I probably learned this truth long ago, I have been in finance for five years in different companies and across the spectrum.

In my last job, I had to fire a lot of people, because the business was losing money. It just built up strain for me as the numbers would never align correctly due to poor management decision making.

In my current job, I am preparing a new round of terminations, but unlike my past job, I completely agree with this one, sadly. My current company is profitable and makes a good amount of money with positive cash flow month to month. However, we're expanding by 50% within this year in terms of operations across more profitable areas, i.e. Texas and Illinois. This picture sounds nice, but behind it lies a hidden danger and problem.

About 20% of our profits have to be used to offset operational losses in the state of California, the cost of operating our specialty health care services in California is staggeringly higher than Massachusetts and even Texas. The net margins just are not available and we have cut the other expenses down to the bare minimum. The tragic truth is despite being a profitable business on a whole, we can't keep up our expansion project with a cash sink in California.

I met a few of the California employees, including a gay office manager, who I just cut his last check for today. He doesn't know that he will be fired on Monday.

Why don't I feel more compassion or even sympathy?

I know what the numbers say, because I analyzed those numbers myself and I know that without this new round of expansion we cannot keep the ongoing long term contract based on goals with one of our newest clients, who provide a 7% increase in revenue to date and is projected to push 30% increase by years end. That's millions of dollars and over a hundred of new jobs.

I can imagine that office manager and others asking themselves, "why is this happening to me?"

I don't know why I can't feel sympathy for what is about to happen, but when I look at the big rows of numbers, I see a new set of employees being interviewed for positions in Houston and Chicago. Does that make things better? If the big picture of things is that I am helping to get more people employed in total versus terminations, does that release me from guilt?

My conscience is silent, but my mind is racing with the fear that I have become empty, not merely apathetic as I can still feel, but there is no feeling towards this coming event.

That's my thoughts right now