Retaliation - 13. Intuition

I felt terrible about my disastrous visit with Dustin and I tried to call the hospital a few times, but they told me that Dustin wasn’t taking any calls. I even went back to the hospital later in the week, but the nurse wouldn’t allow me to see him. I didn’t want my friendship to end on such a sour note, but it was looking like I had no choice but to let Dustin go, at least for a while.

I must have looked pretty miserable around the house, because mom was trying to cheer me up. Of course, her methods for cheering me up included telling me that maybe it was for the best that Dustin was going away for a while and informing me that Mrs. McKenzie had called her to tell her that she had a good long talk with Joey about his behavior, and that Joey had confessed his sins to Pastor Carl and been forgiven, or something. To be honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to what mom said.

Brett told me that he had been asked to play bass guitar for a small band that was playing for a school dance. He was going to be out of town all weekend while he traveled with them to Altoona. I was impressed that he was good enough that people were asking him to play with them semi-professionally. Brett’s talents had grown immensely since he had started practicing more seriously. He’d always loved music, but now that he could concentrate better he was able to practice more effectively. He’d even started taking lessons that he paid for with his own money. He could pick up just about any instrument with strings and play it, along with his growing abilities on the piano and organ. He was even starting to dabble in drums. I’d spent many an afternoon sitting in his room with him challenging him to play the songs we heard on the radio with his guitar. He wasn’t a bad singer either.

I was surprised when Dr. Reilly called me on Saturday afternoon and asked me to join her at her house. I didn’t mind going over to see her but I wasn’t as close to her as Brett was to my parents. Brett had spent a lot more time with us than I spent with Dr. Reilly, and usually when she was around I was hoping that she would leave so that Brett and I could have some fun. I felt a little nervous about going to see her alone. Brett was always around when I was at their house and I hadn’t been alone with just Dr. Reilly in a long time. I took my time walking over there. I really enjoyed the scenery that the hill provided. You couldn’t quite see the river because it was too deep in the valley, but I could hear the activity of a barge moving toward Pittsburgh.

It was rough making it to the top of the hill and seeing the scene of Dustin’s incident again. I hadn’t been up there since it happened and it disturbed me to see it again. In the daylight things were more clear. The beer cans were still scattered all over the place, and Dustin’s clothes were still laying around. I gathered them up and set them on the stump. I figured I would pick them up on the way back through and take them back to my house. A glint of metal caught my eye near the stump. It was the knife Dustin had used to cut himself. It was still stained with Dustin’s blood. I picked it up and laid it on the stump alongside his clothes. The whole thing creeped me out and brought back memories of that horrible night, so I quickly moved on down the same path which I’d carried Dustin that night toward Brett’s house.

I could tell that it was time to start my allergy medication again. I was always a little bit stuffy even in the best of times because I was allergic to dust, but now everything was in bloom. In another week I’d be unable to breathe through my nose without taking something. Mom had scheduled me to see an allergist and they were going to consider giving me allergy shots. As it was, I’d decided to wear my glasses since my eyes were starting to bother me a little bit.

I must have walked back and forth over that hill a thousand times over the years since Brett had moved in. I was looking forward to the time when we wouldn’t have to hike over a hill to see each other anymore, to a day when one of us had a car and we could drive to each other’s house. And then, maybe in a few years we could just live together. I got excited just thinking about the possibility of living with Brett permanently. Sure, we sometimes had our problems, and we could argue and fight with each other, but all of that was secondary compared to the love we had for each other.

The path opened up from the woods into Mrs. Fox’s backyard. Her lawn was thick with green grass, just waiting for Brett to mow it. I walked through her yard into Brett’s yard and up to the patio behind their house. I knocked on that familiar back door, which Dr. Reilly had paid my dad to fix for her since I’d kicked it open. Dad had told her he would do it for free, but she insisted on paying for it.

Dr. Reilly walked down the short set of steps from the kitchen to the door and let me in.

“Thanks for coming over Billy,” she said. “Do you want a soda?”

“A pop? Sure,” I replied. “Anything but Mountain Dew.”

Dr. Reilly laughed. “Well you know we always have that on hand. If I’d have known how much of that garbage my son was going to drink I would have invested in the company a few years ago.”

She asked me to the living room to sit down and talk. I noticed that they had a new carpet in the room, since Dustin’s blood had ruined their old one. Brett had left his new laptop at home and it was sitting on the living room table. I took a sip of my pop.

“So, Billy, how long have you been sleeping with my son?” she asked.

I almost choked on my drink. I coughed as I tried to get my wind back. “What?” I asked.

“I think you heard me. I want to know what’s going on between you two.”

“Nothing’s going on between us!” I insisted. “We’re just friends!”

“Billy, I’m not an idiot. And you aren’t a very good liar. I’ve been thinking long and hard about the best way to talk about this with you for quite a while now. Knowing you, I figured the direct approach was probably the best. I’ve known you for eight years. I’ve always thought of you like a son, and your family has treated Brett the same way. But I can’t ignore stuff like this…”

She opened Brett’s laptop and showed me the screen. “Teen Twinks Take It Raw Too” began to play. (Well, at least it wasn’t the original “Teen Twinks Take It Raw” video he’d been afraid his mom would find…) The scene of one teen twink’s balls slapping against another teen twink’s ass as they fucked usually would have turned me on. But having it running with my boyfriend’s mother in the room was just humiliating.

I thought quickly. The house of cards surrounding my secret relationship with Brett was quickly collapsing. I had to try to save it before everything fell apart. I tried different tactic.

“Have you been spying on Brett?” I asked.

“Don’t try to turn this around on me, Billy,” Dr. Reilly replied. “This little video is only the beginning. I’m not even going to tell you what I found on his desktop computer.”

She thankfully closed the laptop, ending the mortifying scene that was playing on it. I was beginning to sweat. I couldn’t see any way to get out of the mess I’d gotten myself into. I thought about just running away. I could just run out the door and not look back.

“Do you remember what happened the night of Dustin’s incident?” she asked.

“Of course,” I replied, my voice barely audible because my throat was constricted to about the width of a pencil.

“Brett made a phone call to 9-1-1. Do you remember what happened?”

“They hung up on him.”

“Yes they did. I’ve told my son about the dangers of crying wolf, but I guess those lessons didn’t take. Well anyway, since it is the responsibility of our emergency services to take every phone call seriously, I went to the 9-1-1 Center to file a complaint, because heaven knows if my son is calling for an ambulance I expect his call to be respected, despite his reputation for prank calls. I had quite a lengthy conversation with the director of the call center about the situation. They played the tape for me, and something did catch my attention. Do you know what it was?”

“No.” I couldn’t think. My face felt like it was glowing hot. Think, Billy! Think Goddammit! You’re blowing it!

“Well here’s the transcript,” she said calmly. “Would you like me to read it?”

I didn’t even answer, because I knew she was going to read it anyway.

“It says, and pardon my son’s language, ‘I don’t know, my ‘f-ing’ boyfriend found him up in the woods’”

“Oh shit…” I groaned, the blood draining from my face. We were busted by Brett’s own words.

“Yeah…” she said. For a while we were both silent. “I keep telling him he needs to stop saying that awful word so much. Well, at least I knew after that that my son hadn’t hired himself a prostitute, or become one himself. I was a little worried that was the direction this had all gone. I don’t even want to think about why his shorts were so wet in the back when I got here. When I came home from my business trip and found him all bruised and battered I knew I had to do something. He still refuses to tell me who beat him up while I was gone.”

“I… I can explain everything Jen…”

“I know you can,” she said. “But I don’t want you to unless you’re willing to tell me the truth. I don’t want you to come up with a lie about how Brett didn’t mean what he said in that phone call. I don’t want a story about how he ended up with another concussion. I know my son. I know you. Brett thinks the world of you and your family. He has since the first day we moved here. I know he loves you. That’s never been a secret around here. I just want to know what’s going on from your side.”

“Nothing’s going on between us,” I lied out of pure instinct.

“Billy, this would be a very bad time to keep lying to me. Do you remember the day I brought home this laptop and gave you Brett’s old one? Do you remember the way Brett was behaving himself when I knocked on his door?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

“I know you do, because you were in that room having sex with him. I’m not deaf. I could hear the noises you two were making as soon as I walked in the house. Believe it or not, I do know what those sounds were. I know what your voice sounds like, too. I shouted up the stairs to give you fair warning, but the lies just kept on coming. To be honest, I found it kind of amusing to see how far you were willing to go to try to hide what was blatantly obvious. You can clean up as much as you want, but there are some things you can’t hide. I know you well enough to know when you’re feeling guilt and shame. It was written all over you just like it is now. You couldn’t make eye contact with me just like you aren’t right now. You were feeling ashamed because of what you’d done with him.”

I couldn’t think. This was all happening too fast! I needed Brett! “We’re not doing anything with each other! Jen, I swear!”

“Billy, stop it,” Dr. Reilly demanded. “Stop lying to me. Stop trying to deny it. I know you’re having sex with my son. I just want some answers. I don’t want my son to get hurt.”

“How would Brett get hurt?” I asked.

“Billy, you’ve known Brett for a very long time. He’s a very sensitive boy. He has his problems, but he’s a good boy with a good heart! He cares so much for you. He feels emotions much more intensely than other boys do. You may not even understand what you’re doing to him. A sensitive boy like him can be hurt and manipulated so easily.”

“No, wait. You think I’m manipulating Brett?” I asked indignantly. “You think I’m taking advantage of him?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I care very deeply about you and I want to respect you, but your continual lying to me is making it very difficult for me to trust you. I just want to hear the truth from your own mouth.”

“You want the truth? Okay. Here’s the truth. The truth is we love each other,” I said. “Neither of us manipulated the other. We just both knew that we loved each other. We kissed each other for the first time that day when we came over here after you told us about Brett’s dad. It was over a year later before we even did anything else. We don’t just love each other, we respect each other. You’re concerned about me taking advantage of him, but it’s Brett that’s been the stronger one emotionally. He’s more mature than me. He is smarter than you think. He’s sensitive, yeah. But that’s not a weakness. It’s one of the things that’s best about him. He’s the most caring and funny and sweet and beautiful person I’ve ever met. I love him, Jen! He’s wanted to tell you about us for a long time. I’ve been the one who’s been holding him back from telling you because I’ve been afraid of what would happen if you found out.”

“So, you love him?” she asked.

“More than life itself,” I replied. “I would die without him. I can’t breathe when he’s not with me. If you take him away from me it’ll kill me! We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“I didn’t say that you were doing anything wrong,” she replied. “Believe it or not, Billy, but you and Brett are not the first boys who have had the feelings you do. You’re not the first boys who have ever had sex with each other. I’ve had the mothers in my office, screaming at me, telling me to fix their sons. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell them, I can’t fix what’s not broken. You are who you are. Now, am I thrilled that my son is having sex with you? Of course not. But it’s not the fact that it’s with you, Billy. I don’t think he should be having sex with anyone right now. He’s only sixteen. He’s still a little boy in a young man’s body. I’d prefer that he waited until he was a little more mature. But, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. What’s done is done. I would feel the same way if he had a girlfriend. I’m not your enemy, Billy. I love you very much, but I love my son more. I don’t want him to get hurt. He’s a sweet boy. He can get hurt so easily, and let’s be honest, there are times when your temper can get the better of you, Billy.”

“The last thing I would ever do is hurt Brett,” I replied.

“I know you believe that with all your heart, but Billy, this is coming from a boy who broke his own hand in anger. I know you wouldn’t do anything to Brett on purpose, but you still have those moments when your temper gets the best of you and I don’t want Brett to get hurt when that happens. You need to understand that sex complicates a relationship, it doesn’t make it easier. I’m not just talking about having awkward conversations with a concerned mother. You know Brett better than anyone. You know he can be infuriating sometimes. Even I’ve lost my temper with him. He’s very clever. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction and he loves to press them all. He loves to test boundaries. Can you understand why I might be concerned? You can be a grenade even without an instigator and Brett’s a boy who’ll pull your pin just to watch you explode. That mirror didn’t punch itself.”

“I promise you that I would never hurt him. We’ve been through a lot together, Jen. I’m not the same kid I was when I punched that stupid mirror. I’ve changed. I’m not screwing around with Brett. Our love is real. I’d die for him.”

“Okay, Billy,” Dr. Reilly said. “I believe you. I just don’t want my son to be taken advantage of. You’re incredibly bright. Brett’s a sweet and loving boy, but let’s face it he’s not the brightest bulb in the box. He loves more than he thinks. I can’t say I’m surprised that the two of you ended up together. It’s almost a relief that he’s found someone who loves him for who he is, and understands the way he is.”

“So how long have you known?” I asked.

“About Brett? Oh please! Have you met him? I’ve known about him since he was five years old. He probably doesn’t even remember the day we watched Cinderella and he told me he was going to marry a prince someday. I just said okay. But that’s just who he has always been. Never one to play by the rules society had for him. He’s… Well, let’s just say it doesn’t surprise me. He hasn’t hidden it from me. He’s not the kind of boy who hides who he is. In fact, when he started sneaking around with you it was one of the first clues I had that your relationship had taken a serious turn. Honestly, this isn’t the first time I’ve found this kind of pornography on his computer. Brett’s not always the most careful boy when it comes to closing his computer. The only thing I did with this laptop was open it. Brett left the movie running when he left.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I said, laughing. “So, I guess you’ve kind of always known?”

“I’m his mother, Billy. A mother always knows, even if they don’t say anything. Brett’s infatuation with you has never been a secret around here. We never really talked about it, but it was obvious that he was smitten with you from the very beginning. All he talked about the first month we moved here was you, and I’d have to be blind not to see how much he loves you. He’s never talked to me about a girl. By now he would have, but he talks about you constantly. But I wasn’t sure how mutual the feeling was. Once I knew you were having sex with him, I wasn’t sure if you were just using him or if you really loved him the way he obviously loves you. I’m glad you’ve lived up to Brett’s love for you.”

“You know he’s going to be pissed at you when he finds out about all this,” I said. “Not so much that you know, but that you talked to me first instead of him. He’ll feel like you railroaded me into confessing.”

“Oh, I know. Trust me, I know. But I knew I was more likely to get the truth from you without an explosion. I know I haven’t always been the best mother to him. I know that I’ve spoiled him. Any time he acts like a brat, I know I have no one to blame but myself for allowing him to behave like that. I really wasn’t ready to be a mom, Billy. I’m probably still not ready. There have been many moments when I’ve sacrificed time with him in the name of my career. I’ve been a terrible mother.”

“You’re not a terrible mother,” I replied. “You’ve accepted him as he is. You haven’t tried to force him to be something he’s not. You haven’t tried to split us up or gotten angry at me for loving him. Some moms wouldn’t be very cool about this. My mom sure won’t be. You have been.”

“And I’ve also been away from this house far more than I should have been. I’ve missed so much. I missed you and my son falling in love right under my nose. I’ve hid the mess I got into with his conception from him for far too long. I’ve treated him like a baby for far too long.”

“He’s a lot tougher than you realize. I don’t think you really need to hide his father from him. Brett can handle it. I mean, it’s not exactly the most embarrassing thing in the world to have sex with your boyfriend. Unless it’s not Charlie that you’re worried about.”

“What are you suggesting?” she asked.

“Well, Jen, you tell me, since we’re being honest with each other and everything. You told us the story of your boyfriend, Charlie. You said he accused you of cheating on him.”

“That’s right,” she replied.

“Well I’ve been thinking about this a lot. The more I think about it, the less it makes sense. I mean, why all the secrecy? People cheat on their boyfriend or girlfriend all the time, but they don’t hide their kid’s father from them for sixteen years unless there’s more to the story. I don’t think Charlie is Brett’s father. It doesn’t make sense. And since I was honest with you, I think you should be honest with me. What really happened back then, Jen? Who is Brett’s real father?”

“That’s really none of your business.”

“But it is Brett’s business. And if it’s important to Brett then it’s important to me. You admit that you lied to Brett for years. And even when you said you were going to tell him the truth you still lied to him. Why can’t you tell the truth?”

“I think this conversation has gone on long enough, Billy!”

“So my sex life is open for discussion but yours isn’t?” I asked.

“Your sex life involves my son.”

“And yours involves my boyfriend,” I replied. “I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m just trying to put the pieces together. It doesn’t make sense! You obviously don’t want anyone to know about what really happened. I think it’s more than just being embarrassed about cheating.”

“I refuse to have any part in this conversation any longer, Billy,” Dr. Reilly said with a hint of anger rising in her voice. “All Brett needs to know is that he is loved and accepted just the way he is, no matter how he was conceived.”

“Why are you so ashamed, Jen? What could possibly be so bad that you’ve turned your life and the life of your son into such a mess? Why are you so afraid to have people find out the truth?”

“Billy, there’s nothing I can do to fix the mistakes I made sixteen years ago. I just know that Brett doesn’t need more stress in his life right now. You have no idea… You think the truth would help him, but it wouldn’t. It would destroy us, Billy. And it would destroy a lot of innocent people. That chapter of my life must remain closed. I made a huge mistake, one which I have regretted ever since.”

“You keep calling it a mistake, but can’t you see that when you say that what Brett hears is that he was the mistake? All Brett knows is that you had sex with your boyfriend and he got mad that you got pregnant. But now Brett’s having sex with his boyfriend and it’s not a mistake to him. But when you call it a mistake, in his mind he doesn’t think it’s the sex you’re talking about. He thinks it’s the result! He thinks that it means you didn’t want him. He thinks he was just an accident that you didn’t want to happen. If you want to cling to that anger and embarrassment, I guess nobody can stop you. But you’ve at least got to let Brett get over it at some point, because it kills him every time somebody brings it up and he doesn’t have an answer himself. Only the truth will allow him to ever get over it. He’s never going to be free of this until he knows the truth. He’s not going to hate you for making a mistake sixteen years ago. But he is going to hate you if you don’t tell him the truth.”

Dr. Reilly sighed. “I told Brett the truth he needed to hear.”

“But it wasn’t really the truth, was it?”

“Why are you doing this Billy?” she asked. “Brett’s happy right now. He has his answers. Some memories are better left forgotten.”

“Yeah, but someday Brett’s going to go looking for his dad. Maybe not anytime soon. But he’s going to find Charlie somehow. He has to find him. It’ll consume him if he doesn’t find him. Someday Brett’s going to get bored and start snooping around on the internet and he’s going to find Charlie. And Charlie’s going to tell him the truth, and his truth isn’t going to be the same as your truth. Wouldn’t you rather Brett hear the truth from you than from a guy who he’s thought is his dad but really isn’t? What do you think that’ll do to him?”

“That’s not going to happen. I know my son, and he’s not that eager to do the kind of digging it would take to find Charlie. I can’t tell him what really happened, Billy. There are forces at play here that you just can’t understand. I love my son, regardless of who his father is. There’s no reason to dredge up the sins of sixteen years ago. I made a mess of things back then. I made a terrible decision that I’ve regretted every day since then. The truth could cost me everything, my career, my best friends, it could even cost me my son. There’s no reason for Brett to ever have to know what I did. He shouldn’t have to pay for my mistake.”

“He already is paying! Don’t you think he deserves to know the truth?” I asked.

“What difference does it make at this point?” Dr. Reilly replied. “All it would do would be to stir up a lot of trouble. Billy, I know you love Brett. But you are projecting your emotions on him. You have to believe me, I know this situation better than you do. Brett is happy. He has his answers. He’s at peace right now. I’m asking you to please not do anything that would destroy that peace. I’m asking you, as someone who you have grown to know and to trust over the years to believe me. Don’t tell Brett about this conversation. Let him be happy.”

“So you’re happy to let him believe a lie?”

“If it keeps him happy… Yes.”

“This is why he acts like a jerk to you.”

“Billy, you have to do this, not for me, but for Brett. If you love my son you will keep this conversation between us. I hate to have to keep you from seeing him, but I will if I have to.”

“Wow, are you serious?”

“Completely. But it doesn’t have to come to that. All you have to do is keep this conversation between us. You can see Brett all you want, and I won’t interfere at all with your relationship. Isn’t that a good bargain?”

“I won’t lie to my boyfriend, Jen. For your sake, I won’t tell him that we had this conversation. But if he ever asks me, I’m going to tell him what I think. I can’t lie to him, not about this. You must understand that.”

“I hope, for Brett’s sake, you’ll do what I ask. You have to trust me.”

“I guess I do. But if you’re asking me to trust you, can I just ask you one thing?”

Dr. Reilly nodded.

“It’s Jack McKenzie, isn’t it?” I asked. “He’s Brett’s father, isn’t he?”

Dr. Reilly didn’t have to answer to tell me that I was right. The look of surprise on her face told me everything I needed to know. I stood up to leave.

“How did you know?” she asked.

“One of the few things you didn’t lie about,” I said. “He has his father’s eyes.”

I let myself out the back door of the house that I knew so well that it was almost like home for me and walked back toward the entrance to the path through the woods. I understood now why Jen felt she could never tell Brett the truth. She’d slept with her best friend’s husband. I didn’t know how it had happened. I couldn’t possibly understand what had gone through their minds. But it was clear now why she had surrounded herself with so many lies that she had come to believe the lies more than the truth. She was afraid. The truth would ruin her friendship with her best friend. Worse than that, it would destroy her best friend’s marriage. It might even destroy her career. Who would want to buy a book about teenage psychology from someone so flawed? I understood the shame. I understood why she would want to keep the past buried forever. I guess we all have secrets. We all have things in our past that we’d rather keep hidden.

As I walked back home, I stopped again at the place where Dustin had tried to do himself in. I peed over the hill like I usually did, right at the place where Dustin had once pushed me down the slope in the snow when he and Brett had their first fight. Funny, both of them were fighting over me back then, and I was too young to realize it. Brett had really won that day. Brett had won a lot against Dustin.

I sat on Dustin’s stump and looked out over the town. It was staying light outside a lot longer, but dusk was approaching quickly. I sat there thinking for a long time. It was going to be hard, but I knew I had to obey Dr. Reilly and keep what I knew to myself. God, it was all so clear now. I wondered if Jack even knew the truth. I should have asked, I guess. It was only as I began to get up to go home that I realized the worst thing about the whole situation. It hit me so suddenly that I actually said it out loud instead of in my head.

“Holy shit, Brett and Joey are brothers!”