Trigger The Years Past - 1. Chapter 1: Asking For Toys

He stood at the beginning of the catwalk that led to a silver metal pole in the center of the stage. Above him, the ceiling was a pit of darkness, yet he was immersed in a sea of white lights as numerous as stars in the sky. The room beyond the stage glowed blue and purple with lights that shined down and danced about. The stage itself was transparent, glowing in the same pulsating colors, almost like a lava lamp. Fog came up from the edges swirling around him. He was silhouetted against the strobing lights, revealing only the outline of his figure.

Dark Horse by Katy Perry started. He stepped out into the light wearing a pair of black leather boots with stiletto heels, matching black leather boy shorts tightly hugging his frame revealing smooth legs, and a black tee shirt, ripped off at the midriff, a red heart pierced by an arrow on its front. His eyes were outlined in black eyeliner, his midriff dashed in glitter

He timed his entrance to reach the pole as the lyrics began. Grasping the pole, he leaned back, swinging himself around in time to the music. Releasing the pole, he approached the edge of the stage swaying his hips as he lowered down to his knees, legs bending and spreading beneath him. He grinned at the couple of guys in the front row, leaning forward as if to kiss each one only to pull back teasingly.

His upper body fell backwards toward the pole, his hands planting onto the stage. In a single fluid motion, he thrust his legs up to clutch the pole, raising his torso and extending his arms to grab hold, the pole now entwined in his embrace. He released his legs, lowering them to the stage, swaying his hips as he slid down, his hands lingering on the pole above his head.

At a change in the music, he released the pole, strutting about the stage, click clacking in his boots. Satisfied that all eyes were on him, he backed onto the pole, grinding to the upbeat chorus. Moving with the music, he swung his body around the pole holding by his hands, then holding only by his legs.

The song and his dance came to their end. He exited the stage without a backward glance, knowing every desire was focused on him. A stage hand scooped up the drift of bills accumulated on the stage, tributes to the performance and the fantasies he had aroused.

"Make alot of money?" Andy asked, bitterly. His shoulder leaned against the door of the dressing room, his arms crossed.

Miracle sat there in one of the chairs in front of the large mirror, counting the handful of cash that he had, mostly twenties with a few tens here and there and maybe a couple of fifties from those extra rich parties that enjoyed his show. "Don't I always?" He chewed his gum and looked at Andy. "If it makes you mad, why do you come and see?"

"Because maybe one day I hope I can tell your parents the truth about how you are and what you're doing when I happen to talk to them? Because maybe I don't want to feel like I have to lie so that it doesn't crush them." Andy frowned.

"You think this is bad?" Miracle looked down at his money. "At least I'm not going around fucking everyone. It's what I used to do."

"No...you don't. In fact...you don't let anyone touch you at all...but you want the attention, in some way. Yet...you tell me if you didn't work here, you'd be terrified to even walk in." Andy shook his head. "It's a lucky thing you get offered the job at the gas station, that's a safe place, isn't it?"

Miracle folded the cash and started wrapping a rubber band around it. "I don't know what to say."

"You never do." Andy walked in and grabbed a chair and sat next to Miracle. "I wish I could say I knew what you went through, that I experienced some of it just so I knew how to really understand it...but it's been years. Over four years..."

"I'm told that I'm an adult. I'm told...adults get jobs. This is one thing I'm good at." Miracle looked over at Andy. "I haven't been qualified for anything else. I've been rejected everywhere, unless I happen to find those rare encounters where I sure know how to get a job made up for me...and I won't do that."

"Well, that's why you have to get qualified, actually try. I have a job, you working isn't an emergency, you can take some classes. I've told you this a hundred times."

"A hundred and seven." Miracle grinned briefly. "But who's counting?" He picked up the wad of cash. "I'm counting this. Three hundred...this was a good night."

"Well, can we go home?" Andy asked. "Hell, I don't know what good that money does you, I mean you do nothing with yourself. You'll lock yourself in the house until you decide to come in again. You got two Wal-Mart safety deposit boxes stuffed, going to need a third one soon. You might aswell just take it all, dump it on a bank counter and tell them to put it into an account. I bet at least you'd get a laugh out of it." Andy stopped and for a second, he wanted to grin at that idea.

Miracle grabbed the cash and his keys and stood up. "Lets go home then." He nodded for Andy to follow as he walked out of the dressing room and out the back door, into the alley. He sighed and headed towards the back parking lot. "Oh crap." He stopped at the corner of the alley.

"What?" Andy stopped.

"I forgot my shoes." Miracle lifted a leg and yanked one of the boots off. "These are bitches to wear." He then took the other boot off and stood barefoot on the ground.

"You're going to cut your feet up!" Andy said. "There's probably glass around here."

"Blah, I don't care if I do." Miracle looked around. "Any homeless people want some shoes?!" He shouted and threw them down and walked off and through the parking lot until he reached Andy's truck and then he stepped up and climbed into the bed of it.

"That's how you're riding?" Andy said.

"Yeah, when we get out to the desert...I want to see the stars..." Miracle laid down.

"I'd rather you not." Andy sighed and walked off to get in so that they could get home, happy that they hadn't run into any incidents this time.

Miracle kneeled down and pulled one of his safety deposit boxes out from under the bed and unlocked it with the key and opened it, smashing the new wad of cash inside before forcing the door shut and locking it back. "Damn, I need a new one." He pushed it back under the bed and then hid the key under the dresser and climbed onto the bed and laid down on his stomach.

Andy stared at Miracle, his eyes washing over him from top to bottom as he still wore that outfit from his performance. He lightly bit his bottom lip and walked closer and sat down. "Miracle, we've been together...for quite a while. Um...but I...don't exactly know what it means. I mean...we've been places together, yet we have never kissed...but we live together, yet the closest to intimacy we have ever had was simply sharing a bed. The most you've ever let me do...was to hold you."

Miracle listened to Andy and yet he didn't move, not at first. After several moments, he pushed himself up with a hand and turned to look at Andy. "It's because...even to this night, I still can't picture myself...with anyone else. It's not that I haven't let go." He sat up. "It's just that...I haven't figured out how to make and process that new picture yet."

"I just want to see you happy. I know someone has gotten the chance to see that gift before...and I've just wondered what it looked like."

Miracle smiled briefly. "Even if I were, I doubt it would look exactly the same."

"Might look better." Andy smiled.

"Maybe." Miracle fell back on the bed and sighed. "Oh god, do we have any champagne? Or like...anything? You know...I like to feel just...above." Miracle's eyes brightened and he smiled. "Like we talked about...being above..."

"Being above?" Andy asked, confused.

"Oh...uh...just something that I said and...it was kind of a deja-vu." He shook his head.

Andy nodded. "Okay, well, I'll be right back." He got up and walked out of the room.

Miracle frowned and then he heard the phone ring. "Oh god...progress report? In the middle of the night? Who can't sleep?" The phone rang again and he grabbed it. "Hello?"

"Hi! We're just randomly calling people! How are you?!"

Miracle listened, it sounded like two teenage girls. He fell back and laughed. "Robots...."

"That's great! So what are you into?!"

Miracle kept laughing. "Okay, who ever sent this..." He hung up and threw the phone across the bed.

Andy walked in and laid the glass of champagne on the night stand. "What's going on?"

"Someone made robot pranks call me." Miracle rolled over and grabbed his bottle of Klonopin and Xanax and dropped one of each into his drink and then sat the bottles aside and grabbed the glass and took a sip.

Andy frowned, wanting to speak up when Miracle was doing that but he choked back his words and looked away. "So robots, huh?"

"Yeah, you know, the ones that sound like real people? They used to really trick me...but they get easier to catch." Miracle nodded and took another sip of his drink.

Andy fell back on the bed.

"I wish I could find out who did it." Miracle finished off his drink, downing it and rolled onto his back.

"Who would do something like that?" Andy asked.

"I have no idea..." Miracle looked up at the ceiling. "Andy? Do you want me?"

Andy's eyes sparked with alertness. "What? Well...you know I do." He sat up and looked at Miracle. "Not like this though."

"Why not?" Miracle asked. "Like...you could do anything...and I could just see, it would be like I just had eyes..."

"So...you don't mean it? You still...don't want to be touched?"

Miracle closed his eyes. "I just mean...it would be easy." He reached over and grabbed Andy's arm and then looked up at him.

Andy shook his head. "I won't...not until it's right."

"I want to open up, I have to start a new life...more than these shambles..." Miracle closed his eyes and laid his champagne glass down and pushed his face into the bed to hide the fact that he wanted to cry so bad.

Andy could hear it though, and he could see it, the way Miracle's body shook, the small gasps that were drawn in as he cried himself right on into sleep.

Miracle yawned as he walked out of the bed room and ran his fingers through short cropped blonde hair and he looked at Andy who had breakfast made. "God, I passed out like this? I smudged eyeliner everywhere...I look like trailer trash." He stopped at the entrance to the kitchen and looked around. "Well, we live in a doublewide, if the shoe fits, I guess.."

Andy laughed and looked at Miracle. "That is hilarious. See, at least I can love some of your neurosis."

"Hey, I told you, it had comical perks." He walked into the kitchen and looked at the food. "I don't even know if I can eat." He fell down into a chair at the table.

"Well, how many of those pills did you have last night? Probably messed your stomach up, as if alcohol doesn't do that on it's own."

"Just two before the show...from a co-worker...and then what I had here..." Miracle shrugged. "I think it's just hang over..." He looked at the plate Andy sat before him and poked at the eggs with his fork. "It looks good, don't get me wrong, any other day..."

"Hey...you can always eat it later." Andy smiled. "My feelings won't be hurt."

"So...can you stay home, from work? I want to talk. I do remember wanting to fix my life last night..." Miracle looked up.

"Boss won't like it...but I can fake a sick day." Andy sat across from Miracle. "So, I guess, maybe I can help guide you. Get the right questions asked and answered..."

"Well, I guess the first one is where. I know I dragged you away from Colorado, all the way out here to Vegas." He looked at Andy. "Just hoping I'd get the job that I got, without that, Vegas has no attraction to me. If you're not going to be trashy in it...why be in it?"

Andy grinned. "It's got that reputation, huh? Quickie weddings, gambling, drugs...you name it." He took a deep breath. "So you lived everywhere you lived because someone wanted you to. We know why you picked here. Where would you pick as a real and better start over place?"

"That's quite a question, since I've done a bit of it all. Country, city, small town..." Miracle thought about it. "And none of it had anything special, location wise." Miracle pulled his fork away from his eggs. "I want to rule out anywhere that someone knows me, especially any guys. Just..old patterns would start, I know it."

"That crosses off a few states." Andy said.

"Alaska..." Miracle grinned.

"Seriously? Alaska? You...and Alaska?" Andy started to grin.

"Well hey, if we pick a city right at the country line and we commit a crime, we can flee the country real fast." Miracle joked and then shook his head. "No, me and Alaska is like ice and fire."

Andy took a sip of his drink. "Anywhere else interest you?"

"Part of me wouldn't mind going back to Australia, to be honest. Now that I have no ties to anyone."

"What about your parents?" Andy asked.

Miracle shook his head. "Not like I ever see them anyway, they aren't even together. Craig and my mom were an awesome couple until my dad came back, now Craig doesn't belong in the picture, it should be the three of us, like it was when I was little."

"Talk about going through it late, the childhood difficult divorce phenomena." Andy said.

"Well, I've had to go through quite a bit late. Call me a late bloomer in life..." Miracle shook his head.

"Okay, so Australia, why?" Andy asked.

"I had a friend there. One that I actually didn't have a horrible history with, I can think of that time as...not being to traumatic." Miracle finally took a bite of the eggs.

"That's going to be an expensive move...you know that..." Andy started.

"My parents will pay for it." Miracle interrupted.

"Again...co-dependency much? Miracle, that entirely goes against your plan. You're not supposed to be asking your parents for stuff." Andy rubbed his forehead. "Okay, I know, some adults have circumstances, but you're supposed to be trying to avoid that like avoiding hell."

"Okay, so me quitting my job and letting you pay for everything isn't co-dependency?" Miracle dropped his fork and crossed his arms.

"I'm not a parental figure to you." Andy said. "Plus that's a crappy job!"

"How do you know you're not parental to me?" Miracle asked.

"Because, your doctor explained to me...in depth, how that attachment of yours works. I don't think you feel anything like that about me. You've done nothing but avoid attachment for the last four years, just taking what little bit you need, like someone to share a bed with. Then getting that job for the attention, yet it's so superficial that you couldn't possibly attach to anyone."

Miracle tilted his head to the side and then nodded and looked away. "Fine, so you know all. Okay, so I'm not supposed to ask my parents for stuff because it's, what? A regressive behavior? Like, I might as well be asking for toys?"

"Good metaphor..." Andy nodded.

"Okay, maybe we shouldn't do a move at all? You got a stable job, we got a place, maybe relocating isn't the point. The whole city isn't trashy..." Miracle shrugged. "Moving on..."

"Okay, classes, you need classes if you want to get a decent job. There's got to be something you're interested in. Don't do that...I'm good for nothing act."

"It's funny, I remember clear as day when I told Brad I didn't think I had potential for anything." Miracle grinned and shook his head. "I guess I could be a pharmacist, I always thought it was kind of cool how Melanie could go into her Dad's and write her own prescriptions." He laughed.

Andy shook his head. "Okay, no pharmacist, if all you want to do is write yourself prescriptions. Besides, the pharmacist doing it is more likely to get caught than someone else doing it. So you want to end up in prison?"

"No." Miracle sighed and shook his head. "Okay, I'll try to be more serious."

"You should be. Life isn't a joke Miracle. I would think you of all people would get that, do you look at your life and get a laugh at it?"

"I used to laugh at my bad grades, particularly my F's." Miracle said. "But no...I don't look at my life and laugh at it."

"Okay, so then think. What would you want to do for a living, something decent."

"Well, I did that at home job for a while, the one that you got me into when we lived together that year in Colorado." Miracle said.

"That crisis hotline, yeah, you were really good at that. You actually seemed to enjoy it. I remember some of those times, you cheered the person up and ended up turning it into a chat line until they checked your talk time and you'd get cut off."

"Yeah and I got fired for doing that..." Miracle sighed.

"So what about it? Psychology." Andy suggested.

Miracle looked up. "Seriously? I see my own psychologist, I take meds just to keep me relatively decent. A psychologist is a whole different level compared to a phone line."

"School counselor?" Andy suggested more.

"That reminds me of Rachel!" Miracle's eyes widened. "And oh my god...I'd feel old! Besides, remember what my doctor said? School would be a breeding ground for me, trouble, trouble, trouble." He shook his finger at Andy.

"Right, bad idea." Andy nodded. "Okay, well...think."

"I want to be one of those people that sells song lyrics." Miracle said. "I mean I make rhymes a lot..."

"Yeah, but what if they don't make it sound like you want it to sound?" Andy asked. "Would it make you mad?"

"Maybe." Miracle said, thoughtfully. "If it sounded horrible."

"Besides, a job like that doesn't put you out in the world, it's solitary, it'd allow you to stay hidden for the most part, it'd be just as easy as what you do now, going and dancing a time or two for a few hundred dollars."

"Maybe you should go to work. I think this is a question that...I'll have to reflect on." Miracle said.

Andy nodded. "Okay." He stood up and grabbed his keys off the island. "There is one thing and...I guess we can slide on the matter...you know that your parents sold your..uh...diamond car."

"Yeah, it was part of the doctors orders. Be grown up and let go of my shiny new toy." Miracle grinned. "Would of looked nice in that small Colorado town."

"Well, the money was put into an inheritence for you. I never told you about it, if something ever happens to one of your parents, the money goes to the other and then if something happens to both, it goes to you. Erica...kept some of it and...shes been waiting on an answer."

"About what?" Miracle looked up.

"Using what she kept out to get you another car. She didn't mention this to me until recently because of what the doctor said about your independence. Thing is...she really thinks a car would be a necessity and...I do too. It's your call, mind you, it would be a normal car." Andy said.

Miracle nodded. "Yeah, I guess I would need one, I mean being almost agoraphobic...or rather selectively agoraphobic hasn't made it an issue but...if I'm going to be breaking out..."

"Okay, I'll tell her to send it and, I'll have her wire it, and...we can go car shopping. You will get to choose still, and it's enough for a nice, still normal, car."

Miracle nodded and smiled. "Okay, well, enjoy work, if you do, I used to say, who would?"

Andy grinned and shook his head, walking out of the kitchen and out the front door.

Miracle found himself standing at the window of The Empire State Building, looking over all the lights, wondering what he was doing there. He then heard the elevator chime and turned around just in time to see Jaemin stepping out.

Jaemin grinned. "Just go with it."

Miracle's eyes opened and he suddenly sat up and looked around, seeing he was in the bedroom of their trailer. He looked down and saw Andy asleep beside him, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the temperature of his body running high and the sweat lightly forming. He threw the covers off and got up from the bed.

"Miracle?" Andy shifted to the side and then pushed himself up onto his elbow. "Are you okay?"

Miracle shook his head. "No..." He paced the room. "I'm not okay...I had a dream." He walked over and opened the drawer and grabbed his bottle of klonopin and xanax and walked to the chest of drawers and sat them down beside the empty champagne glass from the previous night. "I need a drink..."

"Miracle, it'll make you sick." Andy turned on the lamp. "What was it about?"

"I'm hot...the room is hot." He turned around. "I was in The Empire State Building...and Jaemin came to me. He said maybe the dead can visit dreams, maybe they can, maybe not. There isn't any proof."

"Oh my god." Andy tilted his head to the side. "That is the worst thing that could of happened. Do you really think it was him?"

"I don't know!" Miracle sat on the bed and took a deep breath. "I guess I just had it on my mind, what would he tell me to do...and then he said be the school counselor...find the answers to where you left the questions." He shook his head.

"Then that's it, you wanted an answer from him, so you dreamed it up. He's not haunting you." Andy leaned over and rubbed Miracle's shoulder.

"Even if it really was him, I wouldn't call it haunting." Miracle laid back in Andy's arms, breathing heavily. "He also said...I had a great guy...and I deny you...along with my whole new beginning that I have."

"Miracle, you will be ready when you're ready." Andy held him close.

"The idea of it..." Miracle trailed off and then closed his eyes.