Does the length of the relationship...

[S.L. Lewis]

This thread is connected to the thread 'How Long Your Longest Relationship?' and asks: Does the length of the relationship dictate what you experience with your feelings and what the two of you do? Does it dictate how comfortable you are with someone? Does it dictate what you are willing to do with someone?

 

I'll go first, as usual.

Does it dictate what I experience? Maybe. To me it all depends on the relationship itself. If I know the person I'm dating and have for a while, I'm liable to be more realxed around them, not to mention feel more comfortable in doing stuff with them.

But if I'm going out on a blind date and it works, I'll take a bit more time to start anything major with them, unless I'm truely connected to that person. That has only really happened twice in my life. Once with my ex-girlfriend, who I dated for about a year and my ex-boyfriend, who I dated for about 9 months before he left.

May he rest in peace.

 

I got to know them rather fast, but I was still willing to do things that I would have done with a boy/girl friend that I've known for nearly a year, and that's saying something.

So like I said, it depends on the relationship that you are in.

 

And, BeaStKid, you made me scoot my time schedule up for this thread. Oh well. I'm not mad at you.

[GaryK]

It depends on how you define a relationship.

 

If you mean any kind of relationship, including platonic ones, while the duration often defines the experience, I've also known a few people with whom I've had an unfortunately brief but intense relationship. I'm sure it would have gotten even better over time. Death was usually what put an early end to the relationship. I was just telling Sacha (oops) Jason in PM about a friend of mine from Prince George in Vancouver, BC. I only knew him for a few years, but in that time we shared so much that it felt like I'd known him all my life. We visited each other often so this was a real life friend.

 

In terms of sexual relationships, the length enhanced the experience. I met Dick when I was 16 years old. We got to become best friends first although part of me always lusted for this handsome older man. When I was legal he let me seduce him. That really enhanced the experience. Eventually we were partners for 17 years. By the time he was killed we had gotten to a point where we could do silly things like finish each other's sentences when talking with other people. We could tell how the other felt based on some sort of energy or whatever you want to call it. No body language or words were needed. I even knew how he was feeling when we weren't together and I'd sometimes phone him to ask what's up.

Edited March 20, 2008 by GaryInMiami

[S.L. Lewis]

It depends on how you define a relationship.

 

If you mean any kind of relationship, including platonic ones, while the duration often defines the experience, I've also known a few people with whom I've had an unfortunately brief but intense relationship. I'm sure it would have gotten even better over time. Death was usually what put an early end to the relationship. I was just telling Sacha (oops) Jason in PM about a friend of mine from Prince George in Vancouver, BC. I only knew him for a few years, but in that time we shared so much that it felt like I'd known him all my life. We visited each other often so this was a real life friend.

 

 

I suppose I should have said either/or. Doesn't matter.

Anyways, that is a great example. Sometimes you only have to know some one for a small amount of time to be completely comfortable with them.

The same can go with someone you are dating, but I think that it takes a bit more to get to that point since you don't want to seriously regret doing something big. Like, sex?

[GaryK]

I suppose I should have said either/or. Doesn't matter.

Anyways, that is a great example. Sometimes you only have to know some one for a small amount of time to be completely comfortable with them.

The same can go with someone you are dating, but I think that it takes a bit more to get to that point since you don't want to seriously regret doing something big. Like, sex?

True. I only had one semi-serious relationship after Dick was killed. The sex was great at the time. Then I started to suspect he was cheating on me. His smell wasn't the same being the thing that initially caught my attention. I never obtained concrete proof he was cheating on me. But over a short amount of time enough things happened to convince me he was cheating. Now when I think back on it I seriously regret having sex with him. It makes me queasy just thinking about it.

 

That queasy feeling is what makes the difference cause I have sex regularly and don't regret it.

 

I only tried dating once after that. It lasted all of one afternoon and evening. Talk about negative vibes. How can someone live in Miami, a town that thrives on cultural diversity, and yet hate with an almost venomous passion living amongst people who are not like him? By the time the evening was over I needed a couple of days to recharge my mental batteries.

 

I guess that's sort of example of how length of time affects a relationship. Sometimes you know almost immediately when a relationship isn't going to work even though until you actually meet it seems like you're well-suited for each other.

[S.L. Lewis]

True. I only had one semi-serious relationship after Dick was killed. The sex was great at the time. Then I started to suspect he was cheating on me. His smell wasn't the same being the thing that initially caught my attention. I never obtained concrete proof he was cheating on me. But over a short amount of time enough things happened to convince me he was cheating. Now when I think back on it I seriously regret having sex with him. It makes me queasy just thinking about it.

 

That queasy feeling is what makes the difference cause I have sex regularly and don't regret it.

 

I know where you are coming from. I have been screwed over by one to many ex's to be completely comfortable with a male that is not family now. You, Tiger, Jason and Sas are the exception to this since you four have become wonderful friends.

My two out of three major relationships with a guy have ended with me chewing the guy out for cheating on me. One of them I had dated for 5 years and the other lasted for over a year.

It doesn't matter what the length of the relationship is, somethings you can end up regretting fiercely. It all depends on the relationship and the way the two of you interact with each other during the relationship. It also depends on how much you trust/trusted the person during the relationship. And a few other factors that would probably be explained much better by someone other then me.

[BeaStKid]

Rose...

 

well, having never been in a relationship, I'll speak from my experience of seeing people around me.

 

My mum and dad. They have been married for 24 years and have never had what you'd call a love-based relationship. They could never work it out. They continued just for our (me and my sister's) sake. They have been separated for the past 3 years (not divorced).

 

The point is, it depends on relation to relation and person to person. One can have an eually intense relationship for a shorter period of time. The only difference would be the stability. The assurance that your S/O would be there for you, no matter what.

 

As I said in another thread, Count not the moments you have spent in your life with him/her. Count the life that was in each moment that you spent with him/her.

 

 

I'm hope I'm making sense. I just had a wonderful, but tiring, day with my best friend. Sigh!

[Benji]

As I said in another thread, Count not the moments you have spent in your life with him/her. Count the life that was in each moment that you spent with him/her.

 

 

I'm hope I'm making sense. I just had a wonderful, but tiring, day with my best friend. Sigh!

 

 

.... I loved your sage saying above and I hope your friemd didn't tire you out too much

[BeaStKid]

.... I loved your sage saying above and I hope your friemd didn't tire you out too much

Nope... I always enjoy his company....for obvious reasons.... I'll post it in my blog...

[Tiger]

I am dissenting by saying it does. If you are in a relationship for a long time, you learn more and more about your significant other. A relationship that only lasted a month probably did not have as much of an impact as a relationship lasting for 50 years or more.

[AFriendlyFace]

I have some thoughts on this.

 

Like all aspects of interpersonal dynamics experience and length of time are only one among many factors.

 

It's logical that you'll experience more things overall, both emotionally and tangibly, if the relationship is longer. However, there are so many other factors that come into play such as:

 

-How intense the relationship is

-How much time you spend with the person

-To what degree you "naturally click"

-The context and intensity of the events around it

 

Obviously there quite a few more, but that's just a few. Just to make mention of the last though, they've done studies and determined that the intensity of emotions experienced relating to a separate event then in tandem effect how you feel about the people with whom you related during that time.

 

For example if you are going through a war or other disaster you WILL be more bonded with the people around you. Of course it needn't be a war, it could be anything dramatic or even anything very intensely good. In any case these other factors are going to influence the relationship.

 

I think the second point, "how much time you spend with the person" is another major factor. You can know someone for years, but if you only see them once or twice a week for an hour or so, it's going to be considerably different from someone you spend the majority of your days with for several months.

 

So really, while I would say that there's some correlation between length of time and what you experience emotionally etc. there's just too many other factors to say out right that there will always be an effect.

 

I think also, the major thing that's actually being explored here is trust. Trust often takes a long time to form, but it will also be impacted significantly by those others factors.

 

It doesn't matter what the length of the relationship is, somethings you can end up regretting fiercely.

I'm sure that you can, and I'm very sorry that this happened to you and Gary

 

Fortunately for myself, I don't think I can say that I've ever regretted a relationship, romantic or platonic. I've had some that ended up on unfortunate footing, and several people the idea of re-establishing those bonds, especially to the same degree, is wholly unappealing. Nevertheless, I'm still grateful for the good times we had together, and despite how cruddy things might have finished up I don't regret having those experiences.

 

You, Tiger, Jason and Sas are the exception to this since you three have become wonderful friends.

LOL, I hate to point this out, but unless you're counting Jason and Sas as a single unit or something, I think your math may be a bit off

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

[JamesSavik]

I don't think so. I had a six month relationship with a guy that was intoxicatedly beautiful and horribly bad for me that took me six years to get over.

 

Love is like a fast car: when you're in the groove, it feels real good. When it goes bad you can crash and burn and hurt so bad you wish for death.

 

My advice? Wear a f-ing helmet.

[S.L. Lewis]

As I said in another thread, Count not the moments you have spent in your life with him/her. Count the life that was in each moment that you spent with him/her.

 

 

I'm hope I'm making sense. I just had a wonderful, but tiring, day with my best friend. Sigh!

 

You made perfect sense dear heart.

Anyways, that is a wonderful example, really it is. And a wonderful saying to.

 

And Kevin, fixed. Thank you for pointing that out. I was a bit tired at that moment.

Once more, you have written out something so wonderful it makes me think again. And that hurts at the moment. Anyways, thank you, Kevin for posting and pointing out things to us.

[Krista]

I've not had too many long lasting relationships that I would consider meaningful. Even though, I voted for the long relationship, I've not really been out there dating too many people after High School. I've had three meaningful relationships, and the one that lasted the longest is the most meaningful for me. I fell fast for one and another I probably never should have dated as we were too different on too many levels of our lives. So really, time for me makes things more meaningful, because my relationship with David, I've never really been able to shake myself away from that. I don't really want to now, but there was a time that I did and couldn't.

 

People are different, so, I can't really consider a fast, strong, connecting relationship meaningful, because in my experience when that happens, the differences cause less damage than the strong connections later in the relationship. Just like anything new, it has to have sustaining principals to continue on an appropriate level. So I just get the connection then as soon as I realize the relationship hasn't grown from that, I break it off, I won't drudge through a connectionless relationship at all waiting for the.. "good times."

[BeaStKid]

You made perfect sense dear heart.

Anyways, that is a wonderful example, really it is. And a wonderful saying to.

Thanks...

[S.L. Lewis]

Thanks...

 

 

You're welcome.

Now, I'm going to sum this up. If anyone wants to add more, go ahead. I'm not stopping you.

It seems that the length doesn't matter, but the person and what you feel for that person. Sometimes, yes, it depends on the length as to wha tyou expereince, but not often and usually with someone who you care for, or are coming to care for.

If I'm off or wrong, tell me and add your opinions.

I bow ( ) to all those who have posted here.