Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
You & I - 19. Chapter 19
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To Sherlock,
I'm not sure what I am meant to say to your last letter… Look I'm not gay okay. It's not my fault I notice the little things other people do. Don't... I'm okay. To be clear, I'm not gay. I'm not.
You don't ask a person how to do things; you just notice them if you look for them. It's sick, I know. I've tried everything to make the thoughts stop. Except, every time I try, they never go away. They are in the back of my head like crickets on a warm night in July. You can't do anything about it. All I can do is listen to the humming. No matter how hard I try to stop the buzzing inside my brain, it never goes away. I'm not gay.
You can't tell anyone, okay. Please don't tell a soul. I want it to go away. I even think about if I can't make it leave. I assume that if I disappear, maybe, then I wouldn't have to deal with it. I didn't want to be this way. Why would God be so cruel, I've never done anything to deserve this. It makes me feel ugly, like a freak locked in a cage in a circus or a steaming pile of dog shit.
When I was younger, I held the impression I could rid myself of my feelings. I even got sick thinking about it. I tried everything to make the horrible feeling that I was welcoming about my friends to go away. I tried scrubbing my junk with a scouring pad to stop me getting erections. Instead, I ended up at the hospital, but the thing that made me this way was still inside me. I don't want to be this way. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to like girls, tell them how pretty they are, kiss them, have sex with them, start a family, and have kids. Though, I can't, I don't feel anything towards girls. I don't know how to fix myself.
Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, suffocating, and I can't tell anyone. I don't want to tell anyone, it makes me ill. Only, when I see Justin, it makes me wish I could be like that. How does he do it? How can the guy be so happy, fearless, and confident without feeling sick? I think the reason my dad treats me coldly is that deep down he might know. I don't want to be one of those kids on the street who is pointed at being called a faggot.
Last summer, I had my first girlfriend. Do you know Zoe on the cheerleading squad? Well, we were a thing for a while. Anyway, until Zoe figured something wasn't right. I wasn't trying to blow her off or anything, and I did work really hard to make myself like her.
I wasn't doing it to make my dad happy or my friends, I was attempting to prove to myself to like it. I wanted to be a standup guy. I walked her to school, carried her backpack, opened every door for her, made her smile and laugh, but now when I think about it, I was never smiling. I think things went a little sour when Zoe and I had our first kiss.
Every Fourth of July, my family throws a huge barbecue party in our backyard. All night I was trying to gather up the courage to kiss her. I won't lie. I was nervous, and I did genuinely want to kiss her. Except, something always held me back, I couldn't bring myself to do it, and that is until it was almost home time, and I walked her out onto my front porch.
While we waited for her mother to drop by, we sat on the porch swing and talked a little. It was then I got the impression Zoe knew I wanted to kiss her, and she wanted me to kiss her. In all of the craziest moments, I could come up with I decided to just go for it.
I turned to face her and said, "all right, I'll just go for it."
There it was, my first kiss in the entire world, and it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, but I didn't feel anything. Zoe got all bashful, and when her mother arrived, she practically fell down the steps of the porch and climbed into the front seat of her mom's SUV.
A month later, Zoe and I were alone in her house since her parents had to attend some charity function. Therefore, I decided I'd stay at her place until her folks got back. I didn't have any malice intentions, though Zoe hinted toward me that she wanted to go further with our relationship.
Most boys would be thrilled by the prospect of having sex, but I couldn't enjoy it. I didn't want to be humiliated for not being able to do it; so all throughout the act, I thought of boys… I imagined Zoe was another guy while she gave me a blowjob until it happened.
Except, I don't think it fooled Zoe. She could sense something was off, she even asked me a couple times when we were doing it.
The question was always, "do you like it?"
Can you imagine if she said to her girl-friends that I wasn't good at sex, that would be so bad? So, I had to try. After the night, Zoe did you know… She broke up with me one week later.
In a way, I was glad. Except, in another way, I wasn't because more girls were interested. When she gave the offer at first, I thought maybe this could be it, maybe Zoe can change me back. It seemed to take a lot longer than it ought to do. After the moment, I started to realize that maybe I'm never going to change. It's like I'm someone different every time I meet a new person. I'm starting to forget what identity I have created when I bump into these other people. I think it's gotten to a point, I don't even know who Max is anymore. One reason why I thought Alaska would be a cool place to go is that I can live out there and nobody will ever know me. My dirty secret and I will be hidden away forever, and I'll never have to share it with anyone.
Except, I've shared a lot of secrets with you now. I don't know what makes you so easy to talk to, but it feels good getting this off my chest. Please… Don't tell anyone… It will ruin me.
I'm sorry this letter is not long. Besides, I don't really have anything worth saying. I am eager to receive your message, that is if you don't decide to think I'm sick or something. Perhaps I am sick… or… Yeah…
Later,
Watson
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My website now has a section for all the people who have supported me, and for that, I thank you. https://www.dk-daniels.com/contributors
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- 9
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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