Its been a little over 2 years since I came out to myself. I hardly even remember what it was like thinking I was anything other than gay. My rebirth as a gay man 2 years ago resulted in a great deal of personal growth and changes, many good but the occasional one a bit more painful to go through.... life before being openly gay is now more of a distant memory, almost as though it happened to somebody else.

In some senses, it did happen to someone else. The me before I came out was radically different, consumed by a stoic quest to survive. What I was surviving for or why I didn't know. Physically relieving myself of the scientific definition of life was never within my interest, but I freely say that at that time in my life, I was not living. I had no joy. I really didn't have much in the way of sorrow either. I did have my struggle though, to remain stoic in the face of misery. Over time though, enduring that misery ceased to be my main concern, and ending it mattered more. There were three aspects to finding a way about ending that misery. The first was spiritual in nature... I struggled with the age old conundrum of religion and all its blather vs science and logic and its cold explanation of the meaning of life being to reproduce and wink out of existence. Adopting Islam was one rocky road and eventually the areas where I was reinterpreting Islam to suit me because the more official form of Islam seemed like blather just made adherence to the religion pointless. That occupied my time for about 2 years, and while it was an interesting little foray into the religious, I'm well and glad to have it behind me.

There were two very personal problems that Islam could not solve for me. First, it couldn't make me not-gay. Second, it couldn't take away the haunting from my past. It was two years ago this month that I finally did find a means of dealing with these problems. In dealing with being gay... I came out to myself, joined this site and the community, and met my first boyfriend. It was through him that I was able to deal with the events from my past with haunted me, and for that I will be forever grateful to him. Even if we didn't end up together forever, I owe him a huge debt of gratitude for the way he helped me.

The differences in my personality from before this time two years ago and where I am now are substantial. I'm much more at ease socially. I no longer seem or feel dark and brooding. I have the capacity to be happy! I can feel more than being miserable. Coming out is in all honesty one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm glad I did it, and can't imagine ever living my life otherwise.

Cheers to two more gay years!