Red Gold - 21. Chapter 21 - Desperate Measures

Calling to a stable boy she bid him make two horses ready immediately. The startled boy ran to comply.

“What are you doing?”

“If he won’t listen to you maybe he will listen to me.”

“Gabrielle you can’t.”

“Watch me.”

“You are to be married in three days.”

“Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think there is a minute of the day or night when I am not aware of that? And for everything Prince Orien is a sweet kind lovely person that I would not hurt for the world. But…. and never forget this Ben, never forget….. he is not Cai. I will never love him as I have loved… as I do love Cai. And if I have to sacrifice my life, my happiness for him then the least he can do is sacrifice his death for me.”

“Gabrielle…”

“I will go Ben whether you come with me or not I will go.”

The horses were led into the stable yard and Gabrielle clumsily mounted, her long skirts tangling in the unfamiliar side saddle. Ben vaulted into the saddle more naturally and they were off. Fortunately Tiama knew the way and Gabrielle did not have to do anything other than hold on.

At the village Gabrielle leaped off the horse and waited impatiently for Ben who was minutes behind. People came out of the houses to stare at her but this time their eyes could not touch her, the stares meant nothing. Leading the horses and Gabrielle, Ben moved confidently through the streets and was already being greeted by name by many they passed.

On the edge of the village there was a long low building with neat gardens. The people who tended the gardens were dressed in white and exuded an aura of calm that almost touched even Gabrielle. Ben tied up the horses on a rail at the garden gate and ushered Gabrielle through and into the building. Inside it was cool and dim, reminiscent of a church as it was lit by light through stained glass and there was a hint of incense in the air.

A grave but pleasant woman drifted out from behind a desk and Ben spoke to her in hushed tones. She nodded and then bowed to Gabrielle. “My Lady” she then returned to her work and allowed Ben to show Gabrielle the way.

Outside the door they halted. Gabrielle’s heart was pounding, her resolve slipping away. Ben squeezed her hand.

“Be strong Gabrielle. You know you can’t give him hope. You have to return to the castle so you can’t give him hope.”

“I have to give him something.”

They exchanged looks and Ben shook his head. “Are you sure you want to do this? You can still leave. You can walk away and he will never know you were here.”

“And what then? Will you come and tell me when he is gone? No, I will not have that on my conscience. I will not have him die knowing I could have done something to save him.”

Resolve strengthened she opened the door. Ben made a move to follow but she shook her head. “Thank you for your support. You are a true friend but this I have to do alone.”

The room was not anything like a hospital. There was no smell of antiseptic, no medical equipment and there were flowers on the windowsill and a low table near the door. The walls were painted a warm russet colour and the bedspread was bright patchwork of autumn tones. Curtains were drawn across the windows but errant sunbeams had escaped their guard and were making patterns on the dark brown carpet.

Gabrielle’s heart twisted in her breast at the sight of him. She had forgotten so much already. She had thought Orien beautiful and, it was true in a purely empirical sense, he was more perfect but here, through the eyes of love empiricism had no place and the imperfections were so dear to her that they only served to highlight the beauty that shone in his face.

Ben had said that he had not slept but he was asleep now. Still as a statue and pale as marble. For a moment her heart failed as she thought that she might already be too late. Flying to the bed she touched his face and he stirred and murmured in his sleep. Heavy with relief Gabrielle lay down on top of the bright coverlet and put her arm around him.

Automatically he turned to her and she stroked his hair, still bright even in the gloom. With a deep sigh his eyes fluttered and opened and then went wide, a frown hovering between them.

“I’m dreaming.”

“I am no dream, my love. See I am flesh and blood, here with you.” taking his hand she laid it on her heart but he snatched it away shaking his head. Tears had sprung to his eyes.

“You can’t be here. It is not…. proper. Who knows?”

“Only Ben… and all the people I saw on the way… probably everyone by now. To hell with proper Cai, to hell with it all. How could I not come? Ben told me that you could be well, that you were choosing to turn away from it, that in your sorrow you were choosing to die. I couldn’t let that happen.”

“Why? What difference would it make to you?”

“You can ask that? I love you Cai. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I can’t be with you but that doesn’t mean that I will ever love you less. I could not bear it if you died because of me. I could not live with that. Would you be the cause of such pain to me?”

“Sou Shan, you know that I love you with all my heart but don’t ask this of me. How can I live in a world where you are wed to another man? How can I get through each day knowing you are in his arms and not mine, that he is kissing your lips and looking into your eyes? How can you expect me to live with such pain?”

“I can expect it, and I do. I am in pain too Cai. I want to be with you, only you. I love you… but I love my people more. I have a duty to perform and I am performing it the best way I can. Your duty is to live and grow strong. You are my protector and that will always be the case. I want you at my back. You are my one true friend, the only person in this whole world I would trust with my life. Come back to me Cai. Not as my lover, that can never be, but please come back to me as my friend.”

For a long moment he stared into her eyes, tears flowing unhindered and unnoticed. Gabrielle so badly wanted to kiss him but she knew that she could not, that if she did then she would not be able to leave this room and return to the castle, and she would be dooming her people for eternity.

Eventually Cai closed his eyes and shook his head. “I am not as strong as you. I could not bear to see you and know that I can never hold you. I do not want to live in a world where you are not loving me.”

“And you never will. Have you not listened to me Cai? I love you. I will always love you. That will not change no matter where I am or who I am with. Prince Orien will have my hand, that I can do nothing about, but he will never have my heart. That belongs to you.”

Gabrielle touched his face and he flinched away. “No, don’t touch me. It hurts too much.”

“Cai, it isn’t easy for me either. It tears my heart out to see you like this knowing it is my fault and that there is nothing I can do about it. But you are the lucky one. You have friends here, you have Leelany and Ben, I am alone, I have no one. I am not used to the language, to the customs, the clothes… anything. I make a fool of myself a hundred times a day and I seem to have an issue with sisters because Prince Orien’s delightful sibling spares no opportunity to point out to me and to everyone else that I am foolish, childish or just ‘not their kind’ and in no way good enough for her precious brother.”

At last there was a spark in Cai’s eyes “If they hurt you…”

“You’ll what? What can you do lying here waiting to die? Cai, I can look after myself. Don’t worry about that, I can live my life but only if I know that somewhere, out here, you are strong and well and living yours. I am to be married in three days and the thought terrifies me. I don’t know him, I don’t really want to…not in that way. All I can think of is you and it’s killing me.” with a tremendous effort she pulled herself together. “But I can do it. I know I can. But I can only do it if I know you’re alright. So…..” she put her hand to her belt and unsheathed the small but deadly dagger that she wore at her waist, just to give her a little extra confidence, and pressed it into his hand. “If you are sure that you want to die then die, but don’t leave me here alone, take me with you.”

For a long time he stared into her eyes, his own shocked and horrified. Then he flung the dagger violently away from him, it clattered against the wall and fell out of view. “I can’t hurt you.”

“But you are hurting me.” her voice was soft and so full of pain that it finally cracked the wall he had built around his heart. Hugging her to him fiercely they clung together weeping.

After a time Gabrielle pulled away slightly and this time Cai allowed her to stroke the hair from his face and to dry his tears with the bed sheets.

“If I find food will you eat?”

Cai nodded, his eyes dull, swollen with crying but holding a spark of life that had not been there before. When she moved away he clutched her to him convulsively as though afraid to let go. But then he sighed and released her turning his head away so he would not see her leave.

Gabrielle found Ben waiting in the foyer. He looked up at her expectantly, his eyes softening when he saw her face.

“He will be alright. Where can I find food?”

Ben smiled at her, the relief clear in his face. “I will find something, do you want to wait here?”

“Yes, I need time to compose myself.”

“Of course”

He was not gone long, within a few minutes he returned with an enormous plate of bread, cheese, sliced meat and fruit, and a pitcher of sweet wine.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I will take it. Thank you Ben, thank you for everything.”

The look on Cai’s face when she walked back into the room almost broke her. Gabrielle’s legs grew weak and she was glad to set the plate on the bed as she had thought she would drop it.

“I thought you wouldn’t come back.”

“I wanted to make sure you would keep your promise.”

“I don’t want to Sou Shan. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to sleep because you are in my dreams, I don’t want to live without you….. but I will.”

“Thank you.”

Gabrielle sat in a chair and watched him eat. After the first few reluctant mouthfuls he realised that he was hungry after all and ate with more enthusiasm. Gabrielle poured them both glasses of sweet wine and she sipped hers, watching him over the rim. He looked better already, stronger and more alive. Sitting up against the pillows, his brilliant hair all the brighter against their paleness, he was breathtaking and she could not tear her eyes away from him.

When he had finished eating Cai closed his eyes and lay back with a sigh. “Are you tired now?”

“Yes.”

Moving the food plate onto the floor Gabrielle took its place. “I’ll stay with you until you are asleep.”

He opened his eyes and stared at her with intensity. “And then?”

“And then I will go back.”

“Will I ever see you again?”

“Who knows? Forever is a long time. I will not ask you to wait for me Cai, I would not presume so much, but one day… who knows, one day I may be free and if that day ever comes I will find you. I swear.” He nodded, tears in his eyes “Now, come on, let me get those pillows, you need to sleep and tomorrow you will feel better.”

Whilst Gabrielle patted pillows and flattened them for him to lie down he watched her with sad eyes and the ghost of a smile. Then he lay down obediently and stared up into her face, looking like a chid. Gabrielle had to close her eyes while she stroked his hair and sang to him softly all of the songs she could remember her mother sang to her when she was sick, or afraid or sad.

Although he fought it and forced himself to gaze at her for as long as he possibly could his weariness gradually overcame him and eventually Gabrielle could tell from the sound of his breathing that he was asleep. Opening her eyes she carefully slid from the bed and looked down at him. He was peaceful at last, his face smooth and unlined.

“I love you Cai. Goodbye.”

Whilst she still could Gabrielle turned and fled the room, tears pouring down her face. Not stopping to speak to Ben who still hovered uncertainly in the foyer she ran straight out of the building, down the path and through the gate. If it had not been for her inexperience in riding and the apparatus of riding side saddle then she would have been gone before he could have spoken to her at all but he caught her as she was getting herself into a muddle with her skirts.

“Gabrielle.” Ignoring him she struggled to free her foot from the folds of her skirts that were trapping it in the stirrup. “Gabrielle.” He spoke softly and gently tugged aside the material freeing her foot, then put his hands on her shoulders. She froze. “Gabrielle.”

Finally she could no longer contain her grief and the turned flinging herself into his arms sobbing.

“I didn’t think I could bear it. I…. I….. thought that I had… that I had resigned myself to it. He is not a bad person.. Prince Orien, we can be friends, we are friends and I thought…. I thought that maybe…. maybe one day I could be happy with him. But….. but…. how can I? How can I ever be happy Ben? Without Cai I can never be happy. What am I going to do?”

“Gabrielle, you are strong, the strongest person I have ever met. I knew that even before we came here, now I am more sure. You CAN do this. You did it once and you can do it again. You can go back to the castle and prepare for your wedding and you can allow yourself to be happy. I will take care of Cai.

“I will not ask you to forget him, I know that would be impossible. I will not ask you to put this behind you and not to think of us. All I ask is that you take one day at a time and allow yourself to experience whatever happiness you can without guilt. You will find that every day there will be more moments of happiness and less of sorrow until one day the joy will outweigh the sorrow and all this will fade and only bother you for bittersweet moments of reflection.”

“Ben, you are a poet at heart.”

“No, I am just a man who has experienced his share of pain. I was more or less brought up by my grandmother, my parents were so busy with their lives and their work. She was the one who truly awoke in me the desire to be a healer. When she died I thought my world would end, that I would never be happy again, and I still miss her, I miss her so much at times, but only at times, not all the time. Now she is a memory that gives me strength and courage to go on rather than pain.”

“I don’t want Cai to fade from my mind, to be a bittersweet reflection. I want him to be with me every moment of every day. I couldn’t believe, when I saw him today, how much he had faded already.”

“It is natural Gabrielle. You could not live with Cai as a burning flame in your mind and in your heart every day or it would consume you and you would lose your mind. He has to fade so that you can shine. Don’t hold on to him too tightly.”

“I can’t…. I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. You must and you will.”

Wordlessly she nodded and then he helped her to climb onto the horse. “One day soon come to the castle, you can bring the horse back and return Tiama to my foster mother. Look after him Ben.”

Kicking the horse’s sides she galloped away in a cloud of dust and swirling skirts and rode hard all the way back to the castle.

When she got home Gabrielle went straight to her secret garden and sat on the seat next to the pool gazing out over the water. Fortunately Serena had gone and she was alone. Since coming to this world she had often felt alone, more alone than she ever had but this time the loneliness was welcome. She wrapped it around herself like a familiar shawl.

The wind had picked up and was whipping the surface of the water into waves and the dying sun was sending long red rays into the dimness of the willow shaded grove, there were flashes of silver and flashed of red gold and both made her weep.

Rehanna found her there two hours later, half dozing in the twilight, mesmerised by the flickering shadows and bright water. Emptied and, in a way, at peace.

“My Lady, there you are. Everyone has been looking for you. You are needed in the salon. There are details about the wedding that need your input and Prince Orien has been worried, he said that you had arranged to go riding with him and did not meet with him at the appointed time. Come, you are half frozen.”

Tugging at her hand Rehanna had her on her feet and half way to the castle door before she was truly aware that she was moving. Rehanna stopped and stared at her, noting the dull eyes and swollen face.

“My Lady, what has happened?”

Gabrielle shook her head. To tired to speak too miserable to care. Rehanna took her face between her hands and forced her to look into her eyes.

“You have been riding today, the groom told me that. He said that two horses left and only one returned.” Gabrielle could only nod dumbly, dully, “Where did you go?”

“To the village. I had..,.. business to conclude.”

“And it is concluded now?” Compressing her lips to block the tears Gabrielle nodded. “Are you sure?”

“I am sure. It is concluded. It is….. finished.”

“I can see that the cost was high. Come my dear I will draw you a bath and let the Queen know that you are unwell. I would assume that at this point in time the final arrangements for the wedding are of little interest to you and you would not be offended for someone else to make the decisions for you.”

“I don’t care if I am married in sack cloth with chains on my feet.”

“My dear….”

“Oh, it’s alright Rehanna. I am not going to be difficult about this. I will comply and I will smile and I will do everything I can to make a good wife, and I do like Orien, I like him far too much to make this difficult for him or to embarrass him in any way. It’s just……. today…….”

Rehanna smoothed the hair out of her face. It has escaped the golden net into which it had been set that morning and was flying fine and free about her face and shoulders. With practiced fingers Rehanna re arranged it, tucking away the errant strands.

“It will become easier, I promise. It was so even for your mother. I know it is hard to believe but on the eve of her wedding I held her in my arms as she wept as though her life was about to end. She did not want to be queen and she did not want to be a wife….. to any man. She was wild and free and hard to control. I believe that there is no man alive but your father who could have tamed her because he did it with love and gentleness and kindness. By giving her freedom to run but, at the same time, more and more reasons to come back so that in the end there was nowhere she would rather run to that where she was.

“Orien is a good man, he is strong but gentle, kind but honest, wise and witty and he is very beautiful. You will come to love him given time, I am sure.”

“Maybe. In a way I hope so because he IS a good man and he deserves more than I can give right now. He deserves someone who adores him and wants nothing more from life than to make him happy.”

“And that is not you?”

“Not now.”

“There is another?”

“There was. It is past now.”

“Are you sure?”

“It is past. It has to be.”

“Is it the boy who came with you from your other home?”

“Ben? No. He is a friend, a good friend but nothing more.”

Rehanna nodded, her face grave. “I have spoken with you foster mother, Mirabele. I know why you had to go. I understand. But……”

“I know Rehanna, I know. I can never go again. I will never go again. You must understand that I could not let him die.”

“Of course you could not. As I said, I understand as, I believe, do you.”

“I will never be the cause of embarrassment to Orien, never. It is over, it is finished. My heart is broken but it will heal, my soul is torn but it will be made whole one day. I will never stop loving him, Rehanna, I couldn’t but I will turn away from that love, from him. I have told him that, as much as I love him I love our people more and I will do whatever is asked of me to secure their future. I will not let you down. But I cannot pretend that it is not tearing me apart.”

“Oh my dear.” Rehanna took her into her arms and held her while she wept tears that she had thought had already been exhausted. “Come.”

Gently she took her by the hand and led her through the door and the stairs to her room. There, whilst Gabrielle undressed she drew a hot deep bath scented with flowers and filled with bubbles. She took a huge fluffy towel and set it to warm in a small room to one side of the bathroom that Gabrielle had missed on her first examination. In it there was a stone slab which, by some inexplicable means was constantly hot. There was a similar room off the bedroom which provided heat for the room which ensured that the temperature of the bed chamber and the bath chamber were constant no matter what the weather was like outside.

Rehanna shook out a long linen nightdress and laid it to warm alongside the towel and then helped Gabrielle into the bath.

“You relax here my dear and I will tell everyone that you are unwell and will be wanting an early night. I will have food sent up. Eat and then try to sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy day for you. There is the last fitting of the dress and a million details to be finalised.”

“I’ll look forward to it.”

“Look forward to it all being over. On the day after the wedding there will be a war and when the war is over and your people free at last you will know that it was all worth while.”

Gabrielle smiled at her, a genuine warm smile that thawed a little of the ice around her heart. “Yes, I will keep that in mind. Thank you Rehanna….. for everything.”

“You are the closest I will ever come to a daughter Gabrielle. I would do anything for you. If I could I would take your pain and your sorrow but I cannot. If I could I would find a way to be with the one you love, but I cannot. And so I do what I can.”