Another Last Post Wins entry. I am no longer queen - I have been usurped To welcome our new monarch, Valkyrie, I wrote the following to help her pass the time as she's recovering from an operation.
[A bunch of hacks are waiting in a palace anteroom for a press briefing to start. They look engaged but not exactly riveted. The door opens and their eyes all swivel, focussing on the individual who enters. The (now ex-) queen walks up to the podium - she is dressed regally but lacks one vital item: the crown. She looks tired and somehow defeated.]
Good morning, all. I have a short statement to make; I will not be taking any questions.
[she looks fixedly at the autocue. The words come out in a monotone and sounding, somehow, as if the speaker is grinding her teeth at the same time. The hacks are sitting back in their seats and writing without fervour.]
In the early hours of this morning, an involuntary transfer of executive authority occured. I was informed of this fact shortly after it happened. In the interests of my, sorry, our country and after consulting my advisors I have decided, reluctantly, not to challenge it. I wish ... I wish my ...
[The ex-queen appears to splutter to a halt. She coughs and tries again. The hacks move forward in their seats and a sense of anticipation spreads ... Suddenly she thrusts the podium aside.]
WTF! Do you seriously expect me stand back and let a penguin, a penguin, take control!
[This sounds as though it could make the hacks' day. They start making calls while scribbling furiously.]
I'd sooner die fighting than let some tuxedo wearing bird from Africa ...
[The ex-queen's knowledge of geography and natural history are not her strongest suits.]
… ruin my country. I mean, it can't even fly! What does that tell you about its abilities to govern effectively?
[she is just getting going properly when a courtier sidles up and turns the mic off. He whispers in her ear, gesticulating as he speaks. The hacks are trying to hang onto every unheard word, wishing they could lip-read. After a couple of minutes, the ex-queen drags the podium back to its place and prepares to resume. The courtier turns the mic back on.]
I wish my successor luck and good fortune in governing our amazing country. Thank you.