I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next.

I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this:

Dwayne says:

whats you message about?

Demetz says:

Actually I was just about to e-mail you

Demetz says:

The initial results for my std tests came back, I was non-reactive for HIV

Demetz says:

I get the results for the other tests back on friday

Demetz says:

However, the HIV test only covers up to three months ago

Dwayne says:

nonreactive?

Demetz says:

which as you know, means that the time we were together in september is not covered

Demetz says:

nonreactive: they do a test for the presence of HIV antibodies. If non-reactive, there aren't enough HIV antibodies to show up in the test, of reactive, there are.

Dwayne says:

okay

Dwayne says:

i was always told in a yes or no format

Dwayne says:

b ut if you don't have them now, how could you have had them then?

Demetz says:

Theres a more precise test they can do, that might be the one they gave you]

Demetz says:

what?

Demetz says:

Anyway, as I was saying; I'm not asking this to hurt you, and don't pussyfoot about my feelings here, if you cheated on me between the time you saw me in July and the time I flew up to see you in September, I need to know

Dwayne says:

don't ever speak to me again

Dwayne says:

EVER

Dwayne says:

NEVER

Dwayne says:

you have the nerve to ask such a questiom

Dwayne says:

how dare you

Dwayne says:

HOW DARE YOU?

Dwayne says:

the awnser is no

Demetz says:

thank you thats what I needed to know, and to answer the question, I can as that question because I don't know who you are anymore and as a matter of protecting myself, I needed to know.

Demetz says:

If you hate me for that, then I"m sorry.

Dwayne says:

i could not hate you, i just can not believe you had to ask that qu=estion

Demetz says:

You think it was easy for me?

Dwayne says:

how could you not know the awnser?

Dwayne says:

you know my rules/values

Demetz says:

Dwayne so many things I thought were CERTAIN have been proven WRONG... so far wrong that I lost all confidence in my own judgment about what happened because I JUST DON"T KNOW

Demetz says:

I'm sorry if that hurts you

Demetz says:

Hurting you has never EVER been my intention

Demetz says:

You should know that, if nothing else.

Demetz says:

But with so many things I believed proven wrong, there was nothing left I could say with certainty

Demetz says:

I doubted you would do that to me, Dwayne, but I HAD TO KNOW FOR CERTAIN

Demetz says:

Which meant building up the courage to ask.

Demetz says:

I don't even know if you're still there, but please believe I never wanted to hurt you.

His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he read. I realize the question must have hurt him. I probably could have found a more tactful way of asking it.... I'm crying as I'm typing this because of how much it hurt me to ask it. But as I tried to explain to him... I had to know... I had to be sure beyond any doubt, and as much as it hurt me, with everything thats happened, I just couldn't be certain without asking.

Dwayne, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that question hurt you. That has never been my intention. Someday, I hope you can forgive my doubt.

I called Gavin after talking to Dwayne. I explained to him that my test had come back non-reactive and what that meant. I told him about the conversation I'd had with Dwayne, and I told him that I believe Dwayne told me the truth. Gavin said if I'm satisfied with the answer, then so is he. I hope I never have to go through something like this again.