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    D.K. Daniels
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

You & I - 19. Chapter 19

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To Sherlock,

I'm not sure what I am meant to say to your last letter… Look I'm not gay okay. It's not my fault I notice the little things other people do. Don't... I'm okay. To be clear, I'm not gay. I'm not.

You don't ask a person how to do things; you just notice them if you look for them. It's sick, I know. I've tried everything to make the thoughts stop. Except, every time I try, they never go away. They are in the back of my head like crickets on a warm night in July. You can't do anything about it. All I can do is listen to the humming. No matter how hard I try to stop the buzzing inside my brain, it never goes away. I'm not gay.

You can't tell anyone, okay. Please don't tell a soul. I want it to go away. I even think about if I can't make it leave. I assume that if I disappear, maybe, then I wouldn't have to deal with it. I didn't want to be this way. Why would God be so cruel, I've never done anything to deserve this. It makes me feel ugly, like a freak locked in a cage in a circus or a steaming pile of dog shit.

When I was younger, I held the impression I could rid myself of my feelings. I even got sick thinking about it. I tried everything to make the horrible feeling that I was welcoming about my friends to go away. I tried scrubbing my junk with a scouring pad to stop me getting erections. Instead, I ended up at the hospital, but the thing that made me this way was still inside me. I don't want to be this way. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to like girls, tell them how pretty they are, kiss them, have sex with them, start a family, and have kids. Though, I can't, I don't feel anything towards girls. I don't know how to fix myself.

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, suffocating, and I can't tell anyone. I don't want to tell anyone, it makes me ill. Only, when I see Justin, it makes me wish I could be like that. How does he do it? How can the guy be so happy, fearless, and confident without feeling sick? I think the reason my dad treats me coldly is that deep down he might know. I don't want to be one of those kids on the street who is pointed at being called a faggot.

Last summer, I had my first girlfriend. Do you know Zoe on the cheerleading squad? Well, we were a thing for a while. Anyway, until Zoe figured something wasn't right. I wasn't trying to blow her off or anything, and I did work really hard to make myself like her.

I wasn't doing it to make my dad happy or my friends, I was attempting to prove to myself to like it. I wanted to be a standup guy. I walked her to school, carried her backpack, opened every door for her, made her smile and laugh, but now when I think about it, I was never smiling. I think things went a little sour when Zoe and I had our first kiss.

Every Fourth of July, my family throws a huge barbecue party in our backyard. All night I was trying to gather up the courage to kiss her. I won't lie. I was nervous, and I did genuinely want to kiss her. Except, something always held me back, I couldn't bring myself to do it, and that is until it was almost home time, and I walked her out onto my front porch.

While we waited for her mother to drop by, we sat on the porch swing and talked a little. It was then I got the impression Zoe knew I wanted to kiss her, and she wanted me to kiss her. In all of the craziest moments, I could come up with I decided to just go for it.

I turned to face her and said, "all right, I'll just go for it."

There it was, my first kiss in the entire world, and it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, but I didn't feel anything. Zoe got all bashful, and when her mother arrived, she practically fell down the steps of the porch and climbed into the front seat of her mom's SUV.

A month later, Zoe and I were alone in her house since her parents had to attend some charity function. Therefore, I decided I'd stay at her place until her folks got back. I didn't have any malice intentions, though Zoe hinted toward me that she wanted to go further with our relationship.

Most boys would be thrilled by the prospect of having sex, but I couldn't enjoy it. I didn't want to be humiliated for not being able to do it; so all throughout the act, I thought of boys… I imagined Zoe was another guy while she gave me a blowjob until it happened.

Except, I don't think it fooled Zoe. She could sense something was off, she even asked me a couple times when we were doing it.

The question was always, "do you like it?"

Can you imagine if she said to her girl-friends that I wasn't good at sex, that would be so bad? So, I had to try. After the night, Zoe did you know… She broke up with me one week later.

In a way, I was glad. Except, in another way, I wasn't because more girls were interested. When she gave the offer at first, I thought maybe this could be it, maybe Zoe can change me back. It seemed to take a lot longer than it ought to do. After the moment, I started to realize that maybe I'm never going to change. It's like I'm someone different every time I meet a new person. I'm starting to forget what identity I have created when I bump into these other people. I think it's gotten to a point, I don't even know who Max is anymore. One reason why I thought Alaska would be a cool place to go is that I can live out there and nobody will ever know me. My dirty secret and I will be hidden away forever, and I'll never have to share it with anyone.

Except, I've shared a lot of secrets with you now. I don't know what makes you so easy to talk to, but it feels good getting this off my chest. Please… Don't tell anyone… It will ruin me.

I'm sorry this letter is not long. Besides, I don't really have anything worth saying. I am eager to receive your message, that is if you don't decide to think I'm sick or something. Perhaps I am sick… or… Yeah…

 

Later,

Watson

Thank you guys for another read, as always there is more to come. Care to share your feedback, then let me know what you think :)  
***
A special thanks to my patrons: Thomas Tallis, Don Jr., Joen, John, Danny, Matt, Scott
My website now has a section for all the people who have supported me, and for that, I thank you. https://www.dk-daniels.com/contributors
***
For updates and a full compilation of all my work, visit my website at - www.dk-daniels.com 
Copyright © 2018 D.K. Daniels; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

Wow, that last paragraph really hit hard.  I didn’t see a wheelchair in the story anywhere.  I hope that Max is big enough to move right past the disability and be best friends with someone he has gotten to know so well.   I think an advantage these days with on line chats is you get to know the inner person before you see the outer person.  In the past most connections were made face to face and looks played a huge part in how far things would go. Now days it seems like more and more you get to know someone and when you see them face to face it doesn’t count for as much as it used to. The real person, that person’s innerbeing is who they really are.  I hope Issac and Max can realize they already are good friends. 

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On 3/8/2019 at 12:43 PM, Tonyr said:

Funny, i always suspected Isaac was in a wheelchair. Beats me, why i new that in a way or another he was handcapped.

I hinted throughout the entire story that Isaac has been in a wheelchair, and I wanted there to be enough valid evidence for people to be able to piece it together when the time came to have to announce it. Perhaps, I did in the later chapter overuse some symptoms that gave it away. Thanks for the comment :) I hope you are still enjoying the book.

  • Like 3
On 3/8/2019 at 8:23 PM, Butcher56 said:

Another great chapter. It’s great that Issac & Max are getting to the point where they are going to meet for the first time.  I can’t wait to read if they continue their friendship after they meet. 

I'm getting there, yes. The boys are close to meeting, but I have a couple of ideas in mind before I bring them to a conclusion. I am delighted to see that you are super excited to see what will happen with the lads. :)

  • Like 1
On 3/8/2019 at 11:10 PM, GanymedeRex said:

Wow! I was just truly surprised. That doesn't happen very often. This story has been unique and delightful!    I'm happy to continue buying DK's works on amazon, but I hope he feeds some public material now and then too. 

Yes... ehehe... I like being random, and I love to catch people out, I am stoked that I was able to surprise you. I have enjoyed writing the story myself, and I can't wait to move on to bigger projects. And yes, I will be adding the occasional story, but for the next year, I wish to build a reputation and a list of exclusive content for folks who want to read my work :) When I finished this, I can't wait to go back to an older title I wrote called Even If We Tried. I wrote 99k words the first time, and people loved it so I am going to complete it. I hope you enjoy the rest of the book :) Thanks for the comment.

  • Like 1
On 3/9/2019 at 3:09 AM, Backwoods Boy said:

I suspected the wheelchair because of something Issac said in one of the last two letters, I don't remember for sure which or what.  It wasn't a surprise.  The letters are becoming even more interesting :) 

I hope the story is still interesting enough to read, even though you sort of figured Issac was in a wheelchair. At the start, I decided to put him in a wheelchair not long after the third or fourth entry. I had realized I knew who Max was, and I didn't know who Issac was, so, one afternoon I went soul searching for a character I'd never written before, and well, we entered a wheelchair from then after. I hope the book continues to hold your attention until the end :)

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On 3/9/2019 at 9:17 AM, chris191070 said:

It’s great that Max and Issac want to meet, can’t wait to see what happens when they do.

Well, let's see what happens in the future, we've just had a big revelation. And I know that it would be a pretty small and deceitful thing for a person to judge someone based on a disability, but let's hope that is not Max. I can't wait to see how it unravels myself, as I have no clue what is to come, as I have completely pantsed this book without any outline lol.

  • Like 1
On 3/9/2019 at 11:55 AM, Canuk said:

I never suspected a disability, but I did think there would be a twist. Very interested to see how this turns out.

 

Great read. Thanks.

Great to see the comment. I guess I hinted at a larger something through the entire book, and I didn't mention what it was, but I delighted that it came as a surprise. I can't wait to see how the story turns out myself, I hope you stick around until the end. :)

  • Like 1
On 3/9/2019 at 12:42 PM, Tonyr said:

I don't remember what it was either, but that might be it that made sure he was in a wheelchair.

Perhaps it was my constant annotations about not being able to do sports, or maybe it was other minor things like losing something you never thought was huge until it is gone. Ironic... right, I can't rightly remember what I fully wrote either lol.

Edited by D.K. Daniels
  • Like 1
14 hours ago, OzLoGo said:

Wow, that last paragraph really hit hard.  I didn’t see a wheelchair in the story anywhere.  I hope that Max is big enough to move right past the disability and be best friends with someone he has gotten to know so well.   I think an advantage these days with on line chats is you get to know the inner person before you see the outer person.  In the past most connections were made face to face and looks played a huge part in how far things would go. Now days it seems like more and more you get to know someone and when you see them face to face it doesn’t count for as much as it used to. The real person, that person’s innerbeing is who they really are.  I hope Issac and Max can realize they already are good friends. 

I hope so too, I wish that Max does the right thing... well, in my mind anyway. Some people do find people with a disability a hindrance. Therefore, the idea is presented and I guess it is a waiting game to see what Max does with the situation. Indeed, in the olden days, people with an inability where shunned most of the time, or looked down upon, to say the least. One idea when I wrote was, I wanted the boys to have great chemistry, but have the concept of being biased on the horizon. Today, it probably doesn't present larger isolation for people in wheelchairs. Except, I can only assume it still remains, and some kids can still feel in the lightest sense of the words... odd... for having a friend with this ability. So, I wanted to have some real problems showing, and some real people who are indecisive, and capable of making mistakes. 

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