I don't understand it. I guess it isn't something that can be understood, because in order to understand, an uncomfortable conversation would have to take place. Questions would have to be asked... questions that in all likelihood have no answers.

So, in turn, we accept silence. Silence is easier...

Well, silence sucks; the void created is only filled with self doubt.

I thought I was over this years ago. I thought the whole angsty part of my life was far removed from the routine of my life, yet as I lay in bed most nights the same question chews at the back of my psyche. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"NOTHING!" I know that is what a fair amount of you are screaming at the screen right now, or at least whispering in your mind. I'm willing to bet that you are following that term up with "You're a great guy..."

Please don't say that. I don't want accolades. I want brutal assessment. I don't want that sappy comment that one feels they need to say when someone is kicking themselves.

More-over I just want a hey how are you doing... and not from the usual suspects. I know who cares about me, and lately I know, brutally, who doesn't... and that sucks worst of all. It makes me feel a million degrading things about myself. Which is probably all me over reacting and over thinking the situation.

I know I do that, and I am sorry for it.

I'm sorry I am not confidant enough.

It sucked that I couldn't be the man you want... but what really hurts is I'm not allowed to be a friend.

Maybe that too is me over-thinking crap; maybe our definitions of friend just differ, cause after all we are good...

Actions, speak louder than words. I understand that, this bitch that is life keeps teaching me that. What I don't understand however, is all or nothing.

All or nothing can kiss my ass.

Sorry, this isn't what I wanted. I just...

I'm sorry. I told you anything you need, ever, anytime... the offer will always stand. It's just the silence. I hate the silence.

The monster attacks in the silence.