Have you ever read anything that just totally tore you apart?
I mean something that just took apart your psyche down to the foundation, then rebuilt it from the ground up leaving you naked and confused at how you view yourself, how you view the world, because it touched those old wounds years have buried and shook up the core of your being?
I recently came back to GayAuthors because back in the day, me and another author who by the way is now listed as a 'Classic Author' by the name shadowgod, used to hang out on IRC and talk about life, read each others writing and so forth. I went and reread everything he had written still seeing all those edits on certain paragraphs that I did because he said I had a flair for making things sound right when he couldn't. I've always been critical of my own writing, and Steve always tried to rattle my head because he saw more worth in my writing then I ever could.
Life then, as it always does got in the way and we lost contact and I never wrote again from that point forth. I was too busy wrapped up in family affairs, too busy trying to unravel some of the trauma I suffered in my 20's and I just didn't write.
I'm a data pack rat. I've got everything I ever tried to write on backups and I came across these backups in a moment of loneliness and despair because I had lost a piece of my self in the late 2000's that I needed to get back. And I realize that the person I was living as for the last 10 years wasn't actually me. It was just a version of me that was always cautious, didn't take chances and more importantly just didn't live.
I recently lost a 3 year relationship with someone I really did love because I wasn't me. I couldn't communicate I couldn't aspire to be something better, I just didn't have any real joy. And when he left I wasn't surprised and was partially relieved, and thinking back on that I am ashamed from what I turned into.
The last month I've been reading old stories I hadn't touched in years. I found the stories that gave me strength as a teenager in the late 90's, I found stories that gave me courage in the 2000's during my 20's and my darkness days.
Now to the point of the question at the beginning of this post.
There was one story I had been following for a really long time until life got in the way and I totally forgot it existed until I was going through my written works that I had wrote and sent something to DeweyWriter who at the time was writing "The Power Within" which is part of the "For the Love of Pete" series, what I wrote was titled, "The Power Within - When Angels Weep." When I found this thing I had written I had no idea what it was from, what it was about, and why I had written it. I had to totally go into investigative mode until I found it several hours later.
DeweyWriters website went down somewhere in 2016, thank god the wayback machine exists otherwise most of it would have been totally lost. The nifty archives has most of the completed work but was still missing some chapters.
But I went back and reread all of it, as best I could, even with missing content the wayback machine didn't save.
This is the story that functionally ripped passed all my walls, all my shields. I think part of the reason why was because it was set in the late 90's all the characters are my age, or where my age.
I cannot tell you what the last week has been for me. I simply don't understand it myself. One thing I did do was make me realize I have wasted a lot of time, practically my youth on stuff simply did not matter and for that I am most shamed for.
I feel reconnected with that 16 year old me who was coming to terms with being gay and what it actually meant the year my dad died, and all the mistakes I made those few years after.
I feel reconnected with the 18 year old me who was so lost and tried to end it all.
I feel reconnected with the 25 year old me who wished he was dead, to end the feeling of being trapped because he couldn't shake his abuser, and the abusive relationship that stole everything that made him, who he was and reducing him to an empty complaint shell of what he used to be.
One story blew me apart so I could hopefully rebuild and regain what was lost.
I am trying to write again, to feel again and to love again. Writing was my outlet to express the things I could not say or talk about. And I warn you now my stuff may be a little darker then what most enjoy.
I've got a lot of demons that stalk me in the shadows that need to be dealt with and all of it will be posted here, in the hope that something I write has the same effect on someone that 'For the Love of Pete' had on me, and maybe I can reach at least one person before it's too late to help.
One thing I am glad to see is this community and this website. Just being able to be here and share some of this stuff does help make me feel better.
Don't be afraid to write, don't be afraid to feel, and more importantly don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it the most. That's the best advise I can give, and wish it hadn't taken me this long to realize it.