So this blog's going to be kinda gossipy and I doubt it'll be particularly relevant to anyone but me, but anyway...

Life's been fantastic lately, even for me. I really can't remember the last time had so much fun crammed into two months (or however long this little bright patch has been going now...might be three...anyway...). The only downside is that I've been having so much fun and partying so much that *gasp* it actually kinda started to catch up with me. LOL, I think the last time I went out this much, spent so little time at home, and drank this much (ssshhhh ), was when I was in high school, and not that I'm condoning it, but I think it's easier to do when you're 17 and you have someone else doing all the housework, and getting the food and stuff for you

Anyway, my whole little never ending bender finally came to a close last Thursday/Friday after I stayed out till 4:30 in the morning drinking and discussing philosophy, gay culture, and relationships with an odd mix of old and new friends. Don't get me wrong it was incredibly delightful and I definitely don't regret doing it. What I do regret is having to get up at 7:30 the next morning and dragging through 8 hours at work. It also sucked that Friday evening a few of my co-workers wanted to go have some drinks and I was literally to tired . It makes me a bit sad because it woulda been the first time I did something social with them (only been there a month), plus I always feel bad when I turn people down because "I'm too tired".

Getting back to Thursday though... I recently (actually a week from last Thursday, as in 2 Thursdays ago) re-connected with an old friend. In fact he was the first gay guy I met when I moved to Houston! I met him like four or five days after I moved here (the first several days were spent with unpacking, and looking for a new job), and he really helped me get oriented and introduced me to the gay community in Houston. Anyway, after the summer ended he moved away to go to a different college and we lost touch. Well, this last semester he transferred back to Houston and I ran into him! It was great seeing him again, and it was kinda cool because since he's been away and alot of his other friends have moved away or whatever, I actually got a chance to help him meet some new people and stuff. I thought it was a nice bit of cosmic karma.

Anyway, last Thursday he and I and my best friend and several other guys were all hanging and having the before-mentioned discussions. Well he and this adorable guy were all over each other...well to be fair it was mostly the other guy all over him. Anyway, shouldn't be a problem right? Well the problem was that number one I kinda liked the other guy myself but of course I'm not that petty, no the actual problem was that my friend already has a boyfriend! In fact that same boyfriend he's been dating since we first met. I even know the guy somewhat (although I haven't seen him now for like a year and a half). Anyway, I was really disappointed that he was letting that guy act like that with him. In fact I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking, "So how's your boyfriend Michael been?" But I figured that would be really bitchy and it wasn't any of my business so I didn't.

Anyway, a few minutes later cute boy asked my old friend to take him home. So I was really disappointed and thinking "Man! I can't believe he's going to do that!" Well, about 15 or 20 minutes later my phone goes off and it's my friend and he's upset and he's telling me he needs me to come and meet him because apparently he told cute boy that he had a boyfriend and he wasn't interested and cute boy was really upset and embarrassed that he'd been hitting on someone with a boyfriend, plus mad that my friend hadn't told him earlier, and he had thus gotten out of the vehicle and was attempting to walk the remaining 10 or so miles in the cold and wouldn't get back in the car. So I was going to go pick him up, but I had several other people riding with me, and by the time we'd arranged who was going with whom etc. my friend had called back to tell me that he'd successfully convinced cute boy to accept the ride home and that he no longer needed my help. Point is I was really proud of my friend for repulsing the advances of cute boy and telling him he had a boyfriend

In other news unless we explicitly tell people we aren't dating everyone still thinks me and my best friend (from "The Talk" blog entry) are dating. It's kinda getting frustrating because it seems to be shutting down both our chances of finding someone new. On the bright side though we had "The Talk" round two and everything's completely back to normal again. I'm positive he no longer has any romantic feelings for me, and we talked alot about how our feelings for each other have evolved over the course of our friendship.

Actually, the complications these days are arising from our other two really close friends...

As I'm sure you've all noticed I've avoided using names thus far. The reason is that number 1 I like to respect people's privacy, and number 2 I want to keep my own business private. It was one thing to use names a couple of years ago when I blogged and most of the people I wrote about were straight (what were the chances of them or someone they knew seeing it?), but nowadays since almost everyone I blog about is GLBT I figure there's a much higher chance of someone I know recognizing the people. So Instead I'm going to resort to the tried and true method of "changing the names to protect the innocent", even though I don't really like that strategy. So this best friend that I keep referring to, let's call him "Scott".

So Scott has a roommate, William. And William, Scott, and our fourth friend, Luke, are all really close. We generally spend almost the entire weekend together in some combination and usually several nights out of the week as well. However, all being young gay guys, I guess attractions are inevitable. So I've already talked about my history with Scott ad nauseum, what I haven't mentioned is that briefly Scott and William (the roommates) had a relationship. This was before they were roommates and before I even met William. However, they were never that serious and they broke up and managed to remain good friends (obviously). Now they have a pretty healthy, "brotherly" relationsihp.

When I met Luke, he was actually crushing big time on Scott. For awhile it made things really awkward between Luke and Scott because Scott didn't reciprocate Luke's feelings. Well it was actually when I started spending time with both of them that it made it easier for them to become good friends again because I was there to sorta diffuse the tension and keep them from having any awkward moments alone, and now Luke's over his feelings and they're great. As a brief aside Luke had also, prior to having feelings for Scott, had feelings for William. In fact he met Scott through William. However, William is very up-front about these sorts of things and he just told Luke how he felt and they moved on with their friendship.

Now, here's where I come into the picture. Over the past couple of weeks Luke has, at times (but not always), been acting a little...weird with me. Like last week I suddenly found myself on the couch with him and he was holding my hand and telling me how soft and smooth it was. Or like one day I texted him about something, and his reply was, "Oh, I was just about to text you...I just couldn't think of a good reason" And just little stuff like that. Plus both Scott and William have told me separately (and evidently discussed it among themselves) that they think he's into me.

Well, if you guessed that I don't feel the same way you're right. *sigh* I dunno, I mean Luke's a great guy. He's smart, fun to be with, and apart from Scott I can't think of another person whom I interact with on a daily basis that I trust as completely. I'm just not into him like that though. And I've given this alot of thought. I think he would be really good for me, and I know he would be really good to me. Which sorta brings up other issues I have. Like basically, I'm used to being the more protective one in my relationships. It's just what I'm comfortable with. In this relationship, based on the dynamic of our friendship, I'm pretty sure he would be the one looking after me. Well first off I'm fiercely independent and I refuse to acknowledge that I'd need anyone looking after me. However, I can't deny that prior to things getting really good again, back when I was having that really rough patch, it was really tempting to look for someone who would give me that strength and stability. Of course, I bounced back, through sheer determination, my own strength and determination, and not in small part due to the support I received from friends - including Luke. It's not that I don't think it's okay to rely on other people for things sometimes, because I very much believe in helping and being helped. It's just that I believe in co-independence and not co-dependence. Which of course even further complicates things because it equally means that in principle I disagree with my own general pattern of being the protective one.

Basically, I tend to form relationships in which I'm the, for lack of a better way to put it, "traditionally dominate one", but I can freely admit that part of me wants to be the "one taken care of". However, both options are completely dissatisfactory to me; nothing short of a completely equal, egalitarian relationship will do. Anything else I very much object to (for myself). *sigh* is it any wonder I don't have a boyfriend?

Anyway, while all of that is interesting to ponder, and while I'm glad this experience has provided the impetus for me to further analyze it, it's actually completely irrelevant. The whole thing is a moot point because simply put I'm just not attracted to Luke physically. He's just not my type. I love him very much, but I'm not in love with him.

Now, if you think all of this is the main problem in our big group friendship...you're wrong. I have little doubt that the stuff with Luke and I will work itself out. After all both Scott and William have moved beyond this stuff with him and gone on to have satisfying friendships. So obviously he's able to handle this and remain friends with his crush. Besides we are pretty close and I just can't imagine him doing something that would overtly jeopardize our friendship. Indeed, I think the chances are that it won't actually come to a head at all and that he'll just eventually take the hint and move on if I'm just able to kindly, but firmly, present a unified message of, "you're great and I really care about you, but not like that". Which is how things worked with he and Scott.

Anyway, point is I'm not too worried about this. Heck, if Scott and William can get past their own brief relationship, if they can both get past uncomfortableness with Luke, and if Scott and I can work past our history of mutual, but never simultaneously expressed feelings for each other and go on to be even closer friends than before, why wouldn't Luke and I be able to work this out as well? I think we will.

Now, you may have noticed that this very soap opera-esque story is missing attraction between William and I. Well it isn't. *sigh* I really want him.

He's just...well very adorable. Completely sweet and affectionate. Kind, alot of fun to be with! He's amazingly social. Like really all four of us are pretty good at striking up conversations with new people and making new friends, but as out-going as I am (and I'm probably a bit more out-going than Scott and Luke), William is even more so! Like, a lot of the time with most of my friends I feel like it's up to me to make sure everyone is having fun, and if there are new people I automatically feel responsible for making sure they feel welcome and are included. With William I don't feel that nearly as much. I just know that because William is there everyone will have fun and he'll make any new people feel comfortable. It's sort of a nice little break.

William is also just a really admirable person. Scott and I were having this conversation a couple of weeks ago about how William is always dating someone new, but each and every time he's convinced this is the one, but then when it isn't he never sulks or falls apart. He hops right back up and gives himself completely to his next relationship/fling/whatever without going into it feeling jaded. But he's not just an idiot who doesn't learn his lesson either. Like he actually takes things at a really sensible pace, and it's more like he's hopeful that this will be the one, and he accentuates the positive and stuff, but he's really very realistic and he takes stuff one day at a time.

He was actually in this really serious, long-term relationship for like 4 or 5 years before we met. He and the guy even bought a house together and pretty much presented themselves as "married". Then the other guy cheated on him (repeatedly) and they broke up. But he dusted himself off and went on with his life. And he's not bitter, it's like he has the perfect attitude about that relationship. He talks about it fondly, but acknowledges that it didn't work and that he's over it. He isn't bitter toward his ex, but he's just, like I said, completely over him. He acknowledges how much it hurt and how hard it was for him to get over it, but as I said he just doesn't let it jade him with regards to the future.

I like to think all four of us will eventually meet Mr. Right and live happily ever after, and I honestly think we will because - and I'm not just bragging on us because it's me and my friends - we're all pretty well-adjusted, resilient people, and we've got a lot to offer, but if I had to pick one of us for sure to do the 'happily ever after', it would be William. And yes, mostly just because I am sure that he'll just keep right on searching until he does find that perfect relationship without letting the bad ones in between ruin stuff.

Anyway, all that and he's utterly adorable. On top of that things were even harder for him, because 1) he grew up in a Southern Baptist home, and 2) he's hearing impaired and functionally deaf without his hearing aid (which he can only use for one ear because if he tries to put one in the other ear he gets really bad ringing, headaches, and trouble with his balance).

So anyway, yeah, I've got a little crush on him

I'm really glad to finally get that out too, because given the various complicated circumstances with Scott and Luke (coupled with their closeness to each of us) I don't quite feel like I should discuss this with them.

I'm actually a little bit embarrassed. I mean here I am always going on about how risky it can be to fall for your friends and here I go and do it! It makes me feel ridiculous too that I haven't just done something about it. I'm literally always sitting there encouraging Scott to go after his crushes and take the initiative and here I am being a hypocrite myself.

The last two times we watched movies I made sure William and I sat next to each other so that we could share a blanket and cuddle a little And I feel completely pathetic but I've been catching myself unconsciously taking William's side in our group discussions and supporting his suggestions for activities (honestly, I'm surprised neither Luke nor Scott has noticed ). And I just can't stand that I've been doing that! I mean that's so...BLAH

*sigh*, but it's not that easy. William has a boyfriend right now. At first I didn't think it would matter much since as I mentioned he's always seeing someone, but I think this is now the longest (or else the 2nd longest) relationship I've seen him in since we met! Obviously I really can't do anything about my feelings unless they break up. Which just makes me feel so shitty. On the one hand I'm really happy for him that it's going well. He definitely deserves that, but on the other hand...well there's this selfish, horrible, evil side of me that's secretly a little bit hopeful whenever he complains that the BF hasn't called him or whatever. And that just makes me feel really bad. How could I be so selfish and jealous that I'd feel this way? ESPECIALLY since to be honest I still don't think I would be able to do anything about my feelings if they did break up. I just don't think I could risk it. It's one thing to hit on some random guy at a club or a party or something and hope it works out, but dating one of your best friends is major. If we dated and it worked it would drastically change the whole dynamic of our group. If we dated and broke up it would...drastically change the whole dynamic of our group. If he weren't interested and I felt rejected it would...well you get the point.

And anyway, I really don't get the impression that he's the least bit interested

On top of all of that there's serious talk about me moving in with Scott and William in May when my lease is up. Which is just a completely different can of worms that I'll go into another time.

So that my friends, it's what's going on in my life!

LOL, is it any wonder I've always found close friendships with lesbians less complicated?