressed man seated across from me. But then it also seemed strange to not give him some kind of title in my head when I'd been throwing plenty of pretty big feelings his way.

“River. Come out of your head and join me for dinner.” He rested his hand on the table, palm up and I stared at it for a moment. Slowly, I slipped my fingers over his and he held it while keeping his eyes on mine. Once I’d relaxed enough for him, his eyes dropped back down to his menu.

Kenji ordered, as per usual, and I stared at our hands clasped there on the table. I’d spent the entire day unable to touch him and now that I could, I was a little dazed. I watched as his fingers left mine. His wrist then rotated his hand so he could link our fingers. My gaze jumped to his and I tried to keep the surprise off my features.

The smallest smile pulled at his lips, “Something wrong?”

“I don’t think we’ve ever held hands.”

His smile grew to an expression that a normal person might make. An actual smile that lifted both corners of his mouth as he spoke, “No. I don’t suppose we have.”

“It’s not horrible.” I said softly.

“No.” He raised my hand and kissed my knuckles gently, “Not at all.”

I frowned softly, “Are you going to be gone all day tomorrow?”

“I took tomorrow off as well actually.”

He blinked in surprise, and I knew I was probably beaming at him like some kind of idiot as I asked quietly, “Really?”

He nodded, kissing the top of my hand this time, “Ai’s going to have to do without you another day.”

My shoulders dropped suddenly, “Wait, I have to go to the shop tomorrow.”

“I’ll come with you then.”

“The shop’s tiny. You won’t fit with the rest of us in there.”

I was frowning more now, and Kenji shook his head, “Then I’ll find something to do in town. I’ll give you a ride.”

“Are you sure?”

“River, I’m all yours tomorrow. I promise.”

*

When I woke up, I was groggy for a moment and then I made myself sit up. I glanced around the room and then listened. I couldn’t hear Kenji anywhere, but he could be getting something to eat or maybe he’d stepped out for breakfast. I pawed for my phone and started browsing. Maybe I could pick the event for today’s outing. I pulled my knees up, balancing my elbow on one of them as I rested my cheek in my palm. Scrolling through my phone, I waited. After a half hour, I started to feel the normal drag of disappointment.

I got out of bed. Then, pulling on a robe, I walked through the hotel room. When my eyes landed on a note and bouquet of flowers on the counter of the kitchenette, I grit my teeth. That initial disappointment had morphed into a monster ripping at my insides. It had horns and fangs and was tinged with a bit of anger as well.

River-
I’m sorry. Someone made an error and I was called in. I couldn’t get out of it. I’m not sure when I’ll be back. I’ve told Ai to take you somewhere for dinner. She has my card.
-K

I crumpled the note in my fist and resisted the urge to sweep the vase of the counter. I took a few deep breaths and went to sit on the couch. I dropped my phone onto the cushion next to me, any plans I’d been making for the day forgotten. I rubbed my fingertips against my eyes as I fought my own little war against the shitty feelings inside. They would do no good. Dragging my phone back to me, I unlocked it and typed out a quick message.

[R: I was not prepared.]

I was still struggling to keep my emotions at bay, and I resisted the tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I wasn’t a crier. I wasn’t a fucking baby. I could handle this without being dramatic. I forced myself to breathe and jammed my feelings down.

[Alec:What do you mean?]

Thank God. I should’ve reached out sooner. I was sick of feeling alone. I’d managed to cope with my few hours at the shop. Ai helped of course. Kenji did as well when I actually saw him, but I was starting to think it wasn’t enough. I needed my friends. I needed Alec. I was bull rushed by homesickness and I longed to hop on a plane.

[R: Just how busy Kenji is. He didn’t even pick me up when I got here. I maybe see him for a couple hours every night and he’s normally still working on something in the hotel room!]

[Alec: I mean…he has all of his business…business.]

[R: Shut up. It sucks. I feel like I’m always alone. I don’t speak the language and Tokyo is so freaking big it’s terrifying.]

[A: Come home?]

Is that what I wanted? Did I want to cut my losses and hop on a plane? Did I want to end whatever was going on between Kenji and me? Did I want to end us? I dragged my fingers through my hair and let my head fall back as I looked up at the ceiling. At the thought of leaving Kenji and ending things, pain gripped my heart and stole my breath. No, that’s not what I wanted. I glanced down at Alec’s message and started typing. It became a paragraph quick but then I realized, none of those sentences mattered.

I pictured my hand in Kenji’s. I saw his smile. It’d taken me a while to earn a genuine smile. It changed his entire face. Lit it up in a way that warmed my insides and made a disgusting fluttering happen in my chest and stomach. Realization dawned. Something in me cracked and stole my breathing. Revolting. Tears burned my eyes again and I pressed the call button after deleting the wall of text I’d typed.

Alec was rushing to apologize as soon as the call connected,“Hey, listen if that ups-“

“I’m in love with him.”

Alec was quiet for longer than I was comfortable with. I tried to keep my breathing under control as I glanced down at my phone. The call timer was still going and I could faintly hear my friend breathing. My heart rate was far higher than it should have been and the fluttering in my stomach was starting to turn. I stunned Alec into silence. Hell, I had surprised myself. Since when had the "feelings" become so much more?

“Are you sure?” I paused. Shit, was I? Did I even know what it meant to be in love with someone? I’d never had a good relationship with love in general. Maybe I was wrong.

“Yeah, well, I mean I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before, but this is different from anything I’ve ever felt.” I said, now failing to control my breathing.

“Hey. Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay to be scared and it’s alright that you feel that way.” Alec’s voice was gentle, and I felt a little bit like he was talking me off the ledge. Desperation was creeping in, darkening the edges of my mind.

“Tell me I’m crazy. Stupid. Tell me I need to come home, Alec.”

“Why would I do that?” I tried to keep him from hearing as I started really struggling to keep my emotion out of my voice.

“Because it’s true.” I choked on the words, losing a battle with a few of the tears I’d been fighting since the start of the conversation, “I can’t do this, man. I’m so freaked out and I barely ever see him. Is this what my life’s going to be? Fuck that. Fuck this. I don’t want to be in love.”

“River, breathe. You’ve only been there two weeks, so obviously these feelings aren’t new. Have you talked to Kenji about any of this? Not even the love thing-though you should-just how alone you feel?” Alec asked.

“No. He’s here for work. I knew that when I came. It’d feel weird complaining now.” I sounded pathetic. I was shaking apart. This is not how I expected today to go.

“That’s not like you. You always talk about things when they’re bothering you. This is the second time you’ve avoided doing so with Kenji.”

“I know! I know, okay? I feel childish as fuck and I hate it, but I can’t do it.”

“Deep breaths, pin cushion. I know you’re freaked out, but maybe it’s a good thing? It could mean your feelings are real. You don’t want to throw that away Riv.”

I sniffled and wiped at my cheeks, almost angry when my hand came back wet. I swallowed hard, trying to keep from launching into full on sobs. I didn’t need that. No one did. I had to go into the shop later. If I completely lost my shit, how would I cope?

Alec sighed, “Listen.”

“I am listening.”

“You care about him?” Alec asked.

“Y-yeah.” I cringed as I hiccupped into the phone.

“He obviously cares about you. Anyone can see that when you two are together.” I tried to see his point, I wanted to agree, but I was still being strangled by my own emotions as he continued, “Then you don’t actually want me to tell you to run. You aren’t a runner, River.”

“I’ve never had something that scared me enough to want to run.” I mumbled as I started to get myself under control.

“Run toward Kenji instead of away. Double down. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll deal with the fallout, but River, what if it does? I want you to be happy and I’ve never seen you look at anyone that way.”

“Have you tried poetry?” I said as I sniffled and then cleared my throat, “Alright, meltdown, finished. God that was gross.”

“I do it to you all the time.” Alec said and then paused before saying, “My turn?”

“I will pass the break down baton to you, good sir.” I said with a laugh. It felt good to get it off my chest. I felt free.

“Nothing is moving as fast as I wanted. I haven’t heard from Finn today. He hasn’t been able to get his classes and everything together, so I have no idea when he’ll actually come here. It’s been two weeks, and I feel like a piece of me is missing.” Alec rambled.

“Oh good. I’m not the only irrational crybaby. I get it. He’s your person. He was that way when we were younger too. His presence comforts you.” I said.

“Shut up.” I smiled at the forced petulance in his voice.

“I’m positive Finny boy is just as desperate to get to you as you are for him to come. He’s obsessed with you. In a cute way.” I laughed again.

“I feel like I’m going to have a real break down. I want to go back. It’s so lonely here. I had friends and I never acknowledged them and I feel like an asshole.” Alec was still rambling.

“Wait, which friends?” I frowned as I interrupted. It was way easier to focus on that and not how familiar Alec's thought process was. Before I'd reached out, I'd been battling the same looping thoughts.

“August, Sage, Lukas, and Cam.” Alec sighed.

“You’re an idiot. They know you’re friends. They’ve always considered you a friend. They just also know you’re a bit of a loner.” I shook my head and laughed, “You’re so damn dense Alec.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t be a brat now. I love you. They love you. Finny boy loves you.” I wiped my face again and smiled up at the ceiling.

“Yeah, yeah. Go tell your serial killer that you love him.” I grinned, hearing the smile in Alec’s voice.

“Hm, he did come to the hotel without his suit jacket last night. Maybe it had blood on it!” I said. Of course, that hadn’t happened. Alec didn’t need all the sordid details of the most romantic 24 hours I’d ever experienced.

“Goodbye weirdo. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Let’s practice! I love you, Alec!”

“I love you too, dork.”

“That’s not how you should address Finn when you say it. You c-“

“Goodbye River!”

As I sat on the couch, I rubbed my neck. I felt a lot better. It didn’t feel like the entire world was pressing down on my chest. I thought over our conversation and tried to plan my next move. I wasn’t entirely happy with the time I got with Kenji. I wanted more and I knew that, realistically, I shouldn’t expect that to change. It wasn’t fair to him, but this wasn’t fair to me. I missed my job, I missed my support system, and I missed my home.

That didn’t mean I wanted to end things with Kenji. Rather, I needed to find some kind of solution where we were both happy. Kenji had responsibilities and so did I. I wasn’t interested in a world where either of us had to sacrifice our entire way of lives for this to work. We’d just have to figure something out. Together, hopefully. If I ever saw him again. I should also probably get around to telling him that I…loved him.

I stood slowly. It was far easier to fix other people’s problems. I scrolled through my text threads and tapped the one I wanted. I raised it to my ear and swayed back and forth as I listened to the phone dialing.

“Hello?”

“Finnnnnnyboy!”

“Oh, hey River.”

“You busy?”

“I’m, uh, no I’m not busy.”

“You okay?” I frowned. Finn sounded off. Strained in a way I didn’t have an explanation for. Finn and I were friends, but I wasn’t as tuned in to him as I was to Alec or August.

“Just…I’m being pathetic.” He sighed.

I could relate. I’d nearly had a mental breakdown because I had realized I was in love with the man I was dating. It wasn’t really a realization that would violently startle most people. Either way, I knew a little something about being embarrassed about how you handled an adult situation. We were grown men. Skipping around big feelings because we were scared of what might happen if we acted on them.

“What’s going on Finn? Tell papa River.”

“Don’t be fucking weird.” Finn laughed, “I just…man I miss Alec. Nothing is moving as fast as I want. Being an adult is hard sometimes. I just want my man back, ya know?”

“Then go to him.” I said, shrugging.

“I have to figure out my classes. I’m trying to get through my work as fast as I can. I’m turning in as much early as my professors will allow, but if I put it on hold or something, Alec will have my ass.” Finn sighed, a note of frustration entering his voice.

“Well, alright, I need to leave in an hour. In that time, let’s come up with a battle plan Finny boy. As much as I love you, I love Alec more and he’s sad. He misses you too.”

“Let’s figure it out then. Thank you, River. For the help. You've always been the textbook definition of a good friend.”

*

"Think of me when you're out, when

you're out there

I'll beg you nice from my knees

And when the world treats you way too fairly

Well, it's a shame, I'm a dream"

I hummed softly along to the song, rubbing my cheek. It'd been a while since I just relaxed and listened to music. Too bad I wasn't relaxing. Shifting nervously, I glanced down at my phone. It was almost ten pm. My back hurt a bit from working in the cramped shop. Pressing my fists against the small of my back, I tried to crack it. I gave up after a moment, wincing. I glanced up at the ceiling. I’d made some decisions today while I was bent over my client’s ribs. I wanted to set a return date. When I’d come here, my return had been up in the air. I wanted to cement it. I also wanted to let Kenji know exactly how I felt.

My stomach dropped at the thought, and I shook my head. It was going to be okay. Even if Kenji didn’t feel the same…it’s not like I’d never been in a serious relationship before. It wasn’t as though I’d never told another man I loved him in a way that wasn’t platonic. I took another breath and rubbed my chest as my anxiety pressed against my sternum and ribs. I wasn’t going to let all that stop me. Part of me needed this. The honesty. I wanted to lay my cards on the table. It felt oddly defiant. In spite of all my past hangups, my inexperience in commitment, and my mental health issues, I was going to do something for me. For once. It helped that telling Kenji I loved him would soften the, “I’m going home for real” news.

Gripping onto my determination with white knuckles, I sighed. Everything would be far easier if he didn’t keep such horrific hours. I’d been waiting to bear my soul since this afternoon. It was rough. I waited another 45 minutes and then decided to move to the bed. I was getting tired and sitting up was starting to hurt my back. When I’d settled on the move, I made to stand. Then I jumped and dropped my phone on the couch when the hotel room door opened. Kenji stumbled in and I frowned, standing.

“I’m fine.” He snapped before I even opened my mouth when he stepped into the light.

The left side of his face was bruised, the sclera of his eye red and angry looking. I stared at his back as he staggered to the bathroom. He was holding his side. The door slammed shut behind him and I heard a hiss of breath before the sound of running water drowned everything else out. I stayed standing in the middle of the room, eyes wide as I remained frozen. My plans had been completely derailed and I no longer knew how tonight was going to go