IceBerg - 28. Chapter 28

Alex steps in nervous.

His hair isn’t smooth as it usually is; there’s a wild tilt in it as if he had been running his fingers through it, pulling at it. His face has a five o’clock shadow, patches of uneven beard around his jaws. His eyes look heavy as if he has not slept. His skin looks darker, rougher. His shirt hasn’t been buttoned up well.

 

He pauses before he rushes to me.

 

Nodding at the nurse, he says, ‘Good morning.’ His voice is a little rough.

 

‘We will leave you two alone,’ the nurse nods back at him and leaves the room.

 

I glance at Alex’s poor frame, his exhausted sad smile, and I uncurl my hand away from the buttons and let go of the television remote.

 

He comes towards me, leaning over me, scooping me up a little, I let him hug me, a gentle caress his hands.

 

‘I came as soon as soon as Oli called me, I got the first flight here,’ he whispers into my ear.

 

‘Alex.’

 

‘I love you so much,’ he tightens his hug around me. His voice wavers, sore and rough, ‘I love you, Nathanial.’

 

He is so gentle. I close my eyes. He has not showered, it is a strong smell, like how he smells when we wake up in bed.

Just human.

 

I hug him back. I feel like I have my Alex back.

 

AJ.

 

***
 

It’s been twenty minutes and we have talked so much, about my condition, about the medication, the drip. Alex has been very positive, he has held my hand, stroking my palm with his thumb and talked on how good the future we will be. How we will tackle this together, how I will beat this.

He never once gets mad about me running off.

 

‘You can say if you are mad,’ I say.

 

He smiles at me and kisses my cheek, ‘That was the condition, not you. I am just so happy you are back. I love you.’

 

‘Love you too,’ I say back as he brushes my hand against his lips. ‘So, um.’ I use my free hand to swish over my hair, now almost a thin buzzcut. ‘You think I am still hot?’

 

Alex laughs, reaching over to stroke my face, ‘It’s not a great look but I look forward to you growing that hair of yours back.’

 

I grit my teeth, forcing my smile still on.

 

‘At least your beard is growing back a bit, I can’t wait to see that again,’ he grins.

 

‘Why do you have that stupid beard anyway, are you doing a hipster look or a hobo look or what?’

 

‘I keep trimmed Alex.’

 

‘You need a shave. Get that razor, I will do it now.’

 

‘Alex, come on.’

 

‘Get me the razor. It needs to come off.’

 

‘Is everything okay?’ Alex jumps up.

My heart monitor is beeping a little fast. Ugh. I cannot even have my thoughts private.

 

I clear my throat, sitting up, trying to calm down, ‘It’s fine. Don’t worry.’

 

‘You sure?’ he is perching back down a little on his seat.

 

‘Yes, sometimes it does that,’ I try to laugh a little and point in vague manner at the needle in my arm.

 

‘Aw your poor arm,’ he reaches down, pulling my arm and kissing my forearm. He pulls up at my arm, inspecting the needle. I start to worry that he will pull the needle out.

 

Need to be more of a man. No. No. Calm thoughts, must remain calm. Always calm.

 

‘I was thinking,’ he sits back. ‘Maybe we could think about you moving in with me. Or I move in with you. I mean obviously,’ he starts to babble. ‘When you are feeling better of course.’

 

Feeling better?

 

‘That might be a while,’ I say, quiet. I pause and look at him, ‘You know this… I mean all of it… I will always be like this. I will never get better completely. Just live with it.’

 

‘No, no, I know that, I just meant. You know,’ he struggles. ‘When you are able to go back to work. I just think it might easier for you if we were living together. I mean we nearly do and we have been going out a long time.’

 

I guess he is right.

It would make sense if we moved in. We are a couple. It makes sense. That’s what couples do. They move in together. It would be easier on me if we lived together. He would make sure I kept eating, and we would see each other more. His apartment is always clean so he’d probably keep the flat clean and expect the same. Which is fine. I could invite Oli over, but if I went over to Oli’s he’d get upset. He’d probably prefer I brought Oli over. But I could never spend quality alone time with my friend, watching our stupid show, drinking beers. I’d miss living that. My own space to sit and just do nothing for a day. Leaving plates in the sink and getting to them in my own time. Everything having its own place. It’s taken me years to just realise that I love living on my own.

 

It would be easier for Alex if we lived together.

‘We can talk about it later on,’ I say.

 

‘Or course we will,’ he brightens up. ‘Now, we need to concentrate on you. I mean, it was just a thought anyway you know?’

 

It wasn’t a thought though, was it, Alex?

 

‘Yes,’ I give a mere reply. He leans forward and kisses me on the cheek.

 

The door clicks open. We both look forward it.

 

Charlie has rushed in.

His eyes are glassy, red, his cheeks red, nose sore, his forehead full of lines. His clothes are so dark, he is wearing a dumpy jumper. It’s almost like looking at myself when I was the comic con.

I blink.

 

Relief rushes to his face, a wide smile, he almost gasps at seeing me. I smile back at him. A little smile. I almost want to gasp seeing him.

He’s been through hell.

 

Alex’s hand is tight in mine now. Ow. That’s really tight, his fingernails are digging into my skin.

I close my eyes.

 

His nails were digging into my skin when he was pressed on top of me that evening, his full weight on me, I was spluttering out, gasping at any desperate loud attempt at air.

Thought I was going to suffocate and never wake up.

 

‘You’re making him worse,’ Alex snarls.

 

I open my eyes. My heart monitor’s beeping high and loud. I look at Charlie.

His face crumples a little.

 

No. No. No.

 

I want to jump out of bed. Push Alex aside and run to Charlie. Feel his arms around me as we hug. Have my nose into his neck, drink in his scent. To hold him tight and cry and tell him I am sorry. I am sorry. That I love him.

 

Seeing him stand there, my heart cries out for him.

 

Alex stands up, his huge frame towering.

 

‘I’ll come back later,’ Charlie voice falters a little as he steps back. He smiles at me, trying to look past Alex’s looming frame to me. ‘I am glad you are safe now, Nathan.’

 

I can almost feel Alex growling at the nickname as if Charlie had flirted out in front of him.

The heart monitor is going faster again and I just want to scream and push it on the side.

 

As soon as the door clicks shut, Alex turns to me and smiles. His face softens; his thin angry lips relax.

 

I’m a fool.

 

He leans over and kisses my forehead, ‘Sorry about that,’ he mumbles against my head. ‘I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.’

 

His words are genuine. They sound it.

 

But I stare ahead, watching that dark figure turning around and walking away.

 

Alex’s lips are on mine softly. But they feel rough, his lips feel tight, closed off. They feel cold. Really cold. It is very uncomfortable. I want to push away.

 

I open my eyes and stare at Alex. His eyes are shut.

 

The first time Alex kissed me, I wasn’t expecting it and it took my breath away. Now his lips are cold and his breath smells.

 

***

‘Have they said anything more about the, um, the assault kit?’ he asks, bending forwards towards me, his voice hushed.

 

I shake my head, ‘Father, the police came in here but I am not going to make a statement.’ I take in a breath, readying myself to defend. ‘I know what you’re going to say. But I just want to let it go.’

 

‘Look son,’ Father Tom pats my arm. ‘It is a crime. What happened was a crime, you should report it before someone else gets hurt.’

 

‘No one else will get hurt, Father.’

 

‘You cannot be so sure,’ he pauses. ‘Even if you think you love them, you can’t be sure they won’t do it again.’

 

My lips wobble and I look away, trying to find a clever come back, a smart remark.

 

‘You can’t be with someone like that,’ he says, looking me in the eye.

He’s right. Of course, he is.

 

The doors open.

 

‘Hello Mr. Greystone!’ the nurse’s voice rings out with cheer. ‘Just checking up on your vitals.’

 

‘I get to go home this week?’

 

‘Yes,’ she beams at me. ‘It looks like all good news; you’ve been a lovely patient.’

 

I blush and raise an eyebrow, ‘Oh, um, thanks.’

 

‘Oh, by the way,’ she walks out the room and comes back, wheeling in a tray. The tray is filled with many cards of different sizes, pictures, even a teddy bear or two. ‘You’ve had many of these sent through. Very popular.’

 

‘Oh yeah,’ I bow my head to Father Tom. ‘I’m one of the writers of the show Lady in Trance, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it.’

 

‘I have heard of it,’ he smiles back. ‘Your fans love you a lot.’ He nods over to the tray. ‘All wanting you to get better, there’s a lot of love on that tray.’

 

I sit up as the nurse and Father Tom go through the cards, bringing them to me.

 

‘You could open them up and we can place them around the room,’ Father Tom says.

 

I nod, smiling. The nurse leaves us as I start opening up the envelopes.

 

‘Oh,’ the door opens again and Alex comes in. This time he is fresher looking, hair done, face much smoother.

 

‘You got cards,’ he smiles at them. He nods at Father Tom, ‘Good afternoon, Father, how is everything today?’ He widens his smile, showing off every white perfect tooth.

 

‘It’s been good,’ Father Tom replies, calm. ‘Lots of fans have written in, wishing him well.’

 

‘You’re really loved, Nat!’ says Alex.

 

Nat. He hardly calls me that anymore. Did he ever call me that?

 

‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ Alex backs out the door. ‘Just going to get a hot drink from the machine here.’

 

The door is shut for a mere few minutes.

 

Father Tom turns to me, his voice very low, his grey beard and black hair shining under the light, ‘I can stay here as long as you need me to be, Nathanial.’

 

I shake my head, ‘I’m fine, Father. You need to head off; you told me you had a service later on.’

 

‘I don’t, I, um’ he pats my arm and looks towards the door. ‘I don’t feel comfortable leaving you.’

 

‘Father, look,’ I show him the buttons pressed in the palm of my hand. ‘Any issues I can press these. I am safe here, okay?’

 

‘Here we go,’ Alex comes back in, stops and looks a little embarrassed. ‘Oh, um, sorry, Father, did you want me to get you one as well?’

 

‘Oh, no, it’s okay, I’m leaving anyway,’ Father Tom stands up, his coats shuffled under his arm. ‘I’ll be back later on.’

He grips my arm tight for a while before letting go.

 

‘See you later on,’ Alex walks past Father Tom to his seat, patting him on the shoulder going past.

 

I grip the buttons in my hand and turn to Alex. Before I can blink, Alex has bent down and stuck those ice lips against mine.

 

Sitting down, Alex captures my free hand into his. ‘You’re looking so much better, the improvement is amazing the last few days, you’ve got colour into your skin again.’

 

‘If it’s good news, I can eat a bit more food today,’ I smile, glancing down at the blue blanket around me.

 

‘Even better,’ Alex grins. ‘I can make some really good food for you, healthy, Coach is good with dietary requirements.’

 

He talks more and I ponder over the bills I hadn’t paid yet.

 

‘Your heart, okay?’

 

‘What?’ I snap out of it, and stare at the screen, the beeping calming down. ‘Sorry. I hate that stupid thing.’

 

‘Best for it make noise then nothing at all,’ he cocks his head, smiling. ‘Everything okay?’

I shrug, ‘Just thinking about money.’

 

‘Oh, don’t think about that, think about this!’ he lifts up some cards. ‘Come on, we’ll open some together.’

We open up some more cards. There are some sweet messages, messages of other people with illnesses saying they are inspired. I don’t know what they are inspired about, I am just as ill as them. There are some detailed letters in these cards, writing telling me about what they love about the show and then hoping I am okay. These people really love my show. I can’t help but smile at that, as if I have received a hug from each person individually.

 

‘I love this one, look she puts little stars and everything,’ he chuckles, showing me. ‘I love that Lady in Trance is a hit with younger views as well.’

 

‘Yes,’ I agree. I watch him get up and put cards on the shelves. ‘Remember when you first read that? My first fan.’

 

‘Still your number one fan!’

 

‘Yes,’ I agree again.

 

Our messaging when he was AJ and I was desperate to know how he found me.

Wait.

 

‘How did you find my blog again?’

 

‘I’ve told you already, Nat,’

 

Again, with the Nat. He didn’t tell me. I don’t think. I don’t remember.

 

‘Tell me again.’

 

‘Well, okay, this is embarrassing,’ he laughs a little, placing his hands on his hips. ‘Remember the first time we met? At the party, you were a waiter.’

Oh, that crap job. How could I forget?

 

‘You had drink spilt all over you, I saw you and my heart melted, I need to know who you were, so before I left, I asked your manager about you.’

 

‘Ugh, you met that delightful man,’ I roll my eyes.

 

‘Then I just kind of looked you up online.’

 

‘You know, there is a book about a writer meeting a stalker claiming to be his number one fan,’ I tease, loosening my hand off the buttons.

 

‘Inspiration,’ he titters, putting the last of the cards up.

 

I miss Alex so much sometimes that I am desperate for any conversations like this. To blink and I almost forgot everything.

 

‘You look sad, everything okay?’ he is by my side in a moment, cradling my hand into his, pressing it against his lips. ‘Do you need me to get anything?’

‘No, no,’ I stutter, looking down. ‘It’s okay. Just tired.’

 

‘Are you on the medication yet?’

 

‘Medication?’ I frown.

 

‘You know, for, um,’ he taps his head.

My stomach curls a little.

 

‘Yeah, been on them for a few days. Doctor says it will take a while to be in my system properly but I already feel the benefits,’ I reply. ‘They said the biggest side effect I will have is the tiredness.’

 

‘You’ll have to make sure work accommodates you.’

 

‘Assuming I still have a job,’ I mutter.

 

‘That’s the benefit of having work friends and a famous boyfriend,’ he leans forward winking. ‘Any help is good help.’

 

Since when is help ever bad?

Leaning forward, he presses his lips against mine. I am trying to find that wistful feeling I get when he kisses me, the warmth, the safety, the love. It’s just a chore now. A tasteless chore.

I close my eyes and all I can see is Charlie walking away from me. Charlie sitting in his home telling me he is in love with me.

 

I pull away, ‘I, I can’t.’

 

‘Can’t what,’ his lips hoover near mine.

 

‘Alex,’ my hands push him back a little. ‘I love you.’

 

‘I love you too.’

 

‘I need to be on my own,’ I murmur, looking down.

 

‘Oh, I can leave and come back later,’ he goes to stand up. ‘You need your rest anyway.’

 

‘No,’ I take a breath and lower my shaking voice. ‘Alex. We haven’t been good for a while.’

 

Alex pauses, ‘You know you can’t just push me away without a fight. I love you, Nathanial.’

 

His words are so sweet, his voice so sincere.

But I push on, ‘We have been very bad for each for a long time. I do love you and I know you love me but we are bad for each other Alex.’

 

Alex mutters something.

 

‘I didn’t hear?’

 

‘Charlie,’ Alex growls.

 

‘No. This is about you and I,’ I curl my hand back around the buttons. ‘I told you I wanted to break up last time; we’ve had some parts of this conversation and then you.’

 

‘I, what?’ his eyes flash up at me, straight at me, unfazed.

 

The lack of fear in his face makes my heart monitor scream out louder and faster.

‘You know what you did,’ I manage to mutter out.

 

A nurse rushes in; the beeping is so loud. My heart is actually aching now, a dull ache. I sit back down, trying to breathe through my nose as if I am not panicking at all.

 

‘Right,’ she sits me up, rubbing my back. ‘We’ll get you something right away, okay?’ She looks up to Alex. ‘Sir, I am sorry but you will just have to leave for a few moments.’

 

‘I don’t want to be with you anymore!’ I blurt out, my voice shattering on the edge of my shaking teeth. ‘I don’t want to be with you. I want our relationship to be over. I am the bad guy I know.’

 

‘That’s the condition talking!’ he backs to the door, the nurse pushing him out as much as she can.

 

‘It is me who is talking,’ I raise my voice.

 

‘Mr. Greystone you need to lie back, try to stay calm,’ she pushes my shoulders so I sit back against the pillow, my chest is caving in a little, the air is getting tight.

 

‘We are done Alex!’ I say, watching as the nurse finally convinces him out the room. I wheeze trying to get more words out but she rushes back to me.

 

‘This will make you feel much calm,’ she says, putting the injection in.

 

I lie back, watching the needle.

The old Nathanial would have just kneeled over, given up, and let him convince me I am wrong.

 

Screw the old Nathanial.

 

I sigh, resting my head back, my eyes feeling quite tender and tired. He will be back later to argue.

 

‘This won’t put me off to be seen?’ I whisper to the nurse.

Of all the time to suddenly have it out with Alex. I always pick the best times.

 

‘What? No don’t be silly,’ she waves her hands. ‘You will be fine, you just need some time on your own, to calm down. I will make sure your other visitors come around later on this evening so you can rest all day.’ She smiles, teasing, ‘We just have to make sure you don’t put too much stress on your heart now.’