You & I - 18. Chapter 18

To Watson,

It's okay I don't expect an immediate reply, people get busy, things happen, therefore, no hard feelings. Plus, I am assuming your life is more complicated than mine. You have so many more people to spread yourself around to, and I know I'm only one person in your pond or sea… perhaps the ocean. I have no idea how large your body of water is.

The dentist was okay, everything's good. I don't have any new surprise cavities that need filling. I got my mom to make me an appointment so that I can be confident that my teeth were fine. The other night one of my incisors was a little painful.

Consequently, I wanted to check. I've never been a fan of dentistry's either. I don't mind having to sit in the waiting room, or having them stick a tiny mirror or a sickle probe into my mouth. I've always been relaxed when reclining in one of the chairs. The only thing I still find weird is having to look up the nose of the person, or when they look down at me directly in the eye.

Is it weird for Nathan Briar not to get all pissy and shit? Just asking, I don't associate myself with him, so I'm curious. Only, I reckon the sight to see was hilarious when it happened, too bad it didn't happen in one of my science classes.

It's never nice to see people get hurt. However, when watching YouTube videos, I'll make an exception. It's hilarious to watch some crazy lady or guy go off on a tangent when they don't get their own way.

They brought it on themselves. Once I saw this crazy lady who stole a kid's bike, it was comical. I wish I could remember the name of the video, except, the knowledge escapes me.

Maybe paying attention from now on in class before you do a demonstration will be useful. I wouldn't want to hear about a student inadvertently blowing himself up; only to find out it was you who wasn't paying attention to what you are mixing in the science beaker. We all should feel concern and worry for other people, we have lost an appeal to that emotion or connection.

Some people will take advantage of that commodity more than I'd like to admit. I have been a victim of their unfortunate act, and it has left me feeling a little worthless. I surmise there are worse things to fear than being helpful to someone rather than not being nice. The moment you start to stand up for other people, then you'll stand up for yourself.

I have found in the past by making the hard choices other people do not wish to take, I learned to grow and adapt myself and, in a way, it has helped me to take the leap for some choices I wouldn't have chosen otherwise. The first step in solving any problem is admitting that there is one. Brave can come in so many flavors that when you agree to make a change that's the real act of bravery.

The real you is far more exciting and entertaining then who I suspect you are. That's right, Max… I read all your letter first. However, I surmised who you were before you even told me. You left very little to the imagination, and I have been able to make a pretty educated guess on your identity. Even without your name being added to the document I sort of knew who you were talking about.

Plus, I know what you look like, and you are the last person I'd expect to like classical music. It's true, but that doesn't matter you're an awesome person on the inside and that's all that should matter. I can see why sometimes you feel crowded with all the attention. Now don't take this the wrong way, but you're a pretty good-looking guy, girls are going to be all over you… not metaphorically speaking.

You know what I mean. Except, I do pity you in a sense considering that's only one aspect of your life entirely. You are a jock, you're going to have a large gathering of girl supporters, fans, and sponsors at your back for most of your high school career.

They'll want you to go on to university, but I recall seeing you at the school talent show last year playing the piano accompanying some girl who I can't remember what her name was, but you still go a mile because your popular.

Perhaps sports is not what it is you are supposed to be doing; music is what you ought to be producing. When you start believing what you are lying about, that is when you begin trading a special part of you.

Nobody else can make up your mind, that is all you. No one in the world gets to decide whether you should be traded for another person unless you choose to let yourself fall helplessly into this trap.

Choosing to stop is hard, the act of stopping is not. It's just whether you want what it is you desperately need to be able to want to stop. I only have one question for you. What are you so afraid of? You have everything at your feet, and I don't believe your father is a source of fear for you when you want to make up your mind.

It makes you seem like the type of person who is a go-getter when you put your mind to it. It almost feels weird calling you Max after I've been calling you Watson for so long, but why are you so afraid to show the soft side of you to anybody else like you've done here with me. In a way, your words have been warm and homely to me. I'm not sure if that's much coming from a lonely nobody who roams the halls as if he doesn't exist, just eventually, there will come a time that you wished you had stopped trading yourself for a false person and it will be too late.

I have never pretended to be anything less than I am, I guess I'm just ashamed of my particular problem. Only, I have never hidden it in plain sight for everybody to see, I think even you have seen me. I'm that one kid that's everywhere but is never seen. So, do yourself a favor, stop pretending… don't settle for the role of something you have no passion for, aim higher.

You see, I told you the caretaker wasn't all that bad; his bark is much worse than his bite. Sometimes we make the wrong assumptions of people when they're having a bad day. I'm not condoning actions from certain individuals when they're having a defective day that it is good or acceptable to be able to berate someone. Sometimes people are so overworked and have very little respect that; all it could be is just a bad day. Perhaps the caretaker has no double meaning to his apology, maybe he just meant sorry, and that's all there was to it.

Lucky you, I don't ever get any free classes. Our teachers are punctual and have a groundbreaking level of attendance. Hell, I don't believe I've had a substitute teacher since third grade, now that's a long time. I can't remember what it is like to have a class that is not supervised, but it sounds cool and mystic as if I'd enjoy it if I got to experience it. If I do have a free moment I'm usually in the library, that's where I spend most my time anyway. I've been wondering the same thing whether I can take your letters home and return them on Monday.

I don't see why we'd have to ask for permission? I highly doubt having to ask, although, I guess there could be worse things than taking home our classwork to actually do it. Except, the assignment has gotten way out of proportion, and I no longer care about the grade I'm getting any more. I remember you asked me if I could help you with your grade and we've never implemented that into our letters. We became friends instead, and that's better than any category I can ever achieve.

I don't do too well with having breaks. Anytime I take time off to recuperate, I find myself overthinking. Nothing would please me more than to have a vacation in the middle of school for both of us, but the sad reality is if I did, I'd feel more inclined to ponder choices I wish I could be doing or could have done or a tidbit of both.

Perhaps next week I'll take your letter home so that I don't have the stress of having to reply to your note before the school closes for the evening on a Friday. I've been getting headaches a lot lately, and I think it's down to stress.

Reasonably, I don't give my brain a minute to relax when most people don't use their head as much as I do. Sometimes when all you do is think, it gets very noisy inside your head. I used to have mind splitting migraines when I was about 10. I'm so thankful that I don't get them sort of headaches anymore. After a while, my mom took me to the hospital to have an MRI, yet everything seemed okay upstairs.

It's rather peculiar considering after the little scare, I picked up a book and studied the brain. It's hard not to want to know what is wrong with you, and the ironic part is I contributed to more headaches by stuffing piles of information into my head. I suppose I feel at home in my own world, and even I forget to tell myself to take a break.

You have no idea how good it feels to be able to walk out into the street and pass under a tree. The experience is weirdly cratonic and profound in a way I'd never envisioned a tree. Just thinking about the wind lazily flooding through the thick branches and brush makes me think of a warm sunny day, and somehow that eases my mind.

Yes, my head feels like it's melting from the inside out when I have too much on my plate. The odd thing is I never see the warning signs, I'll keep pushing until it's too late and I start to feel a tingling sensation at the top of my head. The sentiment you are feeling is tension, I don't know how to describe it clearer than that. I've had that feeling a lot, and I think it's better than having a migraine even though it's uncomfortable. Perhaps we should learn to take it easy every once in a while… although for me, I know it is going to be extremely hard considering when I know there is a problem I research the issue.

I believe you can be tense without having anything to be anxious about. Sometimes you can have an overwhelming sense of drowning I guess I ought to say. You might feel like everything is closing in on you, and you have much to do, but you're not making any leeway. It could be possible that you have anxiety attacks. Mind you; my headaches don't hurt my eyes all the time, it's only sometimes. And no... I don't wear glasses before you ask, nor do I look like Harry Potter, Velma Dinkley or Milhouse from The Simpsons.

From the sounds of it, you do have anxiety attacks or anxiety in general. The way you describe the winding rope around your chest and shortness of breath. I don't know any other symptoms that give it away as quickly and sufficiently as shortness of breath, and to the point, you feel like you're panicking. My family knows about nearly every medical condition I've had.

My parents know about my headaches, and I get checked up regularly to make sure it's nothing like a tumor or crap. However, I suppose it's comforting knowing that everything is okay. People don't seem to mind it; it's a normal thing, you know. My brain overcooking is probably the equivalent to your knee giving out. You shouldn't feel embarrassed if you feel like you're under pressure.

You'd be surprised how willing people will be to help you out if you admit that you need help. I know this is not an AA meeting, I'm just saying when you say they need help with things someone will always be there. Yes, I think it is very plausible to get trapped by something you like. I don't know how to show the evidence that is right in front of us, but we are living proof that our condition exists.

Perhaps that's what it is we need to escape from our everyday lives like science and sports. Therefore, I have a new idea to break the ice. I'll just throw in a couple of things that could be of use for us to get to know each other.

The other day I was looking at my bucket list, and I concluded why not ask you what is on yours. What is it you would like to do in your lifetime. Think of 10 different things you would love to do and let me know. Mine are as follows,

1. Skydiving.

2. Invent the time machine to go back and meet Stephen Hawking.

3. Dogsled.

4. Visit Alaska.

5. I'd like to make a new best friend. My last BFF was an emo girl, but you know the two of us are far from each other now, so we drifted apart.

6. Learn to drive.

7. Again, my independence from my parents.

8. Star in a commercial.

9. Go to a paint party.

10. Last but not least, to bath in a hot spring in Iceland.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses; the main thing is if we decide to try it or not. Many people will give up because it's too difficult for them. I'd assume my reaction to restoring a car would be like you giving up science.

None taken, I presume if I were the stereotypical 1980s geeky guy, I'd be filthy rich by now. Except, most things have been figured, and now I have no idea why I have been placed on this planet. I firmly believe it all depends on what it is you are looking for. Some things require attention and patience, not everything can be rushed.

I'd love to be able to go with the flow, but I only can do that when I come from swimming and stop off at McDonald's on the way home to plug the gap in my stomach. If I were to rush into an equation in chemistry, there could be a lot of things that could go wrong or a simple error in the calculation could mean hours, weeks even loss of work. Knowing where it is you stand, and where you intend to go, bides your time. It helps you appreciate the time spent getting there.

I reckon what you have said holds a lot of truth, people find it easier to talk about the mundane stuff than complicated material. Being able to talk about pressing matters, I assume makes it viable to weed out the people who have no place to be able to discuss difficult issues. When most people are confronted with a hard choice, they conform or either get angry. Many people can try to radically look at the extremes on both sides of the fence. We need more people who can see on either side of the divide. Except, we have conditioned ourselves to separate that also. Either you are on one party or the other, or you're not on either side it at all.

Plus, if you try to point out something that the other side has correct and the other wrong, you are labeled a traitor. The world is a hard and scary place. Folks need to get used to this that things are not as how it seems in the movies. When you look at it, life is very dull and drab… the only thing we know how to do is violence because we respond to that so alarmingly brilliant that we crave to see more of this type of behavior. People will nod and say it's a terrible thing when an unspeakable act happens. Only people are also intrigued by the prospect that such a thing could happen. So, does that make us martyrs of our own free will? I assume it is one of the reasons why people vandalize.

Humans know nothing else other than violence. So when you talk about it, it becomes an interest. The only reason our mediums of storytelling have disassociated from the harsh reality is that they are a distraction. When you think of it, every form of fairytale has some grisly back story or meaning to it.

Sleeping beauty is about rape. Little red riding hood, it's about a pedophile, Hansel, and Gretel, a cannibal.

The list goes on, humans like violent things and they would say they don't, but there are reminders of it everywhere no matter how far or distant you try and put yourself from it, the horrible intrigues us.

I presume whenever you talk about movies or games, it's just another watered-down version of an old tale, that was shockingly horrific. People do bad things, stories give us the harsh truth, but in a diluted manner.

Do you think in the Roman age, seeing a head being chopped off would have been censored…? I don't think so. We hear of such stories in today's world, except not in exquisite detail. Yet, the condition of the head being chopped off still baffles us if we read it, witness it in a movie or hear about it.

Not at all, you are the last thing from mundane. I'll start concocting the plans right away, and explosive diarrhea will be made. Now, my kind sir, your question is admirable… who do we target? I'm kidding, of course… or am I? Muahahahahaha

How is it I sound to you? Is it the pre-conceived disposition that I will not be able to take care of myself and that I'm some gimmicky sidekick, that the real badass has to come in and rescue me while I'm dangling 1 foot from the ground in the bowels of Gotham city.

Now I am intrigued… a Catwoman outfit seems fitting for your character. No wonder I turned up in a morph suit lol.

Yes, I am Goody-goody shoes. Though, to state the obvious, you just contradicted yourself there. You said you're not a problem child, but you have been written up for misconduct, vandalism and what you have it. There's a word for that… an oxymoron… so now.

Yeah, I got a little antsy. I'm just trying to flaunt my intelligence, please ignore me. As a personal question, but what do you do when you skip school?

What could be so fun that you disappear for hours? Is it the thrill of knowing that you should be somewhere else and you are not, or is it just you feel like you have an understanding somewhere else?

Another question… what do you do when you ditch class?

Do you honestly think I'd make a good president of the student body? I find it difficult to find what pair of socks I'm going to wear every morning… and they're all white tube socks… I'm so bad at it; not that I don't care about it, just nervous. I'll get into it when I feel more comfortable around people. It does take me a while to warm up to folks I don't know.

I imagine it takes you next to nothing to know people considering you're so easy to talk to. I have never been in a group for pooling my efforts. It will be odd knowing I don't have to do everything myself. Plus, hello! Have you met me? Not officially, but I'm just saying here… I'm not the captain of a lacrosse team who has the most power of influence on the team.

How am I supposed to know what it's like to be in a specific position in such circumstances and understand what it feels like? I can only appreciate my accomplishments, not yours. But I'm not repeating this… well, I am… choose music.

Sorry, you feel like it is a one-sided relationship. Remember my emo friend I told you about earlier? Our friendship disintegrated to that sort of level that I no longer felt like I knew who she was anymore. I don't want to name names, I'm not that sort of person, but it was horrible not being able to trust someone I thought I could.

The bond I believe you are referring to is affection. Your mother could be less affectionate toward you. Perhaps she concludes you don't need to be babied or chaperoned because, in her mind, you have already reached a state of independence.

Some people are not the type to be able to sit down and cry with. I feel sorry for you, it seems you have nobody in your family you can talk to. Except, don't forget your little brother, you'd be surprised what stuff those guys come up with.

Often at times we only have so many responsibilities to manage, sometimes folks are blindsided by what is essential. It could just look from the outside that your mother is too busy to talk to you. Only, I guarantee if you take the chance to speak to her, she will listen, mothers do.

Looking for help is not a crime, you know… you can ask. I don't really know what it is like to feel pressure when you are highly liked. The only admiration I get is a sad glance in the hallway every so often as if to say I pity his parents.

I'd be surprised how much a pep talk could change the temperament of everybody on the team. Perhaps if you try to share the burden with a couple of teammates, things will work out differently.

I'd really like to take the chance to say counselors can be invaluable folks. No need to be skeptical about stepping foot in one of their offices. Everything is done in strict confidence and respect. I doubt your position in school will affect whether they should or should not meet you for a session. I'm going to take a leap of faith here and please don't hate me for it, but I'm going to put your name down on a piece of paper and slide it under one of the counselor's doors.

Trust me on this, I'm not walking you into an ambush or anything. Except, I think there is more than what meets the eye. I can't seem to connect with you on that level, and it seems something is hurting. I never mentioned it until now, but I just want you to know I am aware of it, but I'm not exactly sure what it is, and how I should go about it. Nobody will know that you are going.

At either morning or afternoon registration, you will receive a letter slip, and that will outline your appointment. Please don't hate me for this, but I just want you to be happy. It seems like there's a sadness in your words occasionally that I don't know how to help you with. Plus, if you don't hate me after this, I'm still here to listen and try and talk about things if you desperately want. It's nice to know I cheer you up. My ramblings only work for so long, although, if I can be of assistance, I just want to help.

I've never known Justin Blake in such a manner before. I spend my time focused on my studies while in school, whereas you might have the chance to notice his facial expressions and hand gestures and whatnot… which might I add is weird. How is it you have come to see all these things about Justin. I don't tend to study a person's hand gestures or facial expressions and get to know what they like unless I like… Oh… Em…Right… weird question, but do you like Justin?

I know I don't have the right to ask, but you've talked about him regularly in our messages, and I don't know why I did not see it sooner. You can tell me that I'm totally wrong here… and that I have gotten things backward.

However, before you do, I have nothing against folks who are different… or gay or… or… sorry. I don't mean for this to be awkward, but it's really okay if you are. I have a cousin in Phoenix whose gay and I'm happy for him. If you want to tell me it's your business, then, I'm sorry for prying, and I should've kept my mouth shut and pretended it wasn't there. I promise I won't tell anyone, I just want to be helpful, and you seem lost. Just to state the obvious, I like tacos… oh and Hershey's.

My God, you are turning into me… your statement about feeling like you're drowning in your hobby is all too real an experience that I can relate to. If I didn't step away I'd go insane, so mind your mental health. If you take care of your juicy brain, your brain will take care of you. Be that as it may, I ponder every choice I make carefully in consideration before allowing myself to run with it.

The previous lines you have no idea how hard it was for me to confront you on the topic of sexuality. Again, I am deeply sorry if I have offended you on that, it's just I've done nothing more than praise my cousin, and I just wanted you to know that I am okay with it if you are.

When you are naturally adapt to a particular situation, you'll never understand what it is like to have it until it's gone. The mad world we live in is so crazy that you and I; we both have secrets about one another. Except, I just want to hold my secret back a little while longer. I'll get around to it. I promise just I don't have the phrases and words.

I don't want you to think less of me. Not many people talk to me because they think I'm helpless if I'm honest. You're the only friend I have… I don't have any other friends. I don't talk to anybody else outside school or in school. I am my own island, and I appreciate it in a way, only sometimes it does get lonely. I believe you'd make a great company as a friend, but with my secret, I don't want to disappoint you or feel ashamed. I'm not ready to meet you.

I just can't, not yet, I promise it's not about the contents of these letters, it is a personal problem. You never know what you have until it's gone, so treasure what you do have.

Please… I'll never forget this moment. I've gotten to talk to one of the most popular kids in the school, and the thing is he's really cool. I've learned a lot of things that I thought at first would have been hearsay. Though Max, you have bewildered me in a way I never knew possible. I love how you like classical music, not many kids our age do. I like it when you're openly honest. You have shared a great deal about your life, and I know I am not much of what you could consider somebody in your peer group, but I am impressed. I'm not trying to be closed-minded here although I never thought jocks could be as exciting as you. All we need to do now is show who we really are, and once we get past that hurdle, there will be no stopping us. Since I met you I've begun to talk to more people every day in school, I have affirmed that my education is not everything, that I should focus on my passions for the sake of enjoying them rather than excelling in them. If you think you haven't taught me much, then I think you have to guess again, you've shown me so much more. Plus, nothing's wrong if you're from Alabama… just saying.

Plus, you should totally hang out with your little brother. If I had one, I would, even if they annoyed the crap out of me. Perhaps that is what you need. To let bygones be bygones so you can overcome the idea of you hating your brother. I repeat this is not an affiliate saying it is okay to bury your brother. I'm kidding, anyway I think I should call it here, I have said a lot of stuff that gives you lots to think about. I hope this doesn't make things between you and me awkward.

Until next time,

Sherlock

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