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As for bisexuality, there is no biological evidence that some people are turned on equally by both sexes. Physiological studies show that self-declared bisexuals exposed to straight and gay erotica are aroused by either one or the other but not both. Academics suggest that bisexuals may be omnisexuals with libidos so high that the gender of the target doesn't matter.

 

This came from an article about the 2005 book Born Gay, and was shared in a thread in the Tech and Science Geeks club a few days ago. In attempting to prove that being gay is genetic, the authors found it necessary to suggest that bisexuality does not exist. I can understand that. If people are genetically either gay or straight, phenomenons like bisexuality become hard to explain. Easier to just pretend they don’t exist and omit them from the equation so you can more easily prove what you’re trying to prove. Of course, that’s pretty shitty science. As for these ‘physiological studies’, they were clearly not performed on me or anyone I know, and the idea that bisexuals are just sluts with super high libidos who will fuck everything is not only utter bullshit, but deeply harmful in perpetuating stereotypes that we in the bisexual community have been trying really, really hard to get rid of. (Not that there’s anything at all wrong with being a slut who will fuck everything; you do you.)

 

Is my attraction to men and women exactly equal? No, not all the time, and I’m attracted to different things in different genders as well. Women are in general more aestetically pleasing than men, in my opinion. But then I do also really like dick. (Yes, can I have a non-op mtf enby with a side of sexual dominance, please? Thanks!) None of this takes away from the fact that I am in fact attracted to both men and women, and to people who are both or neither. If you were to measure my arousal levels while watching gay, straight, lesbian, and transgender porn, assuming it’s good porn you’d get a pretty strong physiological response from all of it. 

 

Anyway, this isn’t really the point of this blogpost. I wrote a post five years ago on biphobia, monosexism, and pansexuality. The point is erasure. The point is that there are people, probably even people on this site, who don’t believe that I exist. I mean, that I, Thorn Wilde, writer and wacky weirdo, exist is indesputable (or is it? Maybe I’m a robot from the future). But my identity, the person I claim to be, is not real, according to some. I guess I’m either lying or crazy.

 

fandomsandfeminism-follow-fake-bisexuals

I carry two labels that experience a great degree of erasure. I’m bisexual (or pansexual, in my case these are one and the same), and I’m gender non-binary or genderqueer, which falls under the T in LGBT. I currently consider myself to be trans masculine. I wrote about this not too long ago, too. The more I try to embrace these parts of myself, the more I feel like people try to erase me. I wish I could say that it was all straight people, but as evidenced by the beginning of this post, this is not the case. Both gay and straight people often do not want to acknowledge the existence of bisexuality. We’re just undecided and haven’t picked a team yet, or we are, as previously mentioned, sluts who fuck indiscriminately. Not saying some of us aren’t, just saying #NotAllBisexuals.

 

As for being non-binary, it gets even more complicated. You’ve got your angry TERF lesbians saying that being butch or dressing like a man doesn’t make you not a woman (which is perfectly true, but they’ve missed the point), you’ve got the general population largely ignoring actual scientific proof by saying, ‘Only two genders!’, which is demonstrably false, and you’ve even got some trans people who feel that the rejection of gender as binary erases their gender identities (which it doesn’t; saying that gender isn’t binary isn’t the same as saying that the categories man and woman don’t exist).

 

someone-theres-more-than-two-genders-doc

 

The more visible I become, the harder it gets. A few days ago I had some asshat on facebook tell me that nothing about me was masculine and that if I wanted to be a man I should act like a man. (I told him that if acting like a man meant being a reactionary fuckwad, I didn’t know a lot of men.) And even though I don’t require other people’s validation of my gender, it still hurts. Just like it hurt when people I thought were my friends said I only said I was genderqueer because I wanted attention. I wish I could say this shit is just annoying and doesn’t get to me, that I could just shake it off and move on, but the reality is that it’s painful. And it makes you question everything. Am I really non-binary? Is it really a thing? Am I actually trans? I don’t want to transition medically. Does that mean I’m just pretending? Am I allowed to think of myself as trans even though I’m genderfluid? Am I really bi? I’ve only ever had one girlfriend and I’ve only had sex with, like, two or three girls depending on your definition of sex, vs. four long term boyfriends and a handful of fuck-buddies and one-night-stands. Am I making this up? Am I a fraud? An impostor? And I can’t even tell my emotional brain and my rational brain apart here, because all this is new territory.

 

There are a couple of things I do know: I know that I loved my ex-girlfriend and I’ve loved all my boyfriends, and I totally dug having sex with all of them. And I know that wearing my binder and men’s clothes and going out feeling like there are people who won’t look at me and immediately think ‘girl!’ feels amazing. And I know that being called ‘he’ makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself. These are my truths, and they’ll remain true no matter how much the world tries to erase me.

 

 

Edited to add:

 

There’s one more thing I feel like I ought to say as well. I wrote this post using my own lived experiences, but this isn’t really about me. It’s easy to say fuck those guys and they don’t matter; they don’t, not to my life. But there’s a bigger, wider problem here. A bigger picture. These attitudes are a problem. I’m thirty, and this shit upsets me like this. Imagine how it affects someone younger and more vulnerable, someone in their teens struggling to understand their own identity. Imagine how much it hurts to essentially be told that what they feel isn’t real. It eats away at the insecurities that are already there. 

 

I probably seem like I’m whining by harping on about this stuff, but as much as I feel these things myself, it’s not about me. I think these are conversations we need to be having, especially when it comes to bisexual and trans erasure within our own community, because that’s where it’s at its most destructive. We need to be aware and pay attention and comment when we see it rather than just letting it pass because we think, who cares what those assholes say? That’s why I keep writing about this. Not for sympathy or support (though I appreciate all of you deeply for giving me that as well), but because it’s a real problem, and it’s harmful

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Well, i don't care what other people think, to me you're a real person. i talk to you daily and i don't care who you sleep with, kiss, or hug. It doesn't matter to me if you wear 'girls' clothes or 'men's' today and change your mind tomorrow. Wear your binder and chosen clothes as you feel because no matter what you decide to do with your outsides, you are still you.

 

Some people didn't like when i said i'm a submissive, gay man. Lots of people just embraced me.  Some didn't. That is too bad for them. They can erase me from their lives ... but that doesn't erase me.

 

You cannot be erased unless you allow it. i don't allow it.  i am me ... and you are my friend, Thorn.  That's all. And that is wonderful.  xo

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10 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

Well, i don't care what other people think, to me you're a real person. i talk to you daily and i don't care who you sleep with, kiss, or hug. It doesn't matter to me if you wear 'girls' clothes or 'men's' today and change your mind tomorrow. Wear your binder and chosen clothes as you feel because no matter what you decide to do with your outsides, you are still you.

 

Some people didn't like when i said i'm a submissive, gay man. Lots of people just embraced me.  Some didn't. That is too bad for them. They can erase me from their lives ... but that doesn't erase me.

 

You cannot be erased unless you allow it. i don't allow it.  i am me ... and you are my friend, Thorn.  That's all. And that is wonderful.  xo

Thank you, tim, for being your wonderful self! :hug: 

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When will the terms "gay" and "straight" and by extension "bi", "trans" and the rest become obsolete?  I hope that I live to see the day! 

 

Bottom line, You are Thorn, not anything else.  Whom you choose to include in your sex life is no one's business but yours and your partners, provided you protect both yourself and your lover from all the nasty diseases out there. How you dress on any given day is also no ones business but yours.  Jeans and flannels today? Cool! Silk skirt tomorrow? Go for it!

 

The people who try to "erase your identity" are not worth the space to write their names down.  What is important is family and friends.  We love you just the way you are!

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10 minutes ago, Kitt said:

When will the terms "gay" and "straight" and by extension "bi", "trans" and the rest become obsolete?  I hope that I live to see the day! 

 

Bottom line, You are Thorn, not anything else.  Whom you choose to include in your sex life is no one's business but yours and your partners, provided you protect both yourself and your lover from all the nasty diseases out there. How you dress on any given day is also no ones business but yours.  Jeans and flannels today? Cool! Silk skirt tomorrow? Go for it!

 

The people who try to "erase your identity" are not worth the space to write their names down.  What is important is family and friends.  We love you just the way you are!

:heart: I love you too! :heart: 

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You are who you are and no explanation should necessary or required by others. As far as I'm concerned I only need to know one thing, are you a decent person? If you are then I have time for you and open to being friends, nothing else matters or comes into it. That's the way that I was brought up and that's the way I will remain.

Anyone who makes you feel that you have to explain yourself isn't worth bothering about. 

Edited by Mancunian
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You are indelible,

permanent,

written on the face of the earth

in bright multicolored ink;

I am humbled

and grateful 

for your voice. 

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25 minutes ago, Mancunian said:

You are who you are and no explanation should necessary or required by others. As far as I'm concerned I only need to know one thing, are you a decent person? If you are then I have time for you and open to being friends, nothing else matters or comes into it. That's the way that I was brought up and that's the way I will remain.

Anyone who makes you feel that you have to explain yourself isn't worth bothering about. 

Thank you. And I would love to call you friend. 

 

11 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

You are indelible,

permanent,

written on the face of the earth

in bright multicolored ink;

I am humbled

and grateful 

for your voice. 

Parker, that’s beautiful. Thank you! :heart: 

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I have to admit that I'm not a fan of labels.

There was a cult 17 episode series that aired on British TV back in the 1960's called The Prisoner in which the unnamed protagonist (known only as Number 6) exclaims:  ""I am not a Number! I am a free man! I will not be filed, stamped, briefed, debriefed or numbered!"

You are who you are, Thorn. Embrace yourself. 😊

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8 minutes ago, Marty said:

I have to admit that I'm not a fan of labels.

There was a cult 17 episode series that aired on British TV back in the 1960's called The Prisoner in which the unnamed protagonist (known only as Number 6) exclaims:  ""I am not a Number! I am a free man! I will not be filed, stamped, briefed, debriefed or numbered!"

You are who you are, Thorn. Embrace yourself. 😊

Thank you. I’m aware of that series, and I know what you mean about labels. That said, I think categorising people is natural to humans. We make sense of the world that way. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try not to do that, but it makes it difficult. Perhaps a step on the way might be to accept the labels people put on themselves rather that lumping them into our own categories with our own labels. Give people the right to identify themselves. Would be nice to live in a world where none of it matters, but we don’t live in that world yet.

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1 minute ago, Thorn Wilde said:

Thank you. I’m aware of that series, and I know what you mean about labels. That said, I think categorising people is natural to humans. We make sense of the world that way. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try not to do that, but it makes it difficult. Perhaps a step on the way might be to accept the labels people put on themselves rather that lumping them into our own categories with our own labels. Give people the right to identify themselves. Would be nice to live in a world where none of it matters, but we don’t live in that world yet.

Yes, that's what I really meant when I said that I'm not a fan of labels: I don't like labelling other people. I'm happy enough to accept the labels that others may put on themselves, but I don't think I have any right to put labels on them myself. And labels are only that: labels. I could label myself as a gay man, but that label would only describe a part of me. An important part, definitely, but not the whole me. And the whole is always so much more than the sum of the parts.

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There’s one more thing I feel like I ought to say as well. I wrote this post using my own lived experiences, but this isn’t really about me. It’s easy to say fuck those guys and they don’t matter; they don’t, not to my life. But there’s a bigger, wider problem here. A bigger picture. These attitudes are a problem. I’m thirty, and this shit upsets me like this. Imagine how it affects someone younger and more vulnerable, someone in their teens struggling to understand their own identity. Imagine how much it hurts to essentially be told that what they feel isn’t real. It eats away at the insecurities that are already there. 

 

I probably seem like I’m whining by harping on about this stuff, but as much as I feel these things myself, it’s not about me. I think these are conversations we need to be having, especially when it comes to bisexual and trans erasure within our own community, because that’s where it’s at its most destructive. We need to be aware and pay attention and comment when we see it rather than just letting it pass because we think, who cares what those assholes say? That’s why I keep writing about this. Not for sympathy or support (though I appreciate all of you deeply for giving me that as well), but because it’s a real problem, and it’s harmful

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10 minutes ago, Thorn Wilde said:

There’s one more thing I feel like I ought to say as well. I wrote this post using my own lived experiences, but this isn’t really about me. It’s easy to say fuck those guys and they don’t matter; they don’t, not to my life. But there’s a bigger, wider problem here. A bigger picture. These attitudes are a problem. I’m thirty, and this shit upsets me like this. Imagine how it affects someone younger and more vulnerable, someone in their teens struggling to understand their own identity. Imagine how much it hurts to essentially be told that what they feel isn’t real. It eats away at the insecurities that are already there. 

 

I probably seem like I’m whining by harping on about this stuff, but as much as I feel these things myself, it’s not about me. I think these are conversations we need to be having, especially when it comes to bisexual and trans erasure within our own community, because that’s where it’s at its most destructive. We need to be aware and pay attention and comment when we see it rather than just letting it pass because we think, who cares what those assholes say? That’s why I keep writing about this. Not for sympathy or support (though I appreciate all of you deeply for giving me that as well), but because it’s a real problem, and it’s harmful

 

Everyone has a right to have their say and be heard, when most in our communities fail to hear or ignore the youth in our communities then it is up to others to speak up and speak out for them. You're not whining, you are speaking up and speaking out for everyone who is ignored so please do not apologise, it is up to those who choose to ignore to apologise. You are doing the right thing.

Edited by Mancunian
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24 minutes ago, Mancunian said:

 

Everyone has a right to have their say and be heard, when most in our communities fail to hear or ignore the youth in our communities then it is up to others to speak up and speak out for them. You're not whining, you are speaking up and speaking out for everyone who is ignored so please do not apologise, it is up to those who choose to ignore to apologise. You are doing the right thing.

Thank you. I appreciate that, and I’m glad you see it that way. :) 

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4 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

It is easy to say, screw you. And it's important to repeat yourself here, Thorn, but more important in the wider community. I've started to visit a local gathering for LGBQT youth near my work place. I have lunch there sometimes, talk to the kids. As an ex-cop I know the value of community policing, well it works unofficially also. We talk about sex, gender, feelings, some know what I do for a living now, so some want to discuss fetishes and a lot of other things. I'm hoping we can expand and get others in to talk to the kids. It's an open and accepting place. If you have local community groups you can talk to...I recommend it. 

That’s really great, Mike. I’m so glad those kids have you. I do have a very supportive community here, I know a lot of other trans and non-binary/genderqueer people, and my friends are amazing (I mean, half of them are queer in one way or another as well). There’s a wonderful youth group here in Oslo called Skeiv ungdom (translates to Queer Youth) and I know a lot of the people involved there. They talk a lot about genderqueerness, bi- and pansexuality, asexuality, and other things under the LGBTQ umbrella that many people don’t think or know about. I performed (and did sound) at a party they had during Pride last summer. It’s a wonderful community for young people. Really wish I’d known about them when I was in my teens, I’m too old to hang out there now.

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Since arriving on this site a few months ago, I've encountered lifestyles that are new to me and gender issues I don't understand.  That doesn't make them any less meritorious or real.  As others have said other ways, it's the individual that counts.  Why be normal when you can be yourself?  Thanks for your eloquence, and for being you. 

 

A song of my era by Joe South kept going through my mind as I read your blog: 

 

If I could be you, and you could be me for just one hour
If we could find a way to get inside each other's mind,
If you could see you through my eyes instead of your ego
I believe you'd be surprised to see that you'd been blind,
...
Hey, before you abuse, criticize and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes.

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3 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said:

Since arriving on this site a few months ago, I've encountered lifestyles that are new to me and gender issues I don't understand.  That doesn't make them any less meritorious or real.  As others have said other ways, it's the individual that counts.  Why be normal when you can be yourself?  Thanks for your eloquence, and for being you. 

 

A song of my era by Joe South kept going through my mind as I read your blog: 

 

If I could be you, and you could be me for just one hour
If we could find a way to get inside each other's mind,
If you could see you through my eyes instead of your ego
I believe you'd be surprised to see that you'd been blind,
...
Hey, before you abuse, criticize and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes.

Those are good words. Thank you. :) 

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On 1/20/2019 at 5:10 PM, MichaelS36 said:

It is easy to say, screw you. And it's important to repeat yourself here, Thorn, but more important in the wider community. I've started to visit a local gathering for LGBQT youth near my work place. I have lunch there sometimes, talk to the kids. As an ex-cop I know the value of community policing, well it works unofficially also. We talk about sex, gender, feelings, some know what I do for a living now, so some want to discuss fetishes and a lot of other things. I'm hoping we can expand and get others in to talk to the kids. It's an open and accepting place. If you have local community groups you can talk to...I recommend it. 

 

Growing up in a rural area [mumble] years ago, I can say that just knowing other people like you even exist can be a wonderful thing. And too many fetishes have stigma's attached to them, with too many preconceived ideas of what "roles" one must play in them. It's human nature to put labels on things and tuck them away in neat little boxes. But most of human nature doesn't work like that. Who we are can be a bit blurry around the edges, blend from dominate trait to secondary trait without a clear dividing line. We're all shades of gray, not sharply defined patches of black/white

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On 1/20/2019 at 4:37 AM, Mikiesboy said:

They can erase me from their lives ... but that doesn't erase me.

 

You cannot be erased unless you allow it. i don't allow it.  i am me ... and you are my friend, Thorn.  That's all. And that is wonderful.  xo

2

I don't think I can say this better, so I'll just echo tim.

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1 hour ago, Wayne Gray said:

I don't think I can say this better, so I'll just echo tim.

:hug: Thank you, Wayne. 

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