The English Year - 55. The Unlovable Corbin Crowley

The next few minutes were the most hectic moments of my life up to that point. Sheer chaos. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Chaos. Plain and simple. I scrambled to get out of bed and pull on a pair of shorts, realizing how much more catastrophic this situation would be if I had to face Mike and Pete completely naked. I tripped over myself, falling towards the door, before catching myself and standing midway in the room, between Pete on my bed, and Mike at the entrance. Mister was perched at full alert on the back of the couch, right next to me. I glanced down at my cat, back up at Pete, and then at Mike.

“Mike,” I pleaded, my voice barely carrying across the room.

I could hear Pete rustle behind me. I didn’t know which way to face, so I just stood there like one of those puppies they put in the center of the room and ask who they want to live with. I pulled a hoodie off my couch, and forced it over my head.

“Corbin,” Mike’s voice matched mine. Low and unsteady. “Come out into the hall with me. I need you to talk to me.”

I looked back at Pete briefly, he was pulling on a pair of his own underwear while still sitting on the side of my bed. I turned to Mike.

“Corbin, please,” Mike said. His voice turned suddenly into a whisper. A whisper with an aggressive yet desperate growl. An aggravated whimper. “Don’t make me beg. I need to talk to you. You owe me that…” I just looked back at him. “Don’t make me beg you.”

I tilted my head back to keep a tear from coming down my face. I licked my top lip, contemplating what to do next. I tried to breathe evenly, but I was on the verge. I heard Mike take a step towards me and whisper the word ‘please’ barely audibly. He slowly circled the couch to where Mister and I stood.

Before I knew it, he was next to me, in my ear.

“Please, I am trying my best not to look like a chump here, but I need to talk to you,” he whispered.

Pete turned his head from where he sat on my bed. I watched him pull his sweater on over his bare torso. I gave him a sheepish look. He reached for his pants and sighed. .

“You know what? You two have the room,” Pete stood, pulling his pants on, and grabbing his jacket from where it had been flung earlier. He kissed me on the cheek, gave Mike a glare, and then said, “I’ll see you later, killer. Don’t be too long.”

His words pierced me as a threat. I couldn’t speak for Mike, but they sent a chill down my spine. It was almost as if Pete was branding me with his words. They were more aggressive than usual, and why shouldn’t they be? Why wouldn’t they be? He was leaving me there with the one guy in the world who could compete with him for my affection. The only person he’d seen be an actual threat to him.

He looked at Mike again, this time turning to give me a big kiss on the lips. I let him have his moment before pulling away. The brand of Pete’s lips seared into mine.

Mike and I both watched him leave slowly in silence. The three of us were barely breathing.

“That guy can’t be serious with that,” Mike said after Pete closed the door behind him. I heard the music blaring for a brief second, realizing that Mike had to have come through the melee of the party to reach us. The last time that happened… I shook my head.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, taking a step back towards my cum covered bed.

“I need to talk to you,” he replied.

“Now?” I raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t want to wait.”

“Wait? Wait…” I tried to do the calendar math in my head. “Are you?”

“Out? As of this morning,” he replied. “And since they let me out… I have to talk to you.”

I took a deep breath and crossed my arms.

“I know why you did what you did,” he said squarely, taking a step towards me.

“Mike, I-”

“I get it, Corbin. It took me a while, because maybe you’re right, I’m not that smart. But I get it. You knew I would get it one day. That I’d understand. That I’ll always be in your corner. You knew that. You know that.”

He took another step towards me. We were face to face at this point. I could feel Mike’s breath. His energy. I could feel his heart beating next to mine. He reached out, traced the hair on my face behind my ear, and stroked my neck as he repeated himself.

“You knew I’d get it one day,” he whispered. “And I do. Listen, Corbin. Don’t say anything. That guy out there, he doesn’t look at you the way I do. He doesn’t see you. I sat there and took that from you because… because you had to save yourself, and I get it now. I’m trying not to be a chump about this, but if it’s what you needed, I’d sit there for a thousand days if I had to. If it meant saving you.”

“Mike.”

“Corbin, I would give up everything for you. I’m ready to do that now, if you’ll let me. That guy that just left? Can you actually tell me that he’d do the same thing? That he would have sat there and taken it for you? That he’d get it? Did you even call him to testify for you? On your behalf?”

I took a deep breath. How was I supposed to answer that? And how did Mike know that I hadn’t?

“Mike, you don’t have to do this. What I did was awful.”

“I know it was, but you had to do it.”

“You don’t have to forgive me for putting you through that.”

“I know I don’t,” he replied, grabbing my cheek and chin with his strong hand. “I know I don’t, and I know I shouldn’t. But I do. Would he?”

“Mike, you can’t compare yourself with Pete. It’s just… it’s different.”

“Different how? Tell me like I’m dumb.”

I swallowed. I took a step back, but Mike pulled me back so that I couldn’t go anywhere.

“It’s just different.”

I resigned, sitting back down onto the bed. Mike took a seat next to me.

“Listen to me, killer,” I heard the word sting, coming from both of them as I heard it. The way they both used the word because of me only added to the fact that I had pitted them against each other long before they even knew of each other.

“He can offer you what? A few more months? A summer fling before he goes back to England? Is he even going to stick around? For you? Like I would?”

Mike paused.

“Here’s what I’m offering. The world, Corbin. Come to Maryland and meet The Captain and my mother. She’ll cook you supper, and she’ll love you. I’ll come to Texas and meet the pastor and your family. And next year, live with me off campus. Somewhere between our schools. And after graduation we can move to…I don’t know… New York? Or San Francisco or some place where it’s fine for us to walk around holding hands, making out at brunch, planning our wedding or some other type of shit. You can suck my dick every night, Corbin. And we can just be two guys who love each other. That’s it. I’m offering more than just a year with an English exchange student. I’m offering you forever. I get it now, and I’m not going anywhere. Ever again.”

By the time Mike was done, I had tears rolling down my face. I didn’t know what to say or do. My boyfriend that I had worked so hard to obtain was downstairs wondering why I was still up here talking to Mike. And Mike was right there offering me the world. I was stuck between these two guys, and I had no idea what to do next.

“I love you, Corbin,” Mike added finally, when I didn’t respond right away. “I spent every day in solitary finally realizing how much I love you. I don’t have any excuses anymore. I don’t know what it means for me, or what it means for us, but I know what I feel for you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

I shifted my weight and scratched my right eyebrow as I took in everything Mike had to say. It was a lot, and I couldn’t come up with an answer right then. I heard what he was saying. I felt what he was saying. I knew that Mike was speaking from the bottom of his heart, and I knew that I needed to give him something. A response. Some sort of affirmation that I heard him, even if I needed time.

And so I put my arms around him and brought him in for a kiss. It was slight at first, but after a second, Mike brought his hand to the back of my neck and drew me in tighter.

Before long, he was sharing in my response to his words. He was pulling the response right out of me, tongue and all. It was a kiss of affirmation. That I heard him. And that even though I needed time, I heard and felt exactly what he was saying.

And in the middle of that affirmation, I heard my door close. At some point, I had gotten lost in the moment. I hadn’t heard the door open, or the music blaring through. It was just Mike and I, feeling each other.

I snapped my head around, unable to see who had closed the door, but my heart immediately sank. No matter who it was, they’d seen me kissing someone that wasn’t my boyfriend. Worst case scenario, it was Pete, and I had actually just sealed my fate.

My heart continued to sink as I looked at Mike. I could see him pleading for me not to go after whoever had closed the door, but I had to. I had to see.

And so I sprinted, opened up the door, and saw the back of Pete’s jacket making its way down the back landing of the frat house.

I shook my head and swatted away a tear. That was it, I thought. That was the end of my relationship. There was no coming back from that. Of all of the Corbin things I had done to ensure Pete and I didn’t make it, kissing the Vmee right then like I did was probably the worst.

“Corbin-” Mike whispered as I made my way back into the room. I pushed past him, grabbed my shoes, and started slipping them on.

“I have to go,” I whispered back, resigned. I knew what I had to do, and I needed to get Mike out of my way as quickly as possible. “I have a boyfriend, and he just saw me kiss you. I have to go.”

“What about everything I just said?”

“I can’t think about that right now, okay?” I was sobbing at this point. I couldn’t help it. I sniffed in as I continued to tie my shoe. “I can’t… what if you change your mind? You think you want to do all of this stuff for me, but Mike, I already have a boyfriend who loves me. I have to go… he’s… I have to go…”

I pushed past Mike and made my way down the stairs. I could clearly hear him behind me, but there was no stopping. I couldn’t think about what Mike had said until I talked to Pete. I couldn’t weigh my options until I knew what Pete saw, and how he felt. I had heard Mike’s plea towards me. I knew what he was offering, and by running after Pete, I felt like I had to give him a chance to counter. I loved Pete more than anything. In that English year, in that time since we had given ourselves to each other, I knew that he was the love of my life.

And yet there was Mike.

Offering me the world. Loving me the way I said I wanted to be loved. Fighting for me. Fighting for us. Offering me exactly what I had asked for, despite it all.

And yet I was still running after an Englishman.

My legs were as heavy as lead, making the short walk feel like a mile. When I finally made it to Pete’s door. I stood there for at least a minute before I even knocked.

Things were moving so fast. I was processing so many feelings. It wasn’t an hour before that Pete and I had shared in a transcendent moment in our relationship, sharing my littles together as one. It wasn’t even earlier that night that I had had my own doubts about where my relationship with Pete was headed.

And I had to confront that. Maybe that’s why I wanted to chase him down so bad. Maybe that’s why I had been so quick to kiss Mike. Maybe that’s why I had so many questions. Because he’d been vague, and my natural reaction was to sabotage from there on out. To let him go before he let me go.

But part of me knew I had to go see Pete and clear it up. He was the love of my life. Mike had made his promises, but Pete was the one. I needed to hear his promises. If he had any.

But as I stood there, lead footed and wondering what to do, I asked myself what I would have done if I hadn’t heard that door close. How far Mike and I would have gone. I loved Mike. He was there, and he had made promises. Would I have kept kissing him? Would I have kept feeling him? Would I have made love to him?

I pushed those thoughts aside as I pulled my fist up to Pete’s door, and knocked. One… two… three…

I waited with a heavy heart, forcing myself to breathe. What if he didn’t answer? What if the worst had been done and the conclusion had been drawn? I took a deep breath and waited.

What if I should have stayed with Mike? He promised me the world, and yet here I was. Waiting for an Englishman to open the door And promise me what? Promise me exactly what? I pushed the thought out of my head and waited for him to open the door. .

He finally did.

I stood there with eyes of repentance. He looked back at me as if I was a stranger. I straightened my back and asked if I could come in.

Pete opened the door and ushered me past him. I walked slowly past him, brushing my shoulder against his chest to remind him of my touch. I wasn’t here to plead my case, but if I felt like he was the love of my life, the least I could do was sell it.

He closed the door behind us, and I turned to face him.

“Pete-” I started.

“You kissed him.”

The words were ice cold and razor sharp. I felt like a million shards of glass had penetrated my chest and embedded themselves into my heart.

“You said you needed to talk to him, and you kissed him.”

I took a deep breath.

“He was sad,” was all I could muster. I knew it was a ridiculous answer as I said it. I physically shook my head, regrouped, and continued. “Pete, you left with all of that… bravado… and he was threatened. He kissed me, and that was it.”

My voice was high and strained. I knew I was lying, but did Pete know? I knew I was lying, but I also had no idea what I believed. Pete was the love of my life. Mike had offered me the world. Which guy had the place in my heart?

“Corbin, you kissed him,” Pete repeated. He raised an eyebrow. I took a deep breath.

“You’re right. And that was a mistake,” I chewed the words. Did I mean them? Was it a mistake? I didn’t know at the moment, but I knew what I needed to say to save my relationship. My relationship with Pete, the love of my life.

Pete shook his head and took a step back. I reached out for his arm. I tried saying his name, but fumes came out.

“Stop,” Pete said, shaking his entire body when he felt my touch. I looked at him. I cocked my head to the side, and I asked the question.

“After everything we did to get here… one kiss?” I raised my eyebrow at him. It was an honest question. Mike had offered me the world, but Pete was the love of my life. And that but, that preposition inserted squarely into any relationship I could foresee with anyone else ever in the future, that but…

Explaining it to you, dear reader, is a Herculean task. Knowing that someone down the road would give up his life for you, but wanting the guy standing in front of you. Looking someone in the eye. Pleading with them. Not fully understanding how… not fully understanding why. But knowing this was the love you wanted. And would fight for. And would continue to fight for the rest of your life.

Everything between Pete and I flashed before my eyes. The first time we met. The first time we danced. The first time I realized I was in love. The first time he slept over, under the bed with my cat. The jokes. The flirts. The innuendos that we fought to make a reality. The first time we kissed. We fought. We made love.

The first time I hated him for not loving me the same way I loved him. And the first time I called him out on it. The first time he admitted his feelings. The first time I felt like we had a future together. Against all odds, the first… The first time he broke my heart. And how he built it back.

“Corbin,” he began slowly. I took a deep breath and tried to make a brace for my heart. For what I knew was coming next. “You kissed him… I’m not mad that you kissed him.”

I held in my sigh. My sigh of relief. I kept it close to my chest.

“I’m not mad you kissed him… You let me walk away to talk to him, and that… that’s when…”

“Pete…”

He didn’t say anything. I could see a tear in his eyes. And without saying another word, he came close to me, pulled me in close to him, and kissed me on the forehead.

I took a deep breath and waited for him to say something. I could feel him against me, his chin squarely on the top of my head. I brushed away the tear as if it were an enemy. I took a deep breath and waited. Waited for the end I knew was coming.

“Allow me to make this very easy for you,” Pete said, his voice low and shaken. “I wasn’t talking to Dakota tonight.”

I took a step back and looked up at him.

“What?” How dare he make me feel bad about kissing Mike when he had his own secrets. Make it easy for me? Make it easy for him…

And the flood of unease I felt when I left his apartment earlier that night came rushing back like a damn releasing. I waited for him to continue, grinding my teeth and waiting for an answer.

“I talked to Dakota, and she introduced me to her friend that needs a roommate… if I decided to take a Washington Term.”

I took another step back.

“How long have you been planning that?” I asked, sheepishly, suddenly feeling insecure. I ran here to chase after him. I ran here leaving Mike behind, someone who had just declared his love to me. I ran here to fix things with Pete, and they were already broken before I even arrived.

“A while but…”

“But what?”

“I wasn’t going to go,” he replied quickly.

“And now?” I asked with my eyebrows raised.

And suddenly I was furious. Beyond furious. I was fuming. I was livid.

“And now I don’t know,” he replied. “But if the cadet is what you want…”

“Shut up,” I took a step forward and put my pointer finger squarely on his chest. “Shut up. This isn’t about him. This is about you having an exit strategy if this didn’t work out. This is about you running away from us before there was an us.”

I took a deep breath.

“You aren’t making this easy for me. You’re making this easy for you, sir.”

That’s when I took a step back from him. It was my turn to look at him like a stranger.

“If you stayed, you’d resent me,” I said, my voice low and calm. “If you gave up a Washington term for me…”

“I wouldn’t,” Pete replied.

“But now you don’t have to because I kissed the cadet,” I spat. “You don’t have to resent me because your whore boyfriend kissed a cadet. It was a matter of time before I screwed up and you could walk away ”

Pete and I stared at each other.

“Who is the roommate?” I asked. “In DC?”

I watched Pete swallow as he bought himself time. I knew the answer. It wasn’t someone Dakota introduced him to. It was someone we both already knew.

“Clark?” I asked. The guy from the Christmas party that Pete had been so threatened by. “Is it him?”

“Again, I wasn’t going to go,” he replied.

“Bullshit.”

“Corbin-”

“I did you a favor. Congrats. You get to go and not feel a single bit of guilt about it,” I replied.

“That’s not what I wanted…” he trailed off.

“Until I kissed the cadet?” I pointed. “Bullshit, you wanted your Washington term. You wanted your exit strategy.”

My voice wasn’t even trying at that point. The damage had been done. Pete and I were done. I had chased him down to validate the fact that he and I were finished, not to prove our love to each other. For the first time in all the time I’d been trying to get with him, I realized I wasn’t the only one watching the door. And I wasn’t the only one who could be accused of ‘Corbining’ the situation.

The reality hit me like a glass of cold water to the face. I had my exit, and Pete had his. And if it wasn’t a kiss with a Vmee tonight, it would have been something tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after. Hell, it was almost a freshman a few hours ago.

“So you said you were going to make it easy on me…” I gasped between trying not to scream. Or cry. “So that means…”

There was a pause that could have filled the Gulf of Mexico between us.

“Just because…?” I asked.

“It’s not about the kiss…”

I could feel the tears streaming down my face like I was a madman. I could feel how hot my face was. I could feel my hands clench as I heaved, and took a step back. I put my hand on the doorknob.

“It’s everything.”

And that was it. The final shot through the heart. The affirmation that even in love, I couldn’t be loved. Not by Pete. Not by the love of my life. I heard him call my name as I turned the knob and stumbled out. I made my way through the hallway into the cold air and immediately found the nearest shrub to vomit into.

I had run away from someone declaring his love to me for this, and here I was. An English year wasted on an English man who couldn’t love.

And as I knelt there vomiting into a bush in the ally that separated Pete’s apartment from my house, I had to face the fact that maybe it was me… maybe it was me who didn’t know how to love. And that maybe everyone around me was right… the unlovable Corbin Crowley and all of the men left in his loveless wake.

The unlovable Corbin Crowley.

And as I sat there on my heels, thinking about how unlovable I was, I felt a hand pull the hair back from the front of my face and place a firm hand on my back.

“Let’s get up and get you back to the house,” a voice said. I stood with them, as they pulled my hair back into a fistfull at the nape of my neck. A hand on my shoulder, and one on the small of my back. And the whisper.

‘It’s going to be okay, Corbin. Let’s get you home.” I heard the voice. I felt the pat on the shoulder, the hand on my back. And I believed them. I stood up, let them take me home, and believed them.