Retaliation - 9. The End of the Road

I slept in the guest room overnight. Brett insisted it was only because he hurt so much, but I think he was kind of mad at me that I’d let Dustin into not only his house but also his life. After I’d helped him up the stairs, he gingerly stripped down and I drew a bath for him. He just soaked there for a long time, and I gently cleaned up his wounds. His shirt and shorts were ruined with blood stains, and boxers were soaked with piss. He was really embarrassed about pissing himself and begged me not to tell anybody. I wouldn’t, of course. When Brett woke up the next day, he was still really sore. His face and wrist were swollen, he had two nasty black eyes and he was bruised up pretty bad. He had a wicked bump on the back of his head, and several bruises on his neck, belly, and face. He looked like he hadn’t slept either. I knew sometimes his medication made him have nightmares, and I assumed he had a lot of material in his brain to process. He informed me that he was not going to school, and I wasn’t going to argue with him. It felt very awkward to get on the bus at Brett’s stop without him.

I wasn’t in the mood for anybody’s shit that day, that’s for sure. I’m usually fairly quiet in school and try to stay under the radar. But I was itching for a fight that day, and I didn’t care about who it was that I pissed off. It started with Bobby Rush, who had never been anything but my friend. All he did was say hello and I snapped at him. Fortunately, Bobby is not only the biggest guy in school but also about the nicest guy in school, and he just shrugged it off. Then I snapped at some freshmen in the hallway for being stupid. I didn’t often take advantage of being almost six feet tall, but I sure scared the crap out of them when I yelled at them.

Things really got heated in Miss Winston’s class when a debate got started about evolution. Joey and some of his church friends were arguing that evolution was against their religious beliefs. Miss Winston was patiently listening to them and trying to steer the conversation peacefully.

“I’m not here to judge your religious beliefs,” she said. “I’m only here to offer you the opportunity to explore the world in a critical way.”

“Why are we debating this crap?” I finally snapped.

“Billy, that is not appropriate language, no matter how much you may disagree with someone’s opinion,” Miss Winston replied.

“Stupid is not an opinion, it’s just stupid,” I replied. “You want to believe some pretend guy in the sky with a big white beard snapped his fingers and all of this just appeared… I’d call that stupid.”

“Are you saying you don’t believe in God?” Emily asked.

“I don’t know, Em. I just can’t look at the world and turn my mind off and not see that it’s a lot older than six thousand years old. That’s just stupid. I’m not saying there’s no God, I’m just saying that reading the bible literally is literally stupid. The first chapter of Genesis isn’t a science book.”

“So you don’t believe in the bible?” Joey asked.

“Not the way you do,” I replied. “I don’t believe that any loving god would tell people to hate people who are different than you and slaughter them like cattle. You want to believe that, you go right ahead. But I think it’s bullshit.”

“What does that have to do with creation?” Joey asked.

“I don’t know. I’m not the one going around calling people names and telling them they’re going to hell because you don’t like them and you disagree with them, you stupid ass!” I snapped.

Just then the bell rang. Needless to say I had to stay with Miss Winston while the rest of my classmates went to their next class. Once the room was cleared, Miss Winston closed the door. I sat at my desk and fiddled with my pen.

“You want to tell me what that was all about?” she asked.

“Nope,” I said angrily.

“Billy, I know you’re under a lot of stress, but…”

“You don’t know what I’m going through,” I said as I pointed my pen at her. “You don’t know anything! Everybody’s so fucking stupid around here!”

“Then why don’t you inform me?” she asked.

“Because it’s stupid! I hate this stupid place. I hate it here. This school! This stupid goddamn town! It’s all a bunch of ignorant assholes! I hate these stupid losers. They’re all a bunch of phony assholes who smile in your face and then stab you in the back as soon as they can. I can’t wait to move away from here.”

“You’re obviously upset about something, Billy. I’d like to help if you’ll let me.”

I stared at her incredulously. “Oh please. Spare me the psychological bullshit, Pat. I get enough of that crap at home. You’re not going to fix me.”

“I know I’m not going to fix you, Billy. I just want to help you.”

“I don’t need your help,” I replied.

“You’re not the first boy to sit in here after class this term and tell me he didn’t need help. Dustin told me he didn’t need help either. I suspected something was wrong for a long time, and now, things are worse. I don’t want to make the same mistake with you, Billy.”

“Dustin’s a lot worse off than me. My life is normal compared to his. I’m not being abused. I’m not out selling my ass for money. I’m not being abused by my parents. I’m just a stupid kid who wants to be left alone! Why are people so concerned with how I live my life? I just want people to leave me alone and not bother me.”

“So I guess the rumors about Dustin are true then?” she sighed. “I was hoping that things had been exaggerated.”

“Wait, who told you about Dustin?” I asked.

“It’s a small town, Billy. There have been rumors and innuendo about Dustin’s family for years, long before I asked for his help with volleyball. I was hoping that I could get him out of that house for a while and maybe help him, but he never let me get close to him. That boy is so fragile. His defenses are always up. Sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever met the real Dustin.”

“I guess we all have things we don’t want people to know about us,” I replied.

“But if you keep things bottled up for too long, they can eventually tear you up inside. Don’t hide who you really are, Billy. There are people who will hate you for who you are, but there are a lot of others who will stand up for you. Isn’t it terrible having to pretend to be something that you’re not, never letting anyone get too close because you’re afraid they’ll hate you because of who you really are?”

I stared at her for quite a while. Somehow, I just knew that she knew. She knew about me in a way that not even my dad knew, because she’d been me. I lowered my guard a little bit.

“So when did you know?” I asked.

“When did I know what?” she replied.

“When did you know you were gay?” I asked hesitantly.

“I was a little older than you,” she said.

 

“When did you know I was gay?” I asked.

“Quite a while now. Don’t worry, I haven’t told anyone. But I think you’d be surprised how many people are pulling for you. You may think you’re all alone in this, but you’re not.”

“I guess. It doesn’t feel like it though. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can talk to.”

“You can talk to me, Billy,” she replied. “I know I’m your teacher, but I’m also your friend. But since I am your teacher there are some things I just can’t talk about. You know we have a support group.”

“No offense, Pat, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in that group of yours,” I insisted. “Even if I were out. I don’t need more stress in my life.”

“Don’t you want to be supported by people who understand you? Don’t you want to be a support for others like you?” she asked.

“No! I don’t want to be your little project, okay. It's my life! I don't want people to find out about me. It's bad enough that my dad knows I’m gay. I don't want to be a role model, I just want people to stay out of my life and leave me alone! I hate being gay! I wouldn’t have chosen this! I can't help it that I love who I do. It just happened and it's not fair!"

I had seen Miss Winston angry at volleyball lots of times, but it was never directed at me until that moment. “You want to know what's not fair, Billy? Twenty-five years of hiding isn't fair. Having the people in this town make my life a topic of conversation at the dinner table isn't fair. Having the school board question my intentions when I took over the volleyball team wasn't fair. You don't know what unfair is, Mr. Roberts. I, and others like me, went through hell so kids like you wouldn't have to!”

“What? Am I supposed to thank you or something? Thanks for being a fucking coward and hiding for twenty-five years so you could live a lie. You could have made it easy for us! You could have stood up to these morons twenty years ago instead of making us fight your battles for you! My boyfriend got the hell beat out of him because he loves me! You expect me to say thank you? What the fuck do you want me to do?” I shouted.

“I want you to be yourself, without hiding! I want you to realize that it's not the end of the world that you're gay. I want you to not hate yourself because of your feelings. I want you to be able to say it proudly without feeling like the world's worst monster.”

“Well that's not going to happen, okay? It's not! You’re living in fantasy land! I'm not going to be your goddamn project. ‘Oh, let's see if little Billy doesn't get his brains bashed in too.’ Fuck that! I’m not your project.”

“You can’t hide forever. I’ve spent twenty-five years hiding. I don’t want that for you and Dustin.”

“Wait… Do you think that me and Dustin are together?”

“Well I just assumed…” she replied.

I laughed. “Dustin’s not my boyfriend. He’s just my friend. The most I ever did with Dustin was a hand job and we didn’t even cum. Oh wait, that’s probably one of those things you didn’t want to talk about! You sure you want to know all my secrets?”

“No no, that’s quite alright… Well if he’s not your boyfriend then who is? Who got beat up?”

I smiled. “Maybe I’ll just let you figure it out on your own. It’s so funny because he’s the one who doesn’t care if people know about him.”

“So you said your dad knows,” Miss Winston said. “And he was okay with it?”

“Yeah. He’s pretty cool. I wish I’d understood that sooner.”

Miss Winston smiled at me. “I’m glad he’s supportive. You’re a special kid, Billy. You always have been. And what’s inside of you is special too. When you’re ready, you’re really going to make a difference in the world. Don’t let the people of this town get you down. They can’t stand to see something beautiful. They don’t want to change who they are so they want to change you. It’s always been that way. But maybe we can begin to change that. If you’re feeling over-whelmed, or if you need someone to talk to, you know I’m here for you. You can just talk or yell or cry if you have to. Just know that you have someone who has been there and who understands.”

The bell rang for dismissal. The sound of students clamoring in the halls penetrated the room.

“So should I tell people you yelled at me for calling Joey an ass?” I asked.

“He is an ass,” Miss Winston laughed. “But, I do have a reputation to maintain, and things did get heated between us. So tell them I gave you what for,” she smiled.

“Okay,” I replied.

Brett skipped school again on Tuesday, but he came back on Wednesday. He looked a lot better than the last time I’d seen him, although it was still obvious that he’d been beat up. He had the raccoon eyes, but the swelling had mostly gone away. When people asked him what happened, he simply told them that he’d been in a fight, and that was all, no details at all. So by the end of the day he’d earned quite a reputation, even though he’d been slaughtered, as some kind of badass you didn’t want to mess with. I had to pick on him on the bus ride home, because while his legend had grown, I reminded him that he’d cried like a little bitch when Dustin smacked him around.

“Hey, all I said was that there was a fight,” Brett insisted. “I never made any claims about who won or lost. I would think it’s oblivious that I got slaughtered just looking at me.”

“Oblivious?” I asked.

“What? That’s not the word? Whatever. Anyway, people don’t even know who the fight was with. They just assume that if I look this bad the other guy must look worse.”

“You didn’t even land a punch!” I laughed. “I’m the one who hit him with a frying pan.”

“Yeah, after I got the shit kicked out of me, thank you very much,” Brett laughed.

“I tried to help,” I protested.

“I know you did, you big coward. Anyway, thanks for not mentioning that I pissed my pants.”

“I’m in no position to make fun of somebody because of that,” I replied.

The bus stopped at Brett’s street and he headed home. As the bus continued toward my street we passed Dustin’s house. I was shocked to see Dustin’s dad’s truck parked there. It hadn’t been there since everything had blown up. So, as soon as the bus let me off I dropped my book bag off on the back porch and ran up the hill to the intersection where Dustin’s stump was. Sure enough, there was Dustin, sitting there smoking a cigarette. He looked white as a ghost, and even thinner than ever.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“She’s going to let him move back in,” Dustin said flatly.

“What?!?” I exclaimed. “That’s insane! Doesn’t she know what he did to you?”

“Yeah, she knows. She just doesn’t give a shit,” Dustin sighed. “I don’t give a shit either. Whatever. It is what it is.”

“Why isn’t he in jail?” I asked.

“Billy, she didn’t even call the police. Why should she? She’s happier with him than she is with me anyway. They’ll be better off together.”

“That’s fucking bullshit, Dustin!”

“Yeah, well… It is what it is. Whatever, I don’t care. It sure is pretty up here, isn’t it?”

“Dustin…”

“Billy, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Why don’t you love me?” he asked, the whole conversation he’d been looking down the hill at the town below us. Only when he asked that question did he finally look at me.

“You know I love you,” I replied.

“No, you love Brett. He won. I get that now.”

“It’s not a competition, Dustin! I love you for who you are. You’re my best friend.”

“And that’s all I’ll ever be,” he said. “It’s okay. It is what it is. Some things are never meant to be. I know that now. I know what I have to do.”

“What are you saying?” I asked.

Dustin stared back down the hill. “I… I don’t think I can live with him. I want them to be happy. They’ll be happier without me. I’m not afraid anymore. Everything is clear now. I just… I might have to go away.”

“Where will you go?” I asked.

“Somewhere they can’t find me,” Dustin replied. He walked up to me and put his hands on my shoulders. “I have to tell you something, Billy. It’s something I should have told you a long time ago. I love you. I always have and I always will. There, I said it. I never thought I would be able to say it, but I did. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time but I never could. I’ve always loved you, and not like some stupid best friend. I guess I was a queer all along. I just could never admit it. Pretty stupid, huh? You’re the only thing about this place I’ll miss. I wish I’d have been braver and said something before Brett came along. Maybe then we could have been together. Maybe then I could have been happy. But it is what it is, I guess. He won and I lost, right? He’s your boyfriend. I’m just… me. I just want one thing from you.” Then he leaned in and gently kissed me on the lips. After a moment, he pulled away and smiled. “I’ve always wanted to do that. I guess I better head back. Don’t forget me. Okay?”

“Dustin…” I called to him as he walked down the path.

He turned and looked at me. He didn’t say anything, he just gave me a little nod and then continued down the path toward his house.

On Saturday, dad told me that he had a special project that he wanted me to help him with. We took the truck, and he let me drive. He gave me directions that had me driving all over the county until we found ourselves in the little town of Washington. No, not the nation’s capital, the biggest city in our county. Dad made me parallel park in front of the hardware store, and again on main street before lunch. We had lunch at Shorty’s Hot Dogs and dad had me drive again through town until we were near the mall.

“Uh… Dad. When are we going to get to the job?” I asked.

“Soon, Billy. We just have to make one more stop. Turn right at the stop light.”

I did as he asked, and then he had me turn again. He had me all confused as to where we were going until he had me make one last turn, right into the drivers’ licensing station.

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

“Well, you have a driver’s test scheduled at one o’clock,” dad said.

“WHAT!?!?” I panicked! “I’m not ready for that! We’re in the truck! I’ve already failed twice!”

“Billy, listen to me. Your mother thought you needed a change from what you’ve been doing when you took these tests before to ease your performance anxiety. So she planned this behind your back. You’ve been driving like a pro all morning. You know exactly what you’re doing. You know this truck inside and out. And you have no time to get nervous because you’re next.”

The policeman was walking toward the truck as dad got out and met him. Dad and the policeman shook hands and dad gave him his license and registration, and my permit, which he’d been holding for me. It was the same officer who had failed me for driving in the wrong way the first time I’d taken the test. Then dad walked into the licensing center. I sat there like a doofus. The officer asked me to roll down my window and asked for me to turn the lights on and off, and to honk the horn. He soon joined me in the passenger seat.

“Roberts, eh?” he smiled. “I remember you. Wrong-Way Roberts,” he chuckled.

I smiled weakly. I must have become a running joke at the licensing center. I was gonna throw up.

“You look nervous, son.”

“I am nervous, sir,” I replied.

“Well relax. Can you pull up to the white line and stop, Mr. Roberts?”

I did as he asked. We drove behind the licensing center. I performed the various tasks of stopping and turning as the officer directed. Then we approached the place where I was expected to parallel park. Now, I’d parallel parked the car hundreds of times, but the truck was twice as big as the car. But by some miracle, I did it perfectly! After I pulled out of the parking area, the officer directed me to drive between the squiggly lines, avoiding some cones, and then he made me pull in front of the licensing center and stop.

“Aren’t we going out on the road test?” I asked.

“No,” he replied.

“Oh…” I said. I didn’t even know what I’d messed up. I started to tear up.

The officer filled out a few things on his clipboard and then handed me a form. “Here, take this into the building and get your picture taken,” he said.

“Really?” I asked excitedly. “You mean I passed?”

“Son, anyone who can parallel park something the size of this truck can handle anything. Besides, I already had you on the road test and you did great, except for the end.”

“Oh my god! Thank you!” I beamed. I passed! I passed! I passed!!!! I got out of the truck so quickly I almost forgot to take the keys with me. As I ran into the building, I found my dad waiting for me inside. He’d been watching from the lobby. The officer followed me into the building.

“He’s all yours, George!” the officer said, handing my dad his license and registration. “If I’d have known he was your son I might have warned him before he turned into the exit last time.”

“You didn’t go easy on him on my account, did you, John?” dad laughed.

“Hey, he earned it when he parallel parked that beast you made him bring here,” Officer John laughed. “When you told me you were coming I thought you’d bring your wife’s car. So, see you at Ed’s tonight?”

I didn’t care about their conversation because I was fucking pumped! I brought my paperwork in to the lady who was taking pictures for licenses. I didn’t even have time to fix my hair, and I barely had time to smile before I was walking back out to my dad with a piece of plastic with my goofy smirking face on it. According to the state, I was born on December 19, 1986, I was 5’11” and my eyes were gray for some reason. But most importantly, according to the state, I was a legal driver!

My dad was sitting in a chair waiting for me when I returned to the lobby.

“Well it’s about time,” he said.

When we returned to the truck, I sat in the driver’s seat and smiled. I gripped the wheel and pulled toward the exit.

“How did you know I could parallel park this thing?” I asked.

“If you could do it downtown you can do it for a silly little test,” dad replied.

“How do you know that cop?” I asked.

“I know everybody,” dad smiled that sly smile of his.

“Can I get my own car?” I asked.

“Sure,” dad laughed. “Just get a job.”

We both laughed. I felt like I was floating as I drove us home. It turned out that dad didn’t have a job scheduled at all. Everything that had taken place that morning had been carefully planned by my mom and dad. When we got home, mom was waiting for us. I excitedly showed her my license. She said I needed a haircut, which is what she said about every picture that was taken of me. I hadn’t had a haircut in months and I was rather shaggy. She told me that she had made plans to eat at Janet Rush’s diner, as a reward for passing my test.

When we got to the restaurant, I had to show Janet my license, of course. Bobby was working in the kitchen, but Janet let me go back and see him. He laughed when I showed him my license and he showed me his license too. He was a few months older than me and he’d had his license for a while. We shared test failure stories (he’d messed up parallel parking too) and I suggested that when he was old enough I could use his license to buy cigarettes, which was hilarious because I’m about as pasty white and skinny as you can get and he was a very dark-skinned and very large African-American.

Dinner was delicious, and even our conversation was about as happy as we’d been as a family in a long time. I drove us home and mom left for work around seven for her night shift. She was working a lot of nights lately. Our time at the diner was about the most time mom and dad and I had spent together since dad had come home from having his stroke. It seemed like we had drifted further and further apart since then. Mom was spending more and more time out of the house, doing stuff with her church friends, at least that’s what she told us. There were some nights when she’d be out when I’d check the church bulletin to see where she was, but there was nothing planned on the calendar. Oh well, it was none of my business. As long as she was leaving me alone, I didn’t care.

Dad knocked on my door about ten minutes after mom left. “I’m going to go out for a while, Billy,” he said. “If you want to spend the night at Brett’s place that’d be alright with me. You won’t have to go to church with your mother that way.”

“Sold!” I laughed. “What are you gonna do tonight, dad?” I asked.

Dad smiled. “Ed Nicholson’s having a poker night.”

“Can I go?” I asked. The last time I’d gone I destroyed my dad and everybody else and won a couple hundred bucks.

“No no no… That’s quite alright. The guys didn’t like getting crushed by a kid last time. Besides, you’ve earned some time with your bud,” dad said. “Enjoy it.”

Dad didn’t have to tell me twice. I called Brett and he told me that while his mom was going to be home later on, I was welcome to spend the night if I wanted. He told me that the door would be unlocked and that he’d be ready for me in his room when I got there. So I packed a few things and made my way up the hill. I couldn’t wait to show Brett my license. He had no idea I’d gotten it. Brett had only just turned sixteen a few weeks earlier and still hadn’t gotten his learner’s permit, so he had a long way to go before he got his license. Dustin had turned sixteen too, but he couldn’t get his license until he turned eighteen because of what he’d done to Mike’s car.

It was fairly warm for early April. It was a beautiful clear evening. It was dark, so I brought my flashlight along. I walked with an extra spring in my step, as I hadn't been so happy in quite a while. I never thought that I would pass that test. I was looking forward to the day when I wouldn't have to use that crummy old path anymore, and I could drive where I wanted to go. Maybe one day Brett and I would drive away from that stinking town and never look back. I made it to the top of the hill where I could see Dustin's house and all of the lights of the town. I turned my flashlight off, so I could see the town more clearly. I stood there on top of the hill, taking a piss on a beer can and enjoying the sights of my neighborhood. Donora was a piece of crap, but it was pretty at night.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of something on the ground near Dustin’s old stump. I turned on the flashlight and shined it toward the shadowy ground. There were a lot of beer cans littered about. There had to be about a dozen or more of them reflecting the light from my flashlight. I was about to move on when I realized that there was more than beer cans lying on the ground. I caught sight of a bare foot, and then another. I nervously approached the area. Dustin was laying facedown, naked on the ground with mud all over him and even more beer cans littered around him. I wondered how long he’d been there. He had to be freezing laying there naked. I wondered if he’d gotten himself drunk and he’d been up here jacking off or something. I’d whipped my dick out a time or two in these woods, I’d even fucked Brett up here once, so I wasn’t that surprised to find Dustin naked. But I figured I did need to get him up and moving or he’d freeze to death up there.

“Hey, Dustin!” I called. But Dustin didn’t budge. I walked toward him.

“Dustin, you need to wake up,” I said. The smell of beer was overwhelming. There were close to thirty beer cans scattered around. Some of them looked like Dustin had just thrown them around. I walked a little closer, I was really starting to get nervous.

“Dustin?” I called, my voice now barely a whisper.

Then I realized, it wasn’t mud that Dustin was covered with, it was blood.