I've been having quite a few problems with regard to doing the right thing lately and more often than not they have turned out to be the wrong thing.

The thing I am concerned about today is my job

Being a lawyer you would think i'd be cool headed and analytical... well I am when I'm behind the desk or in the courtroom. I am far better sorting out the lives of strangers then I am with my own and those close to me.

I think it says a lot that I am the most disorganised person EVER and my home is cluttered every surface has SOMETHING on it and even the floor is usuall scattered with toys, cards (like Pokemon and Yugioh), stacks of boxes etc. Everything is very 'untogether' and there is 'stuff' everywhere... paintings, dolls, candles, art, supplies, crystals... yu get the ides.

HOWEVER, in work my desk is totally neat and organised. I get antsy if there is a paperclip on the floor or in the wrong place in the drawer. All my files are neat and rigidly arranged and I HATE it when anyone puts the papers in out of order.

They say that your space reflects your mind and i think that's true. I don't know which way round it works. Is my work desk neater because I am more focussed in work or am I more focussed in work becaue my workspace is neater. Hmm

However, I digress.

No matter how cool headed, calm and controlled in work the absolute opposite is true in my personal life and I get myself into all sorts of scrapes because I am hot headed, impulsive, passionate and tend to rush into things without thinking them through or looking at them clearly at all.

Add to that the fact that I am always striving to do the right thing, usually what's right for someone else rather than me, and that I am far too ready, even eager to accept responsibility that really aren't mine to take and I'm a bloody mess.

So I lost my job. What was the big issue? That I missed having a job... not really it's been great to be at home. That I had to go on state benefits... well that was a pain in the arse but I got there in the end and they've pretty much left me alone in the end. That i would lose my house... so what, I'm trying to sell it anyway and the only difference would be that we wouldn't get to Harry Potter World... also I know I won't starve or be out on the streets because I have too many friends... and have found ebay.

So what was the real issue about not having a job?

Reason One Efan.

He doesn't really care that he can't have what he's used to having and Harry Potter World was never really anything more than a dream

BUT.. I DO CARE.

I don't want to see disappointment on the face of my son. I don't want him to put on more weight because I can't afford all the fruit. I don't want to send him to school in old or bad quality clothes. I don't want him to be worried or upset or deprived of anything. I don't want things to change for him

Reason Two

Lori

Lori is having a hard time making ends meet. She has a new flat a new job and few relationship problem. i have been helping her out financially and the thought that I couldn't is unbearable. I need to be her safety net YES she's an adult and should be able to stand on her own feet but I didn't have a mother I could rely on for anything so I want to be that mother.

Reason Three

My friends.

Most of my friends live a long way away, even my brother and I hate the thought of not being able to see them because I can't afford to travel. YES I know they could come and see me but why would they bother putting themselves out like that for me? They do but why the hell...?

Reason Four

I like to see Efan in nice clothes. Okay so my wardrobe is half a wardrobe and a chest of drawers while his is three chests of drawers, half a wardrobe and half the bed but he's a kid and he needs to look nice.

Reason Five

I am dependable.

When I had a car all of my family depended on me utterly. i was always running around for one or the other. of course I can't do that now but I do other things. I have other kids here as often as I can... cousins, neices and nephews etc... because Efan is so alone all the time and I physically can't play with him and feel guilty as hell that I spend most of my time in front of a computer screen because it's the only thing that takes my mind off the pain. So i get other kids in whenever possible and I shower them with food... this is a Welsh thing I think... hospitality means that as soon as anyone steps over the threshold you have to stuff them full of food... my mother would have died of shame if anyone had come to her house and she didn't have cake or biscuits.

Okay, so the thread, I think, is clear. None of the reasons is about what I want for myself, not really... they're all about other people.

I have it programmed into me that other people and their needs are more important than mine. I have to take care of my family and friends, i have to make sure they're okay, they're taken care of, they're happy and secure...AND YES I KNOW... but if you're hardwired that way it's hard to break out of.

So here I am.

I have a new job and I am starting on Monday.

It is 16 1/2 hours a week which is half hour more than I was working before. The office is 8 miles closer to home, a little over 6 miles away, and I wil be in charge of my own department.

I guess I must be good at what i do because this is the third time in a row i have been called and asked did I want a job with no interview and basically on my terms.

The issue is that I'm not really well enough to work at all. And I don't want to work because I like not being in pain so much and being able to put a hot water bottle on my back when it hurts. I like having time to do things because I need time to do things. My memory is not good and when I'm ill my coping skills are not good either. I get very emotional and every little thing becomes an insurmountable which I usually throw myself at with little thought trying to just make it go away.

I'm between a rock and a hard place

So... The Right Thing.

Is it always best to do The Right Thing or is it sometimes better to do The Best Thing I can for me, even though it means other people get hurt or disappointed, Is doing the best I can, accepting the inevitable screw ups, and disappointment of others, enough; or should I work harder on not making the screw ups in the first place ( even when they're not my fault like the redundancy, which, ridiculously I do feel is somehow my fault), putting them right at all costs and thinking of others and their needs and feelings before my own.

The problem is that I really can't help myself and it's the getting out of that conditioning that eludes me. Also, if I did break the conditioning and become more selfish and self centred (in the good not the bad sense of the words) would I still be me and if not would I still like myself.

MEH