IceBerg - 23. Chapter 23

He said nothing to me when I dropped his suitcase off.

Still heavy eyed, still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. He stared at me, picked the suitcase up and closed the door.

He didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything.

I couldn’t face seeing Alex that night.

After getting in, I rang him and told him I was sick. I couldn’t sit with him, him being so handsome and amazing, innocent.

What was wrong with me?

I should have just left Charlie’s early, now I had lost a friend and I opened a box I shouldn’t have.

Anyone would be lucky to be with Alex, not only he was a Greek God, he had the most amazing kind personality. But despite it all, there was something Charlie had that Alex just didn’t. I didn’t even know what it was.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, I glanced down. Another text message off Oli.

He wanted to meet up. I would message him back another time.

‘He told you a few days ago, he succeeded an interview, he’s going to be an editor,’ sneered Jake. ‘You haven’t even congratulated him. Bad friend. Bad person. Bad person.’

‘Bad!’

‘Person!’

‘Why are you still here?’

***

It was a few days later. My stomach had been aching for a while.

It was probably because I hadn’t eaten. Or it might be because I decided that was the day I talked to Alex.

This was going to be a very crap day.

I sighed, and sipped my cup of coffee, opening my laptop screen. I yawned, clicking on my website. I caught certain words.

‘You are awesome!’

‘Keep it up!’

Alex’s old comments from a year ago. I was falling so hard for him back then. Now here we were.

I put the coffee down. It was way too bitter on my tongue. I let out a long sigh and ran my hands through my beard before scratching my head.

I looked up at the words again. Those loving sweet words. I remembered Oli talking about AJ definitely being a woman. I remembered my mum getting the neighbours kid to set up my website. I remembered when I first learnt AJ was Alex and first catching sight of him in that swimming pool. How sweet Alex was at the dates. I was able to talk to Alex about anything.

The air was cold and sharp in my lungs and I touched my face. It was damp. I rubbed it away.

Picking up my phone from my desk, I checked the date. Saturday. My day off.

I scanned my first text message. I did sent Charlie a text. Of course, I did.

‘Hope you have a good trip.’

He did not reply back. I cleared my painful throat as I skipped past to the next message. Alex.

‘Can we meet tonight?’

He was quick to reply. ‘Of course, handsome. I love you.’

Rubbing my exhausted tear-stained face, my dried-up brisk beard, my long-unmanned hair, desperately needing a good cut, I hid my hands in front of my face.

‘You used to that when you were younger, dear,’ my mom would say. ‘You loved to hide your face.’

‘Hide your face, you did that too, when I would start to raise my voice, remember?’ snarled Jake. ‘I got so close to your face, grabbing at your hands, you always thought I would hit you. I probably should have.’

‘Ah!’ A mighty scream poured out of me in a blind fury. With one quick angry arm movement, I smashed the desk forward and all the items off the tables, the pens, the coffee cup, the papers, my phone fell to the floor.

                                                               ***

Alex had made an amazing meal; it smelt so wild and spicy and it should have been delicious. He had done a huge portion as usual, his worry about my lack of eating was more than obvious now.

I had gone into the bedroom to get something when he followed me in.

‘Everything okay?’ he hugged me tight.

We sat on the bed, and his scent, sweet. His hugs were soft and safe. All of it just mad. Felt like I was going to throw up.

‘You look like you’re going to cry what’s wrong? Please talk to me,’ his voice was urgent, his eyes soft and pleading. He stretched his hand out to stroke my face. I flinched without thinking and I wanted to hit myself.

‘I’m sorry,’ I murmured, looking away, grabbing at his large hand, holding it still.

I looked up at his eyes, they had flickers of yellow brown in them now, like autumn fall.

He deserved the world.

‘It’s okay, Nat,’ he said.

I should have talked to Oli about this. I knew he knew. He knew me better than myself; I talked to Oli more about Charlie then I did about Alex.

But I refused to take his suggestions; he talked about David all the time. I should have known I wasn’t in love like they were. I wanted to be. I just thought we were being a normal couple, having independent lives, being busy. The ‘I’ replaced the ‘we.’

But with Jake I was too dependent on him, to the point of losing all my friends. I wished there was a middle ground. Plus, the media hadn’t seem interested in getting to know us as a couple although after the Olympics, Alex’s agent made a statement, just yes, he was gay and with someone and that was it. Me. The someone. No more about that.

Alex edged up against me, stroking a long stand of hair out of my face and around my ear, ‘You look like you’re thinking of a million things there.’

Despite it all, I leaned a little into him, craving that safety net. Perhaps I shouldn’t say anything, let this be. But.

‘I have to tell you something,’ my voice was small but I got the words out.

He never left his caressing hand from my face.

‘I am so sorry, Alex.’

‘Is this about Charlie?’

‘Huh?’ I looked at him, startled. His soft face was starting to give a hard frown, his eyebrows lower, his stare hardening. His hand slid away from my face.

‘No. A bit. But no. This is about something else,’ I replied, looking back at him, confused. ‘Besides Charlie is away now, he’s gone to Australia so I’ll be doing the second season of the show myself.’

I was hoping mentioning the show would get a reaction but his stare was still hard, intense, making me scrunch my hands into my lap and look away.

‘What do you mean, a bit?’

That’s all he had to say?

He saw me pause and looked over me.

The silver and black wallpaper was smooth and elegant just like everything in Alex’s apartment. His place was always more sophisticated than mine, even the grey carpet.

‘You wanted to say something,’ he said, without looking away from the wall.

I casted my eyes down.

The words were lumps in my throat; my jaws sealed shut. I needed to open my mouth. Get those horrible words out or they would stay in my throat and scorch a painful hole.

‘I saw Charlie. Just a little while, the other night. I know I told you I wouldn’t see him but he had just broken up with Claire.’

‘Oh,’ his tense shoulders slumped a bit. ‘That’s okay, don’t worry about that.’

‘That’s not it.’

‘What do you mean? Did something else happen?’

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say a thing.

The wallpaper behind Alex was a little scuffed at the moment, would take a few seconds to tidy up.

‘I don’t think he wants me anymore,’ I said. Then I realise what I had just said and I babbled, ‘He hasn’t for a long time. He knows I am with you. Think he is not doing well.’

‘So, you’re upset he doesn’t want you now?’

‘No, of course not, no, that’s not. I. I’ve said it all wrong. Please just,’ I exhausted out air. ‘I’m sorry.’

For a writer, I was so incredibly poor with my words.

‘What happened between you two, can you please tell me?’

I breathed out and murmured, ‘We kissed. Nothing else happened. But we did kiss. I’ve let you down. I’ve let you down completely. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.’

‘Why him?’

He was just staring ahead; his face had no expression.

‘I don’t know,’ I muttered.

‘What do you want to do now?’

‘I’ve hurt you so much. All I keep doing is hurting you and I am ashamed. You deserve so much more. I love you so much. You’re an amazing human being and you can hate me as much you can and you deserve someone so much better than me.’

‘But it’s not enough,’ he snapped. His hand was on top of mine and it was getting really tight now. ‘I’ve done everything for you and it’s never been enough.’

I opened my mouth to tell him it was not him, it’s me, but then I might as well punch him in the face. Even though it was the absolute truth.

‘Scream at me,’ I almost whimpered. ‘Shout at me, call me everything name under the sun, say what you need to say.’

‘You’re leaving me for him?’

‘No,’ I said, quick. ‘I am definitely not leaving you for him.’

‘Honest. Need to be honest,’ whispered Jake.

‘I can’t deny that I do feel something for him. But there have been other things going on for a while, nothing to do with Charlie, about us and we are.’

‘We are what?’ he snatched both my wrists tight in his large hands. His grip was tight. Really tight, his fingers and thumb dug harsh into my skin. This was starting to hurt now. I tried to pull away and his grip tightened, I could feel his sharp nails digging into my skin.

‘Alex.’

‘We are what?’ his voice was sharp and his eyes were dark and dull, staring intense at me.

I didn’t know what to say. I had never seen this side of Alex. He was always so sweet and caring, a gentle giant. Little fear tingled up my spine, my skin prickling, my empty stomach growled out with the uncertainty.

‘Alex.’

He yanked me towards him and his lips smacked against mine, harsh and bitter. Usually, Alex’s kisses were soft and sweet, gentle. This was ruthless and cold.

‘Mmm,’ I tried to pull away.

He let go for a second before grabbing my shoulders. He was so large and strong. The small fear started to grow as he smacked his lips against mine; I pulled my face away. He snatched my chin, his finger and thumb grabbing at my jaw, holding me still.

I tried to catch his eye. Break this darkness inside him.

I searched for the autumn eyes; the loving eyes of the person who told me my work was amazing. He kissed me hard again before his hand gripping my shoulder, pushing me onto my back.

He crawled on top, kissing my throat. What was this? His kisses were harsh, nipping against my skin.

‘Alex. What are you doing?’

He pushed against me more into the bed, his hand on the back on my shoulder. My breathing was caught in my lungs and I tried hard not to freeze. Shock and fear vaulted into me, and my hands reached out, pulling at his hair, pulling hard, to lift his face off me, desperate.

‘Alex, please! Please! I’m sorry! What is going on?’

He sat up for a moment, with one hand, he grabbed my hands off him, scratching at my already sore wrists, pinning them up behind my head. He stared at me hard, his eyes cold now.

‘Alex. I am an awful human being, I am the worst boyfriend, I’m sorry, please, just. Please. Stop.’

He slapped me hard across the face. It stunned me. The sound was harsher to my ears then my face. The sting was instant; my jaw was sore.

I couldn’t move. I was trying but he was so large and heavy and stronger. I kept kicking out, but he shoved me onto my front. He pulled hard at my hair, he pulled so hard, it felt like he had pulled a chunk of hair out of my skull. I winced out loud in pain. I kept kicking out, my legs getting tired and aching, my chest and back hurting from his weight. He seemed so much heavier that day.

His hands fumbled with jeans.

‘Alex. This isn’t you. Please just stop, we can talk. You can shout at me, break my stuff, anything, just … please.’

He leaned closer to my ear, his hands finally unbuttoning my jeans.

His breathing was heavy and his voice sounded different. Not him. Almost tight, controlled, ‘I’m going to do whatever I please and you’re just going to lie there and take it. Like the good partner you are.’

My eyes widened and I almost stopped breathing.

I could hear his zipper come down and fear made me a paralysed man and the sickness in my stomach punched hard.

***

He stood up, the zipper coming back up. He slapped his thighs down before giving a big stretch. Glancing back over his shoulder, he snarled at me and picked up his leather jacket.

‘I’m going out for an hour. Tidy yourself up. Taking us to a restaurant in an hour.’

He marched out the room; I could hear a plate smash in the kitchen. That meal Alex made was gone now.

The room was still.

I watched him, my face still half buried into the mattress, my eyes glazed over. My breathing hurt. I opened my mouth a little to get some more air into my tight chest.

The front door slammed shut.

I blinked my eyes.

What happened? We were just, we were just talking, I came in, we’re were supposed to go out, go to the cinema. I didn’t understand what happened. Why did we sit on the bed? Why did I choose to sit down on a bed to break up with him?

But we didn’t break up. I tried to. I said stupid stuff. I woke this demon in him. It’s my fault.

My now free arms moved a little, placing my palms on the mattress. I tried to push myself up, my arms were shaking, wild shaking. As if I’ve lifted twice my own body weight.

With extra care, I pulled up my jeans and my boxers. I let out a gush of air before taking small lifts, very careful, to pull myself up. I sat on the edge of the bed. I didn’t know what to do with my arms, they hung limp beside me, my throat was burning, I didn’t know if I had any voice left.

‘You made him to this,’ chanted Jake. ‘You cheated, you hurt him. You turned him to do this horrible thing. You got with me and I turned bad. Once again, this is all your fault. Your fault. He was a good guy before you came along.’

I wanted to be sick, my stomach hurt so much. It hurt to sit on the bed, my wrists were all cut and dry blood from fingernail marks, my legs were weak and felt like nothing. My lungs felt so bruised.

Shower. I needed to shower, I could smell something, it smelt off, like iron, metal.

I pushed myself off the bed, cradling my body to myself and hobbled to Alex’s bathroom. I was going to be sick. Scrambling to the toilet bowl, I lifted it up.

Bile scraped out of my sore throat, stinging me, my eyes with instant tears.

‘You keep crying. Like a sissy. Like a stupid disgusting sissy!’ shouted Jake.

Scrunching my face up, I burst, crying out loud, clutching at my face, crying out loud but no tears actually came out of my rumbled face. I kept crying out loud, the noise was so much louder than I thought it would be. I rubbed my face.

I didn’t know what to do.

Where was my phone? I don’t know where anything was. I couldn’t remember where I put it.

Who should I ring? What should I do?

Maybe I should get Oli.

‘What would you say?’ said Jake. ‘That you told Alex you cheated on him, that you did have feelings for Charlie, then Alex turned nasty. Just like I did.’

No.

‘But hey, I never physically hurt you, right, right, right. So I’m a better man,’ sneered Jake.

I shook my head.

I couldn’t tell Oli. If I told Oli, what would he say? He would never look at me the same, he would be uncomfortable. I’ll always have those pity eyes.

I tried to be honest and it was the worst mistake of my life. I was not going to do it again.

More bile came spewing out, I coughed a little and wiped the side of my mouth.

Leaning back against the silver bath, I felt the cold prickle my skin. I eyed up the shower. Gathering myself up, I peeled my shirt off. It stank of Chinese food I had the night before, it stank of Chinese food and sweat.

I took a hitch of breath before pulling down my jeans and boxers. I kicked them off and saw patches of blood, crimson stain large droplets. I avoided the mirror and stepped into the shower, the warm soothed my aching body, I stood there, closing my eyes, enjoying the warmth.

Opening my eyes, I looked down, watching all the red water swirl into the plug hole. I gritted my teeth hard and I went to see how it felt down there. It was sore to the touch, even a fingertip made me seize up in agony.

‘I’ll be back in hour.’

I saw see his body wash.

I remembered last time I was in here. With Alex. He was kissing me, licking my shoulder, nibbling, while the water came down on us, I was giggling, loving how it felt. He had reached over and rubbed his body wash against my chest before lifting my chin, staring with such love into my eyes before kissing me hard, wanting me, really wanting me.

I reached for the body wash, my jaw shaking as I squeezed some out of the bottle. The smooth jasmine smell brought the memory almost to life.

Washing my wrists, the burning was instant from the tiny cuts Alex left behind. I closed my eyes and he was still on top of me, it was still hurting.

The water wasn’t running a strong red anymore, it was almost faded like normal clear water.

After the shower, I came back and I saw my phone on the kitchen table. Flashing. I picked it up. A message off Oli. I still hadn’t replied back to him.

I had to go to work the next day.

I sat on the edge chair, towel around my waist and just stared blankly at the wall.

***

The weekend was nearly done. I didn’t go to church either.

I had rung up and cancelled with dad. Well, I tried to ring, but I ended up messaging him instead. Said I was unwell.

He just replied ‘Ok, see you next time.’

If I had messaged Mum, she would have called me over and over until I picked up. Thank God Dad was Dad.

Alex took me out when he came back that day, said I cleaned up well, he reached for my coat and handed it to me. Without a word, I took it and put it on.

I wanted to punch him, to scream but I was so numb, I didn’t know how to react.

He lifted his arm up and glared at me before I took it and he walked us out the door.

I didn’t eat much at the restaurant, I was too busy trying not to squirm with pain against the seat, everything aching, trying to sit up and crouch down and cry out in pain. Alex frowned and I knew he was disappointed at the waste of food.

I barely left my apartment after that although it didn’t matter as Alex turned up every day. He made sure I was ready every day, that I had had shower and he made meals enough for me to eat so I could put weight back on. Like a good loyal boyfriend.

‘Here,’ a plate was thrown onto the table in front of me. A ham sandwich, thick bread, stared back at me.

‘Eat,’ he said, his voice clipped. I heard the fridge door open and shut as he grabbed a drink out for himself.

‘Eat!’ he barked behind me. I jumped from the sound and grabbed at the bread.

‘A real man would stand up and punch him and report him for what he did,’ snarled a little voice of Jake. ‘A real man wouldn’t have let this happen. You cheated. This is what you get. This is what you are Nathanial. This is the person you are.’

I took a large bit of the sandwich, pushing it into my mouth. The soft bread should have tasted sweet in my mouth but it was metal, iron, dry and raw. I shoved another bite into my mouth, forcing myself to swallow the sandwich. I managed to eat all of it before placing my hands back on the table.

He sat next to me, his bottle of juice in his hand, he rubbed his face. For a moment, I saw his eyes, they were almost like autumn again, soft, and I tried to catch it. But he glanced back up and he frowned.

He reached out and pulled at my beard and my hair. I flinched and he frowned harder.

‘Mm,’ he said, retreating his hand back. He had some of his drink before muttering, ‘Before we go out today, you need to shave that thing off. It’s time you were cleaned shaved and had shorter hair like a normal guy.’

He stood up, gathering the plate off the table, ‘I’ll drive you today, I don’t mind, it’ll save money on your fuel.’

I didn’t reply.

‘Look,’ his voice was suddenly gentle. ‘I just thought. It would be nice to spend more time together. Things could get better if we did.’

I didn’t reply. He was probably right.


We went to visit my dad and John that afternoon. The whole thing was a blur; I wasn’t sure if it was real or not real. I remembered playing with John, John was getting big now but still a ball of fluff. I played with fetch with him in the yard while my dad and Alex talked away, laughing like men, about politics and sports.

John was getting faster at playing fetch, I would wrestle him and tickle his ears while he barked excited at me.

My dad complimented my new look. His son, fresh faced and short hair for the first time in years. He joked asking if I had any other clothes in my wardrobe that weren’t black and Alex chuckled at that too, shaking his head. I knew Alex wanted my hair even shorter.

I was glad my mum wasn’t alive to see me like this.