I know it’s a little before the new year, but considering recent events, it seems fitting to reflect on the events of the past year. It has been quite a rough year for my family and I will be so glad when 2013 is behind me and I hope for a much better 2014.

There have been major gaps in posting this year and there have seriously been times that I had considered giving up on writing as I wasn’t in the frame of mind where I could compose a story. There have been times where I wanted to go find a cave far away and hide away from the world. There’s been times this year that I’ve seriously wondered what’s the point. A bit over dramatic maybe, but it’s the way I’ve felt as it seems like this year has just been one blow after another. Every time good news came, right on the heels of the good news, was something waiting in the wings.

I posted updates in my blog earlier in the year talking about my brother and his diagnosis of Stage IV Leukemia. It was an extremely scary time as we waited for news after he was first diagnosed with the big C in December of 2012. It was difficult to be so far away from him while he was going through all the tests to determine what needed to be done. It was a relief to receive the news that it was treatable though there was still no guarantee that the treatments would work. Hearing that it was already stage IV was terrifying. That was the first six months of the year though at the end of June we finally got the news we had been waiting on that the cancer was in remission. With that news, we should have been celebrating, and we were, to a point, however, there was more going on.

In the middle of the fear about my brother, I had my own health scare when my blood sugar dropped dangerously low. I passed out and from what the doctors said, I was extremely lucky not to end up in a coma. Had my husband not been home and acted as quickly as he did, that was likely what my outcome would have been. Anything under 40 can send a person into a coma and my levels when the paramedics arrived was 35. Who knows for how long, but luckily it didn’t come to that. I spent the following months feeling like I was under a microscope as my family was constantly checking in on me, watching what I ate, worried if I was taking too long to do something, etc. It was scary, but I was even handling that okay, for the most part. After almost three months of being under intense scrutiny and receiving the great news about my brother, I finally was beginning to feel like I had my life back. Spent the 4^th of July at Mt. Rushmore and even spent a few days visiting my brother, something that I had decided I would do much more often. Came home and started to prepare for our big family camping trip.

Just days before we left for camping, the next bad news of the year from hell decided to grace us with its presence. My Grandmother had been diagnosed with Cancer. Problem was, they weren’t 100% sure exactly where it was and were going to do exploratory surgery and remove any cancer tissue they could. Grandma underwent surgery and they assured us that they were sure they had gotten the majority of the cancer tissue and said it was Ovarian Cancer. They said that there were likely some microscopic cells left but that they would be taken care of with Chemo or Radiation, I can’t remember which. However, Grandma wasn’t strong enough to undergo the treatment and it would likely take upwards of three weeks or so before they could begin. By the end of July, Grandma was in a rehabilitation center and was thought to be doing okay. Then suddenly, she started going downhill again. She had an infection and needed another surgery; however, there was only a slight chance that she would make it out of surgery. She elected to have the surgery and she made it through. The infection came back and on August 26^th my Grandmother lost her fight.

Just days after the news of Grandma’s cancer, the year from hell dealt me yet another blow. On my birthday, while camping with my family and amidst the worry about Grandma, I had what the doctors are fairly certain was a Partial Complex Seizure. I have a history of seizures, but this one was a new one. In the past it was always Grand Mal or Petit Mal seizures though I had been seizure free for nearly 13 years and had finally began to think I was in the clear. Once again I scared the crap out of my husband and was once again under the watchful eye of my family. I was limited in what I was allowed to do. I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t do certain things unless there was somebody watching me. It’s got old really fast, but I was still here, which was something. I was put back on medications which had the added benefit of helping to prevent my migraines which up until this point had become extremely frequent.

So, here’s where the year from hell ends, right? Oh, don’t I wish!

On August 16^th, just ten days prior to my grandmother passing away, my husband’s grandmother died. She had a few health issues and her death wasn’t entirely unexpected but it was still to the family as we needed to be there for my husband’s dad.

Now to the reason for this blog entry and the reason for my reflections on the past year and why I am calling 2013 the year from hell. The year was finally almost over and I was finally thinking I’d get through the rest of the year without anything else happening, but it wasn’t to be.

Over the past many years, my Grandfather has been in failing health. I have kept this news fairly close to my heart and for the most part have not shared what has been going on with my Grandpa. Grandpa has been on oxygen for years and has had health issues on top of health issues. Not too long ago he had to have surgery for a hernia and they weren’t sure he’d make it out of surgery, but he did. About a month ago, I found out that my Grandma was signing Grandpa up for Hospice care. The news was just one more sign that Grandpa wasn’t doing well and was perhaps getting ready to give up the fight he has fought for many years after having fallen off his horse and hitting his head on a rock. No one knows what happened for sure on the day he was first injured as Grandpa was an experienced horseman and I’d never seen him simply “fall” off a horse. Anyways, I digress.

On December 21^st, I received the phone call that I had been dreading. Just 4 days before Christmas my Grandfather, the one who I’d spent my childhood riding horses with, fishing with, shearing sheep with, had passed away. At first I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t do anything. I was frozen. I hung up the phone, stood up, and went upstairs and crawled in bed. I couldn’t even answer my husband when he asked me what was wrong. It was Christmas time, it was supposed to be a happy time. I finally curled up in bed and cried as I told my husband what had happened and he tried to console me. I knew that it was a relief as Grandpa was no longer in pain, but knowing that and actually accepting it were two different things. I’ve spent many days in a haze since hearing the news, and spent I don’t know how much time staring at the present wrapped under the Christmas tree with Grandpa’s name on it. A coffee mug, his gift from me for the past 10+ years and while it may not seem like much, it was a special thing between us. I got him a new one every year and the only mugs he used were the ones I got him, unless they broke. Only then would he use a different one.

I’ve spent hours going over my memories of him. Ice fishing, helping him to break horses (or at least one horse in particular), sitting on the fence while he shoed horses, holding a sheeps head while he sheared them (I’m sure I was more a hindrance than a help). I remember days spent horseback riding up onto the mountain just to have a picnic at what we called “upper camp”. So many things to remember. The funeral was today, well, yesterday by now and hearing some of other people’s stories and seeing my Grandpa for the last time, seeing how much he was loved by so many people. He was 86 when he died, so he lived a long life, but it’s still hard to fathom that he’s no longer here.

Up until now, I’ve kept my Grandfather’s passing fairly private, only a few people that I talk to on a daily basis were told what is going on. I wanted to wait until after the funeral, but now I figured was a good time to say something because of the reasons I will outline below.

I have PM’s from people over the last month or so that I have yet to answer, I will, I promise. I’m not ignoring you or what you have said to me, even if it may seem that way. I have reviews that I haven’t replied to, I will. If I’ve been short with anyone, I apologize as I didn’t mean to, but I’ve had a really hard time focusing. While I have managed to post chapters of Thwarted mostly every week, this week there will be no new chapter, but there should be next week. Please bear with me as my emotions get back on an even keel.

I don’t have any New Years resolutions. Well, I do, but I really don’t care if I achieve them. I only want two things from 2014. No one to die and no more major health issues for anyone in my family, is that so much to ask?

With only 3 days left of 2013, maybe it’s safe to say that the year from hell is over?